Question:
I don't want to tell anyone that I am having WLS is this fair?
— abby13079 (posted on August 9, 2003)
August 8, 2003
Be fair to yourself first. If your husband was having a vasectomy woud you
tell everyone? Probably not. Why? Because it is you own personal private
business if you so choose to keep it that way. I told very few people and
for the same reasons as you; I did not want to hear their negative words.
You do what you are comfortable with and only tell those who will offer
support. This is NOT an easy way out. The first couple of months can be
VERY tough so you really don't need that around you at all. In this case
what they don't know can't hurt you. Hee hee. Good Luck!!
— Carol S.
August 8, 2003
I completely understand I'm not telling many people either.my best friend
and MY family know. None of my hubbys family knows,my weight has been a
butt of their jokes for 10 yrs. We dont see them very often so im looking
forward to that jaw dropping reaction I will get each time they see me...if
they knew I was having surgery there would be more "jokes" and no
jaw dropping(lol). This is your buisness and if your not comfortable then
dont tell anyone. My dh family knows im having surgery but not
WLS..gallbladder, which isnt a complete lie i MAY have it out..I know
people say be proud your making this choice and its not that we arent BUT
sometimes its harder on us with the family we have. best of luck to
you...love
— cinamoni
August 8, 2003
What could possibly be unfair about keeping your medical history private.
It is nobodies business unless you choose to tell them.
— **willow**
August 9, 2003
My family and my best friend knows (and her family because she had the
surgery as well). Other than that, no one knows including people I have
been friends with for a long time. I am not my surgery. I don't want it
to be a topic of conversation with everyone I know. It's a private thing
and a personal matter. I think it's your right to reveal as much or as
little as you please.
— susanje
August 9, 2003
It is your personal descision. Fair is not an issue in that. We must be
fair to ourselves first. Don't feel that"giving into surgery" is
a short comming. You are doing what is good for you. Good Lux
— Robert L.
August 9, 2003
Its a very personal decision, and perfectly ok if that's how you feel. BUT,
that said, (again a personal decision) I almost feel as if I've become an
ambassador for WLS, and have freely told anyone and everyone and feel darn
proud of my accomplishments. You've got to do whatever makes YOU
comfortable. There is no right or wrong. Much luck, Linda
— lorien
August 9, 2003
This is an issue with me too. I'm on a waiting list to have a consult with
a surgeon, so I'm not as far along in the process as you are.
I told my husband that I don't want anyone (outside of close, close family)
knowing that I had the surgery. If you do a search on the library here
you'll find lots of similar postings that are encouraging as well.
— Debbie P.
August 9, 2003
I'm not for lying...it always seems to crop back up and bite you in the
butt! Know what I mean? However, I do understand how one could want this
to be a personal and private decision. I'm thinkin' here that the family
IS going to put two and two together. Why not just adjust YOUR attitude on
this whole thing. Who the heck cares if they think the 'surgery' did it
for you. The fact is, it will get done and you will be healthier and
happier. Isn't that your MAIN goal? It really shouldn't matter how
someone else looks at the means you have chosen to get this most important
job done. I think so many people are just plain jealous of the fact
someone loses weight. Not matter the 'means'. I know once my sister went
to Weight Watchers and lost 100 pounds. I hated it when she would start
talking about it. It made me feel so guilty and I was just plain envious
she accomplished something I could not. I was happy for her deep down
inside, but I just couldn't get past 'ME'. And it wasn't about 'ME'!!!
I have had total support all along, but I can see a touch of jealousy in
the faces of some who are strugling with weight loss issues. This is THIER
problem. This WLS is no trip to the park. It's STILL work and it STILL
takes willpower. It is not a magic solution. Good luck to you. Open RNY
10/30/02 down 183 and DARN proud of it! ;)
— Ginger M.
August 9, 2003
I am not one for supporting lying, but my family outside husband and three
kids will give me alot of grief. I came from an iffy background which is
why i have problems today, and I have made a very thought out decision and
do not want to hear them judge me. When the time is near I will tell them
I am having stomache surgery. they will figure it out eventially and by
then they can not harm me with unpleasant words. Unfortunatly i care way
to much what peoplw think of me and that would put extra baggage on me that
I don't need good luck with your decisions and progress.Sue
— susan B.
August 9, 2003
One of the important things, at least for me, has been how I was able to
keep all the details "under the radar" until I felt assured
enough that everything was going to work as I planned for it too. I told
only my immediate family, one or two good friends, and of course, my
partner. Due to a complication, I was out of work 8 weeks. When I
returned to work (I told no one prior to leaving)42 pounds lighter,
everyone was very gracious and respected my privacy. The party line was
generally, "Welcome back, you look great, how are you feeling?"
Over time, folks started noticing the weight loss, and merely praised,
"You're looking great." I agree, there is a bunch of ignorance
about this life-saving procedure and I have been relunctant to share with
some folks whom I perceive to have less than genuine intentions. In my
experience, with women in particular, are jealous and catty, and may probe
about the changes without really being concerned or glad for our success.
