Question:
Why is the divorce rate so high among post-ops?
I know many people through here and other suport groups and once they get thin, they have marrage problems and end up getting divorced. I don't want this to happen to me and I love my hubby dearly. Why does it seem like the rate of divorce for posties is so high and what can people do to prevent it from happening to them? — Heather M. (posted on December 31, 2004)
December 31, 2004
Its a combination of things. the rule is good marriages get stronger bad
ones go away. some MOs settle for what they can get:( Then freed of the
weight ditch abusive spouses. The big one is where a MO couple, only one
gets surgery. this is a dangerous combination and sadly they frequently
split, having lost their eating buddy, to interest changes where one wants
to go to the gym and the other is more interested in dinner and tv. usually
wives have surgery first then husbands do it reluctantly later. WLS causes
as many or more psyc changes as physical ones, if you have a strong
marriage pre op its very likely to improve post op.
Each one of us have only one body and one life, if the weight is making you
ill then do whats best for YOU!
— bob-haller
December 31, 2004
Sometimes I believe marital conflicts come about after surgery because of
changes in mentality. The person who has had surgery and is losing the
weight is feeling more comfortable and acceptable about themselves and less
willing to put up with any old treatment anymore to avoid being alone. The
person who is married to the person who is suddenly going through these
changes is becoming more jealous over this person. And most likely, they
were never truly compatible to begin with, just more tolerant of each other
due to the circumstances.
— SnowWhiteDove459
December 31, 2004
Where I have seen it the most is in older women. They now realize they are
a person and are worth something and do not need to be treated like garbage
for the rest of their lives. They gain the self esteem they should have
had all along. I even saw the same thing happen when my neighbor's husband
died about 8 years ago. Suddenly she was very friendly and outgoing etc.
It was hubby that was holding her back. I'm not saying all marriages of
people in their 40's-50's+ collapse, but it is noticeable.
<p>The other piece is that many times the husband suddenly gets
jealous over nothing. His wife is now getting lots of attention, and
usually not encouraged by the wife, and the hubby assumes she is going to
act on it. This seems to be an issue with younger couples. It also brings
the non-WLS spouses self esteem into question. There are so many emotional
pieces to WLS and it's after effects, it's a miracle anyone survives the
mental stuff. I am not trying to say that it's always the men but there
are a ton more women going through WLS, so many times it is the husband
that has the issues.
<p>I wasn't married when I went through WLS but am now. My husband
is not a tiny man and does qualify for WLS. He's about 110-120 lbs
overweight - a 43.2 BMI. To me, a former 65.3 BMI, that seems like such a
lightweight. No disrespect meant to the smaller WLS folks. In reality,
because of his football player build, if he lost 80 lbs he would look about
right, otherwise imagine a Mr. Incredible shape at his "ideal"
weight. I did not choose him because of his larger size and that I would
always look good next to him, as I was already down about 175 lbs and well
on my way to my goal of losing 242 lbs. I did have concerns that he would
be interested in a couch potato life and I knew that would not work for me
long term, so we talked about it right up front, before I ever met him
face-to-face. I wanted him to know what my expectations were. We met
through the internet. My reason for deciding to contact him, was because
he was indeed a little larger. I felt he would understand my struggles
with weight and why I would choose something as drastic as WLS. I felt he
would be supportive and not judgemental - and I was right. He fully
understands the discrimination of the obese. He is a wonderful, sensitive,
caring person and just what I had been looking for my entire life. He's
not afraid to cry when he is saddened or hurt. Yet he is a strong rock.
We compliment each other well as we have never both been an emotional wreck
at the same, so we are each others rock when things get tough. He's not
Mr. Adonis but he's darn cute to me. It's the total package that I love.
The exterior is a very small piece of the package.
<p>He is contemplating having WLS due to his severe diabetes and
sleep apnea, which neither is under great control. If they were not
present I know he would not even consider surgery as he is fine with his
size and so am I. At times he tires a little easy but not bad considering
he has a 4-1/2 yr old son to chase around. I know in my heart that even if
he ended up looking like Mr. Adonis he would not stray or go elsewhere.
