Question:
Feeling happy and sad at the same time....
I had open RNY on July 23, 2002. I have gone from 301 lbs. to 251 lbs. in less than 8 weeks. Basically I have lost almost 50lbs. altogether. I can notice the difference almost everywhere. My old size 28's (which were tight) have now been replaced with 22's. I have lost a lot of inches on every part of me. My husband says he can tell for sure. But, the problem is...No one else has said anything. No one in his family has said a single word to me about losing weight (they all know I had surgery too). Not any of my friends either. I don't understand. I know the first 20 or 30 lbs would not be noticable probably....but 50? I am so happy I have lost so much, but would really enjoy hearing someone say, "WOW...you have lost a lot of weight!" or something similiar. It isnt like I need their validation or anything...It would just feel good I guess. Did this happen to anyone else? Did they say anything at 100 or 150lbs? OR did they act like they never even noticed even after you went from a size 28 to a size 6? People can be so strange. Thanks... — Shawnie S. (posted on September 7, 2002)
September 6, 2002
Just wait for the comments by 100 pounds. I noticed the same thing. They
all want to know, but are afraid to ask! In general commening on weight
espically womans is socially a bad idea. At 100 pounds they wouldnt be able
to control themselves. Make it easier for them. Say I am feeloing GREAT
since I lost theis weight. Once they know the subject is OK they will be
thrilled to talk about it.
— bob-haller
September 6, 2002
Shawnie - you say "It isnt like I need their validation or
anything", but that is what it looks like to me that you are looking
for. You are pleased with the way you are looking; your spouse is
pleased. That's all that matters...
— John Rushton
September 7, 2002
I have had both sides of this. I was very vocal about my surgery at work
so my coworkers are saying something every day like "look at skinny
minnie" and "how much have you lost now" and "you are
going to disappear on us!" (ha) I think part of it could be people are
just uncomfortable saying something. You would think that *I* could
congratulate people on weight loss, but it's weirdly uncomfortable to me.
There is a group of nurses going to this weight loss doctor and it feels
really forced when I ask how they are doing and blah blah blah, congrats on
the loss. I am not an unsupportive person, I guess it's just not me. On
the other hand, my best friend barely says anything. And he sees me every
day. He said that he was talking to his dad and his dad said something
like I must look so different and Dan said "I see her every day, it's
hard for me to tell a difference." So I got out old pictures of me
and took them over to his house. He was looking at the pictures in
amazement. He said over and over again "you are a whole other
person" I put a bunch of horrible pre-op pictures up on my fridge and
I noticed him in there staring at them the other day. And honestly, at one
month I was down 50 pounds exactly. And I wasn't hearing compliments. It
took probably 30 or so more pounds until people started really noticing.
Trust me, when people start noticing, you won't be able to shut them up.
At least where I work. =) And congrats on your loss so far! Wheee. And
I will say it now "WOW, you have lost a lot of weight!" (you
really have!)
— Nichole B.
September 7, 2002
Shawnie- I think both previous posters have a point. I learned my lesson
once when even as an obese person I thought a lady in my Dr.'s office was
pregnant; I questioned her on it; however, she just had her baby! UGH! I
have never felt so embarrassed in my life and I promised myself never to
bring up an issue about weight loss or pregnancy unless they mentioned it
first. I think that is probably what is happening with your family. They
are just afraid to touch on that subject. Ask your dear hubby to bring it
up once and watch the comments start flying. If not......John's still
right. You feel good and that is what really matters. Good luck and
congrats on your amazing weight loss!! 50 pounds in 7 weeks...YOU GO
GIRL!!!!
— denisel
September 7, 2002
I have to admit.. I don't care for all the attention I get. I do like a
nice 'wow, you look great' .. but I'll admit the constant fuss that I
encounter is a bit embarrassing. I know I shouldn't complain about it..
because its not the worst problem in the world.. but sometimes.. its really
embarrassing. And.. the constant "how much" is really annoying.
