Question:
You look too thin, promise me that you are not going to lose anymore weight
Ok I get this comment all the time anymore and it drives me crazy. I am 5'5 and 154.5 pounds. Hardly an anorexic size 14: I have yet to meet one. Last time someone said this to me, I stated that I never heard them tell me that I needed to stop gaining weight when I was heavy and then asked them "didn't you care about me then." I'd really like a wittier response to the invasive comments, without resorting to rudeness. Any ideas? — Rhonda V. (posted on July 31, 2003)
July 31, 2003
I have also gotten a lot of comments about my weight loss. Most have been
very encouraging and kind but there are always the "nosies" who
ask really personal, rude questions. I actually had someone ask me if I
had cancer because I was losing weight so fast! I finally have learned to
look the rude people right in the eye and say, "Wow, that is a REALLY
personal question...and I don't think it's any of your business."
When I say it in a nice voice with a nice smile, it gets the point across
pretty well. There will always be rude people who think it is their
business to know all about you and tell you how to live your life. I just
don't put up with it anymore and I'm not afraid to tell people they are
being rude. You don't have to be witty - just honest! Good luck! Jody :)
— MomBear2Cubs
July 31, 2003
How about "Thanks for your concern. I am working closely with my
doctor, so both he and I will decide when I am at a healthy weight."
It's not cute or flip, but it does tell people they are not qualified to
judge.
— LMCLILLY
July 31, 2003
Rhonda, I love your response to people asking about your weight! How
original. One of these days I may have to borrow it =) I get told all the
time not to lose any more. "You don't want to get too skinny, do
you?" Ugh! I'm 5'3" and about 135. I'm HARDLY underweight, and
I plan to lose another 10 still. I think it's just so shocking for those
that knew us before to see us this thin since it's such a drastic change.
So far the people who ask me are people I know care about me so I just tell
them I'm almost done and not to worry. It is a little bit irritating to be
asked about it though, as though we don't know where are bodies should be.
Maybe they think if we were 'dumb' enough to get that heavy to begin with
then we aren't smart enough to know when we've lost enough, either.
— KelBurt
July 31, 2003
I agree with Lisa C about a polite but pointed response to acquaintances.
However, I've had this problem with my boyfriend (and I weigh 220 pounds,
size 18/20--nowhere near thin!). He says he's always liked big girls, and
since all symptoms of my diabetes and high blood pressure have gone away, I
must be healthy, so to please stop losing weight. I don't intend to try to
stop for at least another 50 pounds. I finally had to tell him that this
wasn't about him, what he likes, what he wants. It's about me, what I
need, what I want; love me for me, not my size. He was not supportive of
surgery from the beginning, and this will continue to be a problem for us.
So, your response may vary depending on your relationship with the person
making the comment.
— Vespa R.
July 31, 2003
I get tired of "So how much have you lost so far?"... I don't
know how to take it... and it's like not the only thing important in my
life and I'd like to move on from it, this (WLS) has become my identity and
I hate that.
— MF
July 31, 2003
I know exactly what you mean! I am 5'5", have lost 118 lbs and I am
at about 125 now, wear from a 4-8 (depending on the brand) a woman at work
and my husband say the same thing. I feel so great when I loose another
pound, but now I can't share that because all I hear is: "You need to
stop. You can't loose anymore." I know they are concerned for me, but
I am fine, be happy for me.
— Penny D.
July 31, 2003
How about asking them when they are going to stop speaking without
thinking. Gurrrr.
— Amber L.
July 31, 2003
I get this all the time too!!! I can't understand why it is suddenly ok to
critique my appearance now that I've had surgery. Things are said to me
now that would NEVER have been acceptable before I lost any weight. I think
people forget that I'm only 5'3" so 125 is very normal. I asked my
surgeon about this on Monday.He said that since people only know me as fat,
to them that must be what healthy looks like. He also said to tell them
that if they are that concerned with my weight loss and think I look too
thin, he will be glad to tell them that I am in the normal range for my
height. Someone else told me that women are their own worst enemies - if
you are attractive, intelligent but fat, no one sees you as a threat. BUT
if you are suddenly attractive, intelligent AND thin then other women don't
like the competiton. I say just be proud of how much you've lost and
ignore the nasty comments - (easier said than done, I know!!!)
— redheadtedd
July 31, 2003
i think you are getting this comment for people who know you and who are
used to seeing you overweight. i don't think that a stranger off the street
would look at you and say "wow she is really too thin". there was
a lady i worked with who lost 110 pounds and it was a shock too see her at
a normal weight and she wasn't underweight either. but because she lost all
that weight she didn't even look like "her" anymore(if ya know
what i mean). so that might be why they are saying something.
— franbvan
July 31, 2003
I GET THIS ALL THE TIME TOO! THE PEOPLE WHO KNEW ME WHEN I WAS HEAVY ALWAYS
SAW WOW DONT YOU THINK YOU ARE LOOSING TOO MUCH WEIGHT? I EXPLAIN TO THEM
THAT AT 5'9 AND 160LBS I LOOK ALOT SMALLER THAN I AM BECAUSE OF MY HEIGHT.
I ALSO TELL THEM THAT WHEN MY BODY GETS TO ITS COMFORTABLE WEIGHT IT WILL
STOP ON ITS OWN. THERE IS NOTHING THAT I CAN DO TO CONTROL IT.
— Stephanie B.
