Question:
HAS ANYBODY ELSE HAD TO DEAL WITH INSULTS FROM OTHER PEOPLE AFTER WEIGHT LOSS?
I had something happen to me a couple days ago that I'm really having a lot of trouble dealing with. I had open RNY on October 1, 2002. Pre-op I weighed 284 pounds. I am 5'6" and currently at 141 pounds, with a BMI of 22.8. While I don't look great (in my opinion) and haven't quite reached my goal weight of 130, I am at a normal weight and BMI for my height. I have the expected sagging skin and stretch marks, but I look at them as my "battle scars" and they are my daily reminder to never again allow myself to become morbidly obese. This year I am enjoying being able to wear shorts in the hot weather. After 43 years of suffering through having to wear long pants to cover the rolls of fat, it is nice to have a respite from the heat for a change. I don't wear the shorts to try to show off my legs or anything like that. It is strictly for comfort. Anyway, the other day I went with my daughter to her pre-natal appointment. When we walked into the doctor's office, I noticed a male and two females sitting in the waiting room. As I went to sit down, I heard the three of them giggling, then laughing out loud. After years of having people laugh at me because of my weight, I instinctively turned to see what they were laughing at. I then heard the male say "Some people just shouldn't wear shorts", to which one of the females responded "Especially when their legs look like that". It was obvious that it was me they were referring to, as my daughter and I were the only other people in the waiting area, and my daughter was not wearing shorts. My first instinct was to confront them, to scream at the top of my lungs to let them know the difficult journey I had been through. But, this was supposed to be a joyful day for my daughter, and the last thing I wanted to do was ruin it for her. I have had insults hurled at me regarding my weight all of my life, but these comments seemed to hurt more than any other I had ever received. My mind keeps telling me to let it go, to rejoice in my success so far, and to consider the source of the insults. But, my heart keeps saying "One of the reasons you had the surgery was to put a stop to words like this. Did you really go through all of this just to have people continue to make fun of you?" I know all about the positive physical aspects of having the surgery, and I keep trying to remind myself of all of the reasons I decided to have gastric bypass surgery. But, as all of you know all too well, the emotional impact of hearing words like this spoken about you cut so deep that it becomes difficult to look at the positive side of things. Has anybody else had to deal with the thoughtless, painful words of idiots like this after having worked so hard to lose your weight? How did you deal with it? And why do people feel they have the right to say things like this and hurt another human being this way? I hate being in this mode of self pity and want to get out of it. But right now, it's awfully hard to see the rainbows due to the rain. Any words of comfort would be GREATLY appreciated right now. Thanks so much, and lots of love to you all. — Sandra W. (posted on June 18, 2004)
June 17, 2004
I'm sorry that you had to endure comments like that. People are stupid.
That's the only reason I can give. Even after having plastic surgery to
repair the damage from being fat all my life, I will still have the stretch
marks and scars. I weigh 126 pounds and wear a size 4. For the first time
in 20 years I wore a tank top to a baseball game. I've had a modified
brachioplasty but there are still some scars that show behind the arm. I
also have nasty stretch marks on the inside of my arms. At the game, as
soon as I sat down, I heard the girl behind me tell her boyfriend to look
at the scar on the back of my arm. She said it loud enough for me to hear.
I SO wanted to turn around and just rail on her!! But I just made a VERY
loud comment about people making STUPID comments and they should probably
shut up if they REALLY didn't want to make me angry. About 5 minutes later
they got up and moved down the row!! I figure if your going to be THAT
stupid to make a comment about someone so that they can hear you, you
deserve to get railed on. I didn't have to say anything directly to her,
she got my point. I know I will always have to endure some comment at some
time or another but I look at the POSITIVE comments I get and try to ignore
the negative ones. I get by FAR more positive then negative. I wish you
the best of luck.
— Patty H.
June 17, 2004
I am truly sorry you had to cross paths with such ignorant people.
I would venture to say that you look better than even you realize. I am
5'3" and my starting weight was 282.
