Question:
how can I get my boyfriend to understand ?

Can anyone help me. I am 22 and I am planning on having wls. I have been with my boyfriend for almost 3 years. but he is very against me having surgery. he says it is dangerous and won't listen to me whan I try to explain the benifts of it he thinks I am just doing it to lose weight. and doesn't thinks my health problems are related to my weight. is there anything I can do ?    — amy H. (posted on November 3, 2003)

November 3, 2003
My husband feels that I can just push away from the table and exercise, but my gp Dr (who is his also) told him ..do you want her around for awhile? If she stays heavy and keeps adding to her list of Diabetes, High blood pressure, apnea, high cholestral, ..she wont be! Also my friend and her husband think that he feels safe when I am heavy..that maybe if I am thin I wont stay with him..reassure him...
   — Linda R.

November 3, 2003
Amy, I'm sure your boyfriend loves you very much. First, I would ask you if you think he doesn't want you to loose the weight b/c maybe he fears losing you, or b/c he REALLY is afraid that it is too dangerous. Once you honestly have your answer, you can decide how to respond. If it is the first one, you will have relationship problems afterwards. That is my guess. If it is the latter then sit him down, tell him you love him very much and share with him your deepest darkest moments of being obese. We typically don't share these stories with others, heck we rarely even admit the pain to ourselves. Tell him how it makes you feel emotionally, and how in bondage you feel being in your body. Write down a list of all the things that have hurt you or held you back in your life b/c of your weight, and then read each one to him. My list is 2 pages long. Trust me, he will have a better picture when you read this to him. He may even see your pain as you read it, and that is okay. Then educate him. Take him to a few support groups, buy Barbara Thompson's book (internet) and have him read the section in the back particularly written for family members who are leary or scared. That is a wonderful book and very easy reading and it also educates you in laymens terms the risks and the surgery. Have him write down any questions he has and let your doctor answer them and put his mind at ease. If he is still against it, tell him that you respect his feelings, but that you are doing it anyways. That you need for him to keep all negative comments to himself and support you the best way he can. Then lean on loved ones who support your decision to get you through it. I have not met ONE person who has said they regret the decision to do it, even if they had complications. That is a very strong statement from A LOT of people who have no reason to lie. Good Luck and God Bless you on your journey. 4 months out, down 68 lbs.
   — Michele B.

November 3, 2003
do not go through this process w/o him knowing the whole story. I did and regret it. My boyfriend hated the idea, saw how commited I was to doing it and just went with the flow. In the hospital, when i was getting changed to leave, he saw my incisions (five total) and about had a cow. Come to find out he thought their would be only one. And that was the straw that broke the camels back for him... he is still angry that I did it 11 weeks later. Guess I didnt give him complete info about the whole surgery. Nor did I completely explain all my reasons why. So he also thinks it was just about looking better. Although he is coming around, it really strained our relationship. One reaction he had was that I could have also done this all on my own. Pass off the table, eat small portions, like I am doing now, exercise, etc. I have been one of the lucky ones, no throwing up, no pain, went back to work three days after my surgery. I pray it continues, but with someone you love- complete honesty with this situation is the only route.
   — tia S.

November 3, 2003
I suspect your boyfriend may be worried that he'll lose you to someone else if you lose weight and look better. This was my hubby's fear, too, and that is just starting to come out now (I'm almost 2 mos post and down 40 pounds). He was afraid of the surgery and the risks, but not as much (I believe) as he is afraid of not having me anymore. I guess all you can do is educate him, ask for his support, and go from there. Don't let him stop you if this is truly what you want. Life-changing decisions should never be based on what is good for someone else, only what is good for you. If you must do it alone, and it's what you truly want, so be it. Good luck to you.
   — Carlita

November 4, 2003
Amy, I read your issue to my office mate. She wanted me to respond on her behalf..."If your boyfriend doesn't accept that you want the surgery, maybe you should re-examine your relationship (I'm stopping, she is trying to be Politically Correct here) what she really said was, Then dump him and find another hot guy when you are all hot and skinny, obviously he is overweight and insecure and nothing makes a person more unattractive that insecurity like THAT!
   — Michele B.

