Question:
HELP! My daughter is upset with my upcoming surgery!
My daughter is 15 1/2 years old. She is about 20 to 30 pounds over her ideal weight. She is in a size 12, sometimes a 14. I don't consider her obese. She hates her body and wants to try diet pills. She doesn't want me to have surgery and argues about it. She said if I happen to get smaller than she is and she can't lose the weight she threatens to kill herself. I have offered to join her up for weight watchers and I have even joined back in January in an effort to help her. She refused to go. I gave her all of my weight watcher material. If she follows it for a couple days she expects to be down several pounds. She gets mad whenever she goes clothes shopping because of her self image. I told her many many times how much I would love to be her size. Does anyone have any suggestions? Have any of you had similar teens with this problem? I leave next week in route for surgery. — [Anonymous] (posted on May 9, 2000)
May 8, 2000
Hello, my daughter is 13 and is a pretty big girl. She was supportive of my
surgery but now that I am losing weight, I can see that she gets a little
jealous sometimes. I try to include her in every aspect of my weight loss
and I constantly ask her to help me with things like exercising and what to
eat, etc. She likes being helpful and she is actually losing, too just
walking with me. I have joined a gym and I got a family membership so she
can go with me. I think just by involving her it motivates her to lose,
too. Hope this helps!
— Laura P.
May 9, 2000
Please consider getting her into counseling. I know it may be tough to
force her to go, but as her mother, you have that ability. It sounds to me
as if she has some real self esteem issues, and who could blame her?
Society tells our teenage girls that if they are not a size 4 then they are
fat. (And she may be blaming you because she is overweight.) She needs to
have a professional help her through her issues with food and body image.
Obviously you are doing the surgery for yourself for very unselfish reasons
- you want to be healthy and you want to be around to enjoy your children
and their children. But it's easy to see why your daughter feels you are
selfishly addressing your needs and not hers. She simply doesn't have the
maturity to understand any better right now. Whatever you do, please do
not ignore the situation. I wish my own mother had properly addressed food
issues with me when I was a teen. It would have made things much easier.
I wish you and your daughter the best of luck.
— Paula G.
May 9, 2000
Hi.
I just read your question and had to immediately repy to it. Your daughter
is trying to control you. As you say, she is is alittle over her ideal
weight. she can not expect to loose this wieght over nigh. she did not
gain it over night. She is immature an is like most in her age group.
They want instant gratification...As for her not wanting you to have this
surgery. she is again being a child. Yoou have to do what is right for
you. Having this ssurgery was not an easy decision for you. I would hope
that she would be one of your best supporters. As forher threat of of
killing herself, the girl need professional help. My family was a great
support for me when I had my surgery. My daughter was older than yours
when I had my surgery. She was 28. She is overweight, and I now am
smaller than her. She is a great support to me. She wants to loose about
60 pounds. She has not really committed herself to loosing the weight.
But, she knows anytime she needs me and my support, she will have it 100%.
Like i said before, your daughter is young and is trying to control you. A
heart to heat talk might be best. You can tell her you uncerstand her
fears, you love her and you have to do what is best for you and your
health, tell her you want to be there for her for a long time and that you
are going to have the surgery and you hope she will support you. That is
about all you can do, offer counceling if she willing to go. I know this
is a hard time for you and if you want to talk more about this my E-mail
address is [email protected]. I will be praying for both you and your
daughter. Avis.
— Avis G.
May 9, 2000
Hi .. after reading your question and the responses, I'm very concerned
with you and your daughter. I grew up in an emotional battle with my
family and myself over my weight as I was the only child out of four who
was heavy. Even when I was only 20 or 30 lbs. overweight, my family made a
big deal out of the weight issue. I could never go to a family function
without it being pointed out that I was the fat child. It haunted me for
many, many years and now I'm doing something about it. Being 15, your
daughter is going through a hard time hormonally and emotionally right now.
What she says may not be exactly what she feels. She may be using herself
as an excuse, simply out of her fear of the surgery. This is more than
likely fear of losing you rather than fear of you being smaller than she
is. As you and I both know, this world we live in is hard on anyone
overweight, but highschoolers can be particularly cruel. What she's
experiencing at school or other places comes home with her. I do not think
she's being childish .. she's just afraid and probably scared of going
through the same thing if she doesn't get this extra weight off. I too
have been one of those people who wanted extra weight to come off overnight
and gave up when it did not. The best thing you can be to your daughter is
first and foremost her Mother .. let her know you've made this decision for
your health, but you want her to be part of it. Show her the two of you
can now exercise and eat together. Low fat/no sugar meals combined with an
exercise program should take that weight right off of her in a few months.
