Question:
My eight yr old grandson is really starting to gain weight and I am worried.

I have given this some thought and have come up with no answers. Can anyone give me some insight? I don't want him to suffer like I did as a child and I am seeing it happen to him. I love him so much! My daughter (thin) doesn't understand that fussing at him will NOT help. He just looks hurt when she tells him he can't have his Easter candy, etc. Anybody have any ideas? He is pretty sedentary with video games and tv. Won't eat nutritious foods just likes Happy Meals, hotdogs, etc. His little sister is thin and his mom is always comparing the two. I should know how to help but for the life of me, I don't know the answer. Thanks for any advice!    — Marilyn C. (posted on April 1, 2002)


April 1, 2002
sounds like the mother is an enabler....He is pretty sedentary with video games and tv. Won't eat nutritious foods just likes Happy Meals, hotdogs, etc..." she needs to lay down the law, get him outside to exercise and stop feeding the child garbage .....and with respect to Easter Candy....he probably shouldn't have it if he has a weight problem already.....it breaks my heart to see a chubby kid being fed french fries and anything deep fried....sometimes parents need to be parents and regulate a childs food intake.....they may not like it now, but they will be thankful later
   — Jeff B.

April 1, 2002
My answer here may not be popular but I need to voice my opinion. I feel very strongly about parental responsibility and obesity in children. At 8 years old, there is plenty that your daughter can do to ensure that he is eating healthy nutritious meals. First of all, steer clear of McDonalds. Secondly, there are healthy hot dogs on the market that she can purchase. (Hebrew National sells a 50 calorie, 1.5g fat hot dog.) There are plenty of meals that she can make for him to enjoy. Fortunately, we live in a time where the focus is on healthy eating. There are many, many things you can buy that are reduced fat, sugars, calories, etc. I make some awesome meals that are nutritous and delicious. (Quesadillas, chili, eggplant parm, hamburgers, etc) She should attempt to make some fun healthy foods. If he doesnt enjoy the meal, then maybe he won't eat it. Eventually he will be hungry enough that he'll eat something. He won't die if he misses dinner!! At 8 years old, the parent has most of the control. In the easter baskets, limit the amout of candy that you put in. I only put a package of peeps in my neice's basket. Children should not be denied candy. However if they don't have portion control, you must control their portions. At 8, thats doable. About a year ago, (I was post op) I saw something that was extremely disturbing to me. I saw this family of four; mom, dad, daughter and son. The kids were probably 7 and 9. Anyhow, they were walking along with big ice cream cones in their hands. Each one of them was probably double their ideal body weight. If you are an obese adult and know all the suffering that comes with it, why on earth would you inflict that upon your children??? Now don't think that I am being extremely militant here. It wasn't like it was a carnival or something. I think it was in the mall; certainly not a special occassion where everyone was running around with ice cream. Personally, as an adult that grew up obese, (235 pounds at 13 years old), I believe that any parent that allows their child to grow to twice their normal body weight is an abusive/neglectful parent. (Please negate any child that has serious metabolic dysfunction that would cause the obesity). I am talking about parents of 3-6 year olds that are constantly allowing that child to consume high fat fast food and washing it down with ice cream and chips on a daily or almost daily basis. Parents who give in to the child's demands for these foods because they don't want to argue with the kid or because they are worried that he will miss dinner because he won't eat the healthy food you offered originally, are, in my opinion abusive/neglectful. Authorities should intervene and demand that the parent take nutrition classes. If we were feeding alcohol or tobacco to our 10 year olds, they'd remove the kids from the home. But if an 8 year old weighs 200 pounds, everyone looks the other way. A child that young can be controlled to a certain degree. Their choices are pretty much limited to what you give them. So give them the right things. I am sorry if this offends anyone, but I did suffer the consequences of this neglect and wish that no child ever did.
   — Jeannet

April 1, 2002
I, too, have a child that is heavier than he should be. He is not extremely overweight, but I worry about him constantly. I see a lot of the same traits in him that I see in myself, and I KNOW how that turned out! I remember my parents always picking at what I ate, how much I ate, etc. So I started to hide food. I don't think nagging them about what they eat is the answer. I do think part of it is to limit the junk coming into the house and try to give them as good an example as possible. I have been very open with my kids about my surgery and they have seen the aftermath of it as well. They know that if I eat one bite too many, I will have to run to the bathroom. I don't want them to have to go through this as well. I may be embarrassed to have them see my "blubber" as my 5 year old calls it jiggle around when I am trying to exercise, but at least they are seeing me try! If you come up with anything to help your grandson, I would love to know about it! Thanks, and good luck, Robin
   — robinkc

