Question:
how much do you tell a person

I haven't ever really dated in my life. Alot of it has been due to being obese, the other because of some past issues. Now that I had the surgery and stuff, I have been considering it. I posted an ad, and i got a reply. I don't know how honest I should be. How much do I tell him about me. I had issues with sexual abuse in my childhood. I am on disibility. I lost 57 pounds but I am still heavy. What do I tell him? I am really new at this. Please help and be kind. This is important to me. thank you    — [Anonymous] (posted on February 21, 2002)

February 20, 2002
I too am a survivor of sexual abuse. My best suggestion for you is to keep quiet about it, at least in the beginning. This is awful to say, but some perverts get off on this kind of info. Husbands need to know, dates do not. Remember you deserve good things. As far as the WLS, I say go for it! One of two things will happen, either he will run away (and he didn't deserve you anyway) or he will admire your courage. Anyway, good luck to you. By the way, I am happly married (almost 19 years not) to a wonderful, supportive man. There are some out there! Margie
   — Margie W.

February 20, 2002
Hello and congrats for taking a big step into entering the dating world...I know it can be scary, but you are to be admired for getting out there. Remember, dating is a numbers game, especially if you haven't every really dated a lot. So don't stress too much over the initial first date. Keep it light, I don't want to say superficial, but don't burden this guy with your past and lack of dating experience until you know him a bit more...just go see a movie or walking or whatever people do on dates and keep it light and fun. If there is any attraction and something develops, THAT'S the time to tell him, and only you can determine the timeline. I know we all hate the Rules Girls' advice, but be a little mysterious initially...between politics and Hollywood, I am sure you'll find enough to talk about during those first few dates. Good luck, and keep us posted.
   — [Anonymous]

February 20, 2002
Hi! I think you need to go very slowly and trust in yourself. You don't need to share anything with anyone until you are comfortable with the issues and, more importantly, with the person you want to tell. Go slow, get to know someone well. Down the road when you meet someone who truly cares about you, you'll know when it is the right time to share. Until that time, it is no ones business about the abuse or the weight loss. Love yourself first and don't rush into anything. There are a lot of good guys out there, but you may have to go through some not so nice ones, to find them. Good luck in your weight loss journey and in finding peace and happiness.
   — grammie5

February 20, 2002
I too was in the same boat as you. I had hardly dated, because of being obese. I am a man. I think it is infinately harder for a man than a woman to get dates when being Obese. I was the "friend" every woman wanted, because it was convenient for them. you don't know how many times I heard the 5 worst words in the world,"I just want to be friends". It was so bad I didn't really start to date until I was 23. I too posted an ad on personals site. I found, and married the most wonderful woman in the world. Initially we met for sex, but after getting to know her I found she was the most intelligent interesting person I have ever met, AND she really liked me. Don't get me wrong I had my share of misses for sure. alot of one night stands, and psychos, but I made out good, and you will too. Just be aware that there are alot of Psychos out there that will take advantage of you. You need to check them out as thoroughly as you can before meeting them, and meet them in a public place. I would think it would be more scary for a woman to do this, because of all the weirdos on the net. Anyway. Good luck to you!
   — [Anonymous]

February 20, 2002
I was married for 10 years and widowed in 1998. I had my surgery in 2000. I started dating about this time last year, and got really active last summer. The first guy I dated had the surgery, and that was our common bond. That didn't work out, however, and I started dating much more casually. What I learned, is don't be so open so soon. Keep personal and private issues to yourself and get to know the other person first. If things are meant to be, they will be, and you can discuss things that have been life-altering for you at the appropriate time. I am with the most wonderful man now, and only told him about my surgery a month and a half after we started dating. He never asked about the scars. He did comment frequently on how little I ate and, when it became evident that I wanted to spend more time with him, I shared it with him. He was fine with it, and I appreciate the respect he gave me by not being nosy. Just be cautious whether you are dating over the Internet or meeting someone locally. It's quite a different world out there now! Best wishes!
   — [Deactivated Member]

February 21, 2002
You were obese in the past, you may still be heavy, but you have been extremely smart in your decision to do something about it! As for myself, I don't worry about what other people might think of my WLS, I KNOW what I did was the right thing for me, both physically and mentally. As for dating, well, I'd say keep yourself first for awhile, this sounds like just one date and there will be many, many others to come! You don't have to say a word about WLS if you don't want to, or if you are not ready to. If you choose to though, and he's any less than supportive of you, keep yourself first and find one of those other fish in the sea :) there are plenty of them out there!
   — DonnaCarol

February 21, 2002
You were obese in the past, you may still be heavy, but you have been extremely smart in your decision to do something about it! As for myself, I don't worry about what other people might think of my WLS, I KNOW what I did was the right thing for me, both physically and mentally. As for dating, well, I'd say keep yourself first for awhile, this sounds like just one date and there will be many, many others to come! You don't have to say a word about WLS if you don't want to, or if you are not ready to. If you choose to though, and he's any less than supportive of you, keep yourself first and find one of those other fish in the sea :) there are plenty of them out there!
   — DonnaCarol