Question:
How do deal with friends and family with
My mother is so obsessed with weight and looks and what other people are eating. My daughter and husband both agree that they would have developed serious eating disorders if they had grown up in that home. Anytime we visit, we have to sneak food. After the surgery, I can imagine that she will be so depressed because she won't be able to control that part of my life any more. Just yesterday, I literally went to WAR with her over my right to eat a few blueberries. I am on Atkins and she thinks she is some kind of Atkins expert. Anyway, she is probably right, but I don't like it when she interferes with my diet. At the dinner table, she is horrible and controlling; that is where all my problems began as a child. Anyway, this got me to wondering about how she will react after the surgery (which she will not know about until afterwards; don't try to change my mind on that front). I can picture her now, carrying on about how gaunt I look and how unhealthy it is that I only eat a few bites at each meal. This whole thing is really causing me a lot of anxiety. Comments? — beckyvee (posted on June 21, 2003)
June 21, 2003
My question was cut off! Here it is again:
How do you deal with friends and family with food control issues after the
surgery?
— beckyvee
June 21, 2003
I think you hit the nail on the head - this is all about control for your
mother. You can either confront her about her attempt to control you -
maybe she grew up in a family that treated her the same way? Or you can
refuse to accept her critique of your food patterns, life choices. Just
tell her that she MAY NOT COMMENT on your food or body in any way, shape,
or form - no discussion whatsoever. I would personally get this going
before the surgery, in fact ASAP!
We had to do this with my mom regarding my daughter. Every time she talked
to me it was about how my baby might be deaf because the cord was around
her neck at birth, or should be walking by now, or whatever. I was usually
in tears and yelling at her before the visit was over because she would
freak me out with her paranoia. Finally my husband said "That's it!
She may not speak to you regarding the baby at all. If you don't tell her
I WILL!" It worked. I told her that I will give her updates on the
baby (who is now 11) as I see fit, but she was not to mention the baby. If
she didn't like it, she could just stay home. I love my mom (she has since
passed away) but she was ruining my happiness and I couldn't allow it.
After that, our relationship got back to normal.
— bethybb
June 21, 2003
Like you, I can definitely see that my problems with food come from my
childhood and how my mom handled her own food problems as well as
controlling my eating habits. She and I were talking about it the other
day... ice cream used to come in a one pint block.. she would cut a pint in
half and eat half at lunch and half for dinner most of the time. Unlike me,
she has always been able to control her weight, but even today, she is
still consumed with watching her scale and eating as little as possible.
She controlled my eating so much that when I left home after high school, I
was excited that I no longer had to eat like she wanted me to eat. Her
rules for me were more healthy than her rules for herself, but I couldn't
wait to leave home so I didn't have be told what to eat and what not to
eat. I sure wish I'd learned something back then and maybe I wouldn't be
where I am today. My mom knows I'm having WLS and is happy for me. May God
bless you on your WLS journey and I hope your relationship with your mom
gets better... life is too short.
— Bonnie
June 21, 2003
You've posted a very good question. I always have had problems with my
mother cirtiquing everything from what went in my mouth, to the clothes I
wear to how junky my house looks. Finaly one day I just told her if she
couldn't talk to me without criticising, I didn't want to talk to her.
Since I've had the surgery, I've put up with lectures from her that (1 I'm
loosing TOO fast, (2 I don't eat enough, 3) I'm not eating the right foods,
and 4) Lectures about the supplements I take. I've also been lecutred about
having kids, exersizing, and about a ton of other things. The night I did
my pre op, she decided to stay the night. My husband and I wanted a quiet
evening alone. Needless to say we didn't get one. My DH was ready to
strangle her after an hour. She even tried to lecture me on doing the pre
op. He finaly got very upset, and told her if she coudn't be quiet and stop
lecturing me, she could leave. She didn't, but she finaly stopped. I love
my mother very much, but I've had to set boundaries. When I first moved
out, she decided while I was at work, she was going to re arraing my house.
When I came home, everything wasn't where I put it. I was furious. I
basicaly told her to leave everything alone. I can't tell you how to handel
her, but I have found that laying down the law may work. You just have to
stick to your guns eventhough she may try to make you feel very guilty ( my
mother is the queen of guilt trips. she tried to talk me into going on a
doctor supervised diet for a year, and try to get pregnant. She's now
convinced that if I do have one now, it will be malnourshed... go figure...
can't win for loosing) That's what I've been working on doing, and it seems
to be working little by little... Good luck and God Bless...
— mellyhudel
June 21, 2003
Hi Becky- If you get the chance to read my weight loss survery response
part of my profile, you will see that I had similar issues with my dad.