November 4, 2003
As a married woman, please allow me to give you some advice. His behavior now will never change. However, his attitude may. So, what you have to decide is- what is the root cause of his behavior? Jealousy? Control Issues? He WANTS you to say fat? Insecurity? Once you figure this out, you have to decide if there can be something done to change his attitude. I submit to you that if it is a control issue, extreme insecurity or wanting you to stay a obese woman, there is nothing you can do to change that attitude. If he is jealous or slightly insecure, you can do much in your behavior and attitude to change his attitude. You can talk to him about his 'feelings' (if he will) or you can asure him or your love and fidelity. You can have him speak to your doctor also or go to a support group meeting with you. Anyway- that's what I have learned in my marriage. Behavior is hard if not impossible to change but attitudes are easier to adjust! Good luck to you. If all else fails- you have to choose what is best for you. If that leaves your boyfriend in the dust, then so be it. You are blessed to have the opportunity NOW to do something about your weight. Take the opportunity while it's there for you!
   — LMCLILLY

November 6, 2003
My hubby had some fears etc before my surgery. Don't give up on your boyfriend yet. Try talking things out and tell him you need him to at least listen to you and hear you out and if he still disagrees then you can discuss it. He probably doesn't want to listen because he knows you will have valid points. If he won't listen, write all your feelings in a letter and ask him to read it. If he absolutely will not budge or respond, then do what YOU NEED TO DO for yourself -- only you know what that is -- whether it's leaving or having surgery without his support, or whatever. Also, there is a book by Barbara Thompson (she also has a website, I'm sorry but I don't remember the address off-hand but I think she has it listed on her profile on this website) and in her book and on her website there is a "letter to significant others" that is excellent. You may want to print it out or buy the book and have your boyfriend read that too. If he won't budge, then do what you need to do for yourself, don't let anyone else dictate how you should handle this decision, it is yours and yours alone. Tell him if he loves you he will at least respect you enough to listen to what you have to say and discuss it with you. Like my husband, his resistance is likely because he's either scared of losing you to surgery or to another man once you're thin. My hubby had both of these fears and we did ALOT of talking about it and I spent ALOT of time reassuring him that I loved him and him only. Some people just said "dump him, it's not worth it" but I don't feel that that is always the answer. We've been together almost a decade and I love him very much, I wasn't willing to just walk away and leave him over this. I put myself in his shoes and I think I would have had the same fears that he had. I spent a great deal of time discussing his feelings about my surgery, after all, they go through it with us. Now he is the most supportive person and he comments on my loss almost every day. Once I made it through surgery and he saw I was still alive :) he was fine! I make sure to let him know on a regular basis how much I love him and how glad I am that OUR life has improved now that I have lost some weight. Don't give up on your honey just yet. You didn't say how long he's known you plan to have surgery, but these things sometimes take time. He's a man, they don't always know how to express their feelings! Just my humble opinions! Feel free to email me if you would like to talk more. Good luck -- I can say for me that this is the best thing I've ever done for myself! Started at 346, and 3 mos post op down to 277. It's worth it!
   — beeda

November 6, 2003
hi I just wanted to respond to some of the posts and say thanks for the advice. It is very hard for me to go through this without his support. We have been together for about 3 years and we have two kids together. I honestly think that he is afraid that if i lose weight that I will try to find someone else. Plus he has never had a problem with his weight his whole life. he can eat all day long and never gain as much as an once. I can stand that. I tryed to explain to him last night but he keep saying he think it is dangerous and it didn't help that on the news we saw about the women at B & W hospital. (we lived near boston) this is not going to be easy to try to get him to support me. but thanks for the advice everyone
   — amy H.