Question:
I am 35 yrs young. My mother just found out and is totally agianst surgery!
My mother just found out that I was planning on having surgery. Help..She is totally agianst it. How can I make her understand my feelings in this matter, or how can I approach her? She is very narrow minded. Thinks that I am taking the easy road, and that I am just giving up on the diet end. She to is also very overweight, you would think she would understand. — Erin E. (posted on March 31, 2004)
March 31, 2004
First your mom probably has no first hand experience on modern WLS. You
need to introduce her to a friend who has lost at least 100 pounds. Attend
some local support group meetings make some friends and take one to dinner
with your mom:) Beyond which your MO mom is no doubt scared she will get
drug into surgery herself. That likey explains her negative attitude. I had
my best friend like this totally against me having surgery. Said I was
INSANE for even thinking of it. It was hard he tried to scare me:( I did
WHAT WAS BEST FOR ME! Fast forward 6 months post op. he is my biggest
supporter and advocates WLS for his MO daughter who happens to be a old
girl friend of mine. So far she has no interest in WLS. Given time and some
effort she may come around. see the bottom of my profile for the web
address of barb thompsons great book. It weould help educate both of you on
the risks and rewards of WLS... Which saved my life!
— bob-haller
March 31, 2004
this is kinda hard. we want our friends and family to support us, but
sometimes it just doesn't work that way. just as it is our right to decide
to have wls it is also the right of others to disagree. sometimes when
someone are very narrow minded nothing you do will make them change their
mind or even if they do they might not tell you hahaha. what i always say
when someone is negative about wls and knows nothing about it, is to learn
about it and then come to me with their concerns. but........that doesn't
mean i have to let them have any say in what i do with my body. as long as
YOU are well educated and know what is going to happen or what might happen
then it is only a choice you can make. what is the worst that could happen
if your mom never agrees with your choice? will she stop talking to you or
something? i think that she might have been in shock to the idea. i know
with my mom that sometimes i have to let things sink in before i continue
with a certian subject. don't press the subject with your mother or put her
in a corner to make a choice pro or con. she might pick con and stick with
it just to save face, but if you give her time she might just surprise you.
the main thing to remember is not to force the subject or bombard her with
facts, stats ect.. let her ask you and only give her the answers to the
questions she asks. sometimes people who are narrow minded/stubborn need
alittle time on their own to decide how they feel about something. if she
wants to find out more about wls she will, if not hold your ground and
remember nobody has the right to decide or guilt us into what we do with
our own bodies. best of luck to you
— franbvan
March 31, 2004
Are you part of a support group for WLS? If so, why not take her to one of
the meetings with you? If not, why not try to find one? They are a great
place of learning and support. Then maybe she can begin to get a feel of
what the surgery is about...and it might make it easier for her to
understand. Good luck.
— Julie M.
March 31, 2004
I hear ya. My sister, who'se never had a weight problem, and who is also a
Recovery Room RN, was dead set against me having the surgery. She had me
dead and buried. Well, anyway, for Christmas she gave me a card with some
cash in it to buy new clothes and a note thanking me for not letting her
talk me out of the surgery. Like the previous poster said, take your mom to
a few support group meetings. Show her this web site . . . . Good luck,
Hugs, Linda
— lorien
March 31, 2004
Been there. My sister and niece are overweight and were very opposed to my
surgery. Even now, 130 lbs later they never comment on my weight loss,
other than saying you were just one of the lucky ones with no problems,
etc. I love them both but sometimes wish their attitude was different and
I know it would work for them too..cant change other people! There's all
kinds of emotions stiring up for your mom. She's scared and anxious, and
maybe jealous. She's afraid she might lose her daughter and eating
partner? It's her problem, all you can do is talk to her ....have the
surgery and begin your new life.
— debmi
March 31, 2004
Wow, I couldn't have imagined going thru this without the support of my
mom. I have a very good friend, maybe not so good anymore now who wasn't
very supportive of me. She is overweight with health problems and all she
says is she wants my clothes. I explained to her that this surgery isn't
for everyone and everyone may not agree with it and that is fine but it is
for me. If people in my life weren't supportive then just don't say
anything negative because I didn't want to hear it. I also explained to
some people that I would have rather one of the hundreds of diets I was on
worked and I kept the weight off but they didn't. If they think taking the
easy way out is having a life threatening surgery, then they aren't
educated about it. Get your mom some books, have her meet your surgeon,
and take her to meetings. You need positve people around you thru this and
if she doesn't agree, at least be there for you. This is difficult for you
and I wish you all the best.
— Kathy *.
