Question:
The person most dearest to me says, do this and I won't be a part if it!!!
My mother, says this is a mistake. She is a RN and says it will cause more damage than good. She says if I do it she will not help me with my children and will not even discuss it with me moreless be there for me while I am going through it. I know everyone says to do what I need to do for me, but I feel like I really need her to get through this emotionally. — Wendy G. (posted on November 9, 2001)
November 8, 2001
Tell your Mom that emotionally blackmailing you will not work. This is an
opportunity for you to cut that apron string and recognize that your Mother
is not always right and that you will have to make adult decisions about
your life that may cost you something. Tell her you understand her
position, but that you are satisfied with your research and that you are
proceeding. Then, begin finding someone more supportive to assist you.
Trust me, she is your mom. when she finds out you have proceeded, she will
get her butt over there to help you because no one will take care of you
good enough to suit her. Playing poker with mom's is tough, but they
always relent sooner or later. Good Luck!
— merri B.
November 8, 2001
Print out some of the sites where RN's and Dr/s have had this surgery. Ask
her to keep and open mind and read it.
Then go on with your life. Assuming you are out of the home because you
have kids. NO husband? Divorced? you didnt say, but start searching for
someone who CAN help you.
YOU LOVE YOUR MOM AND WANT TO HAVE RESPECT, but this is your body and your
life. Take Charge. Know the dangers and read all the pros and cons. Then
if this is what you want, move forward one day one step at a time. She
might be thining of the "older" surgery. I DID WHEN THIS WAS
MENTIONED TO ME I FREAKED OUT. Give her some space, give her some time.
But go on with YOUR plans whatever they are.
I told everyone, God, Me, My husband..thats all who gets a vote. AND IN
THAT ORDER.
— Jackiis
November 8, 2001
Wendy, I am sorry to read that your mother doesn't support your decision.
I know how that makes you feel because my Mother also pooh poohed my
decision to have this surgery. I based my decision on my current and
future health risks. So did my Dr. After Mom told me that it was a
mistake, dangerous, wouldn't work, etc... I decided not to discuss it with
her at all. Fortunately, my husband, son, other family members and friends
were there to help me after surgery. But, to be quite honest with you, I
was able to fend for myself as soon as I got home. If your mom won't back
you up then try writing her a heartfelt letter detailing your reasons for
the decision to have this done and why you would like and/or need her
support. In my moms case I think she was jealous because she is heavy and
has been since I can remember. Because of this she has tons of health
problems that are too far advanced for her to have this surgery. I heard
she asked her Dr. about it after I had mine and they wouldn't discuss it
with her because she would never heal from the incision. (diabetes) I
hope you mother comes around to support you. But, remember in the long run
you have to do what is best for YOU. Good luck..
— Betty M.
November 8, 2001
My Mom is elderly and really did'nt want me to have the surgery ether. But
in my case I've had (so far) elelven surgeries over the last few years
(only one was WLS) and many of those surgeries went "very wrong"
so I'm sure that was why she did'nt want me to have the surgery. She was
FRIGHTEND for "me"! What a loving Mom to care so much about me!
However as I told my Mom, "there was no other way left for me to lose
the weight and my body was just plain giving out under the weight".
But she has been very supportive, yet concerned.
I have no idea whether your Mom is trying to control you or if she is like
mine and was just plain frightend for me.
But I can't understand a mother who says she won't be there for you, ect
ect. But as far as it causeing more damage than good, I understand that!
I'm down 108 pounds and it was 6 months yesterday I had the bypass. (I did
lose around 14 pounds of that the month before my surgery- seems most
people gain before surgery and not lose). Anyway, with 108 pounds lost I
should feel like setting the world on fire. Well I have NO ENERGY AT ALL. I
feel like I've worked for days non stop and been run over by a Mack truck
besides. I'm not working anywhere (disabled from some of my other
surgeries- hopefully it won't stay that way). If I had to go out and work
at this time in my life, I could'nt. I just have no energy AT ALL. I'm very
depressed about the lack of any energy or motivation as there are so many
things I'd like to do. Now that does'nt mean you will have that problem,
but I sure do. Then I've had two very frigtening trips to the emergency
room (read my profile if you want to know more) to have potassium put in by
IV. IF I understand correctly you can have a heartattack if it drops to low
and they had me on heart monitors! As far as energy I've been having B-12
shots and they are not helping. I'm even getting them bi monthly instead of
monthly. It's not helping. Also I'm wondering if I had some ostoperosis
(spelling is wrong) started. I want to have a bone scan for that. Anyway
something is screwed up but no one knows what it is. So as far as it doing
more damage than good, it is an idividual thing. I never had high blood
pressure (Thank God) but my blood pressure is still down so that's a plus.
