Question:
How do I tell my kids and/or their parents?
I'm a Girl Scout leader of a troop of 16 kids. This is one of the few things in my life that I feel is truly worthwhile. This is partially because Girl Scouts really stresses positive self-image. How do I tell my kids about the surgery? How much do I share with them? I'm not doing it for appearance's sake, though it's a nice side benefit. How do I approach this without messing with the minds of these pre-teen girls (most are 10 & 11)? I don't want them to feel like they're less human if they gain weight. I don't want them to feel like if they don't meet supermodel standards, they're not worthwhile. But I also don't want them totally in the dark about what I'll be going through, and I don't want them to worry about me when they see me losing a bunch of weight. And how do I approach it with the parents? Or do I need to? Help! — Elizabeth W. (posted on January 23, 2002)
January 22, 2002
To be quite honest, I don't think I'd approach the topic with your girls
right now. You may want to mention that you'll be having some surgery and
one of the effects this surgery will have on you is that you'll be losing a
lot of weight. That way they won't worry about you or think you're
"sick" with some dreaded unknown like cancer or AIDS. Of course,
you know these girls better than any of us. If you think they can handle
it and you feel comfortable talking to them about it, the choice is up to
you. As for the parents, I'd use my own discretion. It's possible that
they would be very supportive of your decision and getting support that you
didn't expect is always nice. Good Luck.
— Pam S.
January 22, 2002
Hmmmm, interesting question for sure. As a counselor I am not sure I would
keep this information from the children. I think this would be a nice time
to disuss health risks of morbidly obese....vs obese, a definate learning
experience.. Ask the girls what they know about obesity and the different
types.. I would discuss some of you health issues that you have since being
obese.. Ask them if there is anyone obese in their family and how they
feel about it.. This may be actually the catalist that may prevent some of
these girls to NOT have eating disorders. I would also discuss good sound
nutritional eating habits early in life to prevent or help lower the risks
of obesity. But above all, I would make sure they feel they can ask you
any questions they feel about the surgery so not to keep any feelings
bottled up inside. Well, this was just what I thought, I am not in your
shoes. I did sit down with my neices, ages 9 and 11, and it worked well.
Good luck to you....
— Pamela W.
January 22, 2002
I agree with Pamela. I have a nine year old daughter and had a similar
discussion I stressed the health benefits but being thinner is was nice
benefit too. She expressed her fear I would die and when I told her that
one of the reasons I was doing it was to live longer and be with her longer
it calmed her down. She has also become consious of healthy eating and
exercise and it's no longer a battle. We
bought a treadmill and she's on it constantly. I think your kids are at a
great age to learn about health.
— Candace F.
January 22, 2002
By all means tell them, and tell them exactly which health reasons you are
doing it for! I was in a similar situation with my son's Cub Scouts.
Although not the leader, I am very active and always volunteer to help out
with his den, and I've been friends with these 9 boys & their parents
since kindergarten, they are now in the 5th grade! The boys all knew that
I was a diabetic and had to snack at times, take medication, test my blood,
and that it sometimes did not allow me to do certain things. This was all
fine and just part of being Billy's mom. When I found outmy surgery date,
we were having an outting a few days before it,and I told everyone there.
I recieved tons of support, well wishes, and lots of help during those
first few post-op weeks! Everyone understood why I did not go overnight
camping at 5 weeks post-op, everyone knows why I have a water bottle with
me constantly, and no one is offended if I turn down a snack. I would
explain to the girls that there are somethings you might not be able to do
right now, say a 5 mile hike, and that you want to improve your health to
do it, then plan to do a hike with them. My son & his friends can't
wait till the spring, I missed a long hike up a steep hill with a
waterfall---we are going back so I can too have the fun of climing a
waterfall! My son is looking forward to the day when we can both go rock
wall climbing----I need to get into real shape for that, but the point is
to set non-physical beauty related goals and to let the girls see you
achieve them. One thing that was a big help for me was that one of the
parents was a Physical Theraphist and another an MD, they were the first I
approached and they really helped with the others who had some good
concerns---remember not all parents are as educated about this as you are!
