Question:
Does everyone have this fear of dying?
My surgery is Monday, Jan 6th. I truly believe I am doing the right thing. I feel God has led me in this direction and even made the path toward surgery a fairly easy one. HOWEVER, I have a growing lump in my throat and tears in my eyes as I think about the POSSIBILITY of my 3 children losing their mother. Does everyone feel this way. Do I prepare in some way - write them a letter, just in case. They are only ages 6, 10, and 12. My 12 year old knows but I'm afraid my younger to would be afraid if I told them ahead of time. What did you all do?? Thanks, Jen — jennifer W. (posted on December 31, 2002)
December 31, 2002
Hi. I have surgery in 2 weeks. After reading the qs&as on this site
for 3 months, I have come to this conclusion:
<br> The best way of minimizing your risk of complications is to (1)
Pick the best surgeon you can and (2) follow your surgeon's instructions.
Then look at yourself and your "co-morbids" to determine if you
are at any great risk.
The general death rate statistics are just mumbo jumbo. You want a surgeon
whose own death rate and rate of complication is low. You get this by
finding a surgeon who is experienced, not only at surgery but at WLS. Ask
how many times she has operated on a MO person, and how many have died.
Find out why they died. Find out how many patients had leaks from the
surgery. If the doctor has a good record, you are likely to get the same
service.
Once you find a surgeon you can trust, then trust him. Follow his
instructions. If he says to lose weight before surgery-- do it. If he tells
you that after your surgery you must get up and walk around-- then do it
(lessens the chance of clots). Your doctor's instructions are developed to
maintain his low rate of serious complications.
Finally, look at your own co-morbids. Do you have a life-threatening
condition (e.g., sleep apnea)? Make sure your doctor knows about it. Most
doctors can provide emergency back-up to prevent complications that they
know are likely to happen. Alternately, a doctor may reject you for WLS if
she feels your chance of dying in surgery is high. Don't put her down for
"worrying about her mortality rate"-- instead thank her for
having your best interests at heart.
Finally, if you have the surgery, call your surgeon if you think something
may be going wrong. If your doctor isn't willing to help you, then find
another surgeon, even though you have already had the surgery. You need to
have peace of mind, and a surgeon who is willing to back up his handiwork!
I am following these rules, and will continue to do so, after my surgery
with the best surgeon I can find, scheduled for 1/15/03. Good luck, and be
at peace.
- Beth Schumann
— Beth S.
December 31, 2002
Hi Jen, I think everyone thinks like this. One time or another. But you
can't dwell on it to long. I had my wls 12/6th The night before I was so
concerned but told myself. If it's my time God will call me weather I have
surgery or go to the mail box. so off I went with hugs and kisses. Hang in
there. I did and know it's for the best. God Bless.
— Naes Wls J.
December 31, 2002
Jennifer,
If you feel that God has led you to this, then have peace with that!! Know
that everything happens for a reason, nothing happens by chance. This is
where you are suppose to be in your life and what you should be doing at
this time....with that being said, here is what I did before my surgery to
ensure a positive attitude....I meditated each and every day, maybe only
for a couple of min., but clearing one's mind and just "being in the
moment" really helped. It also helps to use "visualization"
while meditating...see yourself as you wish to be when you lose the weight
you want to lose!! And also, every single day I went to the "before
and after" page and looked through picture after picture to fill my
mind up with the positive aspect of WLS....when I went into the hospital, I
had no fears at all!! I was excited to be there, and now that I am 6 weeks
post-op, I can honestly say I am excited I had this done!! Sending you
positive thoughts and energy Jennifer...If God brings you to it, he will
bring you through it!!! Love and light,
— medium
December 31, 2002
Jen,
I know just how you feel. I am the single mother of a 4 yr old girl. I
had a BIG lump too right after I got my date. Luckily I only had a week
between then and my surgery. Like you I had prayed researched, etc., but
still that LUMP. I worried that I might be one of those rare people that
everything "looks like things will go just fine" and then them
not. Well I prayed a little more, came to this website and then honestly
thought about my quality of life right now and in the future w/o surgical
intervention, the realistic odds of life threatening complications and
looked at all those who have traveled before and realized that my chances
were good that everything would be OK based on all of my preop work up I
was a low risk. Probably the big thing that maybe me OK w/it was that
there are no gaurentees for even our next breath and that helped put things
into prospective. When I left my daughter the morning of surgery I had
decided that would be the deciding moment, if I clung to her like there was
no tomorrow then I was doing the wrong thing, but if I was able to leave w/
only a tear in my eye then it was OK. Well I was at peace when I left her
and was just really OK, excited and a little nervous, but overall not
terrified like I had been just a week prior. I continued to think positive
when a little doubt would sneak in and so far everything has gone just
fine. I am 3 1/2 wks out -20 pounds. I pray that God gives you the peace
and guidance for your path. Leigh
— Leigh S.