March 31, 2004
Peoples opinions do change. My wife jen thought I was out to lunch when I
first heard of WLS. She wasnt a supporter initially and only got really
onboard once she saw my success. Heck then she had the RNY too. Jen herself
lost over a 100 pounds.The same may happen to your mom. Its likely the idea
scares her to death. Give her some time to learn and adjust:)
— bob-haller
March 31, 2004
Hey this reminds me of my friend Nancy, who had the surgery on the cBS
morning show several years ago. Found out her hubby a general surgeon was
completely against it. Bumped into them recently, they both laughed about
it. She has done great!
— bob-haller
March 31, 2004
I've been there too. I had my surgery 10/15/03. Before I told anyone, I
did my homework, checking everything I could get my hands on, because I was
anticipating the same reaction from my mom and believe me, she didn't
disappoint. Not to mention some of my other family members, who I
mistakenly thought, would support me. Funny how that happens! After I
explained to my family that this was ultimately my decision and my life and
that it wasn't an easy decision to come to, I advised them that if they
weren't going to support me or not have anything positive to say, not to
say anything at all. A few weeks before surgery, when they realized I
wasn't kidding and not changing my mind either, they came around. But,
please make sure you have good friends or the help of a support group in
the area. They will really help you through this and also our friends here
at this wonderful site. They have been a great source of help and support
for me. Good luck and God Bless. You can do this!!
— Julia B.
March 31, 2004
Erin,
Remember that no matter what ANYONE else says or feels about this
surgery, this is something you are doing for yourself! No one can walk in
your shoes but you. Try to understand your mother's feeling and where they
are coming from (fear, jelousy etc.) but in the end do what you need to do
for yourself.
— danagates
March 31, 2004
Hi Erin,
If you'd like, you could send your Mom to my patient page over at
www.duodenalswitch.com - the link is:
http://www.duodenalswitch.com/Patients/Dina/dina.html
I've had quite a few people tell me that it has helped family members
understand a little bit what it is that we go through trying to come to the
point of deciding to go forward with WLS.
Hope that helps a little!
dina
— Dina McBride
April 1, 2004
My mom reacted the same way. She knew I had done my research and she still
freaked. Well, when she found out that my ins. approved me, she got
serious about educating HERSELF and spoke with several doc's that she
respected and even a woman at her church who had had wls. She eventually
decided to support me (which wasn't MY concern) and is now very, very glad
that I have had the surgery. Of course-I am the exception, not the rule,
as I haven't had even one complication so far. As far as taking "the
easy road".......THERE IS NO EASY ROAD!!!! Just choices that we must
make for ourselves. Also, if you have the surgery and succeed in your
weightloss-where does that leave her? Her opinion is more based on how YOU
losing weight would affect HER....you do what's right for you regardless of
her. Be a grown-up and make your decision without factoring in her
feelings and opinions.
Best wishes,
Beth - rny 4/03, 269/144/1??
— Beth W.
April 1, 2004
My mom felt the same way. My whole family has had a lot of issues with the
surgery. What I did was I bought a couple of books on the surgery and gave
them to my mom. I told her I didn't want to discuss the surgery again
until she had read at least one of them. Once she started reading, she was
totally into and realized it isn't the easy way out. She calls me all the
time about it asking me if I knew this or that or that she heard this was
something to try. I am now 2 weeks post op. She came and stayed with me
last week and we had the best time. Now that she's educated about the
surgery it really opened her eyes. Good luck!
— Julie Rich
April 1, 2004
There might be nothing you can do to convince her to take your side. It
sounds like she might be jealous. You can offer to communicate about her
feelings with you and invite her to support groups or talk to others who've
had the surgery. Pre-op when I discussed this with my obese mother, she
said that she was scared for me because back in the 1970s we had a neighbor
who died from WLS. But when she came with me to see the surgeon and asked
her own questions, she became by biggest supporter. Remember in the end,
all you have is your health. Don't put you and your health on hold for
anyone. I wish you the best.
— Yolanda J.
April 1, 2004
Tell your mother that you understand how she feels, but you just have to do
something. My mother didn't understand either but she knew I had to do
something. It was my last result.
— Sharon T.
April 1, 2004
My first reaction is to say that it's a darn good thing your mom isn't
having the surgery then! Three cheers for you, for most likey for the
first time in your life, taking care of you first. You cannot control what
others think, feel or do...REMEMBER THAT! As with most of us, we fear the
unknown. You can offer to share your literature, web sites, etc., with
your mom. It is her choice whether she wants to be supportive, if she
chooses not to, it is her loss. Good luck!
— H S.
