Question:
Feeling Guilty about having the surgery
I am feeling somewhat guilty and worried about having the wls surgery. Although I have tried and tried and tried many things to lose weight, now that I have finally completed everything needed prior to surgery and I have a tentative date, July 8, 2002 (pending insurance approval), I am feeling a little guilty. I have become so use to this weight that I don't know if I will like myself at a different size. Also, my 11 yrs old son is overweight and I am truly scared for him. I feel like I am taking some sort of short-cut (although I understand the surgery is not in anyway a short-cut) and leaving my son behind. On one hand I feel as if I have to stay overweight with my son or until he has lost weight but then on the other hand, my weight is starting to bother my health. I almost feel as if I am not a good parent. Does anyone have any suggestions on how to help me help my son lose weight without making help despise him self about being overweight. — t P. (posted on May 31, 2002)
May 31, 2002
Tanshel, First of all, Your son needs you.. and if your obesity is
bothering your health, he doesn't get as much of you as he could and that's
not fair either right :) (don't mind me it was my justification to myself
for having surgery) You can find as you change your eatting habbits, your
child should follow, if you cook healthy, he should eat healthy... If you
go out for a walk, ask him to come along, you'll be surprised how much he's
interested in your change - you won't go from being sedentary to a power
walker over night, so he'll have time to change with you... When I became
more active, so did my children, and now they eat better because I'm
cooking at home more to keep from having to deal with the greese and fat
from the fast food restaraunts... they tend to reach for the fruits and
vegtables now instead of potatoe chips, because that's what mom does...
Good luck to you :)
— Elizabeth D.
May 31, 2002
I was reading your question and thought that after you have the surgery and
change your eating habits that this would be good for both of you. Out
with the junk food, up with the exercise and then maybe he will also loose
some weight and become more active. Try to make him your walking buddy.
Tell him you need for him to help you when you walk to make sure you walk
long enough. Just a thought.
— paulsgirl
May 31, 2002
Tanshel, I can relate to what you are feeling. I have a ten
year old daughter who is overweight, and she has become very
body-conscious over the past year. I am awaiting approval
from my insurance (should have been submitted this week by
the doctor). I truly believe that when I have surgery, I will
be much more active, which will make my daughter more active,
and help her to lose weight too. It's is so much easier for
kids to lose weight because they are always on the go, but
they need positive role models. My husband's biggest concern
about me having the surgery is how our daughter is going to
feel when Mom loses weight, but I have talked with both of
them, and we all feel like this is the best thing for our
family. I know I am a good parent, and you are too. Just
think of surgery as new hope for both you and your son.
Good luck to you. Ginger
— Ginger N.
May 31, 2002
Tanshel: You should not feel guilty about doing something that will, in
the long run, benefit your son, too. You are ensuring that you will be
around to see him become a man. If you are healthy and vigorous, you can
instill those same thoughts in him. Make sure that you both eat healthily
and get exercise. He is young enough that he can begin to reverse the
process. God Bless.
— ZaZa F.
May 31, 2002
Since you are the parent, you control the source of your child's food. My
personal opinion is that, if you don't keep junk food and bad stuff around
the house, your son's only option will be to eat healthier things like
chicken, vegees, fruits, etc. True, you can't control what he puts in his
mouth at school, etc., but you can control his options for breakfast and
dinner. My mother always tried to put me on diets when I was growing up as
a fat kid. I dieted myself all the way up to 407 lbs. before having WLS.
I wish my mom had just stopped buying junk food and keeping it accessible
anytime at home. I doubt I ever would have had as many problems with food
as I have.
— Terissa R.
