Question:
My husband doesn't think wls is necessary, maybe I could just diet.
My husband thinks wls is too drastic and that I should just diet again. I am 110lbs overweight and have dieted in the past. He thinks I just need to "stick to it" this time. I am in tears and an emotional wreck. Any suggestions? — Karen B. (posted on September 23, 2002)
September 23, 2002
Hi Karen- You didn't say if your husband struggles with weight or not. My
husband has never had a weight problem, so I knew I would first have to
approach him and help him understand what it feels like to be obese. It was
hard for me, because I had not spoken to him before about it. So I made a
list of everything I felt I missed out in my life (40 years) because of my
weight and all that I was afriad we would miss out on. As I went thru that
list with him, he saw the pain that being obese caused. After that he was
open to researching and finding out more. Today, I'm 4 months out and down
80lbs. He has a wife full of energy that will be around alot longer to have
adventures with.
Best prayers.
— Cheryl S.
September 23, 2002
Karen- How many diets have you been on in your lifetime? Have any of them
worked, where you took off most of the weight and kept it off? I am sure
you tried to "stick to it" every single time you went on a diet.
Didn't you?
I know I tried everything, and each time I started something new....I
promised myself that I would make it work. And, I always ended up failing.
Just "sticking to it" makes it sound so simple, but it's not that
easy! I doubt every single morbidly obese person out there in the world
lacks will power and dedication. I actually bet we have more than the
average skinny person! We are dieting experts! My sugeon said that once you
become 100 or more pounds overweight, is is not entirely YOUR fault. Your
body and brain act differently and do different things with the food you
consume than thinner people. Granted, we have all been quite guilty of not
exercising enough, eating the wrong foods, eating too much, etc.etc...BUT
so are skinny people!!! My husband is a stick and he rarely exercises and
eats enough for ten people. This surgery is a tool that actually helps
obese people lose the weight and keep it off. I don't know of any other
method that has such a big success rate! Your husband is probably just
scared because the surgery IS a drastic measure. I know my husband was
worried for me, but he also knew that I desperately needed and wanted this
for both my physical and mental health. This is a very personal decision,
and it is ultimately YOUR decision. You are the one who has to live with
it. If you truly believe you could really diet and keep to it and lose the
weight without surgery...I say go for it! Why mess with your body if you
don't have too. But, in reality being able to do that has about the same
odds as curing a terminal illness. It is not that great of odds. I wish you
the best of luck no matter what you decide to do. **God Bless** (open RNY
7/23/02 -55lbs)
— Shawnie S.
September 23, 2002
I never started putting on weight until after high school. I was athletic
and could eat all I wanted. I used to look at a certain person (won't say
who in my family) and think "if only she would diet and
exercise". Then in my 20's and 30's I put on a tremdious amount of
weight. I tried dieting to the extreme, and other times exercising to the
extreme. None of these things worked. I could be a stickler on details...
that is never cheating and STILL I could'nt lose and keep it off. I finally
got to the point that I would'nt bother. Why deny yourself when nothing you
do will let you lose anyway. I'm afraid your hubby may be the way I was
when I was skinny... that is "diet and exercise" is the answer.
Well often it can help... but more often it won't. I hope he loves you
enough to want what is best for you. If you believe WLS is the answer then
I hope you go for it.
— Danmark
September 23, 2002
Attend somne support group meetings TOGETHER and take a posat op to dinner,
he will come around. If he is overweight he is afraid he will be dragged
into this, and its true that once he sees you doing great he might ride
into the OR as well. But one step at a time... Jen thought I was nuts when
I first brought it up, we both had surgery and are doing great!
— bob-haller
September 23, 2002
Karen I am sorry you are having to deal with this. If he can't understand
what life as an MO is like for you, take him to WalMart. Go to the pet food
and hand him a 20 lb. bag of dog food. Then tell him to pick up four more
and carry them around the store for an hour. I'll bet he wouldn't last 5
minutes carrying all that extra weight. Diets are for people who need to
lose 5-10 pounds. They DON'T WORK for people who have more than that to
lose. You can quote him the statistics: 95% of people who diet fail. But
statistics are on your side with WLS. More than 80% of us will lose the
majority of our excess weight AND KEEP IT OFF. You will be healthier and
will have a longer life to share with him. If he gets over being a
butthead, that is. j/k ;) My DH was a little scared and defensive at first,
but I explained that I wanted to have a long healthy life WITH HIM. He got
over it and was very supportive after he figured out I wasn't going to
chuck it all and run off with the mailman! LOL
— ctyst
September 23, 2002
Oh do I know how you feel. My 6 foot 150 pound toothpick of a boyfriend
(of 4 years) cannot for the life of him understand why I want this so bad.
