Question:
Has anyone lost their marriage after surgery
I was wondering if anyone's spouses became jealous after surgery or whether the person who lost the weight just wanted out and how you dealt with it. I also posted this on a depression/emotional issue site that many of us are on so if you see it twice, sorry. (www.ahealinghouse.com) — superellen (posted on August 2, 2004)
August 2, 2004
I've seen here many times that a strong marriage gets stronger and a weak
marriage falls apart. The stats I've read are that 50% of marriages fail
within 2 years of surgery.
— mom2jtx3
August 2, 2004
For most of my marriage (21 years next week), my husband complained about
my weight - all the time! And I did every diet known to man to try to lose
it. Finally I had the surgery last year, and my husband was my biggest
supporter. I have lost 98 pounds, but lately, he has started up the old
habits again, but this time he is complaining that I am to thin. Hell, I
can't win for losing...no pun intented!! I finally told him, just last
night, that I am happy with the weight that I am at, for the first time in
my life, and he is just going to have to accept it or not. It is up to him!
I am not going to listen to him complaining about my weight anymore - so,
we'll see!! Good luck...Danette
— Danette C.
August 2, 2004
My husband used to tell me that he was going to tie me to the back of his
truck and make me run so that I could lose weight when I was bigger. Now
that I am a size 8 (from a size 22) all he does is complain about how small
I am and that no wants a bone but a dog. Also we broke up for about 10
days during which that time he was seeing a woman who was bigger then I was
at my biggest. We recently just broke up again because I found out he had
given his cell phone number to this 300 lb woman. I don't think that our
problems stem from my weight loss, I think it is a problem with him. When
and if we finally do break up I think the problem is with him and not with
my weight loss. I look 100% better and feel 100% better so that is what is
important to me. I am doing what I can to hold this marriage together but
one person can only do so much and I do know that if it does break up it
won't be because I thought I was all of that; it will be because of deeper
problems that lie within my husband. Hope this insight helps.
— msg217
August 3, 2004
I'm going through a similar problem - my husband has told me several times
that he wishes I hadn't lost the weight. He says that I've become a bitch.
We're in counseling but its not helping a lot. I personally think that my
life change has moved us apart more than ever. I am to the point that I'm
ready to move on if he can't accept the new me. I want to be happy and
enjoy life not worry all the time. I also find it very hurtful that my
husband who is supposed to be my biggest supporter would prefer me to be
fat, unhealthy and unhappy. I wish you all the best whatever that is for
you.
— Sara L.
August 3, 2004
I am still finishing up a divorce...the last thing that stuck in my mind
from my ex was the following quote, "You were once a big woman with a
big heart, now you are a small woman with a small heart..." I
corrected him and told him that my heart actually got bigger because I made
room to love myself. I believe that any life changing experience will make
a strong marriage stronger and a weak marriage weaker. My marriage was
doomed from the get-go and it is easy for people to blame the surgery, but
maybe they should blame the surgery for making us stronger physically and
mentally! He cheated and complained when I was fat, he cheated and
complained when I was thin. He was an alcoholic. He was a liar. I think
that's a good enough reason for a marriage to break-up, losing weight was a
minor issue as far as I am concerned.