I have only lost 94 lbs at two weeks from 1st anniversary date.
My personal goal is 140. My legs are dimpled, but much smaller than they
ever were.
As part of my Valentine's gift, my Husband went to Walmart and bought me a
pair of jean short shorts, he calls biker babe shorts.
I know you must feel proud of yourself.
If your Husband is like mine, he will think you look great too.
Who else matters?
This was a horrible incident that will eventually be forgotten. Just kep
your focus on how wonderful you feel and keep wearing the shorts!
— Sunshine
June 17, 2004
((((Hugs)))) to you. They were rude, ignorant, nasty people. That is just
appalling. I guess we shouldn't be surprised though. When I was MO I had
a man bark at me once in front of my children, and someone confronted me
once in a department store to share how he felt about me size. If that
type of people exist, there's no reason that they wouldn't condemn anyone
who didn't measure up to their standard of perfect, fat or thin. They're
still out there, even though we lost the weight. I'm so sorry you had to
go through that.
— mom2jtx3
June 17, 2004
I'm so sorry you had to endure that. On the plus side, you can get your
legs fixed, but (them) acting like asses is forever.
— Yolanda J.
June 17, 2004
I forgot to mention. Yes, my dad gives me backhanded 'compliments' all the
time. 'Well, you finally look half-way decent.' Um, thanks?
— Yolanda J.
June 17, 2004
Rude and ignorant people are everywhere. A co-worker told me this story
just recently: My co-worker's daughter was in a grocery store with her 4
year old daughter. The child was eating a donut while they were waiting in
the checkout line. A man behind her smiled and said,"I don't think she
needs many more donuts!" referring to her chubby 4 year old. Her
mother turned to the man and said, "I will let her have whatever she
wants to eat right now. She has been battling cancer, and there was a time
when I spent hours trying to get a spoonful of food into her, then watch it
come back up. She is quite chubby from the medications she is taking right
now." The man had nothing else to say.(If he had looked a little
closer, he might have seen that the child had no hair sticking out from
under her hat - maybe a clue something besides a fat kid was eating a
donut). I think you should just forget about those ignorant people.
— koogy
June 18, 2004
You should have looked straight at them, said "You're right, and some
people shouldn't be allowed to breed, so I guess we're all
rule-breakers."
— SteveColarossi
June 18, 2004
I'm with the others - I would have confronted it. Most people who are
opening rude do so because they expect to stay in control of the situation,
belittle you and get the "upper hand". They don't expect you to
respond - when you respond, in most cases they back off and some even
realize that they are jack-asse*.
— M B.
June 18, 2004
The ignorance of some people just amazes me. If people in this world would
keep their stupid comments to themselves and just be nice to people, we
would all be healthier and happier. Keep your chin up. Comments from
these idiots are not worth getting you down. We are all supposed to be
God's children. Can you immagine how disappointed he must get sometimes?
— jennifer S.
June 18, 2004
Sandra,
I'm so sorry you had to experience that. Some people should not be allowed
out of the house and of course, I mean THOSE people, not you! :) I can
only imagine how hurt you must have been. There's absolutely no excuse for
their loathesome behavior. The only advice I have for you is to remember
that people who are happy with themselves don't feel the need to be hateful
to others. If a person is rude or hateful or nasty it's because they don't
feel good about themselves. I just have to remember when encountering
these oafs that living in the skin of someone who would be so ugly to
another person must be a miserable existence. You are the bigger, better
person and you can be proud of that! BIG hug to you!
— [Deactivated Member]
June 18, 2004
I have learned, through my years and years of being fat, then thin, then
fat, then thin, and so on, that creepy people will ALWAYS find something to
make fun of. There are just some rotten people in the world. We people
who have dealt with self-consciousness all our lives are hyper-sensitive to
it, but everyone, I believe, has to cope with it from these jerks. I wish
I had words of wisdom to make it easier to take, but I think that perhaps
the best you can do is to recognize that even women with
"perfect" bodies will be criticized about what they wear, the way
they wear their make-up, hair, etc. Mean people will be mean. I am sure
that you look great. I can't wait to wear shorts, loose skin and all!
