Question:
What can be done about a less than supportive family member?
I have a family member (husband's sister) who has been less than supportive of my WLS. She told me that what I was doing wasn't healthy. This is the same person who once told me that I "didn't fit in any family picture" because of my obesity. She is coming into town for Easter and I am adjusting to post op life well---re-learning how to eat. My problem is that I know she will make comments about how much I do or don't eat now. She always has. And for some reason I just can't seem to fluff it off---she gets under my skin about it for some reason. I am really getting nervous about having to eat Easter Dinner with her. And when I get nervous or upset, I can't eat. I guess my little tiny tummy gets all tied up in knots which makes it worse. I don't know how to calm myself down and how to react when she starts in on me. HELP!!! — [Anonymous] (posted on March 1, 2002)
February 28, 2002
Why do you put up with her? I personally wouldn't! I would be ready for her
nasty comments. If she comments about how much your eating or your surgery
I would reply "Yea, but remember you were the one that said I didn't
fit into the family picture" If she makes any comment about surgery, I
would tell her that "Sorry hon, I did my homework and I know what I'm
doing" "You take care of you, and I will take care of me" If
she picked on you before surgery and now after, it sounds like she views
you as an easy target, someone who's not going to give it back to her. If
these kind of people are going to dish it out then give it back to them. If
you are at a loss for words, just say "Why are you so cruel?"
"Does it make you feel better to cut me down?" Good Luck!
— ZZ S.
February 28, 2002
What do you get out of giving her so much power? No one can get under your
skin unless you give them an invitation. I know it sounds easy to "not
let it get to you" but that is exactly what you must do. Do a worst
case scenario in your head, what she might say and what you might say back.
Keep your cool and show class. That way her comments wont seem like an
ambush. The fact is you dont need her support or comments. PERIOD
— Mary G.
February 28, 2002
I think we all have to deal with family idiots. Personally, I don't like
confrontation so I either ignore smart-ass comments or I look at them like
they are from MARS and say "THANKS FOR YOUR INPUT". They usually
shut their big yapper shortly after I look at them like I do and then I
just go on talking or whatever I am doing like nothing happened. I do not
like negative people and I try to eliminate them from my surroundings,
family or not. I think I am (and you) are better than that mean-spirited
person, don't let them get your goat. I am pre-op and do not look forward
to dealing with a few family members ~ but I know that when the time comes
I will be prepared with "the look". LOL ~ Best wishes and keep
your chin up! ~ Debbie
— Deborah F.
February 28, 2002
Hi. Sorry the SIL is such a drag - she sounds like a really you know what.
But keep in mind, as you get thin I am sure your confidence will build,
and that will help you in having the best reaction to her. Remember, you
can always vent your feeling to your family here. Good luck!
— rebeccamayhew
February 28, 2002
I have known people like her before. It sounds as if she likes to be
brutally honest, and make her opinions known to the whole world. I would
turn the tables on her. Take one, or more of her prominent features, and
start telling her what she should, or should not do with it.
Example: "My, is your nose getting bigger?!", "you might
want to have that checked out", and then turn to someone else so she
can hear, and say something like "I hear a large nose is a sign of
alcoholism". Sounds childish, maybe a little sadistic, but it will
send her a message that she does not have the power to belittle you in
front of everyone again. I know some people will say turn the other cheeck.
Why? so you can get slapped again?! Give this B*&$^(Insert big B-Word
here) a taste of her own medicine!
— sbinkerd1
February 28, 2002
When she starts up, in front of the family say "I didn't know you
worked in the bariatric field!?! Show me your license and I'll be glad to
listen to you." That will get her to keep quiet.
Don't let her intimidate you. I have a "future" sister-in-law
who has done that to me for years. Since I have lost the weight, I feel
more and more confident and she obviously sees that I am stronger and now
keeps quiet. She may in reality be intimidated by you for other reasons
(which was in my case)and knows what button to jab to get your feelings
hurt. You should be proud of what you did for yourself - to make the
decision to have this surgery takes alot of thought and what you already
have gone through emotionally and physically with surgery shows that you
are a strong and confident person! Don't let her get to you. Best of
wishes!
— blank first name B.
March 1, 2002
You know... every time I hear about these calase uncaring, uninformed,
hypacritical, anyway.. enough adjectives... people I keep thinking about
the saying "I may be fat, but you're ugly, and I can diet..."
It's childish... but so is belittling people in general and it takes
someone who has no respect for people in general to be so demeaning... You
done what was right for you hon.. don't forget that. Just don't get to the
point where I had to, and I told my husband that if he didn't get his
family off my back he'd be spending the holidays alone.. Good luck, don't
let her ruin your Easter ! This is your re-birth and your new life...