Show her you're not giving up and she shouldn't either. Secondly, you
should be her friend. Include her in your day to day activities and get
involved with her life too. Third, be her confidant. If you're her Mother
and her friend, she'll begin to tell you things that she would not tell any
other person. I know this first hand because that is what my Mother is to
me. There was a time in my life when I felt like all was lost. I felt
like there was no place I fit in and my Mother was there for me. I fear
your daughter is now in that place and she'll need you to GUIDE her through
it. Hang in there, talk to her, don't lose communication. She's your
precious child and irreplaceable.
— Sonya H.
May 9, 2000
I can only speak from my personal experience...I have a 12 year old
daughter who is in a size 14-16. I feel horrible that she takes after my
side of the family. I am having surgery on 5/31/00 and have decided that
it would be in the best interest of my daughter and myself to see
acounselor. I empathize with your situation. It must be so scary for your
daughter to think of you changing....you will not be the same mom...you
will not have the same expectations you did before the surgery. It must be
kind of threatening for her to think of this change. I would strongly
encourage you to try to seek counseling. If she wont go then at least go
for yourself so you can learn to handle her hostility and show her how much
you love her, and how you want her to love herself. Especially when our
girls are going through these emotional times it is best for us to care for
ourselves so we can be there for them, no matter what.
Good-luck!
— twenc
May 9, 2000
Hi,
Well a couple of things here.
1. my sister in law was anorexic and I think about 9/10 of it was a height
issue and not a weight issue. At 5 6 I look fine at 150 but she was 5 9 so
she just felt BIG and the only way for her to control it was to lose
weight. You have never seen something as sad as a 5 9 young beautiful girl
at the weight of 82 pounds!
2. in regards to the above, most girls grow until they are about 20
whether it is up or filling out, matter of fact if you look at a woman at
18 and then at 30 they have a more chisled look.
3. Take her threat seriously, even if it was made off the cuff. Maybe you
and she could do some counseling and it would make her understand your
difficulties with your weight. If you do this be HONEST with her and
graphic if need be.
4. Daughters ALWAYS see their mothers as beautiful so maybe she does not
understand the problem.
5. Maybe sit down and dicuss all the her reasons for not wanting you to do
this. And your reasons for doing it, including if applicable the ability
for you to be around for her!!!!
I think it is a shame, after watching my sister in law go through what she
did that young girls have so many problems with body image! I cringe
everytime I see a girl that is too skinny with boney elbows and knees. It
make me want to scream, EAT SOMETING!!!!!!! I hope some of this is a help,
I am a little emotional on this subject and find it hard to be rational
about sometimes! :) Godspeed Paige
— Paige W.
May 9, 2000
I have a few thoughts: I,too, think your daughter is trying to control
you,
but quite possibly out of fear. If she is teased about her
weight, and she percieves you as her only ally (since you can identify
with her weight problem), and you CHANGE- she may think she
will be all alone in her situation. Worse, she may think
you will be like others in her life who will be judgemental
since you will no longer be heavy like her. I also see that
perhaps she is looking for unconditional love. Helping her
to diet or go to weight watchers may be percieved by her as
you not accepting her the way she is. If she is like me,
she needs to feel accepted before she can find the strength
to change. She is old enough to change on her own- you cannot
diet for her, nor can you exercise for her. You need to take
care of yourself, and hopefully, she will learn from watching you,
how to take care of herself. Counseling sounds like
a great idea! Good Luck!
— M B.
May 9, 2000
PS- Assure her, too, that you aren't coming home from the hospital
skinny- it will be a gradual change. Also, I have a 12 1/2
year old daughter who your daughter can write to if she would
like to- [email protected] I am almost 4 months postop
and my daughter might be able to answer your daughter's
questions about post op Moms.
— M B.
May 9, 2000
It sounds to me like she is jealous of the possibility of your weight loss.
Some family counseling would probably help you straighten out these
issues. Communication is never easy with teenagers. Maybe she is hiding
fear for you behind this gruff exterior.
— [Anonymous]
May 9, 2000
Hi there. I strongly urge you to seek therapy for your daughter. THere
are therapists who specializes in eating disorders (Binge eating disorder
is a recognized illness). You need to take control of the situation and
divert your daughter's attempts at manipulating you out of guilt. Also, I
urge you (both) to seek the treatment of a dietician who can teach how food
acts on the body. Sometimes, understandign this gives a person control
(knowledge is poer). It's working for me. Feel free to write to me,
should need help finding a therapist for yur daughter. Best of luck!
