Question:
Attention from the opposite sex???? I have heard so many people say that

after surgery, they got all this attention from the opposite sex, Well, I have lost 150 pounds and that is NOT true with me. I don't get any attention from the opposite sex since I've lost weight, but maybe it isn't God's will for me to have anyone. Has anyone else had a similiar experience?    — Judy W. (posted on June 2, 2003)


June 2, 2003
Neither have I Judy so you're not alone. I've pretty much have given up "looking".
   — Peggy D.

June 2, 2003
How about posting a picture. Also where are you going to meet people. I don't get a lot of attention either but I have made many women friends. Don't take this the wrong way but are you still dressing fat. Try a makeover and a hairdo and some nice clothes. Good Luck I am not trying to be rude so please take no offense.
   — snicklefritz

June 2, 2003
Me and Jen found each other at a CAC catholic alumni club singles movie night years before WLS. Although I am not catholic or a college grad. Get outr and do things. Volunteer for habit for Humanity, get great exewrcisae and meet folks. Things like this get you in circulation:) I KNOW its hard, pre op most woman wouldnt give me the time of day.
   — bob-haller

June 2, 2003
Not long ago I heard the site was considering a dating service type idea. I think that would be great since folks here have SO MUCH in common. You might add this idea to a site improvement post. Handled properly it could help many.
   — bob-haller

June 2, 2003
OK, this may be a stretch here, and please don't take it as presumptuous - it's just a thought. Many obese people may "hide" from social contact, especially from the oposite sex, with fat. Usually, it's not the FAT per se that is the obstical to relationships, but rather the obese person's feelings about him or herself as being worthy enough, attractive enough, etc., to BE attractive to the oposite sex. Considering that, the fat can come off, but if the underlying anxiety is still there, the unspoken message "stay away from me" (even if that's the FURTHEST from what you want) may still speak loud and clear. If you feel this may be the case with you, a good therapist can help you recognize and address any underlying problems that may be inhibiting your ability to interact socially, or to make yourself approachable. This may be totally off the mark in your case, but it's still common enough to be worth considering...
   — johanniter

June 2, 2003
I have to agree with Jack and Bob's responses below. Try getting a new hairdo, different make-up and some more stylish clothing that you feel good in (it is amazing what a little make over can do for the self esteem). Then put yourself out there. I honestly believe that there is someone for everyone in this world, but the likelihood of that person coming knocking on your door could be pretty slim. Try taking some classes (not necessarily college classes, but fun ones, like dancing or pottery). Go to book stores or coffee shops, the gym, whatever so long as you are out and about. You could even take a trip or try an on-line dating service, because who's to say that Mr. Right lives where you do right now, he could be 100 miles away. And hopefully you will feel good about yourself and maybe make some new and interesting friends along the way. Best of luck to you.
   — Dawn P.

June 2, 2003
I had posted a response to this question that diddn't appear...I guess you can't use some of the terms that I did. Harumph!
   — rebeccamayhew

June 2, 2003
Well, I know what you mean! LOL I was extremely disappointed to find that I didn't turn irresistable when I got to goal. Part of my problem is that--and this will sound really weird--any attention from a guy terrifies me! I don't know how to flirt anymore (which is ironic because I used to do it just fine when I was fat) and I always end up saying something dumb or just walking away. I wish I could be more outgoing--I'm sure that would help. I guess I am just afraid since I am coming out of a not-so-ideal situation. Plus I feel like I have "I used to be fat," tatooed on my forehead. LOL I'm sure I'll get over it. BTW, I DO have a great hairdo, stylish clothes, and a nice body (at least in clothes! ;) I am just a fraidy-cat!<p>I think the idea of an AMOS love connection would be super. Heck, they've already started the "Jason Fan Club" on the message board. LOL It gives me visions of that movie, The Bachelor, where hundreds of women in wedding dresses are chasing the guy down the street! *hee hee*
   — ctyst

June 2, 2003
I have to say that I think you should focus on yourself. I know for me I am going to focus on falling in love with me. This means taking time for yourself and splurging (when you can) on a new outfit...membership to a gym.... great make-up or a pedicure and a haircut. You can also go to the mall and make an appt with the clinique (or any of the make-up counters) and they will do a consult and put on your make up for free!! They do use some pretty pushy sales tactics so know your limit when you go! Get a new outfit that fits and hit the town....once you start to feel good about yourself it will all come together!!
   — Felicia J.

