Question:
Finally convinced hubby to get surgery,but I need help comforting his fears
I finally convinced my husband to get surgery. He has medicare and qmb. He is 400+ pds and is 6'0" tall. The only draw back is that he is afraid of the surgery and now his family members are trying to turn him against it. We have 3 daughters ages 6 (twins) and a 2 yr old. I told him if not only health reasons do it for the kids. He constantly complains about not fitting in seats,not being able to walk ( like the zoo). How can I help calm his fears? Am I doing the right thing by supporting his surgery. Everyone tells him he could die,but without the surgery he could die too. Any help is appreciated! — Sonia R. (posted on October 26, 2002)
October 25, 2002
Are you both MO? You have decided on surgery and now want him to do it too?
But your pre op yourself? Relax I went thru the same thing. <P> Take
your spouse to support group meetings and take a post op to dinner. Hear
their stories. Get surgery yourself. Once YOU are doing well and feeling
good your spouse will see the miracle and get it done too! My surgeon says
that 99.9% of the time woman go first and men only fllow along later. I
broke that rule and had surgery first. Jen my wife was the slow one:) Some
things just take time. Besides its better to space the surgeries a bit so
one of you can help the other physically during recovery.
— bob-haller
October 25, 2002
Bob is so right. You can only lead by example. If you force him to have
the surgery and he doean't feel it was completely his decision, any
problems afterwards will be your fault. Just let him watch you go through
it and see your successes. It would be good if he went to all of your
pre-op stuff with you and definately all of your support groups. My spouse
and I did it at the same time, when he starts complaining I let him know it
was his choice, then he starts bragging about his accomplishment.
— faybay
October 25, 2002
I'm sure that you are convinceing him because of love and concern. WLS is
something that you want to get for yourself. He has to make that decision
on his own not because of your encouragement. WLS is NOT for everyone. If
he decides to do it then encourage him. Good Lux
— Robert L.
October 26, 2002
The decision to have WLS must be made individually. Even though you love
your husband and only want to improve his health and life, he must decide
this on his own. The power he has over himself are necessary to give him
the commitment he needs to make lifestyle changes possible. Making this
decision for him already puts him in the wrong mindset to make this surgery
work for him. It seems most people go into surgery with confidence in
their decision, determined to make this tool work for them. Your husband
can never have that if you decide this for him.
— thumpiez
October 26, 2002
My brother is 400+ pds, 47 yrs old and many co-morbids. His doc is really
encouraging him to have surgery to save his life. He refuses due to he had
a very bad, painful experience from bypass surgery. He says he will never,
ever go under the knife again. I've tried to explain this is lap and not a
bypass type deal, but he is dead set against it. I've backed off, and will
just make sure he knows the good and the bad of my journey. I hope that if
he sees little sister make a success of this, that he will then feel better
about it. I have been married 18 yrs, and it took me 10 yrs to really
learn in my heart that I cannot make a man do something he doesn't want to
do. I have tried pleading, blackmail, ultimatums, treachery, deception,
putting the fear of God into him, sicking his mother on him. It never
worked out for me. So I may not agree with the bozo guys in my life, but I
just stand by them and love them. Sometimes backing off and letting them
think it's their decision really works. Just you can't do it in a way
where you are trying to manipulate someone. Good luck to both of you.
— Susan F.
October 26, 2002
It is strictly your husbands decision and it is too bad outside influences
are giving him doubts. Much of this is do ignorance regarding WLS. I
myself was guilty of this before I started doing major research. There is
a wealth of information available on the internet, particularly on this
site. Find a WLS support group in your area and go to it. I don't know of
too many people who are not afraid of surgery. The important thing is for
your husband to be confident in his decision and the way to do this is to
gather as much information as he can. That way, when he meets with
negativity he will be able to thank them for their concern (after all, they
are concerned about him) and explain he has done much research on this and
has decided the benefits of the surgery outweigh the risks of remaining
morbidly obese. Best of Luck to you and your husband.
— Pat B.
October 26, 2002
Hi,
Tell him to read my posts...I was a bag of cats prior to surgery(open RNY)I
had convinced myself I was going to die on the table and if I lived I would
surely die of complications and while I was waiting for the complications
to arise I would be in unbearable pain....so, I didn't die, leastwise I
don't think I'm dead. I didn't have any complications, I was released from
the hospital after only 4 days. I had a little pain, but limited to when I
got out of bed. I was out of bed and walking the very next day. I had them
stop the pain meds after the 3rd day. I'm 10 days past surgery, lost 21
pounds as of yesterday, and I have virtually no pain just pressure! Honest
get the surgery it's not bad at all.
Steve
— Steve P.