April 1, 2004
Erin, remind your mother that your father died prematurely due to
complications from obesity and that you have 4 kids that you want to live
for. Also remind your mother that all your siblings are obese as is your
mom and yourself. Then ask her so why does she think another diet will
work for you? Major surgery and a total life style change and committment
to eat better and take your supplements for the rest of your life is hardly
the easy way out. This is the hardest thing I have ever done. Hardest, yet
most rewarding. I gave up on all the diets, you cannot give up on your
health after this surgery. If all else fails, just kiss your mom and tell
her you are doing this for you. Hopefully once she sees the results, she
will grudgingly admit it was the right decision for you.
— Cindy R.
April 1, 2004
I guess mothers and anyone else who doesn't know about wls is going to
react in negitive ways, My mom commanded me to not do such a thing. I knew
it was out of fear. I just kindly told her. My mind was made up and I am a
grown woman of 48. with children etc. she told me that I was hard headed.
LOL I told her I agree. LOL What I did was slowly educate her. the more she
learned the more she particpated in the research, it became times where she
would call me, to tell me to turn to such and such channel. or did I see
such and such in the magazine. On my big day I could tell she was nervous.
but she came with me and was there with me. Now today I am all she talks
about. how proud she is of me. she says when she sees me, It reminds her
of when I was a young kid. how I laugh and seem so jolly. she said she
missed those precious days. Well hon all you can do is try to educate her,
if she doesn't come around to the way you feel. then you have to let it go,
cause you have to stay positive and dealing with the negitive issues are
not good for you. so hang in there and best wishes to you**Hugs**
— B4real
April 1, 2004
Why bother trying to convince her? You're the only person who can make
this decision or who needs to approve of it. I'm sure there are other
things you disagree on but you love each other nonetheless. Allow her her
opinion but explain that you're firm on YOUR opinion that this is what you
need to do for yourself and tell her that you've done all the research,
know the pros and cons and are not entering into this lightly. I think if
we want people to respect our viewpoints, we have to respect their right to
their opinions as well. But they're not the ones that have to live your
life.
— sandsonik
April 1, 2004
Erin Moms will be Moms and nothing you do will change them. I think perhaps
you will have to tell her you have made up your mind to have the surgery
& if she cannot support you, then she is not allowed to discuss it with
you. Let her know you still love her, but she will have to
"allow" you to grow up. I know people will ask you why are you
listening to your mother, however, our parents have a strong influence on
most of us so you are not alone. Good Luck if "YOU" decide to
have the surgery. If I were you I would not discuss it until the day after
surgery, then allow her to pamper you after it is over.
— Anna M.
April 1, 2004
I am so glad I didn't have that problem. My mom was and is the best support
person I could ever have. I did have a few problems with some of my family
members, but I realize now that it was fear of the unknown for them. This
surgery is not an easy way out. It's the hardest thing that I have ever
done and I would do it all over again in a heart beat. 12/23/2002 345/185
— tat1997
April 2, 2004
Erin,
I had a simular prolem to start with, my mom was scared and hesitant about
being on board with the surgery, but I deided to ask her to come with me to
nutrition appointments and envolve her in the process. In the end she is my
biggest supporter. Most doctors welcome bringing spouces or parents with
you.
If in the end she still does not come around then you will have to chose
to do the surgery with out her or live life as you are.
Remember you are the most precious assets to your mom and she loves you
and might be scared of losing you, my mother was. But if you can get her in
there with you to really learn the facts, she might just be your doctors
next patient.
If you need any more support, or just want to talk please email me or call
me at 217-446-9955.
Hugs
Christy
3-8-2004 Re birth day
-33 pounds
There is no such thing as a failure who keeps trying, Cosating at bottom is
the only disgrace- Just wait: Blues Traveler.
— Tiny Pixie
April 2, 2004
The night before my consultation with the surgeon, my Mom tried desperately
to talk me out of surgery. I invited her to the consult and she ended up
being more excited than I was about it and was able to ask all the
questions she wanted. Now she's in the process to have surgery in a couple
of months. I agree with the others, that you should involve her in the
process. She is probably afraid she will lose you. As a mother, I can
understand, but education should help her viewpoint. Best of luck to both
of you.
— Dragonfly2B2
April 11, 2004
Erin i had the same problem with my mother! It didn't matter why or how or
when I was having surgery, all my mother heard was her baby was having
surgery ans the rest was lost somewhere. She asked why couldn't I just
loose weight like other people and why was i having to go to such drastic
measures. Well after informing her of my personal and pysical limitations
because of my weight and giving her ALL the gorey details about being a fat
person, she really did try to understand. But it wasn't until she found
out a woman that she had known for some time was in fact a gastric bypass
patient and my mom never knew. I really changed her think to hear another
person's story and see that that person was okay and having great results.
Do you have a support group available yopu and you mom can go to. Can you
mom go to the doc visits with you. Now I am a year out and down 160 lbs
and my mother is soooo proud and supportive. Good luck! Jodie
— Jodie S.
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