:) The arthritus in my knees is'nt as bad as before. My gout is worse
though. I can walk better, wipe my butt, tie my sneaks and so many other
great things I took for granted... AND yesterday I was able to cross my
legs. Now this is something I really missed! :) Yes I have some bad
vitamin (???) problems but I'm trying address them. Yes it CAN/WILL/MAYBE
screw some other things up, but I'm "still" glad I had my
surgery. I'm working with some doctors to try to straighten up my problems.
I guess it comes down to this, "will anything likely improve if you
don't have the surgery"? Only you can answer that. For me, no, nothing
would have improved and the WLS was my only other option.
If that is the case, then you have to do what you need to do for yourself.
My "guess" is that she will come around when she knows you are
going to do what you have to. If she really loves you, she'll come around
eventually (most likely). She may be terrified like my Mom was, that she
would lose "her baby". They don't want to lose "their
baby" anymore than you would want to lose any of your children. But do
know, that in some ways your Mom is right about it causeing problems! All
of us have different problems after surgery! None of us is alike. But it
seems most of us (myself included) are glad we went through it although it
is no picnic at the time.
Good luck and have a great life!
— Danmark
November 8, 2001
I know exactly how you feel, my mom, dad, and sister says the same thing.
At first I let it bother me, but after I contiinously explained it to them,
and they kept degrading me, I just stopped trying. I just tell them it is
being done and it is my decision. My surgery is next week, and YES I would
love their support, but I have so many others that will support me if they
choose not to. They love us, they are worried about us. (that or they are
jealous we will look better than them...LOL) Do write your mom a heartfelt
letter telling her how you feel,and have your surgery, and I bet she is
there for you.
— [Anonymous]
November 8, 2001
My best frend of nearly 30 years said much the same, and called me insane
to even consuider surgery. He is NOW converted to my biggest supporter and
thinks his daughter should have WLS and is trying to sell her on the idea.
Your friend remembers the OLD surgeries and their problems. Just do whats
best for YOU, and watch her delight later at the outcome.........
— bob-haller
November 8, 2001
I'm sorry to hear that your mother is being unsupportive. I mentioned the
surgery to my mother when I first started thinking about it. She wigged
out. Told me that NO WAY could I do that...that she had a friend from work
that died on the table and that they got her back but she's never been
right since. And how would I like to be in a wheelchair watching someone
else raise my children, or WORSE YET, be in a home somewhere and never see
them! I was crushed but kept on my road to the surgery. It was well over
a year later fighting for insurance approval and getting my surgery date
that I told my family. I wrote a LONG letter with links and facts and all
my medical and personal reasons for wanting the surgery. My mom supported
me completely. Even without the letter, she supported me. Over that year,
I think she had time to witness some of my troubles and realize that
nothing else was going to work for me. She cried when she read my letter
because of the lengths I went to justify my decision to everyone and she
felt I didn't have to. I think she forgot her initial reaction. But, it
didn't matter. She came around and came up from Florida to Michigan to
help me and my husband with the kids (my dad too). She is very happy for
me. Of course, she was worried...but she had time to think about it. I
also had a niece who was a nurse and I was worried about her reaction a
little. But, I know there are LOTS of nurses on this site that have had
this surgery. So, not everyone can know all the facts. Nurses are people
too...and your mom just needs educated and needs some time to realize that
this is what's best for you. Hopefully, she will come around. But, be
prepared if she doesn't. There are a lot of people that do this alone.
That wouldn't be my choice and I was very fortunate. But, if I had to, I
would have. It's worth it.
— Nicole P.
November 8, 2001
She's frightened because she's so very uninformed about the state
of wls today. Suprisingly, many health care professionals know
nothing about wls, that's why it's so underutilized. Calmly eplain
why you feel this is the best decision for you and your family. Then
make her a part of the process. Take her to your doctor appointments,
ask your surgeon to explain everything to her. Print some articles from
the internet for her...introduce her to this board. If after all that,
she
still doesn't support you...or at least remain neutral.....make plans to
procede without her support. Ultimately, it's your body and your life and
you are not a child...you do not need her permission.
