Question:
Is anyone else having an identity crisis?
I feel as if I am not really sure who I am at this point I am down 55 or so since surgery and 100 from my biggest. I recently got to 190 and now weigh in around the same as when I got married 10 years ago. I feel like I should get new hair, get a new tatoo or take up smoking again just so I will feel like I'm in control again. I almost feel like the "world" is way to obsessed with my wieght and theyv'e forgotten about the me people are more interested in my "progress" and Gastric Bypass discussion than plain old me. Really bizarro I know just wondering if it's just me PMSing :-) Penny 07/31/02 Lap RNY -55 — pcollin4 (posted on November 17, 2002)
November 17, 2002
Penny,
Your who you've always been...you. I haven't had surgery yet. But when I
was dieting before and lost more than 40lbs everyone kept telling me how
great I looked. I felt like they were saying "NOW YOUR SOMEBODY WORTH
NOTICING" because I had lost so much weight. I can only speak from
personal experience here but when I was thinner I got looks from both men
& women. I had more friends, both men and women. Strangers seemed a lot
more personable & friendly. Now I feel sort of invisable. I have lost
some of my most closest friends because of my weight gain. And men...well I
might be considered a light weight @ 5'2" 235lbs here, but outside
AMOS I am not! You know the funny thing is, that sometimes being invisible
isn't so bad. I used to care so much more what people thought about me @
135 than I do @ 235. I've grown as a person not only physically ;) but
mentally too. I think it's fantastic that your losing weight!!! But don't
ever let anyone else but you define who you are as a person. Thin or
otherwise. And remember...the only one you have to face in the mirror
before you go to bed every night is you. This surgery isn't an easy
decision to make and you made it. So I know somewhere inside you is a
strong, determined and independent women. BE PROUD OF WHO YOU ARE. I am
behind you 100%.
— blank first name B.
November 17, 2002
Penelope, I really relate to a lot of what you are saying. I have actually
been planning my new "self" since I found out I was getting the
surgery. I planned new hair nails, even checked into new eye color. I
think I had always figured noone would notice anyway and felt less good
about myself than I admitted. Like you, I lost around 60lbs, and I weigh
about what I did ten years ago, when I married. However I am still 350.
I think the extra weight I have may acutally be a blessing at this point
because it is giving me time to start feeling good about myself before
everyone else starts noticing. I sincerely believe that the compliments
are honest. I understand that it seems like people are focusing on what
you look like and the bypass instead of just you. But I think that they
are truely interested in you. Taking the step to have the surgery is one of
the single greatest, riskiest, most life altering thing anyone can do. If
you got a new job or had a baby, people would be asking all kinds of
questions about those things as well, not because there was anything wrong
with you before, but because people see it is making a big change in your
life and want to share some part of it with you. Look at the statements of
"you look great" the same way you would Congradulation on your
marriage or the birth of a child. If you feel like making changes to
yourself like haircolor and tatoos go for it. I can see the
"control" thing as your way of making choices you didn't think
about before or just owning what is happening with all the changes to your
body. (P.S please try and choose against the smoking thing.) I know with
the rapid weight change sometimes I feel like I am not "really"
even doing it anymore it is all just happening so it seems kinda "out
of my control", But we were brave enough to make the choice. Feel
proud and own the new body you are creating through the weight loss. best
wishes Carrie
— Carrie R.
November 17, 2002
The first year following WLS is a giant emotional roller coaster. I was so
prepared for everything, new clothes, new foods, new healthy lifestyle, but
he emotional part blindsided me. I had no idea. I dont think many people
realize. Of all the new things I have had to deal with since surgery, this
alone was the most difficult and unexpected one.
— RebeccaP
November 17, 2002
I'm 3 months post-op and am down 72.5 pounds. I can relate to what you are
saying. One of the things that has helped me so much over the years of
yo-yo-dieting weight loss and all the comments people feel they must make
toward you is a quote by Eleanor Roosevelt. "No one can make you feel
inferior without your consent." That works on the positive side too.
When I was feeling badly toward myself at my heaviest, I tried to remember
that, I had to give consent to what they were saying, and well-meaning
people can say the cruelest things without intending to sometimes. I
remember one woman said to me after I had lost a lot of weight years ago
"that fat that hung off your legs was really gross--you look so much
better now." I knew what she meant, but it really hurt. Today I
would have said "Why thank you...how shallow of you." But the
reverse is true also--when you're feeling good, the circumstances around
you only affect you with your consent. I'm so thrilled at the health
benefits I've gained so far that the appearance changes are only icing on
the cake and as I lose more, the icing will only get better but the health
benefits will be with me for life!
— Cathy S.
November 17, 2002
Hi Penny:
I am only 6 weeks out form my Lap RNY, and already I feel the pressure that
you are talking about. I have had a great loss in these 6 weeks; I am down
almost 40 pounds. My clothes are down 4 sizes, and I wasn't that big to
start with (<300lbs).
This weekend I was with my children in the local mall, and I saw my best
friends parents coming out of a store. I got up to greet them, because I
hadn't seen them since summer. Her mother said to me, Oh my God, Angie...I
have been DYING to see how you look!
Not, Hi, How are you, How are you feeling?
I know that the intention was to tell me that I look great therefore I must
feel great, but HELLO?, I AM A PERSON. Ask about ME first. I haven't lost
who I am becuase I've lost some weight.
Our society has become so weight concious that it's impossible to recognize
WLS patients for who they are/WERE once their journey has begun, unless
you've been through it personally.