— lisadiehl
May 9, 2000
My daughter is also 15 years old. I had my surgery last August and so far
I have lost 101 lbs. My daughter also has a weight problem and is now a
little jealous of my current size, but she has never threatened to kill
herself over it. I am now a size 16/18 and she is in a 18/20. I weigh
about 35 pounds less than she does. She is now on weight watchers and has
been on it for 3 weeks and has lost 8 pounds. She is trying very hard (I
think she is getting tired of me wearing her dresses that are now too small
for her). My husband and I are very supportive for her. And I just keep
telling her that I do not want her to go through what I have had to go
through. I almost died 3 times after my surgery. Your daughter has to
understand that no one goes through this surgery for the fun of it.
Because believe me, it is not fun. My daughter had to see me go through
all of the complications I had because of the surgery. And she completely
understands why I do not want her to go through this. This surgery (for
me) was a last resort. Heart disease and obesity run in my family, and I
did not/do not want to be one that dies from it.
You have to make your daughter understand that you are doing this not only
for you, but also for her. That you want to be able to see her grow up,
get married, and have children. I told my daughter that I want to be able
to spend time with her and my (someday) grandchildren and that by having
this surgery I would have a better chance to do so.
I hope this helps you in some way.
Linda
[email protected]
— Linda F.
May 9, 2000
I am so gratful for this site and most importantly for the answers I
received to this problem with my daughter. I wish to remain annoyomous
because of my daughter's feelings. I have found EVERY response very helpful
and I am going to take her in for counseling. Thank-you, each and every
one of you who responded and to those who I know will respond after I post
this. I am so filled with gratitude for each of you thank-you, thank-you,
thank-you!
— [Anonymous]
May 9, 2000
I cant relate to your daughter. I was always bigger than my sister and my
mother. AND to this day I still feel that it is the reason why they are so
close. I have three brothers who always teased me about my weight. It is
hard. Very hard. All I can say is that you need to be there for your
daughter and don't push her to lose those pounds unless she asks for your
help. You might be able to encourage her by inviting her to join you while
you excersize. Good luck. I will keep you and your daughter in my
thoughts and prayers.
— Lady C.
May 9, 2000
Okay, I guess I have to have the unusual opinion but I want to share it
with you and all the others so you can see that there is another side to
this coin. I also want to say that I agree with many of the other answers
and comments posted to this question. Now here goes. I have a 15 year old
daughter who was a normal to small size child. I swore I wouldn't make an
issue of food and size with her but when she started to gain a few pounds
(and I mean a few) and wasn't the tiniest girl in the class anymore I
started to panic. I know that my reactions were in response to the pain,
humiliation, and horrors I endured as a child and for all the rest of my
life. I have done her terrible harm and now at 15 years of age, my
beautiful daughter is 5 ft. 2 in. and weighs 187 pounds. Does she look
grotesque? No, but she is definately overweight. I keep trying to tell her
how beautiful she is and I have done everything others have suggested. She
was very supportive of me having the surgery as I was 375 pounds and
disgusting and an embarrasment to her and to me and I was totally repulsed
by my body, behavior and mental and physical fixation on food. To make a
long story short, I had surgery 4 months ago, have lost about a hundred
pounds and my daughter is happy for me BUT one night she was very upset
because I had scolded her about something and this set off a floodgate of
emotions. She was quite distraught about her weight and how fat and ugly
and rejected she felt and sobbed about how she wished she could have the
surgery, too. Well, here is my controversial opinion and please do not
rant, rave, critisize, or beat me up. I would let my daughter have this
surgery in a heartbeat if the insurance company would cover it. I am also
going to check into finding some kind of aid or other options to get this
surgery for her. I have started to save up money if I have to pay for it
myself. Let's face it, at age 15, she has been on Phen-fen, Meridia, gone
to Weight Watchers, read fifty books, all the diet magazine articles, gone
to the gym with me, tried over the counter diet pills, been on every diet I
have been on for the last few years. Guess what? They didn't work for me
and they didn't work for her. Did they work for you? No! So at this point,
I really can't see the point of having my child suffer for any given number
of years with obesity and watch her weight escalate. I will not hold out
the option of WLS as a last resort, Why? She has already seen first hand
for herself and for me and other family members, (not to mention all the
WLS buddies of mine she has met already) and read about on AMOS and other
sites, that this surgery is life saving and we all feel that we would never
lose the weight if this surgery wasn't available. She hears us loud and
clear that diets don't work, that obesity is in our genes and hereditary
(that means her, too) So, I will support her and love her, but put money
away to get her this surgery so she doesn't have to have the years of pain,