Congratulations on your triumph!
— Patience V.
June 18, 2004
Sometimes people always have something to say about others to take the
attention off of themselves. I've gotten to the point where it doesn't
matter what people think or say about me. It is what I think and say about
them that counts. Keep your head high.
— Sharon T.
June 18, 2004
I probably would have confronted them too. To do otherwise gives them
license to continue to be rude to others, because if not confronted, they
think they can get away with it. If I hear someone make a fat person
comment or a fat joke, I also speak up. I would have looked up and said
"excuse me, do I know you". When the rude person replies no,I
would have said "good, because I really don't want to know anyone so
rude" or "what gives you the right to comment on my body?"
or "I bet you were in the bully in the school yard, weren't you?"
— Cindy R.
June 18, 2004
First Congradulations on you success!second i learned long ago.you cant
change what people say to you ..the only thing you can change is how you
react to it. yes those people were mean and hateful and totaly out of line.
i too would have been upset. i might have turned to them calmly and
asked" excuse me, are you talking to me? that might have stoped them
in their tracks..they might have said what they did because they would get
away. or i might have said "im sorry you feel that way... you have a
nice day" that sure wouldnt be the answer they expect. they wanted to
get your goat. you dont end hate with more hate. Take a deep breath and let
it go. All the best! Tracey :fairy:
— traceybubbles
June 18, 2004
No matter how much you accomplish there are some people out there who are
just plain mean. Your weight may be gone but they will find something else
to make fun of. Maybe next time they will make fun of your hair, clothes,
or even the way you walk. We all here know how much this hurts. You were
a better person by keeping the day special for your daughter.
— Cameron Van Winkle
June 18, 2004
I'm so sorry you had to deal with such awful people. Sad, but true, we
will always encounter these "types" if its not our legs it could
be our race, gender, religion, age, the home we live in, etc. I developed
a very tough skin in my early years to comments about my weight and height,
it was a battle of dealing with comments from teachers, parents, kids. I
modeled right up until my WLS wearing a size 34, the comments from male
watching the shows were the most positive Some women just couldnt
understand why anyone would want to see a plus size women, let alone put
her in a successful job. I may have been MO, but I learned to love myself
before I had WLS. The hurt was so intense and the counseling so expensive.
We cant control these people, just go on with our lives and be the best
that we can be. I thank God I had the surgery and extended my life and
definetly improved the quality of my life. I am so proud of you, you have
done a wonderful job. Blow it off,(which is very hard), you are beautiful
and have always been beautiful...fat or thin and I think that's something
we all need to remember and apply to others in our lives. Our new bodies
are important the tucks and the surgeries but most of all its who we are
and who we can be!
— debmi
June 18, 2004
Sandra,
Ask yourself why you would even grace these jerks with a second of your
precious new life. They are definitely not worth it. I have an internal
thing I tell myself, "Be a duck and let it roll right off your
feathers". Everything evens out in the end and we don't have to help
that along, it is just a natural law of the universe. More than likely,
these people were trying to redirect some internal issue with themselves so
that nobody would notice their flaws. Another thing to consider is when is
the last time you heard somebody make fun of somebody missing a limb or
other extreme defect? So it must not be that bad or they would not have
said anything. I am thrilled to hear of your success and I have NEVER worn
shorts. I am 43 and live in Texas. When I wear a bathing suit, I wear a
long tank top over it. I tried it on the other day (to swim in my mother's
pool which is the only place I will go) and the tank top is too tight this
year. I hope to be where you are some day and they can make as much fun of
me as they like!!!!! Dawn
— Dawn D.