He can't seem to understand that my metabolism is not the same as his and
that the mere smell of food makes me gain weight. He also doesn't see
anything wrong with me the way I am (which I do appreciate) and doesn't
know why I want to change so much - I want to lose about 140 pounds. The
last time we talked about it, told him to imagine carrying *friend's name*
(of approximately the difference in weight between me and him) on his back
everyday, everywhere he went, and never being able to put her down. That
seemed to make him think about it in a different way. He can't possibly
realize what we go through while we are MO. I just hope he is supportive
after the surgery and understands that my body won't be the same ever
again.
— Toni C.
September 23, 2002
What turned the tide with my husband and made him my number one supporter
for WLS was when he began to see the toll the medical problems I have were
taking on me. He's said several times if it was just for appearance sake,
he'd never agree to it, but he saw what pain I was having in my legs,
problems with asthma, arthritis and hypertension. Since I had the surgery
8/15, he's been an angel and my number one cheerleader as I learn to eat as
I'm supposed to now and exercise.
— Cathy S.
September 23, 2002
Take your husband to the grocery store and load him up with the largest
bags of dog food you can find... ask him how it feels to carry around 60
pounds... then tell him to double it.. and pretend he's doing it day in and
day out...
that might help...
— Lisa C.
September 23, 2002
— kelly7275
September 23, 2002
You must realize some men are attracted to big gals. I sometimnes think the
before photos are better than the afters, although I realize the afters are
much healthier. So some might be anti surgery based on this... Convince
them its all about health. Theres always a fear a WLS person will loose the
weight AND the hubby when they become a babe/ Convince them you ill STILl
love them. This and fear of death from surgery accounts for most of the
dont get surgery. Lastly a MO spouse might fear they will get pushed tonget
surgery too.
— bob-haller
September 23, 2002
Karen, is it possible he is afraid for you? Sometimes family can't express
the fear they feel that they might lose you during the surgery. Try and
get him to express this while letting him know you're doing it so you will
have a long life together. That should bring him around.
— LLinderman
September 24, 2002
For those who have never researched WLS, I can understand thinking that
this is a drastic move. My 'cover of Muscle and Fitness
magazine"looking husband never understood how I could gain weight. Of
course for him, discipline is a way of life-gain 5, take off 5...he never
understood and still doesn't why the world can't live like he does. Altho
he wasn't supportive in the beginning mostly because he has seen me try
every kind of diet, only to lose and then regain, as I lost weight after
WLS, he came around. Bottom line, you have to make this decision for
yourself, and not because your husband thinks its too drastic. If you have
to go to counseling together do so..he needs to know statistics show that
95 % of dieters do not keep the weight off and if you haven't in the past,
what makes him think you will with another diet? Also, he needs to know
why this is important to you. Hang in there and do what is right for you.
Its your body and your future.
— Cindy R.
September 25, 2002
Karen, you've been through so much in the last few days. I'm sorry you've
had such a hard time in hitting this wall with your insurer. As a 100%
self pay I can really understand where you're coming from. My family felt
much like your husband does. And really they are right. Its drastic
thinking of not only cutting out most of your stomach but also causing your
body life long malabsorption issues. None of us would be here researching
WLS if diets worked for us well, and if we weren't down to this as our last
hopes. The point is WLS works and we have the statistics to prove it. I
did the presentation thing too. Presented them everything in black &
white. Printed out the research finding from the NIH, statics from the
Mayo clinic, everything credible I could find. But in the end being a self
pay you have to realize that funding this surgery is a huge financial
burden, at least it is for my family. And for that reason, even though it
IS my life I felt that they had a say in things too. And just as your
husband they wanted another diet try, something intense and hugely
motivated. Well they got it. I gave a year of my life to making things
work for myself, by myself. And I know in my heart if I can't make this
one work it won't be for lack of really trying. I've made huge changes in
my lifestyle (there's still more room of course!). If at the end of my
year I still feel I want & need my RNY I know they'll support me.
Possibly instead of butting heads on this one you could try that approach.
And in the mean time, it'll give you a chance to prepare financially,
research more of your options, change to a job that carries insurance
that'll pay for WLS. Basically find your way & make your decisions.
No matter what happens, good luck!
— Shelly S.
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