(My mom was ok :o) Since she is making you insane anyways, I would guess a
heart-to-heart talk is in order. I would sit her down, and demand that she
stop talking to you like a child. It's time for her to form an adult
relationship with you. Then I would tell her that if she continues to make
negative and controlling remarks about your eating, treat you with no
respect, etc you will remove herself from her area, or ask her to leave
(depending on where the two of you are). Since you don't want to mention
the WLS, I would tell her that you plan to be making some changes in your
life that are for your benefit, and you expect her to be supportive or stay
away. You may really have to get up and leave her home (or wherever) a few
times when the pounds start peeling off, but I think eventually she will
get your message. I had to do this with my dad a few times (about different
issues) and it worked well. She can't make you a target if you're not
willing to sit there and take it. Surprisingly, my dad was my biggest
supporter and happy for me when I told him I am trying for WLS. I think
deep down, most parents want to see their children happy and healthy. Hope
your mom suprises you too! Good Luck :o) Mea
— Mea A.
June 21, 2003
My mom is another expert on the diet she is on at the moment. She's been a
member of TOPS for 20+ years (no, she's not at her goal by any means), and
has battled weight her whole life. She tried to talk me out of my sugery 2
days before I was scheduled to go in. She felt I didn't try and should try
HER diet (she's doing ZONE now). Needless to say, I stuck with my plan and
5 months later am down 85 pounds. Now she doesn't say much and is happy
to have my hand-me-down clothes from when I was big. Hang in there, live
your own life and enjoy! CB--298/215/175 - Open RNY - 1/27/03
— CrystalBroj
June 22, 2003
Ah Becky!,
I don't know the answer,but I am sure glad you asked the question as I
myself could have written this question almost word for word. I know that
my eating issues go back to childhood and my mom and that is a big reason I
have not told her (or my sis, who is anorexic) about this upcoming surgery
(six more days!). I am not doing this to please anybody else, I am doing
this for ME and for MY health. I do plan to tell them eventually but I am
not sure when. They live in other states so that makes it easier as I don't
see them that often.
The last time I saw my mom (April), she broke her own record. I was not
even in her house for 30 seconds, had just stepped in and had not even put
down my bags before she made a comment about how heavy I was and how I
needed to lose weight. The only thing that helped me that day was that I
had started praying when I reached her street for God to give me strength
to deal with her, and He did. It was as if her comment just bounced off me!
I actually found it humorous that she was so quick to get on me that day.
At least it took away the tension of waiting and wondering when the topic
would come up!
Hang in there. My heart goes out to you and everyone else who has suffered
at the comments of their "well-meaning" friends and family.
— DebT
June 23, 2003
I have been in counseling for several months for my eating disorder. It
came from my mother. According to the therapist she is whats called a
feeder. Its a form of anorexia. She makes huge elaborate meals and deserts
and snacks and she would feed it all to us and she wouldnt touch it. My
dad, brother and I are all over 300 lbs while she maintains a very nice
figure. Since my wls in Oct of 2002, my mom has started doings tons of
baking again and told me just yesterday about how she is on a diet and has
already lost most of her extra weight....which turns out to have been 6
pounds!!!!!!..........The whole point is that many of us have unwell moms
who are the cause of our eating probs. We have to do what is best for
ourselves and understand that our moms will not change until they realize
they have a prob and get help. Chanced are she wont....so surround yourself
with people that will support you and love you. When your mom starts in on
you tell her your surgeon KNOWS whats best for you, he is specially
trained professional. Get a therapist to help deal with not only your
eating issues but with the psychological abuse you suffered as a child. I
honestly was shocked when during therapy I realized how emotionally unwell
my own mom is.....it was a real eye-opener, all these years I thought it
was me who was a total loser....to find out Im not was an amazing thing. I
still go to my moms, but I realize now that she is sick, I am not, I dont
have to eat the food she makes no matter what she says, ect ect and if I
have to I tell her: Im on a special diet given to me by my surgeon and I am
following that NO MATTER WHAT ANYONE SAYS, PERIOD. Thats the end of
that....she is starting to learn, a little.
— cherokey55
June 23, 2003
Becky, what concerns me is that you say this is causing you anxiety and it
hasn't even happened yet! Sure, you know your Mother better than any one
else at this site- but you are preparing for a defense/battle that may not
happen! Or you may not feel the same way after surgery (her comments,
controlling may be easier to handle)... so take it as it may come; you
really cannot prepare for her reaction when you don't know what that will
be... try and put her (and any other negative people) just out of your
mind. Concentrate on the here and now, getting prepared for surgery with a
positive thought, not what you *may* encounter. You may have a very
positive expirience.
— Karen R.
Click Here to Return