Question:
How do I react to this person?

I had surgery in December 2002 and have lost 80 pounds. I had some MAJOR complications 6 weeks after the surgery and was on life support for 10 days. I got lots of letters, cards and notes from relatives and friends. My problem is that my sister in law whom I've been very close to in the past, did not call, write or anything. I have not heard from her since befor the surgery in December. I will see her in two weeks at a family wedding and don't know how to relate to her. I was very upset and even mad at first, but now I'm just sad about what seems to be a rejection.    — Jane S. (posted on July 17, 2003)

July 16, 2003
Jane, If I were you, I'd act perfectly normally around your sister-in-law. Don't bring up unpleasant things that might put a blight on the couple's wedding day. And, besides, don't lower yourself to her level. If she says something about your surgery, just smile and ignore her if it's negative. If it's positive, smile and thank her. Show her, and everyone else in shouting distance that you are a class act.
   — Patty_Butler

July 16, 2003
I second what Patty says. Kindness will eat her up in the inside and you will feel and know you are the better person. ~Sidney~ Open RNY 10-23-02 down 100+ and counting
   — Siddy I.

July 16, 2003
Smile a lot. Ask her how she and her family are doing. Ask what she's been up to. Tell her you've missed hearing from her. And enjoy the day. If she chooses to reject you for whatever reason, it's her choice and I doubt there's anything you can say or do to change that. All you can do is handle yourself with dignity in an uncomfortable situation. Best of Luck.
   — Pam S.

July 16, 2003
Consider that her response has nothing at all to do with you and everything to do with her own undeveloped social skills in the area. Perhaps she was terrified that something bad would/still could happen to you and she just couldn't bear the grief and that is why it is easier for her to pretend that nothing is going on...the other responses are perfect...greet her, be gentle and let her know you are fine...
   — merri B.

July 17, 2003
I would be sweet to her also. Sometimes when people are afraid they handle it by not dealing with it. I am sort of like that, then what happens is, it gets so long you feel like a fool and stay away even longer. People are different and you never know the reason. I say if you were close, she really cared so much she couldn't deal with it. Best of luck! glad you're doing well now!
   — ZZ S.

July 17, 2003
That is sad but there really are people who just don't know how to react to horrible situations or how to express themselves in the face of fear. I find that it is generally immaturity. I remember as a young woman never feeling like I had the right thing to say in a sad situation like a funeral. I have learned over the years that it is better to say something dopey than nothing at all but some people are debilitated by bad things. I am sure that you would like to patch up that relationship and maybe just be the bigger person and give her a chance to say something. She probably feels more and more like a jerk as time passes. You really could tell her that you were sad that she never called and see where it goes. Anger is a real conversation ender so try to give her a chance. It is worth it.
   — Carol S.

July 17, 2003
I understand what you are going through... I was ill for a long time (in the hospital for four 1/2 months, ICU in a coma, etc.) and a lot of friends and relatives did not visit or call (including three of my husband's four sisters); in fact there were few that did. It took a long time for me to realize that a lot of people simply do not know what to say. Also, I have to agree that you need to just turn the other cheek- especially on someone else's big day. The more love and compassion you have in your heart will heal these wounds quickly, and that love will spill onto other people; hopefully your sister-in-law will be one of them. Take care.
   — kultgirl