Question:
Dating Post-Op

I was thinking today. I am 23 yrs old. I am still preop. I go for surgery August 19. And still being young, I will be out dating alot. For the post-ops who are still dating, do you find yourself asking yourself if the person you are on a date with or dating would have still dated you if you were still overweight?? I wonder if this is going to be a problem for me because it will be in the back of my mind.    — Shavonne P. (posted on July 30, 2002)


July 30, 2002
I understand your concern. I am 5 months post-op, down 102 lbs, and have been dating a wonderful man since I was 3 1/2 mos. post-op. I did not tell him about the surgery until last week. I wanted to wait and get to know him before I told him. I took the time to learn his views on weight issues, and to see if he is prejudice against overweight people or if he made fun or snide comments. He never did, and if he had, I would have ended the relationship. On dates, I would eat very little, but just told him that I was trying to stick to a high protein, low carb meal plan. That worked fine and he didn't question me further. Finally, last week, I felt comfortable enough to confide in him about my surgery. He was wonderful. He said that he would love me whether I weighed 100 lbs more or not! He has asked a lot of questions and is learning about my new lifestyle, and it's turned out to be a great thing. I would recommend that you wait a while before telling a date about the surgery..just so you get that chance to know them first. When the relationship starts to develop into something more than casual, then I would say that it's a good time to confide in him/her. To each his own, but this way worked real well for me. Take care!
   — Mary W.

July 30, 2002
Hello there :) I must admit that I had the same thoughts, but in a different sort of way. I have been with my boyfriend for well over a year and I am now 8 weeks post-op. He was with me at my heaviest, helped me through it all (even hygeine at the hospital!) and now loves the quickly shrinking me. I sit and think ALOT about how I would be if I were single. I truly think I would have serious issues with men who I met while thin. I would always be wondering if they would have even looked at me at 317 pounds (besides to laugh). I am so thankful that my boyfriend was there while I was (am!) heavy. Anyway...since I've put alot of thought into this, I suggest that you follow the other poster's advice and FEEL HIM OUT first. Is he shallow? Does he make fun of heavy people? I wouldn't wait too long to tell him about the surgery and your former weight, or you might be too attached if the answer isn't what you hoped for. Just remember....no matter who you meet or what they think...you did this for yourself and your future. God bless.
   — Kelly C.

July 30, 2002
Somebody once said, "Most men pick beautiful women over smart ones because most men can see better than they can think."
   — Roxanne M.

July 30, 2002
I guess another question to ask is, after YOU'VE lost the weight and are thin, would YOU date a morbidly obese person?? It's not shallow to find someone unattractive for whatever reason it is (e.g., potbelly, losing hair, etc). Everyone has different triggers that are tripped when they find someone attractive. Whether that be a nice body, pretty face, intelligence or good sense of humor. You can't fault someone if they don't find you attractive or if you don't find them attractive. Sometimes the chemistry isn't there.
   — Patty H.

July 30, 2002
I, too, understand your concerns BUT I think you need to "let it go". Truth is, and we all know it, that most likely, no, the person probably wouldn't have been interested in you at 300 pounds. If he would have, you would have met him long ago. That's just the way our society is. Especially with men. They go for looks first. Try not letting the weight issue run your life for the rest of your life. It's already been doing that for so long. Enjoy the new you.
   — Kim B.

July 30, 2002
Wow. Roxanne, Patty and Kim sure hit the nail on the head. Yeah, I think most men do look for "good looks first". However on the other side, women seem to want only tall men. I'm 5'3 so MO or not... I never expect any woman to look at someone my height. There is all kinds of discrimination and not just on weight. But I like what the other posters said, about "watching your dates reaction" on other MO's. You can tell alot about people that way. I'd never have a friend who made fun of MO. They are too shallow and life is to short. But on the other hand, we need to "try to let go" of our pain and mistrust. I don't do well in this area, so I'm preaching to myself too. ;) And what the other poster said "would you date a MO person"? Ouch. I have no predjustive, of course, but I sure did'nt see my MO body as desireable to anyone and I don't see it as desirable on anyone. I know there are guys who do find a heavy woman attactive. Anyway, there have been some great insights on this question for sure.
   — Danmark

July 31, 2002
Dating? What's dating? I may have lost 97+ pounds but I still haven't lost my poor self-image! I haven't been on a date in over 10 years and that was with my ex-husband before we were married!!
   — Tammy B.

July 31, 2002
Everyone will look at you differently after you've lost weight - friends, family, coworkers. All your relationships will change. As far as dating, when I got to a normal size, I acted normal. I didn't focus on my weight loss. My first serious relationship after my husband's death was with someone who had wls. We had a lot in common, but he turned out to be very shallow - self-centered, manipulative, and didn't tell whole-truths. It didn't work out. We broke up and I was crushed for a couple of months. I then started doing what I love to term as "power dating". I started casually dating many different people. It was a lot of fun - at first - because I found I was attractive to many differnt men. It was a great confidence booster for me. However, it didn't take long to see it was emotionally unfulfilling. I was going through the same motions with different me. "What's your favorite color/band/food/designer/car?" "Where did you grow up/go to school/attend church?" SCDM - Same Conversation, Different Man. So, I made myself a list. A list of the qualities that I wanted in a man and would not settle for less those qualities. In effort to protect my heart, I purposefully set it high, thinking no such man existed. I was finally happy with myself, and wanted someone who mirrored my values, goals, and dreams. I found him last December 6. I didn't tell him about my surgery for a while. It didn't matter to him. My daughters showed him some pictures of me while MO a couple a weeks ago. I was mortified at first, but I later was glad he got to see them. He saw a pictorial of the journey I have made and the steps I have taken to better myself. He has greater respect for me because of it. Take care of you first and you will attract the right people in your life. Just find the courage and strength and intelligence to know when you're being played. Good luck!
   — [Deactivated Member]

July 31, 2002
Do anyone who wouldn't give you the time of day while you were big, don't you dare even think about going out with them....they've shown their real colors. :) To anyone who is starting to know the 'new' you - as you go through all of your own changes and as your confidence and energy levels soar - don't hold it against them...go out and have fun. Start living life to the fullest - you're going to be amazed how quickly your life starts to fall back in place and how much better you are feeling in a short period of time. Good luck to you, friend.
   — Lisa J.




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