December 31, 2002
jennifer... sounds like you are saying what i was feeling 2 months ago.. i
had all the guilt of selfeshness, possibility of my children loosing there
mom. i have 3 kids as well 10,6,4. i looked at them deep in the eyes.. as
many times as i could before i went to the hospital, they had no idea what
was going on through my head, it was killing me and i kept thinking.. can i
just try one more diet?? can i spare myself this feeling, and my children
as well.. then i thought deep and hard jennifer.. this is who i was doing
it for.. i kept looking into there eyes and that is what gave me the
strength.. they need me.. for alot longer then i would survive if i didnt
do this. i hugged them realllly tight with all of my heart and soul.. and
just prayed it wouldnt be the last time... i new it was going to be a new
beggining .. and now 7 weeks later.. im so much healthier at 54 lbs down..
and im a much better and happy person.. the kids will thank us for this in
the end.. jennifer all will be ok.. please email me if you need to talk or
have a question.. im here for you!!! ~erinn
— Erinn M.
December 31, 2002
jennifer... sounds like you are saying what i was feeling 2 months ago.. i
had all the guilt of selfeshness, possibility of my children loosing there
mom. i have 3 kids as well 10,6,4. i looked at them deep in the eyes.. as
many times as i could before i went to the hospital, they had no idea what
was going on through my head, it was killing me and i kept thinking.. can i
just try one more diet?? can i spare myself this feeling, and my children
as well.. then i thought deep and hard jennifer.. this is who i was doing
it for.. i kept looking into there eyes and that is what gave me the
strength.. they need me.. for alot longer then i would survive if i didnt
do this. i hugged them realllly tight with all of my heart and soul.. and
just prayed it wouldnt be the last time... i new it was going to be a new
beggining .. and now 7 weeks later.. im so much healthier at 54 lbs down..
and im a much better and happy person.. the kids will thank us for this in
the end.. jennifer all will be ok.. please email me if you need to talk or
have a question.. im here for you!!! ~erinn
— Erinn M.
December 31, 2002
Hi Jen :),
The answer to your question is a big YES!!! I am now 4 days post-op, and
the few days before my surgery, I was a basket case. I have 4 children,
and was so afraid that I would die and leave them without a mother. I
cried to my friends and husband. They were all supportive. I read all the
posts on here that I could find about the same thing. Nothing changed
these feelings of tremendous fear. Then one night, two days before my
surgery, I lay in bed and realized that I hadn't asked the one and only
person who truly could take away my fear. So, I went down to my living
room and prayed. It was a prayer specifically about my surgery and my
fears. I asked God to PLEASE overlook my shortcoming and give me peace of
mind and to let me be calm. I asked for my surgery to go well with no
problems.
I can tell you that as I kneeled there, praying, every single bit of fear
left, and I was as calm as I could possibly be. In fact, I never felt even
another twinge of fear about all of this. When they took my blood pressure
about an hour before my surgery, it was as low as it always is for me, and
I couldn't even FORCE myself to get anxious.