I've started telling people.. oh just two or three pounds... or... I say
.. I don't want to get hung up on numbers.. thanks. Of course, I used to
tell people I was having a sex change operation if they kept asking me what
kind of surgery I was having.. so... *grin* .. I'm full of it! Good luck..
trust me.. once you get to 60 pounds... you'll be noticed.. I bet you! And
I'm jealous.. I had my surgery a month before you and I've only lost aobut
60 pounds...
— Lisa C.
September 7, 2002
I'm 2.5 years out and remember the same thing. The people who you haven't
told about wls will be the real test. The people who knew were telling me I
lost after just a couple pounds, so I know they were just being nice and
not honest. I remember when I was down 50 and someone said "Your
cheeks look smaller" I said "After 50 pounds you better mean the
ones I sit on!"
Anyway! Be patient, pretty soon everyone at once will be commenting.
Congrats on great stats BTW!
— ZZ S.
September 7, 2002
Shawnie, I hope you don't mind if I hijack your message to say something
neat that happened to me. I am telling it because I'm sure it will happen
to you one day. I was in the mall with my friend and we ran into something
that we both used to work with. I was standing there and this girl glanced
at me and said hi but kept talking to my other friend. finally my friend
said "I am here with nichole" and she looked at me and said
"OH MY GOD" hahahahaha. that made my night happy. =) she
didn't even recognize me! wheeeee.
— Nichole B.
September 7, 2002
Hi:
Wow have you lost a lot of weight! One thing I personally notice with
those closest to me, is that they never commented when I was at my top
weight, so sometimes they did not comment when I lost a substantial amount
of weight. I really think that is so sweet that they never cared how fat I
got. To some of our family, they love us no matter what weight we are, and
are careful not to comment on weight issues. For myself, before WLS, I was
sort of embarrassed when people made a big fuss when I was losing weight,
because I knew what they were thinking when I gained all the weight back,
plus some more. Have you been on many diets in the past, and lost
substantial amounts of weight, only to gain it all back? Is it possible
that your family feels that way, and wants to avoid the whole weight issue?
Could any family members being experiencing jealousy about your weight
loss, and therefore, unwilling to pay you any compliments? Anyway, I know
that your weight loss must show with 50 pounds gone. Regardless of what
anyone says or does, you are reaping the benefits of all of the hard work
and pain you have experienced. Pretty soon the time will come, when
friends who have not seen you in while will not know you, as a previous
poster mentioned. Keep up the fabulous work. You are doing wonderfully.
Grace - lap rny August 21, 2002
— Grace H.
September 7, 2002
I started at 370# I told everyone that I was going to have this surgery and
that is why I would be off for 6 weeks. I didn't start getting compliments
till I lost 100#. But when they start they will come fast and furious!! I
try to be graious and always thank people for saying them. It makes me feel
so good. Just you too will get alot of remarks (good ones). People are
sometimes hesitant to tell if they don't know that you had wls. They think
that you have a terminal diease :( Good Lux
— Robert L.
September 7, 2002
Original Poster Here- Honestly, It is NOT a validation issue! I am very
proud of myself. Just sometimes, it doesn't always seem completely real
until you hear it from someone else. I know you all know what I am talking
about. Like when you are super obese, and you convince yourself to believe
you are really NOT THAT fat. Then you are walking down the road and someone
screams out the window, "look at that fat cow!" Then it hits you
again...I really am fat. Know what I mean? I have NEVER in my life lost 50
lbs. all at once. I have lost maybe 30 at the most at one diet attempt.
And, the family in my life does not have a problem telling me when I have
gained weight, so I don't think "talking" about weight bothers
them at all. Well, I thank you all for the nice compliments. I really am
proud of myself and at 100lb. loss, it really won't matter what they think
anymore. I know that losing 100 pounds is noticable no matter what weight
you start out at!
— Shawnie S.
September 7, 2002
Shawnie, I do know what you mean about it not being about needing
validation. It's just more like wanting a little recognition or
encouragement, in the form of a compliment, for all of the hard work we've
been doing. It would be nice to hear more often. I'm 4 months post-op,
have lost 80 pounds now, and just yesterday I received a compliment from a
lady I work with who asked me how much I'd lost and when I told her she
said, "Wow, it's really starting to show now!" That was nice to
hear. The 2 people I'm closer to at work have been complimenting along the
way. And there are still several people who have not said one single word
about it - not one word! But I feel so much better so you're right, it's
not about needing validation. Congrats on your weight loss as well! I
can't wait to be a member of the Century Club. Just another 20 pounds.
