Question:
Am I being stupid like my friend said I am?
My best friend thinks I am being stupid for even thinking about WLS. She has never had a weight problem so she has no idea what is like to be 128#'s overwight. She thinks diet and exersice is the ONLY thing I need, like I never tried that before. Now she has become down right nasty about it. She even has other people from work track me down just to tell me I'm doing the wrong thing. People I normally dont talk to!!! Help! What should I do? Dump her as a friend? I really need someone to talk to, now more than ever, and I feel lost if I cant talk to my friend. Thanks for listening. — Siddy I. (posted on May 10, 2002)
May 10, 2002
you are not stupid... try to educate her about the surgery... explain to
her that having 128 lbs over your normal weight is a desease call morbid
obesity ! and that the cure to that is not a good diet and exercice but a
surgery !
— carou1313
May 10, 2002
Sidney - Don't dump her as a friend, but DO set boundaries for a respectful
relationship. I have learned the hard way, after too many years of being a
doormat, to demand respect from people in my life. By demanding I don't
mean being witchy or pushy. Just explain to your friend that this is your
body, your decision and you appreciate her support. If she feels so
strongly that she cannot support you, then tell her as a friend the least
you would expect from her is that she not share her negative feelings with
others. Explain to her that it only creates a barrier between the two of
you. I credit one very dear friend with teaching me the value of
unconditional love with respect. Even when our opinions differ. If your
friend cannot live up to this type of relationship, perhaps you should
consider meeting new people. As I told my ex-husband, I'd rather be alone
than be with someone so negative and who bases his "love" on his
narrow-minded conditions. Good luck to you. God Bless - Anna
— Anna L.
May 10, 2002
My boss was treating me much like your friend is treating you. At first I
just tried to avoid the subject with her but she kept asking me if I was
still wanting the surgery. I gave her all kinds of info and literature on
the procedure and how & why it works. She absolutely refused to even
read the literature and when I tried to talk to her she basically turned a
deaf ear. So I figured if she is not going to even let me explain things
to her then she really isn't worth the time I was spending being concerned
about what she thought. So now I have told her that I decided not to go
through with it. I am having my tubes tied at the same time as surgery so
I told her I was having a tubal ligation and a fibroid cyst removed from my
ovaries and that is why I will be out of work for a while. Some people are
just plain inconsiderate and think that their opinion is always the right
one. If your friend and my boss would walk a mile in our shoes they might
feel differently. You need to do what your heart is telling you to do.
You are NOT by any means stupid!!! There are over 79,000 members here that
agree. So 79,000 to one....I guess your opinion wins!!!LOL Please feel
free to email me anytime. I'll give you lots of support. Friends may not
always agree with you but a true friend wouldn't be so demeaning as the
person you describing. Best wishes!!
— Karen W.
May 10, 2002
Sidney I weighed 220 pounds more than more normal weight and I still had
people tell me that I didn't need WLS. They would alwsys tell me to just
cut back and exercise. I compare that advice to telling a smoker to stop
buying those cigarretts, find something else to do with your money. Yes
it's true that some people have the will power to stop habits without
assistance, but the majority of us don't. Your friend loves you, and keep
her for that reason. True friends can disagree, yet remain friends. You
will need her later on and she will tell you at a later date that WLS was
the best decision you've ever made. Good Luck and may God bless You!!
— Tammy W.
May 10, 2002
It sounds like she's the jealous type. She's probably been the type of
friend who gets ALL the attention when you guys go out. Now she may feel
that you'll be competition for her once you lose the weight. I think I'd
tell her that you've thought long and hard about this decision and if she
doesn't agree with it, then she needs to keep her opinions to herself. I'd
also tell her that if she doesn't keep her opinions to herself, you'll have
no choice but to discontinue the friendship. She needs to understand that
she haas never walked a step in your shoes and she shouldn't be passing
judgement on what you decide to do. She should be supporting you if she
really is your friend rather then tearing you down. In the mean time, I
think I'd be trying to get some other friends. It doesn't sound like she
was much of a friend to begin with if she's telling your business to people
you barely know. Good luck.
— Patty H.