May 31, 2002
Tanshel...I am in the same position you are in and for awhile I too was
blaming myself for my daughter(13yrs, 240lbs) being overweight. A dear
friend of mine and I were discussing it and she made me realize that it is
not my fault...IT'S GENETICS. I prepare nutritios meals and school lunches
for my children and 2 out of 3 of my children are overweight. I am so
afraid for my daughter too and worry about her feelings through my upcoming
weightloss(waiting for insurance approval). But you need to realize one
thing....because you are going ahead with this surgery statistics say you
will live aprox. 10yrs longer due to improved health. Please don't take
those years away from your child....have this surgery and spend an extra 10
YEARS with your child. Help him with his weight loss. Possibly his eating
habits will change when yours do.....It is a learned process....TEACH HIM!
— DRutherford
May 31, 2002
I had the RNY surgery almost 3 years ago and have lost over 200 pounds.
Having the surgery is NOT the "easy way out". You will have to
eat healthier foods for the rest of your life. I have 3 children. My two
older girls are young adults and a little overweight and so is my husband,
my 9 yr. old son is not. After the surgery, I had a cabinet of food for
them, and one for me, then I got real and have mostly my foods....:) they
still eat some of their junk food, but have found that they like the lower
fat and sugar foods just as well, and lots of them better! I showed them
how to read the labels "to help me out", and they now understand
the differences. Once you've had the surgery, you will be reading the
labels a lot more, and let me tell you, you will be AMAZED at the fat and
sugar contents of the foods society generally eats! I was so blessed this
year when my 3rd grade sons teachers told us at a parent-teacher conference
how amazed they were at the grasp that our son had of the nutritional
contents of foods when they studied the food groups! They said they had to
tell him to keep his hand down and give the other kids a chance! This
doesn't guarantee that he'll stay thin, but it gives him a tool. Since I
have so much more energy, we do a lot more active family activities. Guilt
does nothing but make you feel bad about yourself. You've made a concious
decision to help yourself out of this spiral that we've all been in! You
will be helping your family in many ways..living a longer and healthier
lifestyle, and giving a wonderful example of taking charge of your life.
Since you've had to battle a weight problem, you can understand where your
child is and give him a better support system than many of us had. Accept
him and love him the way that you want to be loved, and teach him. That's
all you can do...he will make his own choices. Congratulations on your
decision...and good luck. **grin**!! You'll enjoy being thin, and all the
wonderful health benefits that go with it.
— tammy R.
May 31, 2002
I believe that there is nothing more powerful to our children than the
example that we set. Good eating behaviors and healthier food choices in
the house will have a positive effect. BUT, the even bigger impact on your
son will come from what he sees you doing for yourself -- making a
courageous decision to take control of your health and your life. Having
weight loss surgery can be a beautiful act of self-love. The changes you
will see in your son as he witnesses your metamorphosis will astound you.
Simply by doing what you're doing, he will see with his own eyes how much
you love and respect yourself. Just watch how this affects how he feels
about himself! As far as your question on helping your son to lose
weight... take care of your body and its needs, and your example will be
enough.
— Joya K.
May 31, 2002
First of all, I think it is a wonderful step you are taking to better your
health. In my opinion it is not a step that should be detrimental to your
son's wellbeing or self esteem. Perhaps you could try discussing with him
why you are doing this, the health risks associated with being overweight
and the fact that you are trying to become healthier to enjoy helping him
growing up. Explain to him that losing weight is not easy, no matter which
method you use (or what the makers of the Hollywood Celebrity Diet say!)
and that you love him unconditionally, no matter whether he loses weight or
not. You might gently suggest to him that for the sake of his health he
needs to lose weight, but do so in a way that is not condescending to him
or some type of insult. I was an overweight child from the age of 4 or 5,
and let me tell you, there is nothing more fragile than a child's
self-esteem. But with words of encouragement, so many great things can
happen! By changing your lifestyle, eating and exercise habits, you will
teach your son by example. Obviously you cannot expect him to eat the same
tiny portions you do to feel full, but the fact that it will be healthy
food will make a big difference. Since you will be more actively
exercising, you will be teaching your son that exercise might be work, but
it can be fun. Take him on walks with you, play Frisbee in the park, use
it as time to bond and become closer. You are doing a wonderful thing for
your life, and you should not feel guilty about desiring to be thinner and
healthier, even if it does involve surgery. It is NOT the easy way out.