— missmollyk
August 3, 2004
I'm thinking about this now. When I married my husband (#2), I really
didn't think I had many options. I went for the first guy who showed any
interest in me, as no one had for about 10 years or more (after my
divorce). Of course, I always thought it was because of my weight that I
never attracted men. And really, I think that was a big part of it. I've
always been pretty, outgoing, smart, and fun to be with, according to my
friends, but I never seemed to attract men that I liked. Well, after that
long drought, I fell head over heels in love with my husband (actually I
think it was "in lust"). Now that all that initial rush of love
is past (we've been married 6 years), I realize that we just don't have a
lot in common. We like different things, I'm into family get-togethers,
he's not, I like going to movies, he hates them, I like going out dancing
or to concerts, and he just wants to stay home. Also, he's very
"un-ambitious" and I'm starting to worry about money issues for
the future (I'm 46). I feel we need to make more, but he's very content
with being poor. I do care for him, though, and honestly, if I were still
fat, I'd probably not be thinking about leaving at all. I would have just
"settled" because I didn't think I could get anyone else. Now
that I'm thinner, I don't know if I could get anyone else anyway, but my
confidence level is much higher. And I was on my own before, so I know I
can do it again. So, really, if I do leave, I'm not going to blame him at
all. He's the same man I married 6 years ago - I'm the one who has
changed. And I know that will hurt him because he thought we'd be together
forever, and even though we have little in common, I believe he does love
me. I hate the thought of hurting him, but I can feel things coming to a
head here. Sorry to ramble on like this, but your question touched a nerve
with me. To answer your initial question about jealousy, yes he has been a
little jealous and worried about me seeking attention from other men. I
must admit it feels good to "sense" that a man is "checking
you out." I would never act on this until we're apart though. I was
cheated on by my first husband, and would never put someone through that.
— Carlita
August 3, 2004
I just told my husband two months ago that I wanted out. I'll have agree
with the previous posters. When I met him, I thought.. hey.. I'm not gonna
find anyone else that's gonna love me... might as well make this work. But
now, I've got more confidence with myself, and I KNOW there are others out
there who find me attractive. The things he does hasn't changed. How I
view myself, and him.. has. I can't wait to be free, to tell you the
truth. Michelle 10/13/04 425/253/200
— Michelle J.
August 3, 2004
I've been married 30 1/2 years. I'm 18 months post op, I've lost over 135
lbs. Even at a 5x I have always been considered sucessfull in my career
and life in general. My marriage has been through many challenges,
unemployment and layoffs, my husband's 21 year law enforcement career,
illness, infertility, and now WLS. Going thru weight loss surgery and
losing the weight was really hard and my husband and I sought individual
counseling, I dont think I could have gone through the fast changes in my
body without it. Weight covered up so many emotions for me, like being
afraid, feeling insecure, low self esteem, feeling just plain gross. I
worked so hard to hide from these feelings and live a normal life as a
morbid obese woman. As I dropped the weight I dealt with a lot of emotions
and problems all the way back to childhood. I remember promising my
surgeon I would go to counseling and take a light dosage of paxil. I guess
what I am trying to say is give yourself time, dont deal with the heavy
duty stuff until the weight loss is almost done. Your feelings about
everything and everyone have a big chance of changing along the way. Now
is not the time to make a major decision, if you feel you have to, seek
counseling. Remember they can operate on our bodies not on our
heads...there are still reasons we have been to hell and back dealing with
obesity, and there are reasons we have formed relationships with the
partners we have. Finding a new partner before that transformation is not
going to solve anything or make us happy. Losing a ton of weight doesnt
secure us happiness either. There's a lot of work we have to do on our
selves. As far as jealousy it is amazing how many compliments I get on a
daily basis and when I am with my husband. Its hard not to let it all go
to your head, and its hard for spouses too. If I was married to a guy who
had harassed me about my weight and made mean comments I wouldnt want to
stay either...that's called verbal abuse and thats a whole different
problem.
— debmi
August 3, 2004
My marriage is over now--it started falling apart 6 months after my WLS.
You can't successfly go through the surgery and all it entails afterwards
and not learn to better care for yourself and love yourself. As I was
physically shrinking I was personally growing, and I think the hb was
getting scared. He developed some sort of attraction to this hideous
little troll who paid attention to him, which led to a chain of events
ending in the dissolution of our relationship. Hb said he's not interested
in growing or changing, so we basically became incompatible. If I didn't
have WLS, I would have just continued to take whatever he wanted to dish
out, as I didn't think I had any other options being obese.