Physical looks are nice but not what our marriage is about. He found me
sexy when I was a Sharpei puppy and still weighing 265 lbs. He saw me
through 3 major PS's. While he likes the end result of the PS's he also
has made it clear he is here for the long haul and even if I gained it all
back he would still love me. He's seen pics of me at 442 lbs. I would not
love myself if I gained it all back as my skin will split, but all joking
aside, if the marriage is built on the right foundation to begin with it
will weather whatever comes up during and after surgery and only get
stronger. People who want to save their marriage will seek help to work
through issues they cannot resolve themselves. I know that is the route
David and I would take should it ever become necessary for any reason.
He's been through one divorce and it tore him apart and he's not interested
in going through one again. Me, I waited 43 years to find the right guy
and get married, so I'm not about to kiss this marriage away. We are
committed for life and I believe that is the difference. Too many people
are in a marriage for the wrong reasons and once they learn about
themselves and who they are, they want out. I cannot say I blame them if
the situation has been either verbally or physically abusive. It's just a
shame that things have to end up the way they do, but in some cases divorce
is the right answer.
<p>If you and your husband want to make sure you survive the PO life
then keep talking and work on any issues early on and seek a 3rd parties
help if things continue. Don't let them fester. Your marriage is worth
working hard on, as I'm sure you know. WLS can be the best thing that has
ever happened to you and give you a totally new lease on life. But it
doesn't mean that your new life needs to be missing any of your loved ones!
Good Luck and go give your hubby an big hug and kiss!
— zoedogcbr
December 31, 2004
I've never been married and never will. But I expect many have taken crap
all through the years and once the weight is off they don't feel the need
to take it anymore.
At least for me, I've severed friendships because I would no longer be the
doormat I've been for most of my life. Life is short and I won't take it
anymore. I expect that may be what is going on, which people (probally even
men) leaving abusive relationships.
— Danmark
December 31, 2004
http://www.wlscenter.com/ResearchArticles/Weight_Loss_Divorce.htm<P>
This from Barb Thompsons wonderful site, her book on WLS is
awesome!<P> Weight Loss Can Cause Divorce
Losing a great deal of weight can disrupt relationships. You are changing
every day, and you may find that your friends or spouse are unwilling or
unable to change in the relationship along with you.
A subscriber of my newsletter sent me this story and his permission to
reprint about how his weight loss affected his marriage in a tragic way.
Please keep in mind that losing weight changes many things in your life,
some of which may not be so good.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Barbara, how are you?
In response to your book excerpt on relationships...... How true it
is!!!!!! This cannot be emphasized enough!
Most all of my friends are ecstatic so far at my progress. My wife however,
has filed for divorce. Though her words said she supported me in my
surgery, passive aggressive behavior escalated steadily from the time I
decided to have surgery on January 2, 2001 right up to the time I had it on
March 6th, 2001.
There were many escalations in arguments that were unexplainable. Even
while I was in the hospital, helpless on my back and in tremendous pain,
she wanted to argue with me in an ever escalating and hostile way about
"her issues" and anger, with me.
Now let me ask you, do you think if there was just one time in your life
that a spouse might consider putting something on hold, this might be it?
You know, where a just sliced and diced individual could maybe focus on
themselves and their recovery from a 1/200 mortality rate surgery?
Well it didn't happen that way for me. My wife fought with me right in the
hospital; blaming me for pretty much all of the problems in her or our life
that she didn't like or want to address.
Since this time, I have lost 130 lbs. and am continuing to get a little
better every day. Since then however, threats of divorce from her have
dominated our lives until 3 weeks ago when she finally moved out of the
bedroom and stated her final intentions to file.
People should be aware, that knowing how dependent we are as obese members
of society, some people attach themselves to us for just that reason.
It’s rarely apparent at first, and motives vary from situation to
situation. But attaching yourself to a fat person can give you a lot of
power and control, for they are often times dependent on those closest to
them for many things in life that others take for granted. This sets up a
power dynamic in the relationship, which is based on need and is often
indisputable.
