Question:
Is anyone losing more than just weight?

I need a reality check or some kind of clarification here. Maybe this is just the way life and friendship is. I'm not sure that this actually has to do with the surgery--I hate relating everything that happens to me back to the surgery but... I just "broke up" with a long-time friend of mine over various issues, with the fact that I had the surgery and she didn't agree with it being one of them. I'm 14 months out, down 130 pounds and doing fine. My friend is still MO and we used to be diet buddies. I don't talk about the surgery with this friend because I know she doesn't believe in it. It's difficult for me to exercise with her now because she can't do some of the things I can because of her weight. She has also become a born-again Christian (I'm not bashing Christians) and she seems to have lost the ability to questions things. Can I get some kind of feedback here? This is just life, right? This isn't about the weight-- mine or hers, right? We're just too different to be friends now, right?    — lizinPA (posted on May 3, 2004)

May 3, 2004
Hate to tell you this, but , yes ,it "could" be just about the weight, your friend is still MO, youre nopt , or at least not as bad as before, theres always a subtle competitiveness in most friendships, and perhaps this is part of it , if you were "diet buddies" thats something you shared, now , youve had surgery, and are losing wieght, i assume from what you said, she is not, this is hard on a friend , and anyone you know , if its an issue youre comfortable with , ask her right out, she might not give you the answer straight , but what she doesnt say , could be as important as what she does say ... i hope this helps, not trying to be vague , but i guess in a nutshell, yes the weight loss is prooboly part of the friendships decline , but its not the operation, its the competetition B
   — bethlaf

May 3, 2004
Hmmm... Sounds like you're the one "breaking up" with her. If you're true friends, then you have much more in common than just dieting and weight issues. If you're growing in different directions, then I'm sorry, because that just happens and is part of life, but if you're wanting to discard her because she can't keep up with you or discuss your surgery, then I think you might want to think about how that would feel if the shoe were on the other foot. It has got to be quite painful for her to see you getting smaller and smaller when she's still stuck in the same vicious cycle that drove us all to surgery in the first place. Sorry to ramble this! Just sharing my thoughts since that's what you asked for :o) Do you think you guys could start scrapbooking or something like that together?
   — ScottieB86

May 3, 2004
Friends do grow away from each other and changes in life style brought on by your weight loss surgery can have a huge impact on a friendship, or any relationship. Changes in religion can too. I'm a born again Christian too and know that there are things that some of my friends want to do that I just cannot and will not participate in. No problem. I do the things I can with them then just politely decline the other things. That goes both ways. They don't choose to attend church with me, or go on mission trips, etc., but that's okay too. We still maintain the friendship but it takes work sometimes. I too have friends that are MO and, although happy for me, they sometimes seem to feel uncomfortable around me. I don't discuss the surgery unless they ask and I definitely do my best to be the same person I've always been but sometimes they still act uncomfortable. Sounds like I'm rambling here but the bottom line is, you have changed, she has changed. The question is, have you changed too much or grown too much in the opposite directions to even want to continue the friendship. No one can tell you that, you have to decide on your own. If you can discuss it with her, then do so. You might be surprised to find out how she is feeling and what she is thinking. If you can't discuss it, then maybe the friendship wasn't as close as you may have thought. I wish you the best on finding an answer. Losing a good friend is always a sad thing.
   — scbabe

May 3, 2004
Oroginal poster here: Thank you for the replies. I wanted to clarify that I did not want to discard this person as a friend. I got tired of always being the "bad guy" for being able to walk longer or faster or whatever active thing I was doing, for not being a Christian and for having the surgery.
   — lizinPA

May 3, 2004
Hi Beth- I have a similiar situation with a friend who is also MO. She wasn't a big supporter of the surgery to start with. Once I figured that out, I didn't talk to her much about it. I only brought it up if she did and answered questions for her. I politely told her once that this surgery isn't for everyone, but it was my miracle and the best choice for me and my life. I often wonder if the only thing we have in common was the dieting or food. Now, she just wants all my old clothes!! I keep in touch with her but not as much as we used to. I agree with the other posters- it could be the surgery because you've changed so much. Maybe you could find another common thing to do- like scrapbooking or ceramics or something that you can both do- regardless of either ones weight. Good Luck- sometimes everything after surgery isn't all roses and we have to deal with these changes. It always hurts when a friendship is going thru changes but talk it thru with her and if its meant to be, its meant to be.
   — Kathy *.

May 3, 2004
If you truly value her as a friend, did you just do one of those "when you say/do this to me....it makes me feel...." Sometimes, when a large weight loss has occurred, we get more confident and outgoing and we may feel the same inside, but we're behaving in different ways that people don't always know how to handle. Sometimes, others around us can't handle our successes because they're used to behavior from us in a particular manner. Not knowing the both of you, I wouldn't hazard to guess, but if you value the friendship, might be worth a heart-to-heart talk and see where things stand. Some people get in a comfort zone with their friends and when situations change, it's never the same again. That's just part of life.
   — Cathy S.

May 3, 2004
You have both changed the dynamic of your friendship. All friendships hit a rough patch. The people who go running for the hills or stop talking to you were using you more than being your friend. That's what I've discovered about a few people in my life. When I stopped serving their purpose (eating buddy, or someone to feel superior to) they ran. True friendship will have as much hard times as easy ones. If it's a breeze, then it is more of a hang out buddy. If she's becoming born again, then you may need to give her some time to adjust. In the beginning, you're not going to get her. Give it a few months.
   — mrsmyranow

May 4, 2004
Again, thank you for the replies and suggestions. I think I'll give it a couple of months and then see if she would like to get together and take a walk.
   — lizinPA