Question:
Has weight loss changed your marriage?
I've changed - a whole lot - physically and emotionally. I'm taking a whole new perspective and that includes my marriage. I'm not happy anymore. My husband and I had a very long talk on Friday evening and I told him I wasn't happy anymore and needed to make some changes. Am I the only one that's changed or is there anyone else going or have gone through this? I really need some guidance on this. — dolphins94 (posted on January 13, 2003)
January 13, 2003
MY MARRIAGE HAS CHANGED FOR THE BETTER. I HAD THE SURGERY 8/1/02. I HAVE
LOST MOST OF THE WEIGHT. I HAVE 20 LBS TO GO TO GET TO THE DOCTORS GOAL 40
FOR MY PERSONAL GOAL. WE ARE 3 1/2 MONTHS PREGNANT WITH OUR 5TH CHILD AND
NEITHER OF US COULD BE HAPPIER. MY HUSBAND WOULDN'T CARE IF I WAS 1000 LBS.
BUT HE SEE'S THAT THIS SURGERY WAS IMPORTANT TO ME. HE IS CONSTANTLY
SHOWING ME (THE NEW ME) OFF TO HIS FRIENDS. ESPECIALLY THOSE WE HAVEN'T
SEEN IN A WHILE. SEX IS WAY BETTER. I EXPERIENCE WONDERFUL SENSATIONS THAT
I NEVER FELT BEFORE. I WISH YOU ALL THE LUCK. BUT, WE WERE WARNED BEFORE
THE SURGERY BY MY SURGEON THAT "DIVORCE HAPPENS IN ABOUT 50% OF THE
HOUSEHOLDS THAT THE SURGERY IS DONE. IF YOU WEREN'T STRONG TO BEGIN WITH
YOU WON'T BE ANY BETTER OFF."
MY HUSBAND LOOKED AT ME AND SAID "I'M NOT GOING ANYWHERE ARE
YOU?" TO WHICH I SAID "NO!" WE'VE BEEN THROUGH A LOT AND
THERE IS MUCH MORE AHEAD BUT AS LONG AS WE DO IT TOGETHER WE CAN FACE
ANYTHING.
MAYBE YOU SHOULD TALK TO A COUNSELOR. YOU HAVE EXPERIENCED QUITE A FEW
CHANGES AND YOU MAY JUST NEED TO TALK TO SOMEONE EITHER SEPERATE OR
TOGHETHER. GOOD LUCK.
— SHERRY P.
January 13, 2003
My marriage has taken a very positive up swing since my surgery. I have
lost 82 pounds since October, and I feel more confident, and have much more
energy. I feel like I am a newleywed again (after 20 years of marriage).
Best of luck.
— GPoynor
January 13, 2003
Yes, they have changed. I'm still not sure where it's heading, if anywhere,
but I'm a little concerned. Oddly, I get a strong impression from my
husband that he preferred me larger. I used to be spoiled rotten, little
gifts, back rubs, foot rubs, the works at 282. Now, I couldn't tell you the
last time I got any of that. He assures me he loves me and is happy that I
feel better and am healthier, but I really believe my hubby is a *chubby
chaser*!! He laughs when I say it, but he doesn't discount it. I think he's
not being straight with me for either of two reasons...one, he is jeoleous
and doesn't want to help my head get bigger or two, he's the kind of person
who needs to be needed, ie, helping me over a curb because my fat swollen
legs aren't working right, etc. or maybe a combo of both...I don't know, as
you can see I'm in a quandry over this and need to work things out...I do
try to talk it out with him but I don't get anywhere. Rambling like this is
good therapy, thanks for the question. -Kim open RNY 7/17/01 -147
— KimBo36
January 13, 2003
Yes, they have changed. I'm still not sure where it's heading, if anywhere,
but I'm a little concerned. Oddly, I get a strong impression from my
husband that he preferred me larger. I used to be spoiled rotten, little
gifts, back rubs, foot rubs, the works at 282. Now, I couldn't tell you the
last time I got any of that. He assures me he loves me and is happy that I
feel better and am healthier, but I really believe my hubby is a *chubby
chaser*!! He laughs when I say it, but he doesn't discount it. I think he's
not being straight with me for either of two reasons...one, he is jeoleous
and doesn't want to help my head get bigger or two, he's the kind of person
who needs to be needed, ie, helping me over a curb because my fat swollen
legs aren't working right, etc. or maybe a combo of both...I don't know, as
you can see I'm in a quandry over this and need to work things out...I do
try to talk it out with him but I don't get anywhere. Rambling like this is
good therapy, thanks for the question. -Kim open RNY 7/17/01 -147
— KimBo36
January 13, 2003
I think it has changed the way I feel about my husband. After losing some
weight I find others looking at me, then I wonder "why do I stay with
a man who never gets off the couch unless it's Saturday night, (that's guys
night on the ice". So after a while of him not noticing me or taking
note of the fact that I've lost about 100 pounds I've started looking
elsewere for the attention he's not giving me. My husband is not the type
to complment me or notice me at all.
— Terri H.
January 13, 2003
There is a saying I have heard about weight loss surgery. . .it makes good
marriages better and bad marriages worse. I am still pre-op, but I don't
worry because I have a great marriage and love my husband very much. He
has been through thick and thin with me and never complained at all. Quite
frankly, I wouldn't want another man who wouldn't have looked twice at me
before, or would have left me when I gained my weight. Unfortunatly, some
heavy people stay in marriages because they don't think they can do any
better. Once they lose weight, they feel like they have other options.
Just be careful because the weight can always come back. Make sure the
person you are with loves you for you and not the size of your body.
