Question:
How can I deal with my husbands feelings towards my weight loss?
He feels that he married a big woman, and that if I have surgery and become thin, that he will not want to be with me intimately. He says he married a big woman and expected that I would stay that way. He predicts that we will be divorces within a year after my surgery. Has anyone here had this same pre op situation? and if so, how did you and your spouse cope with it post and pre op? — Marjorie P. (posted on December 22, 2002)
December 22, 2002
It sounds like he is insecure. He feels that your weight loss may make you
more attractive to other men and he might lose you. You need to question
why does he want you to be big? Doesnt he care about the health
consequences that obesity carries? You need to explain to him the positive
outcome from losing the weight. You may also want to try counseling.
Ultimately, you are doing this for you.
— Tyrone T.
December 22, 2002
My 2 cents: It may not be insecurity but HONESTY you're dealing with.
Some men prefer large women and don't find thin women nearly as attractive.
I don't think it has to be the end of your relationship though. People go
through changes that affect their looks (physical trama, aging, weight
gain, etc) and still stay married and have a loving relationship. Physical
isn't everything but is important. My feeling on this is you have to
decide how to deal with this personally. If he won't work with you on this
are you willing to sacrafice your health to keep him happy? And to keep
this in perspective ask how you'd feel if this was reversed. What if you
were very thin and a doctor told you you needed to gain weight in order to
be healthier but your hubby told you he would divorce you if did because he
was only attracted to super thin women? I know its complicated but I
thought I'd through in my 2c worth and wish you the best on this.
— Shelly S.
December 22, 2002
Yikes! I can only guess what he really meant when he said, "I married
a big woman...". If he really meant what he said...I'm confused.
Does that mean if he goes bald, you will say, "I married a man with a
thick head of hair..."
Maybe he's concerned that your tastes will change if you lose weight.
That's the only thing that makes sense to me. I encourage you to let a few
days pass and take another run at him about it. Your own happiness and
self-esteem mean something to.
Smiles,
Kimberly
— Kimberly S.
December 22, 2002
hi there :) i think it may be a combo of both honesty and insecurity. my
husband too prefers larger women. i was 5 9 and maybe 190 when we meant, i
went on to become 5 9 and 370, although i think i hit the 400 mark and
bounced around 300s to 400s for a while. although i dont think 400 is what
he had in mind, his love and desire for me never stopped. he loves the
inner me no matter what. hes likin the new me too! ;) i think you need to
do whats best for your health honestly. best of luck to you in whatever
decision you make. :)
— carrie M.
December 22, 2002
I am pre-op and I am still discussing this with my husband. I am hoping to
have surgery in Spring 2003. He was hesitant at first, afraid I would die
and said it was up to me to decide. He has always loved me large, it's the
only way I've ever been but he knows this is best for me. For your husband
to say he expects to be divorced after your surgery is sad. If he loves you
large, then he'll love you small. He didn't marry your weight, he married
you. Maybe he's afraid you'll stop loving him. My husband has already said
teasingly that he'll have to beat the guys off me with a stick. (I wish !!)
Just kidding. If he loves you now, he should love you later. When I married
my husband he had hair, now he doesn't. It didn't change how I feel about
him. Maybe your husband just needs reassurance, like we all do sometimes.
Good Luck !
— Tammyjo
December 22, 2002
Is he MO or close to it? He might be afraid you will pressure him to have
WLS. Of course he is agraid you will want someone better once you loose the
weight. I am not saying you would do such a thing, but its a natrural
concern oif a spouse.
— bob-haller
December 22, 2002
I had the opposite situation. I was a size 10 when I married my body
builder husband. Then I gained 100+ pounds and my husband was miserable,
as was I, as well as turned off intimately. He said that he married a
person who cared about their appearance and now I didn't. I came to realize
that my appearance was part of what he loved about me, it wasn't just the
inside he loved, but the outside too. I must admit that I loved his
outside too, and when I thought about it, I, too admitted that I would be
less attracted to an extra hundred or more pounds on him-not that I would
love him any less, but I know I would be less attracted to him
intimately-being honest. Our marriage was quite rocky for a while. Your
husband loves big women. Its what turns him on, and he is trying to tell
you that by saying that he will not want to be intimate with you, just like
my husband was not turned on by fat. It would be nice if we had husbands
that loved us no matter what we looked like, and those that do are truly
blessed, but for us it is not our reality. Take him seriously. I would
try counseling, however, prepare yourself that if you do go forward with
the surgery, it may be the end of your marriage.
— Cindy R.
December 22, 2002
Does your husband REALLY love you? If he does, he will be supportive in
your journey to become a healthier, happier, person. He must not realize
that with the additional weight there are not only physical limitations,
but also health issues leading to death in the future, as well as the
mental issues that come with being obese. It is not unusual for
relationships to become unstable, some even heading toward divorce, after
the surgery. Since your relationship with food, and yourself, is changing
everything else in your life will change. You will feel better about
yourself, you will no longer look to food for comfort, therefore your
relationship with your spouse will change. When I had my consult with my
surgeon he stated that aproximately 65% of relationships will fail because
of the change in dynamics caused by the surgery. I believe he is correct.
Perhaps you could let your husband know that you understand his fear of
change in the person you will become. But let him know that you will still
be the same person, although just in a smaller body. If he married you must
because you are a big person and not because of who you are, then that is
sad for him. You are more than a body, you are a person who needs to make
the decisions that will enable you to become a happier and healthier
person, this being a choice that ONLY YOU can make for yourself. Good luck!
— twenc
December 23, 2002
Hi Marjorie. I am so sorry you are having to go through this when what you
want most at this time is for your spouse to be supportive. I had lap RNY
January 14th of this year, and I faced some of the same issues with my
boyfriend. I was afraid that he would not be as attracted to me as he was
before, but he has found his way. If you or your husband are interested,
my fiance added a section to my website about his feelings pertaining to
the surgery. He plans to update it although he hasn't since I was three
months post-op. If either of you would like to email Steve about his
perspective, feel free to email me and I will pass it on. There were some
ups and downs in the first few months after surgery, but things are only
getting better. We were engaged in July and plan to marry in February.
Take care and good luck! In case you are interested, my website is
www.geocities.com/jaxsites/christie
— Christie S.
December 26, 2002
I was heavy when my husband met me and when I lost the weight. He was very
encouraging when I wanted the surgery, in fact, he was so excited to have a
skinny wife! However, the comments from people, especially men are now
coming my way and he's a bit jealous of them. I reassure him that I still
love hime and my love for him hasn't changed, it will only get better!
— dolphins94
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