It can bring much comfort and a strange kind of security to those who are
in the position of power. Likewise, when one of the partners is morbidly
obese and there is another addiction or serious emotional problem in the
other spouse, changes of this magnitude and rapidity are NOT welcome,
despite what the spouse may say outwardly.
The morbid obesity of an individual is often times a cheap and easy target
for scapegoating, blaming and defocusing on the non-obese spouse's own
problems. The rapid changes that occur in a bariatric surgery patient's
lifestyle can, and often do upset the apple cart in a rather explosive
way.
As the " identified patient" quickly regains their health and
self-esteem with the results of surgery, the other spouse often panics and
can explode in too violent rages of finger pointing, blame and emotional
abandonment. After all, while one individual's glaring problem is becoming
less visible, the other's problems are subject to becoming quite a bit more
glaring. A scared and intimidated spouse will more than likely leave. Mine
did.
So, people need to be aware of the structure of the glue that holds their
marriage together. If it’s a good marriage, it will very possibly
get much better! But if it is a marriage whose structure, consciously or
unconsciously, is built on the foundation of dependency and assured power
arrangements, ........beware. You are in for some difficult challenges in
your relationship as the balance of power changes while you get well.
Take stock of your life before you commit yourself. Make the necessary
changes or arrangements, put your affairs in order, and then........ Get
the surgery and live life the way everyone else gets to!! To the fullest!!
God bless and go for it!!
— bob-haller
December 31, 2004
I think that so much of this has to do with the nature of the relationship
before the WLS. It depends on how strong the marriage was to start with -
a shaky marriage probably wouldn't handle WLS or any other life changing
event either. If you and your hubby have a strong relationship that has
weathered changes and storms before, I wouldn't worry. I think alot of the
marriages that break up weren't that happy to begin with, or the couple was
together for the wrong reasons. I don't think WLS can destroy a stable
relationship. Good luck in the New Year! Dee
— Dee G
January 1, 2005
I am speaking from experience here. My relationship was abusive in the
beginning. He cheated on me over and over and I kept taking him back. My
self esteem is not what it use to be by any means. I look in the mirror
and see a wonderful person. I no longer want to be taken for a fool. I know
that there is someone out there that will truly love me and treat me with
respect. So I am saying all that to say this... If the relationship was
weak in the beginning it will probably cause a divorce. If it was strong
it will probably just get stronger.
— twin94
January 1, 2005
In my case, my husband could not handle the "new me", and left me
for MO woman. I never made him feel bad about me losing weight, or that I
had any inkling of leaving him, but he stated over and over again, that he
thought that I thought I was better than him, which was never true. But
he's been gone for a year now, and he is still with the woman he had an
affair with.. I chalk it up to his low self esteem.
— Carey N.
January 3, 2005
I can't speak to the divorce statistics personally, but I can give you my
thoughts on relationships in general after the surgery. To be successful,
I had to be prepared to work on how I handled interactions with others as a
part of this surgery. For many years, I stuffed my feelings down with
food. I anaesthetized myself against anger and hurt by eating away my
feelings, and I missed out on a lot of my life. Now, I have had to learn
how to tell someone I am angry or disappointed or hurt so that I don't turn
to food for comfort. The problem is - a lot of people aren't used to me
confronting them with how I feel. I must confess I'm new at it, and some
times I sound much more harsh than I mean to, but it's like learning a new
language, and I'm getting better. I think that a lot of people go through
this with the surgery. They confront what has made them reach out to food
for comfort in the past and attempt to come to terms with that issue - to
change forever. A lot of the people in your life will find that change to
be a threat. You will be different forever. Try to keep the lines of
communication open and let your loved ones know that you will change
physically and emotionally as a result of the surgery, but change doesn't
mean they are no longer a part of your life. To me, this is the most
interesting part of the surgery - the emotional work that allows you to be
a success long term. Good luck and God Bless!
— Debra R.
January 5, 2005
Its not an uncommon problem to see a spouse make a decision for
self-improvement that may also make them more attractive (i.e. cosmetic
surgery). I have sometimes found the other spouse troubled or even hostile
over the decision. I therefore always ask about the support they are
receiving after surgery. I am not suprised to find that often it is a best
friend or sibling who comes forward, not the spouse.
— DrL
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