Question:
If I wait to tell Mom about WLS, should it be when I'm home and recovering?
Or should I wait several months down the road when she notices my weight loss? My mom is totally against my having the surgery, and, as a result, I've decided not to tell her or anyone from her side of the family until afterwards. However, my husband and I are debating about exactly when the best time to tell her will be. Either way, she will be furious! Please share your experiences. — beckyvee (posted on October 2, 2003)
October 2, 2003
Why bother telling her at all if you know if will just create hard
feelings? Do what is best for you, and when she eventually realizes it, and
asks you, then tell her, if you decide at that time that you want to tell
her. If she gets mad, tell her why you didn't inform her from the beginning
and if she stays mad, then let her deal with it... you do what is necessary
to be healthy. DOn't fret over her and her reaction... you need to worry
about YOU.
— Sharon m. B.
October 2, 2003
i would have hated to argue with someone my first month post-op. it took 2
weeks just to be able to think clearly again. if it were me, i would wait
untill you were 2 months post-op. you will have your strength back. by this
time you will have dropped some pounds, gotten your emotions under control
because of all the body changes(this is a biggie) and have had 2 doctors
appointments to make sure everything is ok. just remember ...YOUR body YOUR
choice point blank. good luck
— franbvan
October 2, 2003
Definitely immediately post op is NOT the time to tell her. Most of us
felt a period of "WHY DID I DO THIS?!?!?" Wait until you are
well into your recovery, like when she notices the weight loss - if even
then. I wouldn't let her believe you were loosing weight the old fashioned
way, but when it comes up I'd say something like "I knew you didn't
agree, and it was my decision to make and I made it." Period.
— bethybb
October 2, 2003
Hi Becky: I told my parents ahead of time. Wasn't sure how they'd react,
but I'm so old now I didn't really care. But in the past, I've had things
I dreaded telling them because I knew I wouldn't like their reaction, so I
think I can kind of relate. What I might do is call and talk to her the
day of surgery before you go in. Then it's kind of too late to back out
and you can calmly say I wanted you to know I've made this decision, no
matter what you say I'm doing it, it's too late to back out now, etc. It'd
be nice if she surprised you and she said she understands, and then was
there to help afterwards. I know, a real long shot, but sometimes they can
surprise you. And knowing ahead of time, even if it is right before, is
still somehow better than hearing it after the fact. At least I think
that's how my mom would view it. Those are my thoughts, but you know your
situation best, so do what you think will work for you. I agree with the
other posters though, that early post op probably won't be the best time
for you. Arguing or listening to negativity isn't what I wanted to deal
with then. Good luck. S
— sherry hedgecock
October 2, 2003
Hi Becky- I remember your questions about "MOM" issues from
before :o) The same holds true for post-op negative behavior on her
part-you don't have to stick around to hear it. I definitely wouldn't tell
her any sooner than necessary, because you need supportive people in your
life right now. But when the time comes and she figures it out or needs to
be told, I would be strong and confident about it, "YES Mom, I had
WLS. If you'd like to support me, that'd be great. If not, the subject is
CLOSED! I will NOT be a target for your fears and hostility". Then,
as before, you have to leave the room, hang up, etc until she gets the
point. Hopefully she will come around when she sees how great you're
doing. Becky, sometimes we can't change our parents (or other loved ones),
we can only change how we react to them. My father was negative and
hostile to us about many issues (but not my upcoming WLS, as he was obese
himself), and I had to change my reactions toward him. I had to
"excuse" myself many times from his presence, letting him know
that his behavior was unacceptable. One time he was hurt because I didn't
let him in on some issues going on with my son. He asked me why I didn't
communicate with him, and I gently told him because of his negativity, he
was on a "need to know basis" only. I pointed out some examples
of his behaviors. I'm not claiming my ways work miracles, but after a
while, my dad understood that he'd better treat me with respect or we
wouldn't be seeing too much of eachother. He tuly made an effort to
improve himself. The sad thing is, my brothers gave up on dad a long time
ago, he wasn't really part of their lives, and he passed away last February
without really knowing my brothers or what was happening in their lives. I
hope your mom is able to get at the root of her negativity before she
alienates those who love her. Good luck, Mea :o)
— Mea A.
October 2, 2003
I am totally surprised and the responses to this question. As a mom, I
would be devistated if this was kept from me. My mother was a mean, nasty
lady, but had she'd been alive at the time, I would have had my husband
tell her pre op. When she started to say negatives I would have said nice
talking to you gotta go and hung up. I would never have kept this from my
family. Just my 2 cents worth.
— faybay
October 2, 2003
I had always been advised by my mother that all I had to do was go to
Weight Watchers-- of course, this advice stayed the same whether I had 80
pounds or 250 pounds to lose. When I first broached the subject of WLS,
she was adamantly opposed to it; my dad, although less virulent, wondered
if it was worth the many negative complications that could result.
However, when I hit rock bottom with my obesity and food addiction and knew
that WLS was the only option I had left to keep me alive, I told me dad.