So, I apologize for this being long-winded, and I'm not someone who's going
to throw religion into your face, but if you believe in God, then please
ask Him for His help :). Worked wonders for me! Keep us posted and know
that we are ALL behind you 200%!!! SuzAnne in Utah
— SuzAnne S.
December 31, 2002
I just had my surgery on 12/11/02 and I can't tell you how many times I
cried thinking the same thoughts you are having. You aren't alone! I just
knew that the life I had before, wasn't much of a life. I think these
thoughts also make you VERY, VERY THANKFUL when you wake up in recovery! I
was happy to just be there, pain and all. In fact, I STILL feel glad I woke
up! You'll be FINE!! :)
— Diana L.
December 31, 2002
I feel the same way i am a mother of 4 a 13,8, and five year old
twins...i'm terrified but what kind of mother am i like this i mean i have
gotten sooo lazy i want to be able to do things for them and with them.I
asked God for help and he led me here he will be with you please don't
worry it's the right thing for you.I'll pray for you.
— skyeyez26
December 31, 2002
Jen, I also completely understand your fears. My surgery was back in 9/99,
but I remember that fear too. I have 5 children, two of which were then 9
& 7. They did not understand the risk. I always felt mine was mean't
to be as it came together so easily. I prayed a lot about it and just a
week before the surgery I started to feel a great peace. Of course, the
night before and the morning of surgery I was pretty nervous, but more for
the unknown of what it would be like during and after. Try to spend some
time meditating in your own comfortable way and try to find that peaceful
place in your heart. Happy New Year.
— Dot W.
December 31, 2002
I initially went thru the same thing, but as I pondered the situation, it
occured to me that I'd never sat them down and explained that mommy was
extremely obese and could drop dead at any minute from complications of
obesity. I didn't write any letters just "in case" this
happened. I had just lived life as best I could and tried to give them
good memories of me so that no matter what took me when, they'd have that.
The rest I left in G-d's hands. If writing a letter makes you feel
better, then do it. But otherwise, chill out and find some joy that you
are proactivily doing something to lengthen your life and thier time with
mommy.
— [Deactivated Member]
December 31, 2002
Hi, Jen...I'm scheduled for surgery January 23rd, and yes I feel the same
way you do. I have 2 children, an 18 year old son and a 11 year old
daughter, along with a wonderful husband. For the most part, I am very
positive about the surgery and can't wait, but as the date gets closer I do
worry. I believe that God has made this all possible for me, and when my
time on earth is up, it's up. We take a chance just getting up in the
morning and getting in the car and driving to work. And, it's true that we
are all walking time bombs being obese. You have to believe that you are
doing the right thing, and will be much healthier in the long run. I will
remember you in my prayers tonight. God Bless.
— Cathy B.
December 31, 2002
I also feel the same way and I don't have any human kids but I have an
elderly mother who would be devastated and 3 doggies that would need homes.