May 10, 2002
I definitely think you need to set some boundaries. I had a similar issue
with my sister. I finally just asked her to keep her negative feelings
about it to herself and that I needed her to support me regardless of
whether or not she thought it was right. In setting the boundaries, I also
made it clear to my family that if I was constantly berated with their
opinions on it, I would simply, not talk to them about it anymore. As
surgery got closer, she had lots of questions, her deaf ear was gone, and
she accepted that I was doing it (with or without her). Now, 5 months
later, she's having the surgery in a month. I couldn't even get her to
read about that stuff before. I know your friend doesn't need surgery, but
I think if you lay out the boundaries and force her to accept them, either
you'll be better off without her, or your friendship will be healthier.
Either way, you are about to embark on a scary, wonderful journey and I
hope she wants to be with you. And, you will encounter others who think it
is all just a willpower diet harder issue, and this approach of "take
it or leave it" works well for that too. Good luck. Meredith
— Meredith P.
May 10, 2002
Sidney - You are not stupid! Good for you for taking some control and
doing something about your life. I have found that taking control is
empowering. Try to sit your friend down and tell her that you no longer
want to be over-weight. That you have done all of the research and as an
adult you have come to the decision that this is the action you want to
take. Sometimes our friends are scared by how different thing will become.
They know that our relationships will take on different dimensions once we
are no longer hindered by our weight. If she is a true friend she will
understand and support you! By the way, my best friend and her husband
told they didn't think I needed the surgery but would support me 100%.
They never saw me as a fat person. At 5'2" and 278 lbs, I just wasn't
fat I was morbidly obese!!!! Stand up for yourself and don't let people
scare you!
— Renee C.
May 10, 2002
Sidney.......Stupid is a word that shouldn't be associated with your
name......rather that title goes to your friend. She gets that award for
disclosing personal information that you shared with her. Next, you're
going to have to learn that people can always tell you what you
"need" to do, I mean in any and every situation, not just the
WLS, people have an opinion. However, you must learn, that's what it
is......"theirs"! You're going to have to research, pray, and
decide what's better for you. I've dieted and exercised for over 10
years......nothing!
Also, a point that I make to people that don't agree with me about the
surgery is it takes more discipline, exercise, and control to lose weight
this surgery. Because the surgery is only a tool, you have some major work
to do for it to help you accomplish your goal. I'm having surgery in 4
days. Read my profile and let's stay in touch, regardless of
"your" decision.
May God Bless and Guide You
Smooches
Robin
— msbigbaybe
May 10, 2002
While I agree with most everyone's reply here, I felt the need to add my
own. Being over-weight most of my life, I've learned that some (Not all by
any means) thin people are attracted to heavier people simply because it
makes them feel good to be around someone who is in <b> need
</b> of a friend. Then you mess everything up by becoming thin.
This will change the entire dynamics of your relationship. If she is a
fowl-weather-friend and only in it for how you lift her up, then you're
better off without her. However, with time, she may come around and show
she is a true friend. I'm sorry you're hurting though!
— [Deactivated Member]
May 10, 2002
SIDNEY I AM SO SO SORRY T HEAR THAT SOMEONE COULD BE SO MEAN AND
INSENSITIVE IN SUCH AN IMPORTANT TIME IN YOUR LIFE. I SEE THAT YOU REFER
TO THIS PERSON AS YOUR BEST FRIEND. MAYBE YOU NEED TO REEVALUATE THE LEVEL
OF YOUR FRIENDSHIP. I TAKE FRIENDSHIP VERY SERIOUSLY AND DON'T GIVE IT
AWAY FREELY, BUT WHEN I DO , I AM THERE FOR ALL THAT THE RELATIONSHIP
ENTAILS. FOR THIS PERSON TO BE SO MEAN SPIRITED, IT SEEMS AS IF SHE MAY
NOT BE AS TRUE A FRIEND AS YOU THINK. KEEP YOUR CHIN UP AND WHEN ALL ELSE
FAILS DO REMEMBER THAT YOUR FAMILY HERE AT AMOS IS LOVING AND DOES NOT TEND
TO JUDGE. IF SHE IS THIS BITCHY NOW WHATS IT GOING TO BE LIKE WHEN YOU ARE
THIS SVELTE BEAUTY.....I BET SHE WILL HAVE SOMETHING ELSE NEGATIVE TO SAY.
GOOD LUCK.
— donna R.