— inkychick
August 3, 2004
I loved my husband when I was fat and I love him now 117 lost lbs later. I
love him more than anything and I did not settle. MY husband is wonderful
he loved me fat and loves me skinny. He was very supportive of me when I
started talking about the surgery, he grew up with an over weight mother
and she was a constant dieter, so he understands more thatn most men. We
have been together for 9 years and I just had my surgery 4/2/03 and he
loves me the same, and we are also best friends. I dont care ow much
attention anyone else ever tried to give me, I have the BEST man ever and I
will love him to the day we die. I think it is down right mean to marry
someone cus you dont think you can do any better. What about their
feelings? But if your not happy by all means leave. If you miserable then I
bet he is too.
— Carrie W.
August 3, 2004
How odd I would see this posting as I qustion my relationship with my
husband. My husband loved me at my biggest and made me feel beautiful.
Still does. The problem we are facing is his size and his health. I love
him no matter what size he is as I love him for him...not what he looks
like. But he suffered a serious back injury last year and gained a lot
more weight, he has sleep apnea among other health issues brought on by the
recent weight gain to an already large body. I am at a point were I want
to get out and do more physically and do things together...I love being so
mobile and would like for him to have the surgery but he has absolutely no
interest in it! I would think after seeing how well I did and how I am not
suffering at all he would want to feel the way I do....he says at 51 he is
just too old. His back pain and other health issues have made him angry
and nasty to my children and I and I want to stand by him in his time of
need....but if he won't do anything to make it better I can't put my
children through this...Our home is so dark and angry right now...It just
isn't fair to my children or myself. This is already my second marriage.
I don't want to start over, I really don't want to be alone or withanyone
else for that matter...but being alone is more peaceful than this and I
definately didn't want to be a statistic in a failing marriage and gastric
bypass! It will appear I left my husband when I got thin and more
beautiful. I am so sad today.
— nani68
August 4, 2004
When I met my husband, I was just coming off of a divorce and I was on the
good side of a yo-yo diet. He has a physical disability, which has never
made any difference to me. I warned him about my ongoing battle with my
weight, but he promised to love me no matter what. After being married a
few years,the weight came back on, and our intimate life became a faded
memory. He admitted that it was because I got heavy, and just wasn't
attracted to me. Wow, I couldn't believe it, especially since he has a
physical disability. I mean, he's not exactly a good catch (attractive
wise). I was so hurt, but he promised that after the surgery and my weight
loss, we would be a "couple" again. Well, I am almost 2 years
post op and still no "coupling" going on. Now he admits to
performance anxiety. We sleep in separate bedrooms, mostly because I can't
stand his snoring, but also because I feel like we are just pretending to
be a couple. We still love eachother as best friends, but can't seem to
reconnect beyond that. I thought about leaving him, but decided that the
lack of sex is not a reason to break up a nice life together. Someday
we'll get old and remember the days when we could but didn't, and hopefully
laugh about it.
— lconrad
August 4, 2004
I am not married but my boyfriend and I broke up after being together for 3
1/2 years. Things started to get worse after my surgery. He did not want me
to get the surgery and states he misses the fat, humble meek girl he used
to have. My obesity was his security and now that I have lost weight, he no
longer has that security. I have now found a wonderful man who praises me
everyday and is very proud to be with me.
— Marti M.
August 5, 2004
Funny that you should ask this now. I moved out last Thursday. My husband
is a doll, and very supportive of my weight loss and happy that I had
surgery and have done well. However, things haven't been great for several
years....and now, I'm wanting more from life. He and I are GREAT friends
and we make great roomates! But I'm only 34 and I think there's more than
that out there. Our intimacy level the last several years has been zilch,
and now....I know he's attracted to plus sized women, so I think that has
something to do with it. Plus there's a 14 year age difference too. And
that is glaring now that I want to get out and do stuff and he wants to
stay home. We've been in counseling .. and we'll still go, I haven't closed
the door on my marriage, because he IS a good person and I do love him,
just need some time to figure out if that's what I want. I want to find me
for the first time I guess.
I sure hate to become a WLS statistic too. *sigh*
— Sungurl B.
August 7, 2004
I am 18 months post op. My marriage is just about the same as it was
pre-op. My husband was extremely supportive of my surgery, but never made
negative comments about me being heavy. I dated him several times over a
year or so before we finally got together 15 years ago. We were set up by
his sister and a friend of mine, who had met in Lamaaze class 25 years ago.
