Question:
Have any of you experienced family members who are unsupportive?
Hello everyone! I have just started the process of WLS. I just visited my surgeon this week, and my husband and I are very excited. HOWEVER, my parents, especially my mother are not. I am experiencing very negative and hurtful comments from her, and I expect when the time comes where I choose a surgery date, and tell them, that it might get worse. How do you deal with people so close to you being so hurtful? I love my family very much, but ultimately I have to do this for me, and am wondering is there hope of family members coming around? — jennashinners (posted on August 1, 2003)
August 1, 2003
I don't know exactly what the comments were, but I'm sure she is just
scared. I, being a Mom, am 100% sold on wls, but if my daughter would want
it, I'd be scared. You're her child even if you are an adult. She probably
heard many negative things, as we all do about wls. Perhaps give her this
web site so she can read all the positive things about wls and how many
people actually have it. Best of Luck!
— ZZ S.
August 1, 2003
I hear ya on this one! My family it would seem is split down the middle. My
boyfriend seems to have no opinion either way, but keeps asking if I have a
date. My daughter is upset she thinks I won't be her "cuddly
mommy" anymore. My son is to young at one to know the difference. My
mom is supportive, she says do what I feel is necessary I am a big girl.Her
boyfriend thinks this is the easy way out and overly drastic. He says I
should loose it the old fashion way. My brothers all say that this is
rediculous and I should go on like a massive diet or something. Both my
sisters' say its a good idea and are as excited about it as I am. what a
mess! Personally I have figured out that there is no pleasing everyone. I
have to do what's right for me.It isn't them who have to struggle just ot
get out of a chair. It isn't any of them who feels like they are going to
have a heartattack everytime they climb the three flights of stairs to
their apt it's me. And I am tired of living like this! I have had to live
with this hulk of a person, and it's time I cut her loose. If not for me,
but for my kids. So in answer to your question, no you may not get all of
them to come around, but you have to remember why u considered this in the
first place! Good luck!
— [Deactivated Member]
August 1, 2003
OMG! I had the same problem. When I first told my family I was having it, I
was told by my mother I need to go on a doctor supervised diet for a year
and try to get pregnant.(My husband and I had decided to try and concieve.)
Then, she would make comments like,'I realy wish you wouldn't have it. How
do you think we'd feel if something happens to you?' and from my brother I
got ' I don't believe it it.(He's becomming a preacher. He's just got thru
the ordination part, and goes for the licensing in about a year) and I'm
going to pray that God puts a stumbling block in your path, so if something
happens and you don't get to have it, it's His will, and God listens to me
when I pray(my brother can realy be a pompus a$$)' Every single time I
would call and talk, one of them would work in a snide remark about it. I
got very tired of it, and finaly had to tell them, 'I don't want to discuss
this with you. If you can't leave it alone, I will stop talking to you
completly. I know you love me, and think you have your best intrests at
heart, but this is my life and my decision, and you aren't living my
life.My husband and I decided this was best for me, and I'm not chaning my
mind. It took me actualy hanging up on them and not talking to them for
about a month before they finaly called again. They didn't bring it up
again after that except to ask questions about it. Thank God for my mother
in law. She was a lifesaver. We'd have never gotten thru it as well as we
did w/o her. It's hard to tell your mother/sister/father/brother to stay
out of it, and you have my prayers and sympathies. It's not easy dealing
with it. I look at it this way. It's YOUR life, and YOUR decision. They
CANNOT make the decision for you. If you and your DH are ok with it, then
more power to you.I don't regret for a minute having it. I'm out 14 weeks
and down 62 lbs, and would do it again in a heartbeat, even if I never
loose another lb.
— mellyhudel
August 1, 2003
I agree with San Z's post. My mom was very unsupportive. If the subject
came up she would say "Just tell me when it's over." My inlaws
keep most of there comments to theirselves but they didn't and still don't
ask many questions. I know from other family members that they didn't
agree with my decision. As far as my mom goes, she was just scared for me.
She was at the hospital the day of my surgery and has been one of my
biggest supporters since. She even brought me a new gown, robe, slippers,
and lotions to the hospital. As far as my inlaws are concerned I think
they are just uneducated about the whole wls thing. (Both of them are
obese) My husband was absolutely against wls until he met with my surgeon
who answered all of his questions. Now he is very proud of me and calls me
BRAVE!
Sometimes only you know what is best for you! I told the negative people
in my life that I understand their concerns but that I have done all the
research, attended support group meetings, met with psychologist, and
dietcian. I know what the risk are and I'm ready. Ask your mom to attend a
support group with you then it will be real to her not just a story on
Dateline. Be strong! 7-2-03 Open RNY 260/225/160
— GAYLE H.