June 20, 2004
HUGS! "Mean People Suck" - have you ever seen that bumper
sticker? It's just so sad that people are so insecure in themselves that
they feel the need to be mean to others - even strangers. I'm very sorry
that you had to have that happen and it just goes to show, jerkey people
are just JERKS no matter what. People have said some awesome things in
response (and whoo hooo, thank you to all for giving me more ideas for my
repertoire of "come backs", LOL!!!) You've worked hard! You look
awesome! Don't let rude people get you down. You are so much better and
so much wiser than they are. You shine, while they spend their lives
rotting in their own foul stink!
HUGS!
— w8free
June 20, 2004
Ooo, and I wanted to add my favorite almost "all-purpose"
comeback - "Wow, so old and you still haven't learned any
manners??" and then you can either take the high road and stop or lay
into them and leave, LOL! When I'm feeling petty I can't resist but say
something mean about them - but that's not right either. Sometimes I can't
help it ;-) I rationalize it by thinking that well - people need a taste
of their own medicine and maybe that will help them think twice before
speaking like that again. He he, "It takes a village to raise a
child", so go ahead and if you feel like it, take the opportunity to
try and teach good manners - even if it falls on deaf ears!
Take care!
— w8free
June 20, 2004
Sandra, did you really think that by having the surgery, you won't be
confronted by ignorant, stupid and dumb people? These people would find
someone or something else to laugh at regardless. I've been on both sides
of the spectrum of thin - to overweight, and guess what - same idiots I ran
into when I was thin are the same idiots I ran into when I was obese. Be
your own person - if you were comfortable in your clothes DO NOT WORRY
about what others think. Of course, there are clothes even thin people
cannot wear, but I think most people in all sizes enjoy shorts in the
summer.
— Anna M.
June 21, 2004
HI EVERYBODY! I justed wanted to take a moment to thank everyone who has
responded to my question. You have no idea how much your caring responses
have helped me. Your willingness to share your time, suggestions and
encouragement, as well as your own painful experiences, has touched my
heart and soul. I knew, from reading other postings on this website, that
the members here were special people. Your support of me during this
difficult time has not only reaffirmed my belief in this, but has also
given me the strength to pull myself out of my slump and be able to hold my
head up high again. I want to give all of you a GREAT BIG BEAR HUG, and
wish everyone continued success throughout the rest of your lives. Again,
thank you from the bottom of my heart!
— Sandra W.
June 21, 2004
Asses are EVERYWHERE!! We went to a favorite Italian restaurant recently
and the manager there weighs about 450-500lbs. While we were in line a guy
came in and made a comment that he proably was back there eating everything
in the kitchen. This made me extremely angry. I told him that I had
recently had WLS myself to lose weigh, and that I used to be quite larger
myself. I told him that when he makes comments about others that are big,
he is also making fun of me and that he didn't even realize the HELL that
it is being large in life and having to put up with ASSES LIKE HIMSELF!!!
He insisted that he hadn't been talking about me, but I continued to let
him have it. MY husband wanted me to stop and come on, but then I realized
that he was drunk and probably even wouldn't remember the conversation. I
felt like he was an ass and wasn't even worthy of my continued attention. I
did tell my husband that if someone was rude enough to say something like
that, then I would be obliged to REAM them a new one!!! He knows this is a
sore subject with me, and hopes he doesn't have to be with me if it happens
again. He agreed that people are rude, nasty and evil and that FAT
DISCRIMINATION is the last thing that is O.K. to make fun of in America. My
husband is finally starting to see what we've had to put up with all of our
lives. He says just to ignore it, but once you've lived it (like most of us
have), it is a different story. Sorry to be so long, but I was hoping to be
able to put something on here about this, but just didn't know exactly what
to put it under. (How about "Asses in America Stories"??
LOL!!!!!!!!
— bufordslipstick
June 24, 2004
Sarah, My mom many years ago, when I was young and less obese than I am
now(still waiting for my surgery approval) used to tell me when I was upset
to "consider the source" I have since grown up and unfortunately
out and am many days made fun of and when I am in a bad mood, I do let them
have it with my own ignorant comments, but it will not change them. Just
remember, beauty is skin deep, but ignorance goes clear to the bone. To
devil with them, they will answer to someone much higher one day.
— imdebbie
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