April 1, 2002
Sounds like in addition to genetic predisposition there is a limit-setting issue there. If the mother is concerned, she'll have to set limits on the amount of time he spends in front of the tube. WON'T eat nutritious foods??? I am the first to admit that I take my 3 year old to McDonald's BUT I also make sure that she gets plenty of variety in her diet. We eat all kinds of stuff--some healthy, some less healthy--but the variety is the key. Surely there are healthy things he would eat. As for junk, if you don't buy it, they can't eat it (at least not in front of you ;). I do buy cookies, etc. but I emphasize to my daughter that we have to fill our bodies with good food FIRST and then IF SHE IS STILL HUNGRY we have dessert--a reasonable amount for her age--and if she is STILL hungry then she has to go back to healthy stuff like fruit or cheese. Her responsibility in eating is to fuel her body--not to entertain herself. Denying a kid candy won't help because it just makes them want it more. Portion control is a more humane approach along with replacing food rewards/gifts/etc. with non-food treats (cheap toys, baseball cards, trip to the zoo, etc). The bottom line is that the parents bear the responsibility at that age--if you aren't living with him you are not likely to have much influence. But I sure understand the concern because at his age soon even the parental influence will take a major back seat to his friends.
   — ctyst

April 1, 2002
All the other posters have had good comments on the food control issue. I will suggest that you try to eliminate his sedentaryness. If you live nearby, can you offer to pay for karate lessons, diving classes or something. Maybe offer to take and pick him up or even something you could do together. Martial arts can be very good for self esteem and dicipline. Best wishes.
   — M. A. B.

April 1, 2002
I too was raised this way, and with siblings and parents thin, but look what it has done to me!!! I have learned so much about myself and about obesity since I have become a memeber here..God if I could just turn back time!! First of all, shame on your daughter for comaparing the two siblings!!!! shame on her!! we all know how it feels to be compared and made to feel as though we are outsiders!!! I know the story all to well, as I too was treated the same way, and you know what??? I went into my shell and hid my food and ate and ate and ate...this was my true friend that always new how to make me feel good...so making him feel bad is not the answer!!! let me ask you this, does high cholesterol, or diabetes, or cancer, ect.. have a prefrence of who it attacks?? NOPE!!! it doesnt matter how thin or chubby you are it will hit us all if we dont take care of ourselves!! so your daughter should be changing all of her childrens eating habbits!!! not just the chubby one, he should not feel left out and different!! and everyone of them should be exercising...yes a good movie or Play Station is such a good babysiter, but is it the best thing for them??? NOT!!! your daughter needs to be out there with them exercising and playing, enjoying what god has given us, and she should not be feeding any of her children high fat foods!!! take the time out, because you love your children and fix it right!!! also by fruits and fresh veigies ect for them to snack on if their hungry, not junk food, for any of them!!! every now and then you can treat them to a ice cream ect..but not everyday in your home, and dont by sodas or high sugar juices, water is good for the soul, and if they get thirsty enough they will drink it...Please take this advice!!! I know from experience, it is not fair to her children...Shari
   — Shari V.

April 1, 2002
As I was reading your story, I became SO sad. I was an obese child myself. By the age of 5, I weighed 80 lbs., nearly double what my peers weighed. Adults were constantly fussing at me, telling me what I should or shouldn't eat in order to be thin. Each comment cut, and I would eat more, just to comfort myself. I think, if a child becomes obese by the age of 10, it has little to do with his/her eating habits and more to do with (1) heredity, (2) a sedentary lifestyle and (3) emotional issues. In my opinion, the #1 thing you could do to help your grandson is to tell him you love him, encourage your daughter to stop treating him differently than she does her thin children and MOST IMPORTANTLY encourage him to get involved in some sport or activity which will help him in weight control. As we all know, dieting DOES NOT WORK, so the key is to help him make healthy choices in the long run. Also, it is very important that he feels love and acceptance from you. He may end up being an obese adult. There is not a lot you or your daughter can do to control that. Withholding food and telling your grandson he needs to watch what he's eating will only hurt him and making him a somewhat shy and neurotic adult. Also, if he does end up putting on more and more weight, I would definitely encourage him to have weight loss surgery as young as possible. I waited until I was 28, and by then my youth was gone. I wish I had undergone this surgery when I was 18!!! Good luck. I can tell you care so much about your grandson, and I'm sure you will make a good decision about how to help him. Regards,
   — Terissa R.