indignity, low self esteem, ridicule, poor relationships, and health
problems that all of us have had. We are the walking wounded, so are our
heavy kids. Whether 50, 100, or 250 pounds overweight, who says you have to
suffer for your whole life before availing yourself of treatment? If this
would mean putting weights in her clothes to make her that magical 100
pounds overweight, I'd do it. She is frightened that she will soon be so
close to the 200 pound mark and I don't blame her. Remember when you
weighed 200 pounds? When was the last time you said, "I wish I had
done something sooner." So I guess all I can say is understand the
pain your daughter is going through just as perhaps we are minimizing the
pain and shame our daughters are feeling. We didn't like it or believe it
when someone told us to loose weight, withheld snacks, and stocked the
refrigerator with celery and carrots. One last comment, don't be a
fanatical reformed fat person. It is going to be the operation that causes
you to lose weight, not your behavior, certainly you couldn't do it on your
own. So even though your behavior may change post op, don't think that
advocating all that pre op diet garbage about eating right and exercising
will sit any better with a child when she never saw you follow those guides
(to a successful and more "permanent" weight loss, especially
when she sees, knows, and all she hears you talk about is that the only
reason you are losing weight is because of the operation and the forced
changes because of the same. (Like the belief that the dumping syndrome and
it's negative reinforcement is a good thing because it keeps you away from
the sweets) Whew!!! E-mail me privately if you'd like to voice your opinion
to me, But I am baring my soul because I believe there are others who feel
the same way as me but perhaps are relectant to post a controversial
opinion.
— Fran B.
May 9, 2000
I have a 14 and she was not too happy about my surgery. However once she
saw the difference in my physical ability her attitude changed. After you
ahve your surgery Exercise together. Ride bikes together on the weekends.
take hiking trips! My daughter and sometimes her friends we take our dogs
hiking in the mountains or along the beach. I honestly think the biggest
help is to get your daughter into some counseling. Obviously weight is a
issue in your family as it is in mine
here is my e-mail [email protected] Feel free to contact me about
your surgery!
— Cathy D.
May 9, 2000
Hi! I too had to respond to this question. Like the others, I have a 12
year old daughter who is in a size 12 and a 16 year old daughter who is
about 20 to 30 pounds overweight. Neither of them said anything at the
time of surgery about me getting it except that my 16 year old said it was
drastic. Now, after losing 160 pounds and being down to a size 5, I hear
things from them all the time. I am smaller than both of them at this
point and both seem to think that I am too skinny. Yes, i truly believe
that there is jealousy working here but why not? your 15 year old is at an
age where she is supposed to look better than mom. In her eyes she won't.
You and I both know that that is untrue though. She is most likely young
and beautiful and if you are like me, you are aging gracefully :-)....My
oldest doesn't say much anymore but I know that she is very aware of her
weight. both children have great self esteem but, it bothers them just the
same. I think it bothers me more knowing that I have passed on this
"fat" gene to them and that possibly, in the future they will be
in the same boat as I was. I don't make a great deal about their weight
but when they say they want to lose, I am supportive of that. I honestly
don't know that there are any cut and dry answers except to say that they
all need to be in activities which afford them the opportunity to lose. I
think putting them on diets and so forth can and is, detremental sometimes
unless they want to do it themselves. Family counseling probably IS the
right answer although making a 15 year old go is a trial in itself
sometime. Certainly, don't EVER tell her that you think she is jealous.
she will deny it, and it is an insult to her I think in her mind. Hang in
there and I know that this letter is no help but just wanted you to know
that there are so many of us out here in the same boat.
— BARBARA R.
May 10, 2000
Hi I really sympathize with your position. It's not my daughter I worry
about tho she seems right now to be thin and beautiful. I was the child
who was overweight and at 12yrs old I weighed 168 and was around 5'2".
I got picked on constantly about it. By the time I was 15-16yrs old I
weighed around 150# but by standards I was still overweight. However I was
riding my bike over 30miles a day. Does your daughter engage in physical
activity? Maybe joining a team or riding to school events (don't know how
far away you live or the area), or to a friends house instead of driving,
may help get her moving. My dad just refused to take me everywhere so I
had to get there on my own if I wanted to go. Once I got over the fact I
had to get myself going, I really enjoyed it. Yes counseling is also a
good idea (I wanted to go as a 15yr old) just for someone impartial to talk
to who wouldn't get mad about my feelings or feel hurt by my words. I have
sent my 12 yr old when she was 10 and she is now asking to go again. It
gives an outlet for the rampant emotions as a teenager. Hope this helped.
Take care and I will be thinking of you and your daughter. Tammy
— Tamilyn12
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