October 26, 2002
I read your post and it was on my mind, so I will answer it. It seems that
so many more patients for WLS are female, so the fears of us guys may not
be realized as much. I, too was very scared, to the minute when they walked
me into the operating room at Hackensack University Medical Center. I
always knew I had to go through with the surgery and on October 8th, I did.
The procedure lasted 1 hour and 5 minutes and was laparoscopic. It was the
best decision I ever made.
Yes it hurt for awhile after and they do give you pain medicine, I was
discharged after two days and went back to work a week later. I would have
been back to work a day earlier, but it was Columbus Day. Please tell your
husband that it is a very important decision, but I can see the difference
already. I was 325 on Oct. 8th and am about 302 today. I will know the
exact loss on Nov 7th at the surgeon's office. But I can tell you that I
did lose 13 lbs in the first 9 days. I went through the liquids and soft
foods phase and am now eating soft foods and trying others like chicken,
cheese, fish etc. If your husband wishes to email me, I would be pleased to
offer any comments that may be of help to him. Email address is Dakingfish
@aol.com. Good luck!!!
— Steve B.
October 26, 2002
Hi. I read your post several times before responding, making sure I totally
understood it. First I want to say that though I completely understand your
concerns for your husbands health, I am wondering if he is only going
through with surgery because you have "pushed" him. The reason I
am saying that is because HE needs to make sure he is ready for this
gigantic life change. My brother is/was in a similar situation. He was very
adement about my having surgery telling me he was scared for me, etc. But
when I went through with it so well and the pounds began to drop off, the
next thing I knew, I was getting a call from my sis-in-law asking about
this website. Apparently, he had decided to go through with it as well!!
Imagine my excitement for him! Well, over the past couple of weeks, I have
wondered if he was really ready for this. I know his wife wants him to do
this, but was he in the right state of mind for it? I wanted him to be as
excited as I was, but it seemed like more dread than anythnig. Now after
talking in dept with me about my surgery, he seems to be acting somewhat
anxious about it now. My suggestion to you is to ask your husband to get on
here at AMOS. This place has been my lifeline since 6 months prior to my
surgery. Anything you could want to know is here. All you have to do is
ask. I would definitely find a support group in your area and start going
NOW. I would ask the director beforehand if there are males in the group
because it would probably do him a lot of good. As for his family, unless
you can take them aside and talk with them openly, then there isn't much
you can do about that. The liklihood of your husband passing away due to
surgery is incredibly slim (under 2%), but on the reverse side, at 400
pounds, he is in for some major health problems. Those babies need their
daddy. I hope he goes through with his surgery, but I hope he has all of
his questions answered first and his fears have turned to anticipation.
Best of luck to you both!.......Karen (lap RNY 9/20/02- down 51 pounds)
— karmiausnic
October 26, 2002
Sonia,
I want to first point out that the surgery is very successful for men. I
had the surgery on Oct. 4th 2002 and have lost 32lbs to date. With no
complications. As far as the risk factor, it is the same for any surgery.
The percentages of death are the same as any major surgery. Complications
may occur but the doctors today do everything possible to prevent any
complications. I had an EKG, stress test, pulminary test, upper and lower
GI, and blood work to measure my oxygen levels. I had a brief period of
fear as the surgery date creaped closer, but I thought of simple things. I
used a handicap sticker to avoid walking the length of the parking lot at
work. I took the elevator and my workspace is on the 2nd floor. On the
occasions I did walk the steps by the time I got to my cubicle I was
sweating and needed time to catch my breath before I could talk. I thought
of the times when there was a downpour of rain outside and I wanted to run
to my car to avoid getting to wet. Unfortunately, I have not been able to
run for years. So I got wet. On Friday it was raining. It was the fat cold
rain everyone hates. I knew I was going to get wet if I didnt run to the
car, so I tried it. I actually ran to my car. It was only about 50 yards
away. But I went for it. when I got to the car I sat in the car and waited
to catch my breath. Only to realize I wasn't winded. I ran to my car and
was fine. I was breathing normally. That is with just a 32lb weight loss. I
have had no complications with open RNY surgery. It has been a dream how
successful it was. I knew I would be dead before I was 40 if something
didnt change. I had congesstive heart failure last year at 32 years old.
I was scared of the surgery after being excited. But when I put things in
perspective, I realized, this is going to give me life. Not just change it.
I also had tremendous support from my family and friends. They were
devistated when I was in the hospital with CHF. I almost died. I watched my
freinds and family come to see me in the hospital with big smiles and heard
them crying in the hallway after. I may not have been able to do this
without their support. Keep giving him support and I hope he does this for
you, I hope he does this for your children, but most of all, I hope he does
this for himself. Good Luck.
Michael
— stroman69
Click Here to Return