May 10, 2002
That is one of the main reasons I have been very reticent about telling
anyone about my surgery. I have only told about 10 people total. The
people I eat lunch with every day don't even know. I just tell them I'm
trying to diet and since the majority are skinny and eat about 2 oz
themselves every day, they have been pretty ok with that statement. When I
was out for surgery, I told them I had my gallbladder out which wasn't a
lie. I just did not want to hear everyone telling me their hospital horror
stories or telling me that it was an easy way out or that I was stupid. I
am so sorry that your best friend is doing this to you. Luckily, I have
had good support from everyone that I have told. I would not dump her just
yet. Maybe she truly is concerned and scared for you to have this surgery.
Only time will tell. Try to get her to come to this website and read the
stories from all these wonderful people about how happy they are with the
surgery and the results. Maybe she will feel better about you having it
then. Good luck and let us know how it turns out. Just remember that you
will always have friends who understand your decision here.
— Tparker
May 10, 2002
Hun she is NOT a friend if she's putting her thoughts above Yours !! My hub
isn't all too happy that I want to get this done ( on May 15th) But he's
behind me 110% !! He's see me try the diets and all that other shit that
doesn't work once you're too dam big to benifit from it !!
I' 5' 3" and 282, no matter what I've tried I just get bigger, I feel
like the incrdible gaining woman !! He's seen me through most of this and
he knows that I have tried, but his thing is " you shouldn't need to
have surgery" shakes my head. (I actually think that he's afraid that
this won't work for me either ) but like I said, he's behind me 110% so
it's ok..
Do what YOU feel you need to do FOR YOU !! Don't let anyone stop you Hun !!
You have to be happy with you, cause when you're alone who are you with ?
YOU !! :o)
— Emily T.
May 10, 2002
I agree with the post that said to try to educate her. However, if she
continues her behavior after your sincere attempts, I would take a long
evaluation of your relationship with her. If this is a one-time
criciticism of you, maybe you can work it out. Maybe she is scared you
will become "competition". Believe me, I've been the "safe
fat friend" of many beauty queens. If she's always been this way
toward you, your changes after weight loss won't effect her personal
changes. It may be time to find a new best friend. That's normal, too.
I've lost a few friends since my weight loss surgery, but I have finally
gotten the right people in my life. Good luck to you.
— [Deactivated Member]
May 10, 2002
I wonder if she isn't worried you will be smaller than her. A
"friend" is supportive and understanding. Remember, this person
is NOT an expert, so she can't possible tell you that your being stupid.
Don't let uneducated (on wls) people sway you in your decisions. If I would
of listened to the negative people, I would still be 275, depressed,
unhealthy and unhappy. Good Luck!
— ZZ S.
May 10, 2002
I had a co-worker in my office at work who had a bad experience with a wls
of the '70's, her then-husband's cousin died from a massive leak/infection.
When I first said I was going for the wls I knew that she was going to
spend the next few months driving me crazy. It was entirely out of concern
and fear for my well-being. And it made sense to me, her only contact with
wls was a tragic one. Today, I am six months post op and she is one of my
biggest fans and supporters. She cheers me on every pound that goes away
forever. Your friend is afraid for you. I wouldn't dump her as a friend,
just gently explain that you have researched this and are doing it for your
health. Tell her to be your true friend and stand by you, regardless of
your decision...that you know the risks, but you have confidence that you
will be fine...then tell her about all the clothes shopping the two of you
will do when you have lost all your weight. Good luck and take care.
— Mustang
May 10, 2002
I have heard of people doing the "bag of Dog food" trick with
friends or relatives that are against WLS. Take them to a grocery store,
have them pick up a 20 or 40 lb bag of dog food and carry it down the
aisle. Then tell them that you carry the equivelant of 6 bags (or whatever
the number calculates out) of extra weight around everywhere you go. Most
people are flab-ergasted (pun intended) by this and may change their
attitude. If not, then they are probably not worth trying to convince
otherwise. Good Luck.
— Dell H.
May 13, 2002
Sounds like you have the same luck in friends that I always had. I don't
have to many friends anymore as it just is'nt worth it. (I only have a few
now but they are good ones!).
It is up to you of course, but I would'nt bother trying to educate or
change anyone. Life is to short to put up with friends (?) like that. I
would'nt be mean, but just state your feelings in the nicest way you can.
If it does'nt do it, then move on. Don't bother with that person anymore.
No need for making an enemy. But you deserve better. Don't settle for less.
;)
— Danmark
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