With respect to other obese individuals whom I encounter, I do share with
them how I came to my decision and how it's been the best thing I've ever
done. Ultimately though, this decision is your private business and you owe
no one anything...don't allow yourself to be put into a defensive mode.
Happy losing...
— Kimberly L. A.
August 9, 2003
You must do what you feel is best for you. This is a question I also
thought about. Then I heard a story about a teacher who didn't want to
tell her students about the surgery she was having. It was then pointed
out to her that her students might think she was very ill and dying. I
decided that I don't want people to think I am ill but that I am losing the
weight because of something I chose to do. My surgery date is in 09/2003
and I have been shouting it from the rooftops that I am excited. My
friends, family, and co-workers have been very supportive of my decision.
Although there have been a few negative remarks there are far more positive
remarks. And it's not like we, the obese, have not been subjects of hurtful
remarks before. Good luck what ever your decision.
— Mary H.
August 9, 2003
i fully agree with carol. it is not is fair or unfair. it's your private
PERSONAL medical information. doctors can't even talk about your
information without your concent. you are lucky to be in the same situation
as i am, my family is far away. why tell them anything at all. if you make
up an illness or other medical problem and decide in the furture to tell
them they are going to be upset. soooooo why tell them anything? get your
surgery done and don't say a word. alot of people who have had wls tell
everyone and that is wonderful. BUT it is their CHOICE. MY choice is to
keep my info to myself. i am not ashamed of having wls and i'm not ashamed
of having a pap smear either but i dont' go telling everyone about it.
having wls is one of the hardest things i will ever have to do. and while i
think it is great that some people like to shout it from the roof tops(i
wouldn't have gotten such great help if they didn't)i choose not to. not
because i am embarrassed, but because i have lived 10 years with a shell of
fat around my body. when i would walk into a room people would see my fat
before they would even get the chance to know me. i just moved where i am
living now and i don't know alot of people. i have yet to meet the people
my husband works with(my choice) and i want them to get to know me...not
greet me and say "ohhh you must be the one who had the weightloss
surgery". everyone is so obsessed with losing wieght, it is all we see
in magazines and on tv. so even if they don't greet me that way, they will
be thinking it.and trust me if you make your wls common Knowledge then
even people who don't know you will ask you questions about it. i have to
be able to be strong for myself right now, i don't want to be a
spokesperson for wls. later on i might decide to talk about it, but right
now i need to concentrate on me. AND WHAT REALLY MAKES ME MADE is people
who have had wls making other people feel guilty for not wanting to tell
their person information. they. they will tell you things like "don't
be embarrassed or ashamed". ohhhhhhh THEY should feel ashamed and
trying to make you feel pressured into telling private information. I THINK
IT IS YOUR CHOICE. only you can make that choice. AND NOBODY SHOULD MAKE
YOU FEEL BADLY FOR NOT TELLING! best of luck to you
— franbvan
August 9, 2003
I made the mistake of telling the people I work with. Now I wish I would
have made up something. "Why don't you just diet", "Your
taking the easy way out", are a few of the responses I have recieved.
I know that the word has spread in my office because people I don't even
really talk to know about it. I never thought that people would not
understand! It is no ones business what you do. If you don't feel
comfortable telling then don't.
— Kara J.
August 9, 2003
I did not want anyone to know except for the people closest to me because I
didn't want to deal with attitudes like that. Everyone I've told has been
very supportive but there are always people out there who will say we took
the easy way out. My answer to that would be that surgery is NEVER easy,
it is radical and it is life-threatening. Add to that the discipline we
have to cultivate by learning to eat properly and safely for the rest of
our lives. Easy???? NO! But this is a step you are taking for your
health, and it is an incredibly BRAVE step. And what is the alternative?
Stay obese and die from the complications? Who cares HOW we lose the
weight as long as we do and become healthier people who will live longer,
happier lives? You must do what is best for you - don't let anyone make
you feel like a failure because you want surgery. At least you are doing
something to make your life better. For that you deserve support,
encouragement and lots of hugs!!! <End of rant> God bless you and
best of luck to you! Jody :)
— MomBear2Cubs
August 9, 2003
A few suggestions from personal experience... There are only two people
that know about my surgery-my husband and my mother(I only told her because
I would need help with my children). All of my family live very close. I
had my surgery in the winter time and just disappeared for 4 days. No one
asked any questions. My husband did not answer the phone and I only
returned messages when I got home. I just told people that I had been sooo
busy (and I was!!) I was able to pull it off without a hitch, no one
knew!!! If your family lives that far away, why would they even need to be
told anything??? My children at that time were 13, 4,4, and 8 months. I did
NOT tell them I was going to the hospital. Kids will inadvertently say
something at a later date like, " Mom remember when you were at the
hospital....." My children were only told that mom was "on a
trip". I was gone from Monday to Thursday. My husband and mom kept
their routine the same. It was really easy. I didn't talk about it much, at
all. My recovery was also kept quiet. I didn't mention my pain, show my
scar or talk about my different eating patterns. . I was able to take care
of their basic needs when I got back, and frankly they didin't notice
anything different. I did have help lifting my 8 month old. Just a few
thoughts... If you don't want to ask your children to keep a secret (which
I think is unfair), don't put them in the position of knowing anything!!!