I simply explained that I was having the surgery, why I was having it, that
I would have some physical limitations for awhile, and that I might need
extra help. I also mentioned that I wanted to let them know why I would be
losing so much weight so fast, and that I didn't want them to be concerned
or worried. Good luck, and may one of them offer to clean your house at 3
weeks post-op!
— [Anonymous]
January 22, 2002
Elizabeth, I applaude your sensitivity to your girls! You sound
like someone I would love to have involved with my kids. I
am thinking as a parent if my daughter was in your group and
what would I be comfortable with my daughter hearing, and,
honestly, I am not sure! Perhaps, the first step is talking to the
parents about it and asking them what they are comfortable with
you sharing with their daughters. If it were me, I think
I would start out telling them you have to have surgery and
that, since you will be under a doctor's care you decided
to try and work on getting healthier. As you recover and
start losing weight, you could then go into how and why. I am
not sure what the answer is, but, again, I think you are a
great role-model for these girls!
— M B.
January 22, 2002
I imagine you might have a difficult time explaining open RNY to ten-12
year olds. As far as explaining the weight loss, I simply said it was due
to a number of things, including watching what I ate and drank as well as
exercise--all of which is perfectly true. Nor do you have to go into any
detail about the operation. Why not say it was to rearrange a few things
and make some minor adjustments? When I was pressed, I answered that it was
to improve my health. Again, perfectly true. In any event, explaining your
operation to people should be at the bottom of your priority list.
Good luck.
— [Anonymous]
January 24, 2002
I am an elementary teacher. I would not tell them. I might say I will be
getting my gall bladder out/some other "not too serious" surgery.
When they see you start getting smaller, say you are on a high protien
diet/exercise program which will be TRUE! I think the girls may fear for
you if they know the truth and you may send the wrong message, making them
think they can "get fat"
and just get their stomach stappled. If you continue being a GS leader you
will be an inspiration for your future
girls. Good Luck
— [Anonymous]
January 24, 2002
Annonymous elementary teacher, I am disturbed by your answer. We don't lie
to our children. My daughter (a teacher) does not lie to her students.
And, the message you send to children when you lie to protect them, is that
you don't trust and respect them. Lies and scouting are not compatible. I
am sorry if I sound mean spirited. But I wish you would reconsider your
reasoning on this for the good of your students as well as yourself.
— faybay
January 25, 2002
I wouldn't tell the children because it is none of their business, but by
all means be honest with the other adults. If a child asks you what kind of
surgery you had and why, you could always say that it is not polite to ask
adults these types of questions. If you feel you need to answer these
questions from children, tell them you had surgery to help you lose weight
to live longer, not to be prettier. You're right that it's very important
that young girls don't need to focus anymore on their weight!! Good luck
and thanks for being a great girl scout leader!
— [Anonymous]
February 2, 2002
Thanks for all of your responses, supportive and not-so-. I find it
interesting that the not-so-supportive responses were submitted
anonymously. The fact of the matter is, I plan to the the girls--one of
the Girl Scout laws is to be *honest*. And I'd be far more worried about
the impact I'd have on the kids if I didn't tell them at all, or told them
something that wasn't true. (Not to mention the fact that my sister is in
the troop, and she knows about the surgery--what message would it be
sending her if I told the other Scouts something different?) From the
answers here and from a leader website that I post to, the consensus seems
to be to tell the girls (although details clearly aren't necessary!),
answer their questions, and make sure that they know that it's for health
reasons, not for appearance's sake.
If anyone else has a different answer or perspective, *please* keep
posting! I'm interested. And thank you *very* much to the people that
responded that they'd love to have me as their kids' leader--that really
meant a lot.
— Elizabeth W.
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