August 1, 2003
I found that it depends on who is saying it. My husband likes me where I
am at right now (but he's no expert, he liked me at 283 lbs....LOL). A
close friend of mine called my husband, because she was concerned that I
was losing to much. At first, I was really angry, but I realized that she
just sees the small amount that I eat per meal. She wasn't focusing on the
fact that I eat 3-5 times a day and 1-2 protein shakes. We have since
talked about it and it boiled down to the fact that she had heard negative
comments from others regarding the surgery and then to add to it we had
only talked over the phone for 4-5 months, so when we ran into each other
at the store, it was a shock for her to see me this size (the smallest size
she ever saw me was an 18) and now I was an 8. I'm sure that I did look
gaunt to her. But since then we have talked and she is ok, she had heard
alot of negative (and incorrect) statements from someone at her workplace
(kidney failure-liver disease-starvation-premature death rate.....all the
BS people against WLS promote) The one person I was expecting to hear the
old "Are you done losing yet...?" was my grandmother. I hadn't
seen her since I was a size 22, we had our family re-union and when I
walked in she said, "Oh my, Dana is back. That's the Dana I remember,
you look just like you did in high school." I was on cloud nine.
— Dana B.
August 1, 2003
I get this all the time, but only from people who have known me since
before surgery. I'm 5'2" at 148 and in a size 10-12. I'd agree my
shoulders and collarbone areas look pretty thin, which is what I think most
people are focusing on, but I still have more to lose in the belly, hips
and thighs before I'll actively try to just maintain. I pretty much just
tell people now that I am not actively trying to lose weight though do
still drop a few pounds now and then and that it is gradually tapering off
and will stop on it's own when my body is ready.
— Melissa F.
August 1, 2003
I think several posters hit it right: people who knew us heavy are now
seeing us in comparison to our former selves so we seem much thinner to
them than we really are. I suspect people who meet us now for the first
time might have a very different perception from the ones who knew us
heavy. I'm 5'4" and currently 152 pounds and wearing 14-16. When
people I know well say things like "you must be done losing," or
"you look like you're at goal" I sometimes tell them I'd still
like to lose another 30 pounds (true). But weight can be awfully variable:
I know a lot of people who are my weight or heavier but who wear a much
smaller size. It really depends on frame size, muscle tone, things like
that. So now I tell people that I'm in a size 16 and would love to get
down to a size 12, but that I'm feeling great and I'll be perfectly happy
even if I don't lose any more weight, as long as I don't start re-gaining.
Most people seem very surprised at my clothing size, they think I look
smaller than that. I don't know whether it's the comparison with how I
used to be (a size 32!) or the somewhat gaunt look you get for a while. So
far I'm still heavy enough that no one seems to think I'm in danger of
anorexia! The people who get my dander up are the ones who ask how many
pounds I've lost, and who get persistent if I give an evasive answer. How
rude! But fortunately that's been pretty rare.
— Celia A.
August 1, 2003
Rhonda, don't you just HATE it when people say that!!It really bothers me!
I've listened to it so much, trying to not offend my friends (who still, by
the way say that they don't have a problem being obese and are happy with
themselves-LIARS!!). I've simply tolerated it for some time, that now I'm
at the point when my responses are more like, "__________(add their
name here), I think you are worrying about the wrong thing(s)". In
essence and in the back of my mind, I REALLY want to say, "while you
are so busy watching me, you should really pay attention with what you are
putting in your mouth every 2 minutes and find out what YOU can do so that
your legs and ankles won't look as though they are going to bust". But
I know that sounds harsh and offensive, and because I KNOW mental and
emotional pain, I re-word what I need to say so that it won't
"bite" so hard. You all know that we have a history of clamming
up and not saying anything to people who's focus is on us, when they should
be doing something about themselves and their medical condition(s). Anyone
else feel this way? Everything was fine with them as long as I was fat,
depressed, having labored breathing spells, sweating profusely with little
effort, and forcing food in my mouth when I wasn't even hungry. WOW!! Am I
glad that someone introduced me to this website!! Now I have a REAL
LIFE...and have learned that I can respond tosome folks' aggravating
comments sweetly and well-refined without being overtly rude! Thank you,
AMOS/ObesityHelp.com Community!
— yourdivaness
August 1, 2003
I had a GROUP of people at work telling me the same thing. I just calmly
said, the last time I weighted this (155 and 5 feet tall) that I was 8
months pregnant with my 1st born child. and that I would hope that my goal
would be some thing less than my near to full term pregnancy weight. it
shut them up. I don't think it was really rude, or at least not as rude as
my first instinct (carefully held back) that my weight is nobody's f-ing
business but mine.
— **willow**
August 1, 2003
I agree with everyone here that says these people are just used to seeing
us very overweight so anything smaller seems too small. The way I got
around it with my sister was that I asked her at what weight does she
consider her "fat weight". For her it is 160 (she's never ever
had a weight problem). So I said, "if you thinks that's too much for
you, why should I be happy at a weight even higher than that?" She
didn't have a good answer and hasn't brought it up since.
— Ali M
August 2, 2003
I'm getting comments like that now that I'm at goal too. I agree with the
other poster that people aren't used to seeing us thin or normal, so we
look SOOOO different to them. And they get nervous (or jealous). Anyway,
I just assume they are nervous, and I respond accordingly. So, I say
something like, "I guess I look really different to you now!" or
"I'm very happy with where I am now." I NEVER discuss my weight
or how much more I want to lose with anyone other than really close friends
whom I trust. Everyone else, I just smile and nod and do whatever the hell
I want. It's not my job to convince them to agree with what I'm doing with
my body!
— Kathy J.
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