Question:
How can i or even should i encourage my teen to look into weight loss surgery?
I had a very successful lap RNY done and am at my goal weight after 1 1/2 years. I see her at 17 approaching 300# and am scared of losing her! She has tried some things but nothing serious or successful. Any advice? Diana G. from MI — Diana G. (posted on September 28, 2001)
September 28, 2001
You would think there's a straight forward answer here wouldn't you... but
here's my 2 cents and it will seemed biased... PLEASE encourage her... My
mother didn't care to encourage my weight loss when it really mattered, and
I was her size at her age, now a couple pregnancies later, obesity has the
best of me and thankfully I have a surgery date scheduled on October
15th... At age 24 I am now 501 lbs and basically paslizyed by obesity...
My mother faces the fact every day now that she may lose me in surgery, but
knows it's my last hope at a "normal" life... So if your daughter
is open to the idea of surgery, please - please help her...
— Elizabeth D.
September 28, 2001
Personally, I would not suggest this operation to my 17 year old. As you
said, you had the operation yourself, so she knows about it. You should
wait until she approaches you about this. Try to think back to age 17 -
there is a lot of psychological baggage. It may be too much for her to do
this surgery right now. If she does want it, I would make sure you find her
a good therapist to guide her through the process.
— Julie S.
September 28, 2001
I see Elizabeth's point but I really agree with Julie. This is such a
personal decision. You as her mother want her to be healthy, of course.
It is so hard to give you an opinion without truly knowing your child.
She's lived with you (I assume) for the past year and a half and has seen
you go through the change? Is she the type of kid that has a terrible
self-esteem and think she doesn't deserve something like this? (of course
she'd never really be able to know that at this age). Is she the type of
girl that is proud of you but thinks that she can try to do it on her own?
Is she a rebel that doesn't want to be like you at all? Is she scared to
death of surgery? There are a bunch of reasons (and at age 17 I doubt she
would want to tell you) why she may not have approached you about having
this surgery. The best way to get her to confront the issues surrounding
her eating is through therapy. If she is the type of person that works
very well with guidelines and structure, then find a behavioral therapist.
If she really has some deep issues then maybe a Jungian or cognitve
therapist might be best. If I were you, I'd get on the internet and the
phone and look for therapists who specialize in working with obese teens.
Then interview the h--- out of the therapist to see whether or not you
think s/he will be able to help your daughter. I went to therapy for a
year (a Jungian therapist) and we talked about emotions and stuff then I
finally got tired of talking about why I was fat (and all the other issues)
and finally wanted to do something. She was against surgery. I never
really found out why. But I do know that I was smart enough to research
and make my own decision. And part of that decision was getting rid of
her. Good luck and God Bless!
— Kimberly L.
September 28, 2001
This is such a hard question. I know what it was like to be a large teen.
You don't fit it with anyone.You don't fit in the desks at school. Boys and
Girls make fun of you.You don't date. Clothes are never fit and are not
what is in style if they do fit.You feel like no one will ever want to
marry you. This surgery can help your daughter to have a life. You can give
her the gift of knowledge about how to look and feel better. Why would you
withhold something which not only could save her life but could help her be
happy? It is so hard to be a teen. Good luck and God Bless!
— Karen F.
September 28, 2001
I see nothing wrong in speaking to her about it, but you should check your
insurance coverage before pursuing the idea with her. Most insurance
companies won't cover the procedure if the patient is less than 18 years
old.
— Denise C.
September 28, 2001
Maybe she is waiting for you to bring it up. I wish with all my heart that
I would have had this chance when I was that young. Please at least tell
her it is an option not that she must but that if she wanted to you would
support her. Bring it up like you would bring up her starting a new diet.
Very supportive and some concern.
— Robin C.
September 28, 2001
Could you talk to her doctor and see what he thinkgs? If he supports it
perhaps he would talk to her first...? Nina
— [Deactivated Member]
September 28, 2001
I can understand your worry and I can certainly understand how people wish
that they could have had this surgery at a young age. I wish that too! But,
that said, I was a moderately overweight child and teen and my mom often
suggested diets of various sorts. I know she did it out of love, but each
suggestion said to me, "I'm not good enough" or "Mom is
ashamed of me". Whether or not this was rational, thats how I felt and
to a great degree still feel today. My mom is my biggest supporter of my
WLS and while I appreciate that now, there is still a little bit of that
old feeling of rejection. I am not saying this is how your daughter or
anyone else would react, but it is my experience. I wish you and your
daughter good luck. Perhaps without even mentioning her obesity, invite her
to look through the before and after pictures, etc. Maybe send your own
pics in as a way to tactfully invite her to check them out. I think this
has to be her idea, in her time.
— [Anonymous]
September 28, 2001
Oh I agree with the last poster. I have been big all through elementary and
high school and now college. My Mom is big too, but never fails to remind
me I'm bigger. From age 10 I was dragged to Weight Watchers, and forced to
take aerobics and constantly reminded how fat I was. When you get this from
everyone else every day, when you're nervous going to school because you
know people are laughing at you, you DO NOT need that at home. My Mom
suggested WLS about two years ago, when I was 19 and I flipped, it was the
biggest argument we ever had. In fact I even left home after it. I felt
that she was so ashamed of me she would put me through something as drastic
as surgery. But now two years later after living away from home and coming
to the conclusion ON MY OWN, I am having surgery in December. Please don't
nag your daughter about her weight. It's the worst feeling in the world,
she knows it, everybody else reminds her, and when she comes home she
doesn't need to hear it from the people who are supposed to love and
support her. Good Luck!