My heart goes out to you. I know how I felt. Is my appearance more
important than who *I* am? Was I being accepted overweight as a favor, or
because someone felt sorry for me?
It's time for people in general to become more aware of ANYONE's feelings.
Keep up the Good Work, and CONGRATULTIONS! ~ DON'T let ANYONE make you feel
less than who and what you are. A beautiful, strong woman, struggling to
attain her PERSONAL goals -- and SUCCEEDING!
— Angie B.
November 17, 2002
You are the envy of everyone, from the First Lady to the lady who's first
to check the dumpster for cans; you've LOST WEIGHT. I think it speaks to
just how hard it is to lose weight that everyone at every level of American
life is impressed when someone does lose weight, and wants to talk about it
constantly.
— Kim A.
November 18, 2002
Penelope, get a new hairdo, go to the mall or call a Mary Kay consultant
and get a makeover, get a massage, a facial, a full-body treatment, any or
all of these! If your hair makes you relate to your "old" self,
change it! We're women, after all! Be happy! It's all about YOU!!
— cddgo
November 18, 2002
Have you ever noticed that when you are fat, NOONE talks about your weight
or weight related stuff...it's like a taboo subject! Maybe you wouldn't
even mind if they did, but they don't anyway.
Well, I think the weight loss makes those people feel like they have a
"license" to talk about it with you or around you. Your weight
has suddenly become so "out there", and people think it's cool to
mention it. I imagine they don't even realize that it might be hurtful.
I think they are just being supportive (or some form of it) of something
that is obviously very important to you (if it wasn't, you wouldn't have
had surgery).
I do think you should go for a new tattoo, but skip the smoking...your new
healthier body won't be very appreciative
— thekatinthehat
November 19, 2002
Penny, I understand exactly where you're coming from. Somewhere around
40-50lbs lost, everyone I knew started greeting me with "Oh my God,
you've lost so much weight!" which was flattering but also kind of
annoying. Even worse was the new attention from guys that I have known for
years who never looked twice at me when I was heavy. I've found myself
feeling resentful when I get compliments from these guys; I feel like
they're responding not to me but to my new figure, which is so shallow.
On the other hand, I try to remind myself when people ask me about the
surgery that I am probably the only person they know who has had the
surgery and that it's a compliment that they are asking me questions, as
they wouldn't ask me if they weren't comfortable with me. Try to be patient
with people who are full of questions; they mean well, and they honestly
don't understand what it feels like to be where we are.
My advice to you is to do what makes you happy, and ignore what the world
out there might think. My style has changed a lot; I'm 30 and I find myself
wearing clothes from teen stores. I don't own a pair of pants that covers
my belly button anymore. I feel like in addition to 110lbs, I have lost 10
years off my age, and I am loving it. Be good to yourself. If you're still
wearing the same hairstyle that you did 55 lbs ago, book an appointment
with a good stylist. If you've been wanting a tattoo on a certain body part
but always felt you were too fat for that, go get one! Remember that your
friends love you for who you are, it's just that the weight loss process is
so obvious that it's hard to not talk about it, and they're naturally
curious. In time, you'll start to get used to the "new" you and
your weight will become a non-issue. At 11 months out, my friends seem to
have re-categorized me as thin and don't talk so much about my weight or
the surgery. It felt like it took forever, but when your rate of loss slows
down, so will the comments. You'll meet new people who will have no idea
that you haven't been that weight forever. Good luck, and enjoy the
process- you're doing what so many people wish they could! Amy 12/04/01 RNY
-110
— Amy W.
August 4, 2003
How Funny! I had my surgery 3/17/03. I am now 156lbs with a loss of 80lbs.
I have been echoing the same thing to all my friends. I thank GOD for
this web site and I should come every day for reassurance. It's been a
while since I browsed through the library and I wished I had before today
because all the answers are here!!! Not only do I not like the attention, I
believe it is why I stayed fat for so long. I am having a terrible time
bonding with my new body. I have found out alot about myself since the
surgery..like now that I no longer have the fat to blame for all the crappy
things in my life, I have to take a good hard look at myself.
Unfortunately, when I look in the mirror, I don't even recognize her anyway
and feel so disconnected from her. I am also having a very hard time with
the hormonal aspects of this whole thing...I have almost permanent PMS and
I will be trying some herbal therapy to try to regulate this because I am
now the b*tch from h*ll. I worked with a lady a couple of years ago who
turned from a sweet and loving person into baby hitler after the surgery
and I just thought it was her true self coming out. Well now I know. I
also met a lady who turned into an alcoholic. I could see myself doing
that too...easily digestable carbs in beer with minimal dumping. Soothing
to frayed nerves from hormonal imbalance. I think mainly though, this too
shall pass, I am 5 months out..I think everyone goes through this mental
image, this "just who the heck is that anyway?" syndrom. I also
resent/hate and want to scream at anyone who brings up my weight loss and
especially men who make comment. I have also been the subject of many a
catty remark about taking the easy way out. AAAARRRRGGGGH, how easy do
they really think this is? Almost died on the table, wound infection with
a 8 inch hole in my tummy, the scar from h*ll, unable to eat cheesecake,
never have any clothes because within weeks everything is too big, barfing
for several days before my period (probably overeating)hypersensitive about
my health and anxiety related to that, and this identity thing. Next time,
I will be kicking someone's tail. Sorry, having a bad day! Laurie
— Laurie L.
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