:o)
— Jennifer A.
September 7, 2002
I had people notice my weight loss as soon as I cam back to work 5 weeks
after surgery. I have the opposite complaint as you. I hear TOO much
stuff about how thin I am, how much weight have you lost, you don't need to
lose anymore, etc. I'm 10 months post-op and less then 10 pounds from my
goal weight but I hear a comment almost daily. It really gets tiresome
after a while from answering all the comments that are made. Give it
another 10 pounds and I bet people will be saying the EXACT same things to
you and you'll seehow tired you get sometimes of answering all the
comments.
— Patty H.
September 7, 2002
Hi Shawnie, I know EXACTLY what you feel like. I too many times thought
"oh come on, your not THAT fat" but sadly yes I was. I am 4
months out and lost 71 lbs. I started at 331 and am now 260. I recieved
compliments all the time from co-workers. My family has not seen me yet but
will when we all get together for a wedding in November. But you know
what?? I still feel the same inside. I KNOW I have lost weight and I KNOW
it shows but in my head I am still a cow. Do you feel the same way?? Maybe
I should have posted this as a question. :) Best to you!
— Gina D.
September 7, 2002
I have lost 53 lbs since my lap rny on 6/11/02. I have just started to have
a few people who don't know I had surgery compliment me on weight loss. I
don't count compliments by people who know about the surgery. I don't know
if they are sincere or just being polite. I feel like they know I am
supposed to be loosing so they say something. I have had comments from
people at work as early as 20lbs but they know about the surgery. It is
also hard for people who see you every day to notice a weight loss until it
is alot. Congrats on your weigh loss and the compliments will start any
time.
— Pam W.
September 7, 2002
Shawnie, Hon, you are a very beautiful young lady and there is no way that
people can't help but notice when you have lost that much weight. I think
they are jealous a lot of the time. I have lost 110 and I have noticed
that the skinny people are a lot more supportive than the heavy ones. It
is wierd. It is like the skinny people are accepting me finally into their
elite club. And the fat people are jealous. Not all of them but I can
read their faces when they are either envious or think I am crazy to have
WLS. They get this wierd look and say something like "well, how are
you feeling ....any problems?" and that is about it. I was shopping
at Walmart for clothes in normal sizes just today...misses sizes. I saw a
woman I work with and hadn't seen since my surgery. She was looking at the
plus sizes and she just said "HI". I was in a funny mood myself
(PMS) and I said "I just don't know what size to look for now!"
she said "no wonder." I laughed and said "when I looked for
plus sizes they were few and far between and now that I am looking for
misses sizes they are the same way!" She smiled and said "I know
what you mean." I KNOW I was trying to get a compliment but you know
what? It doesn't matter at all because I feel great! The best compliments
come from the people you least expect them to come from. It is great to
get them but after a while, it really doesn't matter at all. I also saw
another couple that I have known for 10 yrs and they were sitting at
Cracker Barrel eating a big breakfast. I told them how great I feel and I
could just feel it that they weren't supportive. All the wife said was
"I'll bet you really miss eating, don't you?" I said "no
way! I feel great and I order off the kid's menu and I am completely
satisfied." Keep up the good work and the compliments will come. But
best of all is the way you feel about yourself and the confidence you feel!
Good luck!
— Mylou52
September 8, 2002
I'm 4 months post op and down 82 lbs and people are just starting to notice
the loss. I had one, maybe 2, notice a little around 60 lbs. One
co-worker cracks me up. She tells me, 'You have lost a little weight, I
can tell.' All I think to myself is that I've lost almost a 100 lbs!
Everyone can tell (they might not say it, but I'm sure they notice it.).
It's not that she's just a keen observer and that much more perceptive than
the everyone else. KWIM? Oh well.... people..... I'm sure once you start
getting new clothes, people will start giving you more positive feedback.
Hang in there! 50 lbs is great!
— LisaTaz
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