— Deborah W.
September 29, 2001
I would mention to her that you were looking on this website and found
several young (17-19 yrs old) that had the surgery. And ask her what her
opionion is. I have heard about several younger people having surgery, so I
would suggest searching the database and trying to find some of the younger
ones so you can show them to her. You could use me...I am 23, but I am sure
someone even closer to her age would be a better example to her. The only
young person I can think of is Cora Elizabeth, her profile should still be
on here. Good Luck!
— imano1momy
October 1, 2001
<p>My mother always said I was fat, even when I weighed 115 pounds.
As I gained weight, I had to endure my parents asking, "So how much
weight have you lost?" at the beginning of every phone conversation.
They never wanted to know about my health, only my weight. They never
expressed concern, only criticism.
<p>I wish my parents had given me some tools to deal with my weight,
instead of using it as a weapon. I didn't know about fitness and was never
encouraged to be physically active. The house was filled with junk foods
and fried food was included in nearly every meal.
<p>I always felt (and still do) that my parents' issues with my
weight had nothing to do with me and everything to do with them: They are
embarrassed that they have two fat daughters. I would have been a lot more
receptive to them if I had felt they supported me, fat or thin. The key is
SUPPORT, SUPPORT, SUPPORT.
<p>Since your daughter already knows about the surgery, I would be
really honest about your concerns. Let her know that you love her and are
concerned about her health. Tell her that you will support her and lover
her whatever she does about her weight (including nothing) and that you
know it is her business and not yours. Offer to help her research any means
she would like to deal with her weight. Offer to tell her about the surgery
IF she has any questions about it then or at any time in the future. Then
leave it alone. Chances are she will get to the point where she is ready to
tackle her weight issues. And then maybe she will feel comfortable going to
you knowing you will answer her questions with no strings attached.
<p>This surgery requires some lifestyle changes that not every 17
year old is ready to make. If she makes the decision to do it, it will have
to be when SHE is ready to live the life that comes with it.
— ctyst
October 1, 2001
I wish someone had given me factual information about wls when
I was younger. I didn't discover wls until I was in my forties.
Speak honestly and openly about wls with your daughter. Tell her
about your struggles with obesity and give her lots of information
on the subject. Introduce her to ths board. She's 17..almost an
adult and has to make this decision for herself. You can't make it
for her. My god-daughter's parents are struggling with this also.
Rina is only 15 and already 300lbs. She has sleep apnea and hirsutism.
Her mom had her rny a year after I had mine and we're both wls success
stories. It's heartbreaking to see this kid so sick and miserable.
— [Anonymous]
June 25, 2003
I know this is two years too late, but I'd like to add my own experience.
I am the child of a mother who had WLS. Before my mother had it in 1992,
she had well over 260 lbs on her petite five-foot-tall body. I remember
that day she came home from the doctor's and was told she was going to die
before she reached fifty. She cried ... it was the most heartbreaking
thing I had ever witnessed in my life (and there has been plenty of
heartbreaking things).
It was during this cry that she found an article about bariatric surgery
next to her bed (she is an RN and kept her med. mags next to her bed) and
she went about getting approval and such for it.
I myself did not understand. I was 15 and 170 lbs, and knew the horrors
other kids my age did to overweight people ('Carrie' did not even cover
half the stuff we go through). I was terrified my mother's condition was
so bad, she had to have surgery to save her life. I became determined to
do it on my own, without surgery, and thus this began my ten year struggle
of diets.
She got approval, came home, and began losing the weight. As her weight
went down, her energy and happiness went up, and she began to dress up and
run around. I was furious - she was running around and shopping like a
teenager ... that should have been ME. I was also jealous ... she had the
energy to do things, whenever we went out people thought she was my sister,
guys that I had my eye on were hitting on my mother! I told them she was
my mother and they said 'Why don't you have her figure?' (I got violent
after that.)
She only brought up WLS as an option for me only after I had exhausted all
other diets and programs. She gently supported me in my other endevours,
even joined a gym and put me on her membership to help out. In retrospect,
she knew I was not ready to consider WLS.
Ten years later, I am now thoroughly grateful she had WLS. She's going to
be 50 next year. If she did not have the surgery I would very likely be
saying good-byes this year and arranging her funeral. I married a few
years ago, and now she'll live to see her grandchildren born.
Myself? I'm 25-going-on-26 and 250 lbs, and had reached the end of my
rope. I had been on well over thirty diets over my life, and none of them
had done anything. I'm now doing my own research and asking my mother
questions about WLS. I don't have insurance, but I am quite certain my
Higher Power will provide an answer.
My mother's method was informing me WLS was possible, but I had to make
sure I tried everything else. We do know of people who are able to lose
weight and keep it off on other programs - that's great for them. I know
I'm not one of them.
My mother is the same as you - you're concerned for her health (appearance
never entered into it) and you love her enough to share this option as a
possibility. If it's the same as mine, she was probably aware of the
surgery and what it comprised of (as well as side effects - watching my
mother chew ice due to anemia is now considered normal).
My only advice? She may be 19 now, but wait until she's ready. It
requires a lifestyle change teenagers can hardly make unless they're
certain in their soul they're ready for. It took me ten years to accept
the fact that WLS may be my only option left.
Meanwhile, if she's curious, she can check out all the sites and medical
reports and such on the web, just as I am, to see from an unbias source
what's going on and make her own informed decision.
Hope this was helpful for somebody.
— Jill S.
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