Congratulations on that!
— Elizabeth D.
March 1, 2002
You should be attending support group meetings, they REALLY help. Make some
friends and try inviting a post op to visit hile you irritating realtive is
there. Seeing is believing, the post ops before picture can go a LONG ways
to defusing you realtive. Itsa worth a try, although just wait, one day she
will see you slim and healthy.
— bob-haller
March 1, 2002
I'm jumping in with my 2 cents worth. Remember, it takes 2 to fight, you
and her. If she says anything, just be a broken record. She says
something and you say, "I'm doing just fine, thank you for your
concern." She says something else, still trying to get to you and you
say, "I'm doing just fine, thank you for your concern." And so
on and so on. Just don't say anything else to her. Don't try to put her
down or refute what she says. That just gives in to her little game.
She'll get tired of it pretty quickly and leave you alone. I know it's not
easy, but it DOES work.
— garw
March 1, 2002
I would not be confrontational with her, it will only lead to who can throw
the biggest insult. I would be honest with her and say "I made a
decision to get healthy, and I need all the support I can get. If you
can't do that for me then I would rather not discuss this with you at
all" Then stick to it if she does not change her attitude.
— Lori D.
March 1, 2002
I would not be confrontational with her, it will only lead to who can throw
the biggest insult. I would be honest with her and say "I made a
decision to get healthy, and I need all the support I can get. If you
can't do that for me then I would rather not discuss this with you at
all" Then stick to it if she does not change her attitude.
— Lori D.
March 1, 2002
Okay ~ here's what you do and it will help to keep things light. Know that
you've done the right thing - you are giving yourself back health & a
life that we can't have when morbidly obese (full of energy, feeling good,
not so many worries, etc). If people want to judge that, so be it. This
is YOUR life and you've made a huge decision to do something good for
yourself...know it and believe it and know you have about a half a million
people who support you. :) NOW ~ as to the sister in law - keep in mind
that she's probably just upset that Dorothy dropped her house upon her
sister many years ago - hahaha - she's still hanging on to that grief. :)
As you think this to yourself, it will help to keep things in perspective
and not get your worrying or grieving over it. It's not worth it.
Secondly, my mom use to tell me when things get real hectic and crazy in a
relationship and the arguments and chaos is on....if you can bring yourself
to do it, just start barking. Barking? Yes, that's right....she said bark
like your favorite dog. Be it a chihuahua or a great dane - I always pick
the size of the dog by how pissed I am. HAHAHA ~ If your sister in law says
something you don't like, BARK. If you think she thinks your nuts now,
you'll just help seal that package right up. If you can't bring yourself
to do it aloud, bark inside and it will at least bring some giggling or a
smirk to your heart. If it gets to that point, change the subject. I'd
kill her with kindness - if she says something tacky, I'd acknowledge it as
others have suggested and then I'd say "I really like the way your
hair is done" or "your skin looks so vibrant
today"...something that will throw her for a loop and she might try
and "be" a nicer person to help you get through Easter dinner.
Hang in there - say some prayers about it and release the fear...you've
come way too far to allow someone else to rule how your feeling on any
particular day. This is about you taking charge. BARK LIKE CRAZY. :) If
nothing else, it will break the ice. My mom said it worked like a charm
through their arguments, because someone always started laughing and it
broke the tension. Fun stuff.
— [Anonymous]
March 1, 2002
You know, turning 43 made a real difference in my ability to interact with
people who used to annoy me. Instead of being polite and just swallowing
their comments, I am now given to speaking my mind, which in turn, seems to
make a difference in stopping their verbal bullying. Looking someone dead
in the eye and saying something to the extent of: "Have you ever
considered that I really don't give a flying fuque what your thoughts are
in this matter, so why don't you keep your thoughtless and ignorant
comments to yourself?" then changing the subject usually puts an end
to the matter. People LOVE to continue to abuse the newly thin with
comments like, "I am so glad you finally did something about your
weight" (like I wasn't damn well trying before!) Good Luck!
— merri B.
March 1, 2002
Non-supportive family members can be frustrating. However, I think you
would do well NOT to heed Merri's comments (and the "F" word -
regardless of how pretty you like to spell it is still the "F"
word and is totally offensive and inappropriate). Honey, you have to pick
the fights you can win and it sounds like your confrontational
sister-in-law would argue with you if you said "The sky is blue".
