Question:
Why do I feel like such a fraud?
I got into it with one of my best friends today. I'm four 1/2 months post op and have lost 60+ lbs. so far, but people are starting to notice. I live in a small town, and I have told very few people about my weight loss surgery. But when an acquaintance comes up to me and asks "Are you losing weight?" I say "Yeah, I am." So of course, the next thing they ask is "How are you doing it?" So I say, "Well, I'm eating alot less, I've eliminated fat and sugar from my diet and I'm exercising." Well, in my heart I know that I'm not telling the ENTIRE truth, and I feel so fake. When I told my friend this, she see, "See, now that's the difference between you and me. It wouldn't bother me a bit to be vague, it's nobody's business how you're losing weight!"....and I agree with her. So why do I feel like such a fake and a phony when I don't tell people the entire truth? Please remember the 'small town' factor here -- people love to gossip and that's why I've haven't told alot of people. Help! I feel so guilty. — blank first name B. (posted on March 15, 2002)
March 15, 2002
Carolyn
dont feel bad, you are not a fraud... technaically you are telling the
truth, you just are not including the information about your new
"tool" so dont beat your self up over this. its no ones business
anyways. keep up the good work
— Deanna Wise
March 15, 2002
Carolyn, Are you lying? No, you're not. You are watching what you eat and
exercising more. No one needs to know more than that and you have no
obligation to tell them.
— garw
March 15, 2002
Carolyn,
I also grapple with that problem. I'm pre-op and I've told only 3 people
that I'm having the surgery. Here's my plan: When others begin to notice my
weight loss, I'm going to tell them that I don't like to discuss how I lost
weight because no diet or weight loss "tool" works for everyone.
And I've been disappointed time and time again when I failed using some
special diet program that worked for other people. So passing on diet tips
and secrets, in most cases, leads to disappointment, not weight loss. I'd
also tell them that if they're really concerned about their weight, they
should talk to their doctor and see what he/ she suggests. There are some
wonderful diets that are medically supervised. This answer may appease
some people. Others will keep pressing you, begging for your "magic
bullet." With those people, you'll just have to change the subject of
conversation :-)
— Mariee H.
March 15, 2002
I don't know for sure, but there is something about being so cagey that
doesn't sit well with you. Small town or not, what is the big deal if
people know you had surgery?
— merri B.
March 15, 2002
I'm also from a very small town but personally I don't care that people
gossip. I am secure in who I am and gladly tell anyone who wants to know
about my surgery. It does'nt bother me in the least. I don't understand why
some people feel the need for secrets, but I'm sure you must have your
reasons. But unlike the other posters I do feel you are being dishonest.
Instead of lying when people ask how you are losing, why not just state
that you'd rather not discuse it? It's your business, and no one elses. ;)
— Danmark
March 15, 2002
Can't understand why the previous poster states that you're lying to
people. There is nothing untruthful about what you've been telling people.
— Leah B.
March 15, 2002
This is just my opinion but... by not telling the whole truth you are
giving people hope and helping them buy into the entire dieting myth. yes,
you are eating less, watching fat and sugar, but you are leaving out a huge
component. I don't think it's fair to give half the story. If you don't
want people to know say something like, thank you for noticing but I'd
rather not discuss dieting, everyone has to find what works for them. We,
as obese people, sometimes feel so lied too by the diet industry, the
weight loss quacks, etc, and I don't think it's really fair to say, by
implication, that you are just eating less and losing weight, so then the
person asking thinks they can too. I understand it's difficult in our
society to get people to mind their own business, but rather than give
false hope or half a truth I'd really just say I don't want to discuss it.
Good luck
— Becky K.
March 15, 2002
Hi, well your not telling people the total un truth, you are actually doing
what you say. And I do know the problems that can occur when small town
gossip gets out, it's like it consumes you. I think you should just do
what is comfortable for you. Not everyone is the same and not everyone can
handle comments that aren't positive.
— Carey N.
March 15, 2002
I agree with those who agreed that you are not a fraud for not divulging
your WLS. Our choice for WLS is a very personal choice. And only you can
decide if you want to tell those who ask you how you are losing weight. You
ARE being truthful when you tell them that you are eating less and watching
your sugar intake. How can that be construed as lying? You do what you feel
is right for YOU! I chose only to tell those I wanted to know. Some people
can be very hurtful and mean with their unwanted comments when they find
you had WLS. I really don't have time for that. And by the way,
congratulations on your loss!! You're doing great!
— Cindy K.