April 1, 2002
Lots of good suggestions here. I come from a looonnnnnngggg line of obese people - we're a genetic cesspool but eating habits had a LOT to do with it. When I found out I was pregnant with my child I was bound and determined to stop the cycle. From the get-go I fed him very nutritious foods and practiced good portion control. I never bought anything that was deemed "unhealthy" and when we went out we would treat ourselves to fast food once a month - NEVER more often than that. I made sure to choose a daycare where the children were taken outside regularly and there lots of physical activities planned each day. It did cost a little more but it was well worth it. My son is now 15 years old. He's 5'7" tall and weighs 120 pounds. Now I'm not bragging - I'm just telling you that just because a parent is fat doesn't mean a child has to be. This poor child has a life of pain ahead of him if his mother doesn't do something to head it off. She shouldn't tell him to go outside - she should take him outside and interact with him. Let him have video games as a treat instead of letting him play them all the time. Also let the fast food be a treat instead of a regular meal. I know I'm far from the perfect parent but I've seen both sides of that coin. My best friend has two children - one is overweight - the other is severely obese. She feeds them tons of very greasy and sugar loaded foods and allows them to vegetate in front of a video game day in and day out. The most disturbing thing about this is she wonders out loud why her kids are so big. It amazes me. Like I said, I'm far from the perfect parent but I just used common sense to help my child keep a normal weight and an active lifestyle. I only wish I could practice what I preach.
   — Vicki H.

April 1, 2002
Sometimes things just can't be fixed. I raised my two daughters in what I thought was a healthy eating way. The oldest is have surgery shortly and the youngest has the ability to control her eating and exercise. It can't be will power, because both are strong women. It can't be nutrition education, because both girls are extremely well educated nutritionally. The heavier one was actually more active when she was young than her sister. Just as I was more active than my skinny brothers. We do not yet have answers to why some are fat and some are not. You can only be their and support him as he grows.
   — faybay

April 1, 2002
Wow, this sounds like a little bit of a dilemma, but since he is only 8 your daughter may still have some time to help him out. First, I think an excellent and fun thing to get involved in for a child that age is swimming, or some kind of sport. It doesn't have to be a team sport necessarily either. Just something that gets your grandson to move around....hey maybe even you could give a gift or something like that to him to the YMCA. I don't know how comfortable your daughter is talking to you regarding your grandson's weight. If she is comfortable talking with you about it, maybe you could make some suggestions. If the child insists on eating hotdogs, she could by the fat free kind. She can also maybe replace the buns with whole wheat buns. Stone ground is the best. McDonalds unfortunately is a problem for all of us. Within one semester, of just eating one regular meal from them a few days a week I gained twenty lbs. If he likes hamburgers and fries, then she is going to have to find some kind of healthy substitutes at home, and like the others have mentioned...go there only once in awhile. Maybe he would eat veggie burgers, or lean sirloin burgers that she prepared at home. If he likes pizza, she could use lowfat , or nonfat items to make it. And again, if only certain things are available in the house to eat, then your grandson will eventually eat what is given to him. My parents always said..."This is not a restaurant" Perhaps you all could make a list of things he really does like to eat, and all go shopping together to pick out healthy things and make it a group deal. Your daughter could make a contract with him, and if he sticks to it a reward of stickers per week could be given. Maybe at the end of so many weeks if he has been cooperative, he could be given a toy or something like that. Sorry for so long. Good luck to you and your family.
   — Michelle H.

April 2, 2002
Oh, man, I am sorry! I started gaining weight myself around that age. IMO, I would probably not be telling the child he can't eat any Easter candy, that just seems too cruel and too limiting, and makes him feel left out and deprived (a life spent dieting has taught me that deprived isn't conducive to long-term weight loss!) Like other posters, I agree that getting him into some kind of physical activity is key. Soccer is great because there's lots of running around, softball/baseball is good as well. I would suggest your daughter limit the TV and videos (schoolweek is a perfect time to completely limit it), and as far as Happy Meals, etc., if she would try to stay away from fast food altogether that would be healthiest. Luckily he's still at an age where he basically can only eat what she buys and prepares, so that gives her some real control (not when he's at friends' homes, of course). But again, I would stress she not deprive him so much as she steers him to better choices. Good luck, and let us know how it goes!
   — Mary Ellen W.

April 2, 2002
Lots of good suggestions here if you were his mother and not his grandmother. If you can, sit down with his mother and talk this out with her. If she's not willing to change things, there's probably not much you can do. If you live close enough, you could invite him to go with you when you walk or go swimming or bike riding. If you can do that, listen to him. Don't lecture him because we all know how well that worked for us. For example, if he says anything about being picked on, you could ask him how he could change that. If he can't think of anything, suggest just one change that he could make, like walking every day or not drinking sugary drinks (that includes juice). Most important, be there for him. You can be someone in his life who loves him unconditionally, doesn't get on him about his weight, who praises him for things he does well and helps him change things in his life when he's ready. It sounds like you love him very much and that is a great start.
   — garw




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