Question:
I was wondering if I was the only one who feels this way?
The thing is that I really don't feel fat. Well I do but I don't feel THAT fat. I can be going along, thinking what I am wearing looks nice or that I look attractive. Then I walk past a mirror and I am shocked. It's hard to believe that that is me. That bloated, awkward person in the mirror or video or picture. I really never think that things have gotten that out of control. Does anyone else feel this way? It's so depressing. It ruines my whole day. Then I feel stupied for trying to be sexy or attractive to my husband. — Brandyraj (posted on April 16, 2003)
April 15, 2003
oh my....I have always felt the same way. Thought I looked good....until I
saw myself in pics or video...what a let down. But am feeling much better
about myself these days. Have lost 100 pounds.......LAP RNY 8/8/03 Take
care....it does it get better.
— penciepaws
April 15, 2003
No way are you the only one!! I've always been overweight. Over the years
the weight crept on and SOMEHOW, don't ask me how, I just didn't seem to
notice. I always bought stretchy, comfy pants, so I never felt them
getting tight. I very successfully dodged the cameras for years, and I
didn't own a scale.
Then it happened!! I was attending an awards ceremony at my son's school
two years ago. He was receiving an honors award and I was such a proud
mama. Then, they called me up to the stage in front of EVERYONE to have my
picture taken with my son. After that, the picture was hanging in the
display case at the entrace of the school where everyone could see it. I
saw myself in that picture and thought I might die!! They were so kind as
to send home an extra copy. I just stared at it for hours in utter
disbelief. Of course, then I had to run right out and get a scale. I
stepped my 5'4" body on that sucker and I'm sure I heard it scream!!
I weighed 246.
I dieted/staved off over 60 pounds and got stuck at 185. I was OK with
that. But of course, after a crash diet, the inevitable weight gain
started again. (Big suprise, huh?)
I've ridden the roller coaster too many times. I now weigh 251, I KNOW I'm
fat, and I'm ready to get off this ride.
Oh my, how I do ramble on.
Anyhoo, just wanted you to know you're not alone. I think many of us have
lived that shocking moment.
Good Luck!!
— Jennifer H.
April 15, 2003
I never felt fatter than after I made the decision to go ahead with
surgery. There was no more living in Denialville for me. I felt every ounce
of me and saw it too for the first time. I think for me if I had not been
able to feel okay how would Ihave been able to function? I had to tell
myself that it was not so bad. The reality hit me when i started using
words like morbidly obese and gastric bypass! At my highest weight my
husband still thought I was sexy and you are not silly. I am sure he
appreciates it. Now I catch myself in a mirror or a store window and have
to do a double take because i cannot believe the change in just 3 months
and down 70 pounds.
— Carol S.
April 15, 2003
Boy, I thought I was the only one who felt that way!!! Glad you posted. It
is strange how our minds has tricked us all these years. When I wear
certain clothes I look in the mirror, like you and I do think what's the
problem I look nice and not that bad. Then you look at someelse's mirror or
a glimple in a large window as you walk by and see your reflection and I
think man! I'm gross. No way I'm that FAT, there must be something wrong
with that glass!!! Although I'm doing the surgery for health reasons, being
smaller is a great side effect!...LOL - but serious too.
— Barbara S.
April 15, 2003
WOW I felt that way for yrs. Until this past year my body started telling
me!! Legs, feet, knees started yelling it at me!! LOL. I too was realy
shocked at pictures of me and all. I knew I was big but WOW those pics were
eye openers when I did see them. I started researching WLS about 2 yrs ago
but REALLY got serious when I started having feet problems...My 34 yr old
body was feeling 100. Time is here to get help NOW before its too
late...surgery is next Wed (finally after an 8 month wait from consult).
I'm so ready to feel 34 again! Jamie
— Jamie M.
April 15, 2003
Brandy, OMG . . . I thought it was just me. I thought I was totally nuts! I
finally realized that I had to do something! Because, my BP,Colesteral, and
servere sleep apnea. My surgery is 51 days a way. Being sexy is between two
people . . . even MO women can feel sexy! Best of luck!
Michele :)
— Michele D.
April 15, 2003
I also didn't feel THAT fat (at over 300 pounds!) and it was the aching
feet and joints and sleep apnea that sent me to surgery. You think it's a
shock now... just wait until you lose the weight and look at your before
pictures. You really won't believe it. I have the pictures that my WLS
surgeon took on the day of the consult. I though I looked pretty cute that
day. Had on my favorite outfit, thought it was flattering. NOT!!! What a
wakeup. I don't remember ever looking that big.