— [Anonymous]
November 8, 2001
My brother is an RN and when I first mentioned it to him he was completely
against it. After I had made the decision to have WLS I had a talk with
him. Nurses usually see WLS patients at their worse. They see all the
complications and the pain from the surgery. If you go through the
profiles almost 70% of the post say "Why did I do this?"
"It's not worth it", but that is generally right after surgery
when the nurses see them. So I showed my brother all those post and then
made him keep reading to where all of them said they would do it again in a
heart beat. Acknowledge your mothers fears, explain that you understand
she see people at their worse, then ask her to read some of the posts with
you. My brother said he was still worried, but he would be there for me
and support me, hopefully your mother will come around also. Hang in
there...{{{HUGS}}}
— Kathy P.
November 9, 2001
Hi Wendy..I am an RN and have been for 20 yrs.I am having the surgery
whether my family approves or not.I have contacted other nurses who had
this surgery and weighed about the same as me and they are doing great. I
know that is not a guarantee that I will have no problems, but I think that
having a lower BMI is going to make me less of a surgical risk.It is my
life and I am miserable carrying aroune 100lbs extra. My sister is a new
RN, got her degree in the last 2 years and she is not supportive of me
doing this at all. Keeps telling me about patients she cares for post op
due to bowel obstructions and how another lady gained all her weight
back..So much for supportive !!There was an answer about a person who had
the surgery and was never the same after..well I have news for you..I had a
hysterectomy in 1995 and I have never been the same..I can't even work
because of what the hormonal imbalance did to my body. That is why I am in
the condition I am in today. I was just diagnosed with type II
diabtetes..Now I have just about every co morb you can have. If I don't do
something now I will be plagued with more health problems that I care to
think about. I am barely handling the ones I have. Follow your heart and do
whats right for you..Remember this is for YOU !!!!!Good luck to you..
— garyzgurl
November 9, 2001
I am so sorry your mom does not seem to support you. I agree with much of
what others have told you - she is likely just very afraid. My mom was
scared, but supported me. In fact, she hovered to the point she nearly made
me nuts! But I educated her well before hand. I suspect once your mom
realizes you are going to do it anyway,she will help you. If it appears she
won't, however, ask your primary care physician to write an order for a
home health nurse to come in a couple of times a day for the first two
weeks. That was a real help for me, even with support of my family, because
nurse checked incision, kept track of vital signs, co-ordinated with my PCP
for my meds, etc. And it was just very reassuring to have someone check me
over.
This is your life, not your mom's. Even if she doesn't come around now, she
will eventually see you are saving yourself and will come to support you
down the line.
Good luck to you.
Mary Ann Karns
— mskarns
November 9, 2001
I am fortunate to have a loving family that recognizes my need to change
before I start having more serious side effects of being so Obese. They
remember my nights of crying, because nobody liked the fat kid. They
remember how I was teased in Jr. High, and how much it affected me. They
remember all of the diets that I have tried and failed at. They remember
their own insults to me about my weight to try to motivate me to lose it.
But in the end they remember that they Love me, and want me to be around
for a long time. They recognize that if I continue on the way I am I will
surely die before them. You ned to write them a letter explaining all the
research you have done detailing what is involved to try to teach them.
like Other Posters have said. They are uninformed, and ingnorant of the new
WLS prosedures performed today, and everyone of them has their
"friend" that died horribly due to complications of WLS, and do
not want the same for you, so teach them so they can make an informed
descision about whether to support you or not.
— sbinkerd1
November 9, 2001
Wendy,I know exactly how you feel. My mom who does live w/me,has all but
disowned me for making this decision. And as my surgery date gets
closer,12/10, the worse it gets there is no easy answer to this. I know
fear plays a big part in my mom's reaction,but the need to control her
children also factors in there somewhere. There is no reasoning w/her,no
rational discussion can be had,it all ends up in a shouting match,which
does no good at all,so I have decided to just leave it alone. This is a
woman who has no idea of what it's like to be morbidly obese,she has no
idea and can't imagine what normal day-to-day problems I face,just because
of my weight.She can see the effects,but can't grasp the reality of how I
live. So to her this surgery is way to extreme,and refuses to even try to
understand it. I have made peace w/her decision,I am an adult so permission
is not needed for any aspect of my life. It would be nice to have her
support,but I will do just fine on my own.And you will too.Don't worry
about who will support/or won't support you,if you know this is right for
you,then stick to it.We can never please everyone all the time,and I for
one think it's about time that I make a decision that is simply based on
the fact that it will please me,and everyone else can just step aside.
