Question:
My Perfect Life

I know that weight loss surgery is probably in NO way going to make my life perfect. But lately, I have been obsessing that it will be! I have been severely overweight since I was about five years old. Despite the fact that I am very smart with an above average IQ, very pretty, funny, etc. I have been constantly ignored and considered second best my whole life. I know the only reason for this has been my weight problem. I know girls who can't spell the word C-A-T and are butt ugly who can land a gorgeous man, a successful high paying career etc. Why? Because they are so skinny. I know I am not perfect,and could definitley use improvement, but I feel I have always had a lot to offer. But, because I weigh over 300lbs. no one cares to see what I have to offer. I feel like I have ruined my entire life so far. I am only 25 and have 4 children, married the wrong man by far, didn't finish college etc. Despite that I would have my children all over again and love them dearly, I feel as though I "settled" for less in my life just because I had too! Now, with this surgery approaching, I feel like at last I will have the chance to make it all right again. I will finish school, get a fantastic job, find a better husband, give my children everything they want! I know this is just a fantasy in reality. I know for most, that the weight loss doesn't change their life from being bad to perfect. But, have any of you had these same feelings while preop? Am I normal? Please don't bash me for not doing this for the "right" reasons. I AM doing this for my health as well! And do not bash for me for calling my life with my children bad. I DO LOVE THEM And would have them all over again!!!! I just want to know how to stop planning this unrealistic view of my future life as a postop. Thank you!    — [Anonymous] (posted on December 16, 2001)

December 16, 2001
Remember, this is not a miracle surgery. It is just a tool!!! I don't doubt that you love your children. The thing is, this surgery might not change your life in the way you're thinking. Do this surgery for your health and for your kids. You have to take care of "you" first. Worry about Prince Charming later on. If it's meant to be, he'll show up and sweep you and your kids off your feet. Just don't force that as a key issue. If you do, you're only gonna set yourself up for failure. No one has a "perfect" life. They just have a life where they focus on the positives and live it day by day. And just because you're skinny doesn't mean that you are entitled to a "perfect" life. We all come across hardships that we need to overcome regardless of our size. You say that you're a smart, funny, pretty woman. That's 3 +'s for you! Honey, I know tons of skinny, stupid people. Looks will only get you so far in this world. It's what's inside that will really take you where you need to go. You say you want to do this for the "right" reasons. Only you can decide which reasons are right for you. Email me if you want to talk further. Good luck!
   — tmrivas

December 16, 2001
Well, I don't think your fantasies are unrealistic in and of themselves. What would *make* unrealistic would be if you didn't take steps to make them happen. Perhaps the most practical thing you can do now is to turn the fantasies into goals, and start listing the very real and attainable steps you can take to make them realities. Don't try to do too much at once - focus on the most important thing to you now, and once the wheels are in motion for change in that area, you can start working on the next item on your list. As you work through the items you'll find some things won't work out as you'd hoped but that others will fall into place with little effort. Never stop dreaming, just don't let the dreams become all you have! Good luck!
   — BlueGray

December 16, 2001
Hi I have that pretty much "perfect life" but as you can guess, it's not that pefect!!!! I think all I need to do is loose my weight so I can do the things all the other "active moms" do w/o the embarassment of " boy, is she ever huge!!" silient comments. I think it's going to improve my life so much, soically as well as physically. My hubby is a sweetheart who loves me as I am and has NEVER in 12 years said anything about my weight. I am the one whois so self consious. The WLS will help me in this area too. I think you going to school, and having a career are excellent goals and not fanstasy. Many people go to school and have careers. Finding a new mate is also possible. I think like the other poster suggests use these as goals and you will be able to accomplish them. Good Luck!
   — Cindee A.

December 16, 2001
I will always remember a quote form Susan Powter's book and it was something like this: Your life will have the same stresses that it did before weight loss, but you can DEAL with life better because you feel better physically, mentally, and emotionally. That just about sums it up and seems to be the realistic perspective. Carolyn, -87# in 9 months.
   — Carolyn G.

December 16, 2001
Hi... I am 51 and pre-op but I can identify with where you are in life. I married at 24, had first child just past 25 and lost several in between and then had last at age 31. I have always been overweight but up until this year it never seemed to get in my way of life, I thought. But at 39 I had a major mid-life crisis. I wanted the perfect life, the perfect relationship, the perfect job and a couple of years later ended a 17 yr marriage in search of me. I had always been someone's wife, mother, daughter, worker and had no idea who I was. I found me through a lot of hard work but something was still missing and probably in reality the part of me that was broken was not being thin in a thin world. I am now 51 and approaching surgery to stay alive longer and for health reasons. While looking better will be a perk, my empetus was health. My thoughts are that you are having a personal awakening of sorts and that the first goal in your travels that you can accomplish is losing the weight. Perhaps you see yourself at 25 years young with 4 children already, probably do not have a job you love, relationship might be suffering and you are wondering what you might have missed out on. They say when you make a major life change to give yourself 1-2 years after that change before you make any major decisions. So a suggestion might be to make this your first goal to have the surgery and do this for you, lose weight, feel better, have more energy and then take other steps slowly and one at a time. But do everything in baby steps so you don't look back one day in regret. At 51 I learned something else too.....everyone's green grass has weeds. So for now, you are making a great decision for you and you are doing this for you. What happens later you can worry about then. Best wishes to you.
   — AJC750

December 16, 2001
You sound like I used to!!! You don't have to wait to lose weight to be like this! Tomorrow you wake up,look at the sun out the window and say "what can I do today to that will improve my life in 5 years?" You can start by Hugging your children and telling them what wonderful kids they are. Then you can tell yourself how wonderful you are. Once you can see your own smile others will take notice. First things first, make an appointment with a financial aide advisor and find out what you need to do, to get things in order to return to college. You can keep your current husband (for finacial stability) until you can manage on your own. This preparation may take you 6 months, maybe a year, but you will know in your mind that you have a plan. There are men out there who are caring that are attracted to a womans inner beauty, but you have to let your inner beauty radiate towards the outside. Don't keep it inside. Take control of YOU. In time the pieces will start falling into place and you will be a new person with energy and love for LIFE. Take it and run with it.
   — elifritz

December 16, 2001
Nothing in your past has been a mistake. You made the best decisions for you at the time. Now you expect better and that is a good place to be. Go see a therapist. I did and it helped me define what I need and want in life. What has helped me has been reading meaningful books, writing in a journal, listening to others stories, and talking about my own battles, questions, and triumphs. I agree, call those dreams goals. Figure out what is in your power to change and take those steps!
   — Carolynn J.

December 17, 2001
I wouldn't say that WLS will fix you life...BUT - here's how I looked at it. This was an opportunity to REINVENT MYSELF from the inside out. In other words, the WLS was going to help fix the outside, now I wanted to work on the inside - which is all those things I've wanted to do and didn't. I went back to school before my WLS and now and one year away from getting my bachelor's. I've changed the way I deal with people (becoming a more honest person with integrity). I'm trying to improve and move up at work and while I'm doing this I'm losing weight. Now this feels great to me, but may be overwhelming to some people. But I think what you're really feeling isn't that WLS will be the answer to everything, but that this is the beginning of a change in your life. Sometimes it can make us see all that does need chaning and give you inspiration. Just be careful to think everything through careful and maybe go to counselor to help ensure you're not making hasty decisions. But if you're ready to change, do it. Just do it with care.
   — [Deactivated Member]