Question:
Nearly 2 years post-op, pregnant, with jealous friend
I am 22 months post op. Started at 378 and got down to 165 pre-pregnancy. I have a friend who had wls about the same time I did. She is younger than me by 15 years, and was not as heavy as I was pre-op. Prior to wls, I was told I could never have kids. She was really supportive of my problem, and she had three children pre-wls which I was there for her each and every time and treat her kids like they were my nieces and nephews. My problem is this: she never lost all her weight and has been extremely jealous of my weight loss success. Whenever we are around each other, she claims to be about 50-65 lbs lighter than she really is (even after plastic surgery). I was much more strict with my diet and exercise than she was, and she wouldn't listen to any suggestions I made to help her, even when she asked for them. And now she is extremely jealous of my being pregnant. Everyone around us can tell she weighs more than she claims, even with ps -- and I am just sick that the friendship may be lost because she seems to no longer be able to talk with me, and won't even say a word about my being pregnant, even when I try to share with her about it like she did with me when she was pregnant and KNEW I never could have kids. Should I just chalk it up and let it go? I hate to lose a friendship, but... it is stressing me out too much. — Sharon m. B. (posted on November 4, 2003)
November 3, 2003
<b>Hello, here's my 2 cents, I think you have already lost your
friend. as soon as you noticed the change. I know it hurts but it's time to
move on, maybe after you step away she will see how she's been acting and
come to you , if she don't then you have your answer. Hey! congratulations
on being pregnate. I do remember the joy of the 1st baby. don't let no one
put a damper on this special time. focus on these moments they will last
you for a life time.</b>
— Naes Wls J.
November 3, 2003
Sharon, I'm so sory that your friend hasn't been the support for you that
you were for her. You have been so supportive for MANY people on this
site...me including! Jealousy is a very upsetting emotion when it comes
from someone we know and love. It's one of those things that we don't have
any control over and cannot change ourselves...which is why I think it is
so upsetting. (I do admit to having a few control issues. Hahaha.) Know
that you will always have support on this site from the friends you have
made here! Your friend will have to make the conscious decision to
overcome her feelings of jealousy. I'm just so tickled for you and Jym
that you will be parents, that I'll be all the support you want! :)
Hopefully it will be me and Jason expecting this time next year!
Hugs...Rachel Turner
— Rachel T.
November 4, 2003
I agree with Nadine. If you are the kind of person who really needs
answers, then I would put it all on the table and aske her. Say, I have
noticed some tension from you that I am not sure about. This is what I
have noticed...then ask her if you are right in your perceptions. Her
response, even if she is defensive will give you your answer.
Good Luck!
— Michele B.
November 4, 2003
Hi Sharon, I too have lost people in my life who I thought were my
"friends" but sometimes it is a one-way street on our part and
then they don't want to give what it takes to keep the friendship going.
Give her some space. If she comes back to you then you have a
"true" friendship, if not, then invest your time elsewhere.
Congradulations on having your 1st baby! It is definately a gift from
above. May God Bless you and keep you in His care! Jill
— Jill S.
November 4, 2003
Sharon- First off- Congrasts on TWO fronts -your great success and your
pregnancy! I'm very happy for you. It gives me great hope, since I too
would like to have a baby and couldnt before WLS. Anyway- I digress. I
have another take for you on this friend. I had a friend who had WLS (lap
band) and, unfortunately, failed. She gained back all her weight and then
some. When I approached her about my WLS (RNY) she seemed supportive.
Then, as time went on and I was losing weight, I began noticing that she
stopped calling and wasn't really there for me. My initial thought was
that she was jealous. But, I decided to try and have a heart to heart with
her - I valued our freindship so much- I couldn't imagine not having her in
my life. Anyway- what it came down to was something very different. She
was ashamed and embarrassed of her failure, not jealous of me. I felt very
selfish at not being able to see her pain and turning the situation into
'all about me'. We had some good talks and are fine now. This may NOT be
your situation. But my point is, if this is a good friend you need to give
her a chance. Talk to her and see what's wrong. Tell her how you feel,
but don't accuse. You can then decide what to do with this friendship.
Good luck to you!
— LMCLILLY
November 4, 2003
sharon, i really dont have any advice on this. just my thoughts. you have
been a support to me and others on this site. you are a terrific person.
you have done nothing to warrant this treatment by your friend. it is her
issue. next, i am so happy for your pregnancy. i always wanted children.
due to a string of circumstances that finally ended with a hysterectomy at
the age of 40 it is not going to happen. now post wls, i see that it was
probably pcos and had i had my surgery sooner, who knows, maybe i would
have 5 kids by now. at any rate, enjoy this terrific time and suck up all
the positive attention you can. when is the baby due? lets have a cyber
shower for you:)
patsy in las vegas
— PATSY N.
November 4, 2003
I've always said I had this surgery to lose weight not friends and I think
I went out of my way not to make those around me feel jealous by
downplaying my weight loss and not making too big a thing about it. I
always told my mother how much I was losing, but never called
friends/family and yelling "Hey, I lost another 10 pounds!" I
knew if it was the other way around, I would probably be jealous. I hate
to say it, but jealousy is a normal reaction. I don't think you should
stop being friends over this. You should talk to her and maybe say, you
have noticed a little tension in the relationship. You were always happy
and supportive about her pregnancies and hope she will be supportive during
yours. If you are afraid, share that with her. She needs time to get over
her jealousy and resentment. But, try to hang on if you can. Friendship
is important.
— Lisa N M.
November 4, 2003
Sharon, no comment on your friend other than you should be avoiding stress
now as much as possible. Just--CONGRATULATIONS on your baby!!!! :-DDD
— Chris T.
November 4, 2003
You all are just wonderful people. You never seize to amaze me, and make me
feel better about myself and my situations. Thank you all. I think I will
let her know how I feel and see if it is just me being hormonal or if the
jealousy is really there... I'll let you know! Thank you all for all your
support... I wouldn't be alive without this site and without all of you.
Love and Hugs! Sharon
— Sharon m. B.
November 5, 2003
Sharon - I think Lisa has a very valid point. Try talking to your friend
and if that does not change things it will be time to move on.
Congratulations on the pregnancy!! Sandra
— Arizona_Sun
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