March 15, 2002
Hi Carolyn! Well, I don't think anyone's answer here that helps you lie to
YOURSELF is going to really satisfy you, OR help you feel like less of a
fraud!! Bottom line, yes, you might be telling part of the truth, but you
KNOW better and it's quite obvious by how you FEEL about what you are
"divulging" that a "half-truth" does not the truth
make. . .you know what I mean? They say feeling is the language of the
soul. . . if you FEEL like you're defrauding someone by not telling the
whole truth, well then, YOUR experience is the only one that matters. You
need to listen to that little voice that is making you feel guilty for not
telling the whole truth. What if your half truth leads one more obese
person to try one more diet (just like you're doing) and it fails, AGAIN
and sends the person into an awful depression. . .or type II diabetes, or.
. . you get my drift?) You never know who you hurt by lying and you never
know who you help by telling the truth. I am 9 mos post op and down 120+
lbs and there is not ONE person I have lied to when they asked me. Why
give false hope? Is your truth going to help or hurt someone? It may not
be "their business" but it's not gonna hurt them to know the
truth, and I'm sure it will ultimately help someone they know, maybe down
the line even, and absolutely help you come to grips with your lack of REAL
honesty!! =) Good luck on your journey and Many Blessings,
— ChristiMNB
March 15, 2002
I don't see it as being any type of fraud. You are being social! You are
being friendly. you are not burdening everyone with the details of your
private life. When you ask your friends "How's it going?" does
she tell you every detail of her personal life, or just say, "going
good" or when you ask How's your husband?" Do you really want to
hear about his impotency and that he's taking viagra? Do we hear about
people's hemoroids, foot fungus, hot ichey rashes, herpes outbreaks,
etc...? No, people do keep personal things to themselves! You shouldn't
be any different. You deserve the same respect as anyone else! you deserve
to respect yourself enough that you don't feel compelled to tell everyone
everything about your personal life.
— blank first name B.
March 15, 2002
I think there are TWO SEPERATE issues here. <P> First, If you were
STILL MO, suffering with health problems from it and didnt know that
surgery existed, wouldnt YOU be happy if someone told you the surgery
choice existed? By telling folks you may well help save the life of another
MO, I think all MOs are brothers and sisters. I am NOT trying to be harsh
but I really believe each one of us has a duty to inform others about
surgery and all the good it can do.<P>
The second issue is that theres NO WAY to elminate gossip about loosing a
100 pounds or more! Gossip is based on rumor and speculation. I would much
rather tell folks the TRUTH, than have them gossip that I have Cancer,
AIDS, or a drug addiction. ALL of these lead to a dramatic weight loss
similiar to surgery. Oh yes I have had people concerned that I have a
dreaded disease. I am PROUD of my WLS! its nothing to be ashamed of! NOW GO
OUT AND spread the word!
— bob-haller
March 15, 2002
I understand the appeal of "telling the whole truth" but is it
really necessary? Other than my immediate family (husband and children) I
told ONLY my 2 closest friends about my surgery. I have an 80 year old
father who lives 3,000 miles away -- he doesn't need to be worrying about
me when he has health problems of his own. So I didn't tell him. When I
see him this summer and he sees the obvious change in me, I may change my
mind and tell him then -- while he can see me and see that I'm doing just
fine. Why do the people I work with need to know about my choice for WLS?
I don't socialize with these people, I simply work with them. My personal
life (which includes my very personal choice for WLS) is really none of
their business. The "whole truth" is highly over-rated in my
honest opinion. Does the young expectant mother who gets asked "Oh,
is this your first?" have to tell the questioner that she had an
abortion prior to this pregnancy? "You have a lovely smile"
should be answered by "It ought to be lovely, it's all caps"?
When someone asks me how I'm losing weight I tell them I decided to take
charge of my own life, I made a few decisions that have changed my outlook
on life and I've decided to jump on the healthy eating and exercise
bandwagon. I refuse to feel guilty for keeping my personal life personal.
— Pam S.
March 15, 2002
I have told everybody who asks what I did. 99% of the people are
supportive. I have had only good experinces from telling the whole truth.
I've met 2 people in work who have had the same operation and one who is
going to get it. My mother is 80 years old and was a great help and gave
tremendous support while I was off of work (still does)
Good Luck
— Robert L.
March 15, 2002
I understand exactly how you feel----my 80 year old mother-in-law tells
everyone that I had the surgery and how great it is, she just doesn't
understand how some people can be against it when everyone comes out if it
looking so good & so thin. Can you tell looks are important to her?
At a funeral visitation with her extended family she wanted me to tell
everyone how I lost weight, I simply said that "I gained control over
my diabetes with a different treatment", and left it at that.