August 1, 2003
This is a very hard subject. I think you need to define what unsupportive
means. just because someone doesn't agree with you doesn't mean they don't
support you. having surgery is a very private choice that we each and only
make on our own. some over weight people choose not to have surgery. that
doesn't mean they are against it...it's just not for them. some of your
friends and family don't want to be educated either. some will even want to
talk you out of it because they are scared for you. but the good thing is
most will come around after seeing how healthy you are getting. and when
that happens try not to say "i told ya so". you will need support
for the rest of your life..so don't close anyone out.......ok now for the
other side lol.. if they are rude tell them that you are an adult, you love
them but you don't want to talk about it with them unless they get some
real information about the surgery instead of making comments about rumors
they have heard. good luck to you
— franbvan
August 1, 2003
When I first told my brother (I was so excited, I told everyone) he started
yelling "Your going to die and you won't lose any weight". I
didn't recognize it at the time, but he was really afraid for me. I tried
sending him articles on the surgery so he could educate himself and it only
exascerbated the situation. We aren't really speaking to each other right
now (but we'll get over it). He even called our mother and tried to get her
to listen to his propaganda because he couldn't tolerate that she was
supporting me in this. I think you must find the people who do support you
(even if the only ones are on this website) and focus on what they have to
say. This is such a difficult decision and there is enough stress without
letting those you love make you feel bad for it. I appreciate that your
situation is probably different from mine, but you know in your heart
whether or not this surgery is right for you. Now, just follow through with
your gut instinct. You'll be fine. Good luck to you and if you need anyone
to talk to........just email me!
— SweetDragonfly
August 2, 2003
Hey Jennifer I know exactly how ya feel. My Mom is coming around at almost
a month of dealing w/the fact that I am going to do this for me w/or w/o
her blessings. She is actually driving me to one of my appts next week
& is going to attend support group w/me the week after. I think the
more she can hear others stories & see the results for herself she will
come around. She says she just loves me & doesn't want me to die from
surgery. (My father just passed away early last year & she is still
dealing w/that major loss) I told her that I had a greater chance dying
from being 330+ than I did from WLS. She has talked w/some other people
that she works w/that have also had WLS & has seen 1st hand how it has
changed their lives so that has helped too. (She works at our local
hospital w/1000+ employees) My sister is NOT supportive at all & has
yelled at me & told me that if I would only eat 4 ounces of food at a
time now & get off my lazy butt & exercise then I wouldn't have to
do this. She is constantly telling me what I will be giving up & that
I will never be able to eat _____ (you fill in the blank) ever again. Yes
she also knows people who have done this & yes they have lost lots of
weight but they are very unhealthy now & wish they were large &
healthy again. She tells me of how I can no longer treat any cold or other
symptoms w/OTC meds due to the new stomach size, etc. She is not a large
person so I don't think she really understands what it feels like to be
overweight but I just answer all of her comments with, "Well, the
people you know must not have followed their surgeons instructions to be in
the mess they are in now & they must not have had aftercare w/blood
work either, that is what keeps ya healthy". I have to admit it is
hard to listen to her constant badgering so I keep my distance from her
& keep around positive people here. I lurk on the message board &
have gotten braver to post & answer some questions along the way too.
I am still pre-op right now but I won't let their comments discourage me
from doing what I feel in my heart is the right thing for me. I have the
support of my husband & I feel God is in this & you know what that
is all that matters to me. Best wishes on your journey.
— joyetta1
August 2, 2003
Hi Jennifer, I can tell you that all my friends and both my sisters are
totally supportive but my father is not at all. He thinks weight is all
about will power, discipline and caring enough. Our plan (all of us) is to
not tell him until the day I am in surgery. If my mother were still alive,
she would also be unhappy, she needed me to be fat because it deflected
from the poor decisions and lifestyle choices she herself had made. So
look hard to see how anyone in your family needs you to remain a scapegoat,
and then think of them with white light, then release them with understand,
and walk on, don't look back, go for it!!!
— Deborah M.
August 3, 2003
I didn't tell anyone in my family (other than hubby and the kids) about my
surgery pre-op. I just told relatives I was having some minor female
surgery. Post-op, when the weight started coming off, I explained about
the WLS. They were very unsupportive initiallly, and my mother remains
very jealous and difficult to deal with today (I'm -125 pounds and at goal
now).
Anyway, I was very glad I didn't tell them pre-op. Consider just not
discussing the surgery with them anymore, until it's all over. Some people
just can't accept the idea of surgical weight control. However, most of my
family have come around (post-op) since they've seen how happy and healthy
I am now. Good luck, and don't let them get you down. WLS is God's gift to
the MO.
— Kathy J.
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