June 2, 2003
Hey Judy - I've always thought that no matter what size one is, or how cute/ugly they may be to some people, they are always ATTRACTIVE when they act like it. I have always gotten lots of positive attention from others (even at 285!) and it was when I KNEW I looked good. I think it's all in how you feel about yourself first. Even if you dress up, get that makeover, whatever, if you still think it's "not good enough", others will see that, too. This is a longshot, because I don't know you, but maybe if you try boosting your confidence inside first, and not care about how you look to others, you will actually be glowing to all that approach you! Walk around like you know you look good and feel good and it will rub off, believe me! Now I am no HOTTIE and won't be Miss America when I reach my goal. I am NOT the prettiest girl in class, but I always had the cute boyfriends and caught a gorgeous husband. Just work on YOU and FEEL GOOD! It will work! Good luck and congrats on the 150 pounds! WOOOHOO!
   — toolio

June 2, 2003
No, never had any attention before or after wls. :(
   — Danmark

June 2, 2003
Judy, I agree with Juliet. If you don't feel pretty to yourself then you won't give off those vibes. That's my problem now (and I hope it will change once I have the surgery). I'm not the prettiest girl on the block but I'm not the ugliest either. I have myself together: a job, a house, a car but I don't seem to attract any real men. *I've had some serious blows to my self esteem in the past few years... but that's another story.* I have a cousin that is big and she's pretty and she knows it (if you told her otherwise, you'd better be ready to fight!). No matter where she is, she is always being approached by men. She said she's not fat, she's just 'a whole lot of woman!';+) I don't feel that way, and it comes across whenever I'm out. I just exude 'bad vibes.' It only seems that when I think I'm looking cute that I attract attention. I agree with everyone that says find new things to do. It's a new you and a new beginning so enjoy it. Mr. Right (or Mr. Right Now) will come in time. Just enjoy yourself!
   — MICHELLE F.

June 2, 2003
Before WLS, I felt like an atractive person trapped in a very unhealthy and unappealing body. During the weightloss transformation, I have re-created myself, or as some would say re-invented myself. I believe that when a person is happy with themself, they draw people to them. I am and continue to be a work in progress, and am enjoying meeting new people along the way. Men, yes, and as someone once told me...when you least expect it, someone will come into your life. It happened for me. Be patient with yourself, and love yourself Judy. You are worth it. We all are. Your time will come. Diane N
   — DianeN

June 2, 2003
sometimes men are intimedated (sp) by a womans beauty!!
   — Deanna Wise

June 2, 2003
My comment about a possible dating service type idea... I hear its a singles chat room. Whatever members here could really use something of this nature.
   — bob-haller

June 3, 2003
Hi Judy! Please, don't be so hard on yourself. I don't think I'd say, "maybe it isn't God's will for me to have anyone". Maybe He has someone EXCLUSIVELY for you. I had that same thing to happen to me. No one hardly ever looked my way...They'd just speak. Now that not only I married, but have had the WLS too, OOHH now they look, and look, and LOOK. I guess I'm different than most, I could care less one way or the other about who's looking at me. The main thing is how I FEEL about myself~~I want you to feel good about you because then, it radiates outwardly ~~EVEN more. Take time for YOU right now. Enjoy your newer, happier, and healthier life...I guarantee before long, men will be attracted to you like a magnet!! You may even have to beat them off with a stick to keep them away from you (just kidding-LOL). You might also want to try some of what the other posties have mentioned here. Careful though, screen very closely. I only say that to say oftentimes *some men* can sense a woman's loneliness, anxiousness or (as in a friend of mines' case)-vunerability and be taken for granted. You were beautiful BEFORE your surgery and losing 150 lbs, and you're even MORE BEAUTIFUL now. Don't give up! You didn't mention this but, how long has it been since you last dated? LAP RNY 9/3/02 265/159/115-126 Hadiyah, a.k.a.~
   — yourdivaness

June 3, 2003
First of all - BIG congratulations on your weight loss. I'm so proud of you. As many previous posters have said -you may give off a certain vibe (for lack of a better word) if you don't feel good about yourself. Consider having a makeover and a new hairdo - you might even want to change the color of your hair. I did and let me tell ya - for me - blondes do have more fun - ha ha. Maybe it's time for you to blossom. Makeovers don't have to be expensive. A MaryKay lady will do one for free and even an inexpensive haircut can make a huge difference. Try some temporary color for fun. A man should love you for you but you might have to love yourself for who you are first. You deserve wonderful things!
   — ronascott

June 7, 2003
I totally agree with Karen. As an MB woman I've thrown up all these emotional "walls" and pretty much isolated myself romantically. While we worry about our physical co-morbidities, we never stop to think about the emotional co-morbidities, i.e., depression, anxiety, etc. It's nothing to mess around with, and the sad thing is, you don't realize you suffer from depression or anxiety until you start to feel better! If you have an EAP program through your employer, I'd say get with them and arrange to see someone who can help you explore all those emotional things that got you obese in the first place. It's worked wonders for me. I'm 2 weeks pre-op, but the work I've done with my therapist has done wonders for my attitude and feelings of self-worth. And the people around you will really pick up on that. You deserve to feel wonderful, physically and emotionally! Good luck!
   — Patti S.




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