I'm still a little over a month away, but when I got my date the other day
I was in sort of a funky mood - the reality hit. However, I also focus on
what this will mean to my life and the rest of my family - mother and
brothers and doggies to have me healthy. My mom is scared, as one would
expect, but she does understand I can not keep going like this and if this
is the way I feel I can get healthier she is behind me - just saying lots
of prayers I am sure. The more she talks to her friends about it and they
have been supportive, it has helped her a lot.<p>I keep focusing on
that I have had 9 surgeries in the past 8 years - 3 with general anesthesia
and about as long as an uneventful open RNY will be. I flew through all 9
like I almost never had surgery. The longest I was off work was about a
week. That included 2 shoulder surgeries and a LAP gallbladder surgery
(the general anesthesia ones). Now that I have been diagnosed with sleep
apnea I know now is the time. I am a time bomb that is ticking louder and
louder all the time. I know in the back of my mind I could die but I
cannot focus on that. I have to focus on the track record of my surgeon
and how much faith I have in him and hospital etc. and my past surgeries
being so uneventful. I know I am heavier than the previous surgeries, but
other than the sleep apnea nothing I have should factor into surgery too
much - thank goodness. I also have thought of writing a letter to my mom
but if the worst should happen I know there isn't anything unsaid. She
knows I love her dearly. I pray that it's not my time that day and I wake
up orny and cranky because then I will know I am alive. Once I'm awake I'm
too damn stubborn to die! Do what you feel most comfortable with. I
personally think in simplified terms you do need to tell the younger two,
that you will get surgery so that you can get healthier and be around for
them. Otherwise the oldest one has this secret and she doesn't have anyone
to talk to about it. 10 years old especially, isn't that young. Just keep
it simple. Just my opinion. Do make sure you have all legal, financial
and custodial issues in order. I don't know if you are married, but if not
it is critical then. Even if you have to write it yourself in simple
language. Just make sure it is notarized. There are even forms available
off the internet for very low cost that you can get with a credit card
right away.
— zoedogcbr
January 1, 2003
I am scheduled to have surgery on the 27th of Jan, and I also am torn by my
desire to lead a normal healthier life and the possibility of leaving my 5
year old and my 11 month old motherless. It is a hard decision, but is made
easier by the fact that I believe that God takes us when it is our time to
go. Whether I die now in surgery or when I am 100, it is up to him. Also, I
think that it is important to try to talk to your younger kids about the
surgery. Children are very smart and more than likely they have already
figured out that something is going on. Calmly explaining to my five year
old daughter what will happen before, during, and after surgery actually
helped calm me down quite a bit. We did not discuss the possibility of
death, but we have discussed it a number of times in the recent past. Your
kids are older, and more than likely will have many more questions, but it
might actually help prepare both of you to talk about it.
— Lydia S.
January 1, 2003
Happy New Year to All. This question I think is one the doctors don't know
how to answer and where the myriad of support groups help a bit. I think
everyone's journey is personal and what worked for others may not work for
you or me...so with that in mind, I will share what I did. I had only had
one surgery before in my life--a tonsillectomy in college and I woke up
during that surgery because the anesthesia didn't work so you can imagine
the fear of surgery that I have. What I did to prepare was to write letters
to all of those I would be leaving behind. I don't have a husband or kids
so it was more my father and siblings a couple of dear friends. I told them
how important they are to me and what I wanted them to have of my personal
possesions/estate. I also left a letter of what I wanted to have happen in
case I didn't make it--donating my organs, what kind of service, etc. I
didn't give anyone the letters but I knew that I had done my work to be
prepared and in a funny way once I faced the fact that I might not come
back home, I was OK. My fear just went away because I had done all I could
do and was sure that I had said my good-byes in the best way I could. I
think like many things you fear, if you face them then you can learn how
little there is to truly fear. Or at least that is how it works for me. It
might also be helpful to focus on that fact that when you come out of the
surgery and hospital your children will get a new and improved Mom--one who
can truly play with them and more fully participate in their lives. I hope
that helps.
— MrsBacchus
January 1, 2003
Hello, I just felt so drawn to you! I am three months post op almost and I
too felt like God made a way ( a new job with the right kind of insurance
for my husband, from initial consult to surgery was less than 3 weeks,
etc.) But I still cried and stressed the last few days. I never considered
not going through with it but I got so scared. I couldn't focus enough to
write the letters and I didn't want God to think I didn't have faith enough
for Him to bring me home! I have a 10 year old and a 6 year old and as a
mother this is so hard but thing about a summer full of fun at water parks
and pools, etc. By the way, the crying freaked my husband out so bad that
he repeatedly threatened to call the surgeon and cancel. He knows I'm
tough and not a baby so he couldn't get what I was going through. When I
was taken to surgery I was like a fountain! Ask for something to calm your
nerves while you are in the hospital. God is with you and I'll keep you in
prayer.
— Kristi T.
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