— mom2jtx3
April 15, 2003
Brandy: I was able to stay in denial myself for many years. I usually
avoided pictures and anyone with a video camera, because somewhere in my
mind I knew what I really looked like. But, like a previous poster said,
my knees, feet and back started screaming, and I started really
"looking" at myself. I have always tried to take care of myself
as much as possible - make sure clothes fit well, get my hair done, wear
makeup, etc., but it's still there. God bless my husband - he thinks I'm
sexy, and I love him for that. And I've always had people tell me I look
good (and I'm thinking they're thinking "good for a fat
person"!). My encounters with mirrors are usually from the neck up
only. A real eye-opener came about a year ago. I had been dieting and
lost about 20 pounds. I felt pretty good as my clothes started feeling
looser. My husband's daughter had just had a baby, and we were all in the
pictures together. I was thinking maybe I wouldn't look too bad in them
since I had just lost some weight. WRONG! When I saw them, I was so
shocked that I was STILL so much bigger than everyone else. And it doesn't
help that everyone else is normal or thin. Sorry for the rambling here,
but I needed this question to express my own feelings on this subject.
Thanks a bunch for posting, and remember there are lots of us in the same
place as you.
— Carlita
April 15, 2003
I could also have written this question. I never saw myself as nearly as
big as I really was. EVER. I had no idea I weighed in at a whopping 296
at 5'3" I have always done my hair makeup and clothes. I never let the
rest of me "go" as some people think "fat" people do.
I never saw that only inthe horrendous pictures that were occasionally
snapped or at the mall I would be like who the hell is that person standing
next to my huband. Not me? I don't look like that. I had complete denial
because I think that's the only way I could wake up and go throug the day.
I think that's how I coped. It was hard once I started to lose weight too
b/c I also couldn't "see" the loss b/c I didn't really
"see" the fat. Wierd but true. You are certainly not alone and
if you ever need a friend feel free to email. This issue is SOOOOO close
to home. Good luck with Cigna and your future. :-) Penny 07/31/02 Lap
RNY current weight 168.5 total loss 90 lbs
— pcollin4
April 15, 2003
Ok, I am going to admit that I don't feel fat. I look at other people who
I think are "fat" and think I don't look that bad. I am now five
days from surgery and am starting to get anxious/nervous and I'm thinking
Do I really need to do this? I'm not that bad. I know what the scale says
and I know what size I wear and yes I am that bad. I can just see me when
I get skinnier. I'll be thinking I am fat then. I am glad that I am not
the only one who feels this way.
— Melanie S.
April 15, 2003
I am 13 days post op. I never did feel That Fat. I know I am fat and that I
needed this surgery, but when I compared myself(which is a big no-no) to
others I have read about or people they interview on TV- I am not as big.
What really made me realize that, yes I am fat is when I told a co-worker
about the surgery and she said that she thought it was great and would help
me alot- I about fell over- I expected her to say- really you actually
qualify- you are not that big-but she did not say that. I am sure alot of
people see me bigger than I see myself. I also realized I am too big when I
went to the movie and had to squish my big butt into the seat. I also can't
imagine myself thin- I am excited though for it to happen- I would just
look at the NIH guidelines and then you may be able to face up to the
reality that you are MO. Sorry-hope that did not sound mean. Good Luck with
your journey.
— Jan S.
April 15, 2003
Yep, I always felt like that. We would get all dressed up to go out, it
would take me hours to look just perfect. Then I would look in the mirror
and think sheesh what is the point? Well NOW when I walk by a window or
something I think holy crap who is that. Damn she looks good! hehe then I
realize it is me. What a change.
— smedley200
April 16, 2003
I was just talking to family about this. An aunt I haven't seen since a
few days after my surgery came to visit and happened to bring a picture of
me that was taken just a couple days after my surgery. OMG! I couldn't
believe it! So I guess I wasn't the only one in deniel about how bad I
looked but everyone I show the picture to says the same thing too, "I
don't remember you being THAT big! I find it ironic, because now I am in
deniel about how much better I look. I wonder sometimes if my mind is EVER
going to have a grasp on reality. HA HA! Great post!
— Laurel C.
April 16, 2003
Me too . . . me too . . . me too! It's always the pictures that tell the
truth. I agree with an earlier poster who said that without the denial,
how could we have functioned. Amen to that! But when denial breaks, then
life can really begin, because we can make new and different choices. I'm
grateful for this surgery. 33 days post-op and down 27.5 lbs. Robin
— rebalspirit
April 16, 2003
Looks like you hit on a hot topic. I never thought I looked that bad
either. I thought I was okay. Now that I'm 5 months post-op and have
dropped 5 sizes to a 14/16 I put on old t-shirts and could just cry at the
size of them. I really was that big! I think I'll keep some of those big
shirts around just to keep me in check along the way!
— Colleen S.