You'll find that you'll make far more headway if you deal with this woman
with grace and tact. Don't get in her face. Don't get in a shouting match
with her. If she says something try to smile sweetly and say (in the best
combination of firmness and delicacy possible) "I understand that you
don't agree with this surgery. However, I have to take whatever steps
necessary to ensure my health and well being. If you can't support my
decision I would appreciate it if you would at least respect my decision
and not try to discourage me." When other family members see that you
are responding with dignity chances are they will not support her rude
comments or outbursts. Losing weight and regaining self esteem is a
wonderful and rewarding process. Unfortunately some folks find that weight
loss empowers them to the point of being overbearing, rude boors. This
type of behavior isn't productive for anyone and it certainly doesn't make
a good name for WLS overall. I DO care what people think and I'm not
ashamed to say it. Fortunately I have the ability to convey my opinions to
naysayers without lowering my standards in the process. Keep your dignity
and you'll win in the long run. (And if that fails - I'd say go ahead and
BARK at her - at least it would keep you laughing!! Ha Ha Humor can be a
wonderful cure-all!!!) Best wishes to you. You made a good and courageous
decision and you deserve to be proud of yourself!
— [Anonymous]
March 1, 2002
Wow! This question has garnered more responsed than any other I remember.
It must really touch a sensitive spot. I'd like to give you my
"take". I come from two places, psychotherapist and self esteem
facilitator. As the self esteem person, when I do assertiveness training
workshops, there are two major thoughts to keep in mind. The first is that
to be assertive, one must take care of oneself without injuring another
party. So, I would not agree with the respondants who suggested being
nasty, hurtful, insulting, etc. Doing that will not help you feel strong
or competent - and that's what your goal is. The other point is that when
we have arguments or situations with familiar people, we often can predict
(to a fairly accurate degree) what that person will say. So, my suggestion
is - use that information! So, if you think this SIL is going to say
"how can you live by eating that little" - expect it and say,
Gosh, I don't know - it's pretty amazing, isn't it? Or, Gee, I guess I
should ask my doctor about it. Don't fight her and don't let her get to
you. If you expect something - you can prepare. And, actually, as a
therapist, my view is pretty consistent with the above. We have a
technique (a very effective one, I might add) called "joining".
So, again, if she says "how can you live on that little food?",
you might say - so you think I should be eating more?. I don't know how
else to say this except "go with the flow". You will never get
anywhere by fighting this woman - you will only be providing her with more
ammunition. She won't know what to do with you if you stay calm and you
agree with her. Do you know Jack Canfield, the author of the "Chicken
Soup" books? I did my self esteem training with him. One of his
stories had to do with his mother who would always berate him when he
called ("you never call me, you never visit, you don't think of
me" - etc.). What he started to do was agree with her - "you're
right, ma. I'm really terrible, it must feel awful to have a son like me,
I don't know why you even bother with me" and so on). What was her
response? "Oh come on, you're not that bad. Don't put yourself down
like that. At least you call once a week. My friend Mary's son doesn't
even call once a month". Eleanor Roosevelt said, "no one can
insult you without your permission". Don't give her the power or
permission to get you upset or hurt. Bring out the power within yourself
to deal with her. Congratulate yourself on your courage and wisdom to have
the surgery. And, mostly, remember - SHE'S GONNA GO HOME! Concentrate on
enjoying your holiday and the people whom you'll be glad to see. This
woman will never match you in grace, intelligence and determination. Good
luck and Happy Easter! Nancy
— Nancy Z.
March 1, 2002
I can really understand where you are coming from, I have worked with the
public for a very long time. It was in a bookstore and some of the
customers felt that they could say whatever they wanted. One man was buying
a book called "eat right for your blood type" and he pushed it
across the counter and said to me you should get this maybe you would lose
weight. Instead of saying anything, I have found a patented way that works
everytime. I just calmly stared at him for a good minute. He soon realized
he had insulted me and apologized. If this does not work I would say if
she makes a comment on your level of food comsumption "I find it
fascinating that you are so concerned with my eating habits. Am I
accidentally eating from your plate or stopping you from eating something?
Because if I am I am truly sorry. If you don't think I am eating enough
that is very sweet to care so much but I am sure you wouldn't want me to
have a sore stomach" and smile very sweetly. Try really hard not to
let her get to you that is what she wants. It is these kind of situations
that made us worry in the past and worst of all overeat!!! Take care and
keep up the excellent work.
— UMMADUMMASS
March 8, 2002
If she makes a comment about the amount you are eating or the type of foods
you are eating, you could say, "Thank you so much for your concern! I
am following my doctor's advice on that. He's really pleased with my
progress!" Then turn to someone else and make unrelated conversation.
She's saying those things because she gains power from making you squirm
and gets attention for it. By taking this approach you take both the power
and the attention away and eventually she'll learn to pick on somebody
else. I agree with anticipating the remarks she'll make and practicing your
response. It will help you come out with it smoothly when she actually lays
down one of those bombs!
— ctyst
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