Wendy you do need to do this for yourself,and no matter how much outside
support you may have,even though emotionally it will help,it will be
you/and you alone who makes this weight loss journey either a success/or a
failure. I'm opting for success,as I know you are too. Hopefully in time
your Mom will realize you made the right decision,but until that time,
focus on what you know is the right thing for you.Good luck and God
bless.....Jenn
— JENNIFER C.
November 10, 2001
I am so sorry your mother is saying those horrible things to you!!!To
actually say you are on your own for any help from her and to not care for
your kids !!! She sounds like a control freak to me and a lousey mom. You
must be strong right now, stronger than any time in your life!!! Maybe
later when she sees the great results she may admit she was wrong but don't
count on it. You are doing this for you not your mom. I willing to bet this
isn't the first time she has said things like this. Its very sad when the
person we need the most turns their backs on you. See it for what it is and
go on with your new you!!! God Bless You!!
— Laura G.
November 10, 2001
Talk with your PCP/Surgeon/doctor and ask for a referral for professional
counseling. You aren't the first person to need some help dealing with
dificult parents and family members, and you won't be the last. Many years
ago, some family problems were occuring and just a few sessions with a
professional, helped me to get everything in perspective, gain lots of
insight into our family dynamics, and led me to find the stregth to get on
with my life and be happy. Today, I know that there are things about my
family that I can't change, but that I can change how I react and feel
about things, and that helps me to get through all of those awful family
events----like Christmas, birthdays and funerals! Remember that you have
time to find people outside of your mother to help you when you need it.
My family lives 50 miles from me, and many of my kid's friends's parents
were very helpful during my recovery---all I needed to do was ask &
tell them exactly what I needed. The priest at our church and principal at
my son's school also gave me lists of people and organizations to call and
ask for help. My parents weren't too supportive of me having the surgery
(VBG end of this past Aug), haven't made one comment about my success (down
37 pounds), but sure have asked me to call my surgeon and see if he'll take
my younger sister as a patient even though she has addiction problems and
her insurance has turned her down for this procedure----my parents have
said that she needs the surgery to look & feel better about herself,
and that they'll pay for it! It is Nov. and I can tell that Christmas at
my parent's will be a really great time this year----my hubby has already
said that we're going, opening presents, and leaving in a few hours without
eating, he has also told me to focus on having a nicer time afterwards at
our home with a few really close friends, our son, and some really great
lasagna & Christmas cookies. Changing the focus from what your mother
won't do for you, to what great friendships you'll make and see if this can
help get you through the rough spots.
— [Anonymous]
November 11, 2001
I am sorry to hear that your mother is not supportive. I am lucky enough to
have a wonderful supportive mother who had the surgery herself. However, I
did lose my best friend of six years. We were like sisters and swore we'd
always be best friends. She does not support me and has stopped talking to
me completely. This hurts like nothing else can. I never thought this would
happen. However, I am doing this to save my life and I stand by my
decision. It's time I stopped putting others first and thought about ME!
and what is best for me. This will give me a second chance at life and I
thank god for that and for those who DO support me. The rest are an
unfortunate casualty. I wish you all the best and hope everything works
out. Good Luck!
— Lisa W.
November 11, 2001
My daughter was against me having this surgery. I'm in the pre-op stage
(January 2002 is my date). I just told my daughter that she is very
important to me and it's important that she support me in what I'm doing,
just as I have supported her in the decisions she has made in her life. Not
all of what I would have chosen for her. She doesn't have to approve, she
only has to understand why I'm doing it. She doesn't make negative
comments anymore, but I know she is worried about my health afterward.
Someone else has said this: She isn't educated, if she knew more she would
come around. She refuses to go to my support groups....oh well, my husband
backs me 100% as do other family members.
— [Anonymous]
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