Question:
I feel rotten because my out of town brothers won't help w/disabled mom

I just need to vent. I'm primary caregiver for my 72-year old mom who is a dialysis patient. I have 2 brothers in another state, both of them financially ok and able to travel, but neither will come stay with mom while I'm in the hospital, which is 2 hrs from my home. It's embarassing and humiliating to have to have my friends transport me and care for her - but I thank God for those friends. They're my true family I guess...I swear - we're nice people!!!    — Patti S. (posted on June 20, 2003)

June 20, 2003
Patti, I'm so sorry that your brothers won't help you while you have this surgery. Have they explained why? Are they not supportive of your surgery and therefore trying to sabotage it for you? You are blessed to have friends help you. Good luck.
   — Yolanda J.

June 20, 2003
Oh Patti~ Dont ya just wish we could chose who our family members are? Hang in there. You're so lucky that you do have a great support, related or not. Good luck!
   — Maggie M.

June 20, 2003
Pam, that is rotten. Its wonderful to have friends, though. Don't be embarrassed, some day your friends will need you and you will be there for them. And I just wanted to say that your mom is blessed to have you to care for her.
   — Cindy R.

June 20, 2003
I would suggest that you have it in wriing that everything and anything that your Mom has is to go to you on her death. Your brothers will probably have no difficulty finding the time to come to your house looking for "their share." Been there, done that. Nina in Maine
   — [Deactivated Member]

June 20, 2003
My DH and I helped my mom take care of my totally disabled dad the last few years of his life. (Our two boys were in elementary school back then). When my only sister would come home for a visit, that is exactly what it was - a visit. She would politely leave the room whenever anything had to be done - wouldn't even help move him up in bed. I understood this was how she was. My husband and I help my elderly mom now that dad has been gone for 10 years. I am the executor of the estate and I also have Power of Attorney for her legal affairs as well as health issues. I would suggest you do the same with your mom. If your brothers won't help you out now, who the heck needs their input if and when any really difficult decisions need to be made, and you know your mother's wishes, but they don't agree at the time! As a nurse, I have seen this happen so many times. The one family member provides all the care day to day, but as soon as there is a big problem, the others swoop in and want to suddenly be in charge and make all the decisons. I have a dear friend who was a single divorced parent of, at the time, two young sons. Her mom and dad were both elderly and deteriorating. First her mom died, and then, her dad became pregressively more demented and unable to stay by himself. Do you think any of her brothers or sisters (who lived closer to her dad) would help out? Of course not, and guess what happened when she came to the decision he needed to be placed? They all had a fit about "putting dad in a home". God bless your wonderful friends and don't be embarrassed for their help - it's your brothers who should be embarrassed!
   — koogy

June 20, 2003
Hi Patti- This is how my mother-in-law handled a similar situation, but I would NOT recommend it:o) She had a lot of siblings, none of whom helped out with their mentally disabled brother. One day, she got tired of the other siblings complainig about her care of their brother, how she misused his SSI check, etc. so she drove her disabled brother over to her sister's(the one who complained the loudest), walked her brother in the sister's house with his luggage and uncashed SSI check, and said "here you go". Her brother was returned to care a few weeks later, I think a lot of the complaining stopped:o) You can pick your nose but you can't pick your family, LOL Mea
   — Mea A.

June 21, 2003
Susan Kennedy - AMEN! If only more people could see what happens when the end comes or tough decisions roll in and how families act. They'd get things straightened out legally ahead of time!
   — Shelly S.