Sometimes it is very easy to tell a complete stranger at the mall or a
store that you had surgery, other times when you know someone and that they
will talk about you behind your back, and not respect your privacy---it is
hard to tell the truth. I don't feel like I'm lying when I don't admit to
surgery, I feel as though I'm doing what it best for my own emotional well
being----you really are eating less, eating healthier, and taking better
care of yourself, you aren't being a fake or lying, just not elaborating on
things. Truth is that only those health care professionals who take care
or you really need to know your medical history. Remember many people do
have success with weight loss without surgery, regardless of having an
illness like cancer or aids. Just let the gossip hounds think what they
want, you can't change them, but make sure that when you see them you are
dressed up and look great----looking good makes you feel good and gives
them something to really be jelous about!
— Sue F.
March 15, 2002
To all of the people who are saying that this poor person is lying to
others, I say that's a bunch of bunk. She doesn't owe these people
anything! The thin people asking are just being nosey. The large people
want to most likely, sincerely know what she is doing to lose this much.
With them, I would pick and choose whom I tell. Why do I say this?
Because I made the mistake of telling everyone what I did. Fine at the
time and in the following year as they oooooed and ahhhhhed at my loss
right? Now, though, I am having serious medical problems from this surgery
and I am hearing all kinds of "I told you so's". I don't need to
hear that because I already KNOW that my health is compromised. I'm so
sorry that some of them know what I did. Some people (and we hope a very
limited few) thrive on the adversities of others. When we were large, they
loved giving advice on how to lose believing that you wouldn't or couldn't
accomplish it. When we get the surgery, they talk about all of the
problems we might have afterwards instead of how brave we were to have this
in the first place, and when you exibit problems, they enjoy saying "I
told you so". I would say, that in a small town, that only a select
few need to know what you did. The rest can just assume that you developed
alot of self discipline (which is what they all assume we large people are
lacking. You owe no one. This was your decision to make and yours to live
with. Pick and choose carefully, who you tell. Good luck to you
— Barbara H.
March 15, 2002
Sue, I see you said there are OTHER ways to loose this much weight. How
many of us PERSONALLY know ANYONE who successfully looses 100 pounds or
more and keeps it off? My PCP says they have never had ONE suceed. I said
ever, they said said never. That conversation finally convinced me to have
surgery...<P>
I tell everyone what I did, and even called the Pittsburgh Post Gazette and
suggested they run a story on WLS. Me, Jen, and a bunch of others were
interviewed at our support group meeting for the story. Incidently for
those who might remember my topic about walking up to a 450 pound lady at
my grocery store who was using a power cart and on oxygen and gently
telling her about my WLS. This article was a outgrowth of that experience.
She was in pre op testing and I gave her the sites address. She might well
be reading this. <P>
Let me conclude that I WAS SO SCARED of surgery I promised myself that if I
survived and was a success I would give somnething back. <P>
So I decided to keep posting here, and became a moderator when asked. I
think reaching out to others is the most important thing we can all do.
Every time I tell someone MY STORY it might filter down to another person
and could SAVE THEIR LIFE.
— bob-haller
March 15, 2002
Carolyn - I agree with the posters who have focused on how you're feeling,
not whether it's right or wrong to tell how much. I am someone who feels
very strongly about honesty, with myself and others, and if I felt I wasn't
being honest, I'd feel like you do now - a fake and a fraud! I also try
very hard not to let the opinions of others affect how I feel about myself,
or to signficantly impact my own sense of self. So for me, the answer was
to tell people who asked. I don't volunteer the information, but when
someone sincerely asks "how did you lose the weight" then I tell
them I had weight loss surgery. If they want to probe for more
information, then I make an assessment about what I think their motives
are. If they seem to be gossips or the like, I tell them it has been a
difficult process, but I am very satisfied. Particularly if they are obese
themselves, I will share more detailed information, including the good, the
bad and the ugly. Find the path that does not stress you out, and then
tell everybody else to blow it out their ear!! -Kate-
— kateseidel
March 15, 2002
I have to agree with Kate. It is about how YOU feel, not what others think
about whether it is best to tell everything about WLS. Obviously, what you
are doing now makes YOU feel bad. Others who have said that they would not
feel bad, well, that's THEIR feelings. You have to come to grips with what
you are comfortable with. If you honestly feel guilty, about telling a
"half-truth", then maybe you could tell a "whole truth"
and just say you can't bring yourself to discuss it, or tell them you don't
want to discuss it right now. Maybe one day you will want to tell people,
but for now, try to find a way to tell people your truth without spilling
the beans, OR just tell 'em about the surgery. You may be surprised at how
supportive people can be. I have told anyone who will listen about my RNY
GB, and I have really, honestly never had anyone say a negative thing to
me. I've only gotten positive remarks from all my friends, family and
co-workers. Do they gossip behind my back? Hell if I know, but what does it
matter? Maybe another MO will overhear the gossip and look into it. But,
that's MY way of dealing with it. You should just do what feels RIGHT to
YOU. If you feel uncomfortable with what you are currently telling people,
then say what makes you feel comfortable and you'll stop feeling guilty. I
hope this rambling helps you somewhat. Good luck in whatever decision you
make. Maria
— Maria H.