— Kathy S.
January 13, 2003
I would agree that it can change a marriage. I have lost 180 pounds, with
another twenty to go. I found I wasn't very good at handling all of the
new found "Male" attention I was getting. I am currently getting
counseling for this issue, and I had a heart to heart with my husband about
this. My husband loved me big, and he loves me smaller. He is trying very
hard to make things better, and I want to give he and I the opportunity to
work through this, as we do have a nice marriage. I think that a lot of
women and men go through this. You may want to consider some counseling to
help you get through this.
— sheron H.
January 13, 2003
I had a LAP RNY on 8/15/2002. I have lost approx. 115 lbs. and I will
state that my marriage is as strong if not stronger than it ever was. My
husband has been with me through every step of the surgery and my biggest
cheerleader. He's proud of me now but is quick to remind me that he loved
me before too. But he's quick to point out that the best thing he's
thankful for is that I'm feeling so much better than I was before the
surgery. I really feel incredibly blessed and count my blessings for him
each and every day.
— Cathy S.
January 13, 2003
My husband told me that he loved me when I was bigger. He was very anxious
for me to have the surgery done, but I don't think he was prepared for the
outcome of the change in my physical appearance and emotional change. I
honestly think all the attention I'm getting bothers him. When I was fat I
didn't get the attention as I am now. I take the compliments and say
thanks and be done with it. I don't dwell on it. I keep telling him that
I love him. I've got a new job and this position is very prestigious. I
love my husband very much and we have a good marriage. I'm not looking to
get out, but I've changed only for the better. I tried to tell him that
our marriage can be much stronger now that I'm smaller. We can do things
more as a family and the family bond is much better. THANKS!
— dolphins94
January 13, 2003
The saying holds true to my marriage, a so-so marriage got worse. I don't
know what the future holds for us right now. Everything is up in the air.
I never get any compliments or any encouragement, and quite frankly, I'm
lonely. Our kids adore him, he is the BEST father, I just wish he were as
good a husband. He's more like a roommate. It would be so easy to leave
if he were abusive, but the worst is just being ignored. I want to SHARE
my life with a partner, not a DUD. I was hoping that being more active and
healthy would improve our marriage, but sadly it hasn't. I just don't know
where to go from here. I just stay in a state of confusion over what to
do. I hope you find your happiness.
— Cheri M.
January 13, 2003
I went through a period of "unhappy" at about 8+ mos out. (in
which I now blame on my crazy hormonal changes due to weight loss). After
about 1.5 years, I am happy to say I ignored the "cravings" and
they went away. I cannot imagine what my life would have been had I acted
on them. I would reccomend MUCHO counseling before doing anything
permanent!
— Karen R.
January 13, 2003
My Marriage has changed as well. Not really for the bad if he tells the
story. I mean He has always been supportive and loving but now he is very
over protective and I don't like that. I feel like am smothered by him. I
can't leave out the door without "Hubby " in tow. I suppose I
shouldnt be upset by that but I mean if I am going to the service station
for gas he yells hold up I am going with you ... Now this is after he has
worked 12 hours and gone to school that evening and totally underssed about
to get a shower... I have to wait for him just to ride along with me. It
makes me feel that he doesnt trust me. Even his Mother told me I was in for
it since I lost the weight. I have about 50 more pounds to go till my
personal goal weight at present I am down about 165 pounds. I havent talked
about it with him because I don't wanna hurt his feelings, or have him
think I am ashamed of him because that is not the case. I also think he is
a little gelous of my weight loss because he too is over weight. I just
would like some alone time with out him or the kids. I love my family
dearly but we all need some me time too...
— Subrina D.
January 13, 2003
I'm post-op 17 mos. My marriage was good before. It's good now. My
advice is just be very careful before you leave a marriage. In cases of
abuse or addictions or other severe problems, of course, get out. But if
you're just restless or bored or something, keep trying. This is a person
you chose. You have a lot of shared history. If you have children
together, it is especially important to do everything you can to salvage
the relationship. Research shows (I have a master's in family studies)
that kids are damaged by highly abusive or violent marriages, but marriages
that are just so-so or mediocre are better for kids than divorce. During
the 70s and 80s, it was the conventional wisdom that kids were happier if
their parents were "happy." (i.e. divorced) This has not been
borne out scientifically. Except in abusive or dangerous situations, kids
benefit from an intact home. I urge you to seek counseling and try to
rebuild your relationship. BTW, nothing can MAKE you happy. Not even
marriage. There's a lot to be said for security and stability. Best
wishes.
— Nancy G.
January 13, 2003
Preachy answer coming. In our society, we take committment lightly.
Marriage is a covenant. What to do when bored? Leave. I would highly
recommend trying to find ways to reconnect. Yes, new attention feels good
and is a wonderful pat on the back. However, the "charged
romance" period of marriage does alter over time to "settle
down" a bit. I married early, thought "happily ever after"
meant you didn't work at marriage, and was a spoiled brat, quite frankly.
We almost split. We separated for a year (about 14 years ago) to grow,
think, and rediscover one another. This summer will be our 25th
anniversary. Boiling it all down, love is a choice. Sometimes it is easy,
and sometimes it takes work. I'd recommend the marriage series called
Intimate Encounters (check your local churches) to enhance any marriage.
Good luck.
— Mary Ann B.
January 13, 2003
As many of the poaster, I get no attention, except when someone else looks
at me then he is all jealous. Driving me crazy. I feel, don't push me away
then get mad I go shopping etc alone. We have survived a critically ill
child but it left us a bit bruised so we will see if my WLS is survivable.
— Wendy H.
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