I was around the same weight as my pre-op weight at our first meeting.
The next time I had lost around 40 pounds, then the next time I was around
the weight I am now. He never knew I was dieting when he called me to make
the additional dates. He is not a small man himself, approximately 245 and
6'1". He has not fluctuated to more than 25 pounds below this weight
as long as I have known him. Anyway, he knew about the surgery since my
sister had it 6 months before me, and told me to go for it if that's what I
wanted. At the first meeting with the surgeon, I was offered the
opportunity to book the date, and he said to just do it when I could. He
knew I would obsess on it until it was done, so I did. He was attentive
to me as a new post-op, taking 2 weeks off from work to be there at home to
help. As for the state of our marriage, we have the usual stuff going on,
nothing major, and we work through it. I don't think I "settled"
at all. He had to win me over, due to the fact that I tended to be a very
cautious person, and quite protective of my emotions. It took me a long
time to feel comfortable with someone actually wanting to be with me,
especially for the long haul. He also, never treated me any differently as
my weight crept back on over the 13 years that followed. As for how he
feels now, he has had his jealousies, especially over the time I have spent
with fellow post-ops from my support group, and yes, he has commented about
the time I have spent looking through the pages of OH. He does get tired
of that sometimes, but I have reminded him of how he spends his time, and
that maybe we should coordinate our hobbies so that we have more time
together. I have noticed how he likes to see me pick out clothing, and
comments at times on what he might like me to wear to functions we go to
related top his job, in particular. I think the reason we are able to get
through all the little things that come up, is that we say what is on our
minds. I have no secrets from him. That helps. I am due to have my TT a
week from Monday, and he took his vacation, yet again, to be there for me.
We both decided, that the TT was the single most necessary PS to be done,
and he supported my efforts to get it approved. Looking at the extra skin
on my belly is actually the only thing related to my weight that he has a
problem with, but then again, I do too. He knows I am anxious about it, and
lets me ramble. I am not saying that we are perfect, we have our moments,
but I would never consider trading him for anyone else, or for being alone.
On top of everything else, he is extremely considerate of my family, being
accepted by them, and feeling for them as he does his own. I suppose I am
lucky woman, but then again, he is a pretty darn lucky man!!!!!!
— Fixnmyself
August 8, 2004
WOW after reading some of the other postings I must say I am very BLESSED.
My hubby has supported me all the way through this. When we got together I
was 311 and a 4X now at 185 and wearing a size 14 some 12's he still
supports me all the way. I think I was the biggest problem (no pun
intended) when we got together for I kept thinking why would such a good
looking guy want a fat girl. But once I worked myself through that I found
out that he loved me for me. And has proven that time and time again as I
have went through this new adventure in life in loosing all of my weight. I
wish everyone the best of luck with their lives and hope that all can see
the real beauty within themselves.
— Holly B.
August 8, 2004
After reading the posts I am so glad that I am not alone. I never dated in
high school because I was just the "fat" girl everyone wanted to
either "just be friends" with or thought I was easy. Then I went
to college and met this great guy who was funny and charming. he was over
weight and it didn't bother me and doesn't now. He made me feel beautiful,
but now I know I married him for the wrong reasons. i will always love him
i am just not in love with him anymore. We have been together for 6 years
and married for 4. We have a beautiful daughter and that to me makes it so
hard to leave. I have become someone different. Not just because of the
WLS. I started to change before this. I have learned to be more self
confident and my self esteem has increased immensly. My HB is my friend
and I would like to remain that way. It broke his heart when i told him I
didn't think I loved him anymore because I know he loves me. Then he
accused me of cheating (which I am not) but it's because he has noticed
this change in me and of course blames it all on my WLS. I have just
learned to love myself a little more and put some of my needs first. I
don't know what to do but it helps that others are going through the smae
thing.
Stacy
220/145/120ish I hope
— Stacy O.
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