Now that I am 2 1/2 years post op and life is normal, I am so glad that
this is how I handled my surgery time. No one knows including my children.
Good luck! Shelley
— Shelley.
August 9, 2003
Nothing wrong with not telling and there's nothing wrong with telling. I
chose to tell everyone that asked. We as a society are so consumed with
"what will people think". Personally I didn't care what people
thought. I was doing it for me and to recovery my health. So what if
people say something you don't agree with. So what if people say "why
don't you diet"? Live your life for yourself and those you love--not
other people's opinions. You have to do what's right for you--no matter
what anyone thinks.
— Cathy S.
August 9, 2003
Hi Julie,
This can be such a "hot button" topic. However, this is easy. Do
what's best for yourself and your family. It dsn't matter what I or anyone
else did or didn't do. We're not in your situation and everyone's
different. It's okay to take care of yourself and not be a care taker for
the rest of the family. If you feel comfortable telling people you're going
away then say that. If your comfortable telling them you had some other
issue than go ahead. Just make sure you and your husband have the same
story. Is your gall bladder being removed at the same time? If so, there
you go. Then, when people ask about the weight loss tell 'em you've been
changing your diet and eating habits. Which, you will be doing. Best of
luck with whatever you decide. Remember, you don't have to take care of or
please anyone else in this. Just you!!!!!
— Linda M.
August 9, 2003
The only thing I have to add is once you tell, you can't take it back. Then
it snowballs by this one tells this one and so on. I learned the hard way
and I tried to keep it private.
— ZZ S.
August 9, 2003
My hubby just told people at work he was having abdominal surgery and left
it at that. People usually don't inquire further if it is stately firmly
and quietly. They realize your intent on privacy from this very mild,
blanket statement. As far as family, in your situation, I wouldn't bother
telling them anything more than abdominal surgery, either. If they persist,
tell them it's female oriented, and that should shut anyone up... if not,
just tell them you would rather not go into it and leave it at that! :~)
Good Luck!! I know what dealing with family can be like!! LOL! Hugs!
— Sharon m. B.
August 9, 2003
How stupid and insenstive can some people be?? Sorry.... You hit on one of
my few soap box topics. Anyone who has ever had this surgery will say that
it's not been a cake walk..... Ok, now that I have that out of the way, the
decision to tell or not to tell is your decision alone. It's your (and your
DH's) life. Me personaly, I tell those who I want to know, and everyone
else, I just tell that it's personal, and I don't want to talk about it.
Most leave it at that. I just end the converstation with the persistant
ones. There is also no harder task than dealing with so called supportive
family... Good luck, and God bless!!
— mellyhudel
August 9, 2003
You should do what is best for you. That being said, I told only very
close friends and immediate family pre-op. For multiple reasons, I told NO
ONE at my work. Post-op, as the weight fell off, I ran into a problem at
work. People thought I was losing the weight through dieting. Suddenly, I
found myself becoming a poster child for dieting. Everyone started talking
about how someone really could lose weight (like me) if they just tried
hard enough! I felt so guilty and horrible! Finally, I told them that it
wasn't through dieting. That I'd had some metabolic problems that had been
corrected. At least that way, I wasn't perpetuating the dieting myth!
Outside of work, I told everyone.... especially after I'd lost a LOT of
weight. It felt much better to tell, post-op. Eventually, I've changed
jobs. If it ever comes up at my new job, I'll tell them about the WLS. It
feels really good to be able to tell others, if they ask, about what really
happened to me.
— Kathy J.
August 9, 2003
If you don't tell people that you are having wls...just keep in mind that
down the road people will ask you how you are losing weight so fast and
they will ask =) Some people find that if they answer that question with
only half the truth like "eating high protein,exercising etc....that
they feel guilty for lying by omission.
— jennifer A.
August 9, 2003
I have to agree with Cathy 100%. I do think it is such a personal decision
who you tell and who you don't tell. I think I've made some good decisions
on who I've told. They've mostly been supportive and understanding. The
only exception is my brother, who is a tad unhappy and M.O. himself.
Unbelievably, he is the only one who has told me I'm taking the easy way
out. We're on a break right now, but I'm sure we'll be speaking again soon!
:0) GL to you!!!
— SweetDragonfly
August 10, 2003
I agree it is a personal thing and you can choose to keep it to yourself or
tell. I don't feel you would be lying if you don't tell anyone in your
family. I have started the process of WLS and I truly do not want my family
to know except my kids who stay with me. If and when I have the surgery I
will tell no-one. My family can be so critical of everything and they
choose to understand what they want as long as it benefits them in some
way. I am doing this for me. I have many health problems that need to be
gone to make me better so I can live longer. If you knew my family you
would understand why i do not want them to know.
— mspisces
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