April 16, 2003
Brandy,
Great topic, I think pre-op I was just kidding myself, and making myself
believe that I was ok, and that size didn't matter, I hardly ever dressed
up, I didn't own not one pair of pumps, and my husband never ever caught me
wearing skirts at all. I strickly wore pants, and T-shirts.... I hated
maked-up and always thought what's the use.... I truly hated myself, deep
down inside I was in denial of how I looked, pre-op I would dash in front
of the mirror, or stand side ways by the door way to cut off half of my
gut, or thigh area just to make me look a little better, (It's a mind
thing) I wore galsses until the year of 1997, I wore them all the time,
and took them off when I did my makeup and hair to where I wouldn't be able
to see such the big body that was standing in front of the mirror, I think
the realization came in the year of 1997, when I had my eye's done (Laser)
Now I have 20/15 vision and can see everything, I think that put me in
total depression and I begin to just pack on more pounds as I could a whole
heck of allot more and everywhere........
Now that I'm post op 11 months and down 127 pounds, man the world has
changed, I honestly ask my husband what in the world did you see in me ?
How could you have loved such a monster, (As that's how I saw myself, a
beast) He schruggs and says that he's my best friend and knew that some-day
I'd be happy with myself and he's stand behind me no matter what, well he's
still here, and LOVE'S Standing behind me now ! (SMILE) every now and then
I see a new glimsp of him looking at me and seeing how I've changed, he
says he's so proud of me and proud to be the person beside me to watch be
blossom into a sophistaced woman. Married since 95 been together since 93,
Oh man love is good.....
Hang in there, things will change, you'll be post-op soon.
and in that time you'll love the changes, I can hardly reconize myself now
when I look in the mirror and when I catch a reflection in a shopping store
window, the mind still hasn't caught up...
Hang in there Brandy ! I know where you're comming from, I think we all
do. Much hugs,
Post op 11 months down 127 pounds
— tannedtigress
April 16, 2003
Thanks for posting this question. CLEARLY- you are not alone. I have a
girlfried that had RNY right before me and we shared this little 'secret'
that we never thought we were THAT fat. There are people that I would
never tell that to, because they just wouldn't understand. I hate to admit
it, but I was just in plain old denial. I had no scale, I had no full
length mirrors, I would be the photographer- rather than be IN the picture
whenever possible. Now I realize, all of these things were contrived by me
so that I could keep my illusions. Most sadly, I would always compare to
other MO people and feel better by telling myself - "Well, at least
I'm not THAT fat." Isn't that sad? It's my opinion that the good
things that came from this denial is we tended to be more outgoing, hade
better self esteem going into this thing and fare better with the mental
image of the 'skinny' version of themself. I guess I am glad for the
denial in that way. But, NOW- I own a scale, I own a full length mirror
(and actually use it) and I am delighted when I see myself in a picture.
— LMCLILLY
April 16, 2003
Boy, this made me cry!!!!!! I feel the exact same way. I get all dressed
up feeling like I'm on top of the world. Really, pretty. Then I glance in
a store window or something and I see how I *really* look and it just makes
me feel terrible. I honestly don't think I'll ever be able to see myself
as pretty as I *think* I am. Does that make sense? Hopefully after
surgery and when I at or near my goal weight, I'll feel better about the
way I look... You are NOT alone!!!!!!!!
— Renee B.
April 16, 2003
Wow, I know EXACTLY what you mean. Denial is not just a river in Egypt. I
never thought I was THAT fat but then again, I didn't do pictures, didn't
own a scale and didn't have a full-length mirror. When I saw myself in
pictures or on video, I wanted to cry. And it's true what Carol said about
never feeling that fat until I made the decision to have this surgery. I'm
now 9 weeks post lap RNY and down 64 pounds. It's been hard for me to make
the decision to actually buy new clothes, even though the ones I own are
hanging off me. I guess I'm in denial about losing the weight. Last night I
went to my dad's house-- hadn't seen each other in a few weeks. He took one
look at me, told me how great I looked and then advised me to please buy
smaller clothes because I was starting to look like a bag lady!
— lizinPA
April 16, 2003
ANd now for the mans point of view. I think everybody feels this way. When
I look on the mirrow in a front view I think I look OK. Turn sideways and
YEE Gawds. And of course we all know the camera and mirrors add a hundred
pounds. LOL
— snicklefritz
April 16, 2003
I guess your question really did hit a nerve with lots of people. I
definitely have denied how fat I really am to myself. Until recently, my
upper body and especially my face were deceivingly slimmer than the rest of
me. Suddenly, the fat can't be hidden anymore. When I weigh as much as a
heavyweight or superheavyweight boxer or football player, there is no
denying a major problem.