March 16, 2002
I haven't had wls yet but I'm not planning on telling anyone other than my
family. Why should I? You wouldn't necessarily tell everyone about a
hysterectomy or getting your tubes tied. Most men wouldn't brag about
prostate surgery or using Viagra. It's not anything to be ashamed of, it
just isn't anyone else's business. You should do what you feel comfortable
with and DON'T feel guilty. You are the only one that you have to be
resposible to. Good luck.
— cjabates
March 16, 2002
People, people, we are not here to vote on whether she should or shouldn't
feel like a fraud. She said she does and that SHE feels guilty. So the
issue here is HER value system, not ours. Somewhere, dear, in the way you
are handling this, you are violating one of your own principles of
integrity. Probably because it is competing with another value you have
about privacy. So, in an ideal world, what would you tell people? How
would you like for them to respond? How do they REALLY respond? What do
you believe you can tell people in your current reality? How do you
PERCEIVE that they respond? What difference does it make that people have
opinions about what you do? What other times have you done something and
cared about what other people thought of it? Sort out the answers to these
questions and you might get to why you feel like a fraud. And remember,
dear, the truth shall set you free.
— merri B.
March 16, 2002
Carolyn, I understand your feelings about telling or not to tell. I had
surgery in August and was proud to tell anyone who asked my plans, what I
had done, how things are going, etc.... Now, I receive phone calls from
people I do not know asking how my weight loss is going. I must admit that
I now feel like a "medical miracle" rather than a person who went
through major surgery! Looking back, I sometimes wish I were more
discriminate in who I told what. Don't get me wrong, I would do the surgery
again every day to have the same results, but at times, I do want to talk
about something other than my weight. MO had been such a painful part of my
recent past, and I don't always want to talk about it at the market AND the
gym, AND at work, AND at the mall, AND at the gas station, AND AND AND!!! I
respect your decision to tell whom you choose. If you have concerns about
'lying', or telling the partial truth, then you may have to look deep
inside and decide what is more important to you...your privacy or your
feelings. I am a nurse in a moderately small town near a large town that
does a lot of WLS. So, because EVERYONE knows that I have had surgery, I
get to hear about all of the people in the surrounding counties who have
had adhesions, gallbladder problems, abdominal pain, hair falling out, not
following the diet plan prescribed by the physician, constipation...you
name it. I hear about every less than great outcome and have to explain
frequently about my procedure, why it is not "stapling" or why I
can eat more than three grapes at a time. People stare at me when I eat,
trying to guage how much I can eat at a sitting. Granted, I do NOT regret
having the surgery, I just wish I had been a little more cautious about who
I told, especially at the begining. I am so much more than surgery! This is
just my experience, but if you do not want to feed into the gossip mill, I
don't blame you! Take Care,
— Whitney D.
December 22, 2002
I'm from a town of 2,600 and work in a town of 9,000. My plan was to only
tell the people I'm closest to and when questioned about how I'm doing tell
other people the same as you said diet, excersize, watching sugar and fat
intake, unless I thought they could benefit from the whole truth. Well my
plan was blown out of the water. I got a phone call, at work no less, from
a girl that was a year or 2 behind me in high school. She was a large girl
like me. She wanted to ask me about the surgery because she was
considering it. I talked to her, and then asked her how she knew I had the
surgery. Her Aunt works for our family dentist and my niece went in for her
cleaning and was talking about me. Ha ha, got to love small towns. So I
forgot about my privacy, and am completely open about it now. At work
people who haven't been in in a while want to know who the "new
girl" is.
— Candy J.
December 28, 2002
You know what I find both interesting AND sad about us? We are ashamed
when we are fat, and we are ashamed when we do something about it (WLS)
Why? As we all know, pre or post,...this is NOT an easy way out. It is
probably the scariest decision we have ever made in our lives. Don't be
ashamed. I am so very proud of you!
Michele from Denver
— Michele B.
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