— Rachel H.
May 31, 2002
GUILT is something that comes along with being a parent. For instance, you
can buy for your kids and husband but as soon as you buy something for
yourself, there is that GUILTY feeling, am I right? I've gone thru that
for years. Well, I had this surgery for my daughter. So I could be there
for her. I also had this surgery for MYSELF. You owe this to yourself.
AND as you re-learn new eating habits, you are also going to be
re-educating your son. In fact, you're catching it just in time. You will
re-stock your fridge, your cabinets, your son will learn the correct way to
eat. Consider it an education, a learning experience for him. Enjoy your
journey. Drop the guilt. My daughter has become a health nut. I feel I
did her a justice by having this surgery. Soda pop no longer exists in our
world. SHE has dropped 25 lbs. since January just by dropping the soda!
It's all gonna be fine. Best wishes to you.
— Annie H.
May 31, 2002
Complications from MO are life threating!! If you pass away your son will
not have a mother. I think it would be better if you are here to guide and
love him. Love will show him his self worth.
— Robert L.
June 1, 2002
I know EXACTLY how you feel. My 13 year old is overweight and I have laid
in bed at night fretting over this issue and hoping that he did not feel I
was "leaving him behind". Then it dawned on me yesterday- When I
am eating healthier, everyone in my household will be as well. in our case,
I am the grocery shopper so I am the one deciding what we will be eating.
My husband and 3 year old are both at "normal" weights- it's just
my oldest son and I that stand out.
I know for a fact that when you are eating healthier, those around you tend
to lose weight as well. A few years back I had lost 80lbs. just by watching
fat grams and my son (not aware that I was making the meals much lower in
fat) had lost 30lbs. himself!
We mamas worry so much about our children and we know the pain that goes
with obesity. But I assure you that if you change your eating habits, he
will follow suit, especially if you are the one buying and preparing the
meals. An excercise program is key as well. I am getting my son involved in
karate, so I hope it helps him.
Anyways, GOOD LUCK TO YOU!! Think of yourself too, Sweetie. You're the only
mom he has and you need to be there for him as long as possible! It'll be
alright- have faith!
— karmiausnic
June 1, 2002
I am going to give you the other side rather than the pep talk that
everyone else gives. (so what is new to those who know me right?)LOL.
Yes, my both daughters are resentful that mom is a size 3 when they are
size 14 and 16. I"m sorry but that's the honest truth. They are
constantly telling me I am too thin and I know it bothers them that mom is
thinner than them. They also know, that I didn't take the easy way out. I
have been sick for years from this and they see that too. Neither one of
them would ever consider having WLS and to me and only me, that's a Godsend
in itself if I saved them from doing this. I know that this is not a
popular post folks so please don't flame me. It's only my opinion and
that's it. This woman got many positve responses and i just wanted to give
the other side. Hugs
— Barbara H.
June 2, 2002
Barbara. Thanks for your honesty. I respect your feelings, though I am
proud my daughter has had the surery.
— faybay
June 2, 2002
Just remember what they tell you on the airplane. "If you are
traveling with a child or someone who needs assistance, put on your OWN
oxygen mask first and THEN assist those who need help."
— Amber L.
June 4, 2002
I would not feel guilty that you have found a solution to your health
problems. Perhaps you changing your eating habits and lifestyle will have a
positive impact on your son, who's obvious genetics are working against
him, like you, I and many others who have had WLS. And perhaps when your
son is old enough, you can be supportive if he elects to have surgery then.
I know the previous poster Barbara Henson discourages you from WLS because
of the numerous malabsorbtion health problems she had, but in looking at
her profile, she had BP-DS, not an RNY, which tends to have a lot more
malabsorbtion problems. RNY is the gold standard for a reason, and although
many do get DS with success, but you have to go with what is right for you.
— Dell H.
Click Here to Return