Funny though, when I was thin I never saw myself as thin either. I'm sure
there is a name for this.
— [Deactivated Member]
April 16, 2003
Hi there! What you described is me, to a tee! I was the same way. About
a year ago it finally dawned on me that I had a very distorted view of
myself. I know I'm fat, but I didn't feel THAT fat, I had this image in my
head of what I looked like to others, and the same thing happened to me --
I would see a reflection or a photograph of myself, and what I saw did not
reflect what my brain thought I looked like. Yes, it was disheartening,
but it just strengthened my resolve to go through with this surgery. Don't
feel silly about trying to be attractive to your husband, because he loves
you and is likely not as critical of you as we are of ourselves.
— beeda
April 16, 2003
Not only did I not realize I was that fat, when I did decide to have
surgery I actually thought that it was my metabolism that got me that way,
not that I ate too much food. I thought I wasn't eating much. Come
on....I weighed 450 lbs when I had surgery, I couldn't have gotten that big
on tiny meals of salad. I see a lot of pre-ops that say that they dont eat
much. I see now that I did, I had just done it for so long it didn't seem
like it. Now my problem is that I don't see the 225 lbs I've lost. I
still think I'm just as big as before. I mean I feel healthier and all
that, but when I look in the mirror I still see the same old fat person.
Its funny how your mind works.
— Monica H.
April 16, 2003
hi there :) wow do i know where you are coming from! i never would realize
just how big i was until i would see me on video or in pictures with family
members amoungst all these normal bodys and i looked like an ameba. OMG!
how depressing! well now its funny that i dont realize im the new me until
i see me in pics or video, funny how that works yeah?
— carrie M.
April 16, 2003
There actually is a name for the problem but for some reason I've blocked
it. :) It is really the same problem that an anorxic has - they don't
really see how terribly thin they are. They can die believing that they
look okay and refusing to eat. Okay, so thats not my problem-I've never
been too thin but not seeing the real picture is not just limited to us and
I think eventually we do come to grips that we are finally a normal weight.
— Sandi O.
April 16, 2003
I have felt the same way and having it confirmed by many people that I am
not that big didn't help much but since I started trying to have this
surgery my view of myself has changed. I feel like I am just this blob but
in the last 2 weeks I have lost a few pounds and I feel much better about
how I look now. I should be having surgery in June and I hope that I will
be able to see the positive changes in myself that when I have lost weight
before I have never seen now that I know I have this problem with how I see
myself. I think that there is a name for this it is called Body Dismorfic
disorder but it is usually used to describe anarexics who see themselves as
fat instead of thin. As for you thinking that your husband doesn't think
you are attractive I think more of that is attitude. When I feel sexy then
I think he thinks I am when I don't then I feel like he doesn't think I am
but he always does because he didn't marry me for a body he married me for
the mind.
— S C.
April 16, 2003
Brandy, our mind work in unusual ways. I never thought I was THAT fat. I
was 250lbs, but had never been called fat in my life. (Guess I always ran
into nice strangers!) My friends never said I was that bad, and all said I
did not look like I weighed that much. It wasn't until a few weeks after
surgery that I saw pictures of myself and screamed! I couldn't believe that
was me!! And now I see those pictures, and hear how everyone tells me they
don't even recognize me anymore, it's amazing. And although I know I look
better, and I am at my goal weight of 135, it's hard to see what others see
now. I think someone mentioned that before. But you are normal, I think
many of us felt the same way pre-op. And don't ever feel stupid for trying
to be sexy for your husband, just because we were/are overweight, does not
mean we're not attractive and sexy too! Goodluck to you!
— Lezlie Y.
April 16, 2003
Body Dysmorphic Disorder. Had it when I was over 300 pounds ("I'm not
THAT fat"). Have it now (in reverse) in a size 8 ("I'm STILL
fat").
— mom2jtx3
April 16, 2003
I answered this question earlier but wanted to share what happened to me
earlier. I work in an elementary school and had a kid come up to me to say
that another kid said that "My a-- is f----- up." and She is so
fattttt!!!! Yes fat F-A-T not P-H-A-T. The kid is in 2nd grade, I wanted
to say something so bad, just revert back to elementary school so bad and
say back "Yeah well I can loose weight but UGLY is forever" I
just pray LORD give me the strength.
— Melanie S.
April 17, 2003
Holy Smokes! I couldn't believe it when I read this question as I thought
I was the only one who felt like this. In fact I'll go one further....
When I catch a glimpse of myself in a window or mirror I will quickly look
away and have this moment where I feel as though that horrible looking
person ceases to exist once I can no longer see her. I know she's still
right here feeling as awful as she looks, and all I can say is I'm
praying-praying-PRAYING for this surgery.
— Melissa L.
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