He was very supportive as I fully explained the depths of my inability to
control my eating and how awful I felt letting food control me. It was
then much easier to tell my mother. I was surprised at her level of
support. I think that, once she realized how important the decision was to
me and how long I had agonized over the risks and benefits of WLS, she was
able to be supportive of it. Although I was truly blessed with a very
loving and supportive wife in this process, great friends and family who I
knew were there for me, a wonderful pastor and fellow church members who I
knew were keeping me in their prayers, it was nice to know that my mother
and father were also there for me-- worrying about me and wanting to help.
I guess that we really are never too old to want our parents around during
the tough times.
— SteveColarossi
October 2, 2003
Thank you all for the support thus far. Let me remind you, telling my mom
before the surgery is not an option! She would hop on the nearest plane and
try to stop me, and all that would do is to cause me emotional trauma that
I do not need--I am a self-pay who is going to Mexico, so you can only
imagine (by the way, don't try to talk me out of going to Mexico; Dr.
Aguirre is a brilliant surgeon). I love my mom, but she is a highly
opinionated woman, who is also suffering from early Alzheimer's (I'm fairly
certain) and high blood pressure. After reading your suggestions, I am
leaning toward waiting a few weeks after the surgery, so please share those
experiences if you did the same.
— beckyvee
October 2, 2003
I don't mean to be cruel or harsh but I have to tell you from personal
experience that by not sticking up for yourself you are giving her power
over you. You are obviously a creative and talented woman of above average
intelligence. Tell your Mom and take the heat. You can stand it. Be strong
in your conviction. I think not telling her will give her more fuel and she
will try and punish you with guilt and make you feel by saying if it was
all that good why weren't you more hionest with her. You do not her
approval or acceptance of your decision. I do apologize if this seems
insensitive. Brought back memories of my Mom who graduated from the Joan
Crawford school of motherhood. You make the choice. I would look her
straight in the eye and say Mom. I have decided to have wls and I would
like to have you with me on this. If you can't I understand. Let's move on.
If she keeps harping on the negative, just keep saying the decision has
been made and you are going with it. Then change the subject. Don't shut
her out but don't give in. My opinion here thats all.
— snicklefritz
October 2, 2003
Tentatie early discussions were as many have said. Push away from the
table, you've dieted successfully before (so, what am I doing at 262 &
5'1"?), you're not THAT big (BMI 50--how much bigger did I need to
be?). So, when I got the date, I waited til just a few days before
surgery. However, even though they were biased, it sounds as if they were
a bit more balanced than your mom. My dad actually came thru with my
deductible (very large with that ins), at the last minute. BUT, in your
case, I'd vote with waiting til after. Like after you've got your routine
going. If you tell her at 4 wks, you might say she was right! (bad spell
there) But if you tell her at 8 weeks, any lil bumps are done, the weight
is peeling off & your energy is returning. YOU will feel stronger &
more convinced in your own mind. And your self-esteem will already be
rising.
— vitalady
October 2, 2003
Becky, I still haven't told my Mother and I'm three months out. Don't tell
her until afterwards, when you're feeling strong and ready to deal with
her. She's going to be angry and try to control you no matter when you tell
her so you're better off taking care of yourself first and dealing with her
second.
— Laura B.
October 3, 2003
My mom is a worrier, so I did not tell either my mom or dad before surgery
(my sister and husband knew and were with me the entire time). Luckily, my
parents live in a different state! I told them at 3 months and 40-50
pounds lighter. They were thrilled for me, especially since they saw how
happy I was and could see the initial weight loss. They are both normal
weighted (Weight watchers all the way for them) so watching their daughter
become obese was hard for them. She may be furious with you but you do
what is best for you-negative pressure pre-op is not what you need.
— Cindy R.
October 3, 2003
I asked this same question so what I have done is tell her I'm trying to
have wls my reasoning was what if something happen she will never forgive
herself so I will tell her a week before surgery to keep her from
worrying herself to death.
— shae7755
October 3, 2003
Luckily, my mom is very kind and supportive and I kept her in the loop
about my WLS. My dad can be mean and controlling and I didn't tell him
until 2 days before, so I understand and support your decision to not tell
until after you've had the surgery. I also agree with the other posters to
wait to tell her until after you are feeling better and the initial
adjustments are over. Of course the other option could be to not tell her
at all. Good luck to you.
— Yolanda J.
October 3, 2003
Normally I'd say TELL your Mom. However if she is totally against it, then
I would'nt. She is probally terrified that you will die. My Mom did'nt want
me to have wls only because she was scared for me. I almost died during one
of my surgeries and almost died again later from complications. It was'nt
that she did'nt want me to lose weight, but only because of all I've been
through in the past. But she was also my greatest supporter even though she
was scared. Do what you feel is best, but maybe it would be good to wait
until a month or so post op when some weight loss is visable.... hopefully
you will be feeling some better by then. If she does'nt live near you it
sure would be alot easier to then lose as much weight as possible before
you see her.
— Danmark
October 3, 2003
I didn't tell my mother or family before surgery and planned to tell them
when I got home from the hospital, but I didn't. I'm almost 18 months post
op and they don't know. I figure she doesn't have to know and its such a
sensitive issue its in MY best interest to keep it to myself. I explain the
loss by halfing the numbers and saying I watching what I eat and exercise,
the truth. Best of luck to you :)
— Laurie B.
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