Question:
How do I deal with my jealous sister
my sister is saying bad things about me beind my back and telling my other sisters and mutal friends that I am flaunting my weight loss in front of her and that I think I know it all about weight loss. Neither of which I do. I am feeling almost bad about loosing weight and I am starting to sabatoge my self by eating more often. My sister and I use to be so close before my weight loss and she was even my matron of honor at my wedding last year. I have lost 97lbs and I am down to 157, I am feeling great about myself but now I feel like I should just keep my happiness to myself. She has always been thin or close to it and has always got lots of attention but now I am thinner (not a size 5/7 like her) but I am happy and healthy after always being the fat sister all of my life. How do I deal with this?? — Michelle A. (posted on August 26, 2003)
August 25, 2003
OK, hooray for you, look at what you have done for yourself. Congrats on
your weight loss. Don't you DARE feel bad for doing something fantastic for
yourself. Pardon me for saying but your sister is acting like an a**hole.
It comes down to what means more to you--looking great, feeling great,
being healthy or your sister being happy. She is all of a sudden not the
only skinny one, and you probably have the better personality anyway, so
now you are skinny and the nice one. Don't you dare overeat. Sit her down
and tell her your weight is gone forever and she needs to get used to it.
Good Luck!!
— Susan M.
August 25, 2003
How exactly do you "flaunt" weight loss to a skinny person? :-)
I would ignore her.. She'll either come around.. or not. That is
certainly her decision not yours. Good luck!
— SJP
August 25, 2003
For the sake of the relationship I would just ask her what it is you are
doing that makes her feel you are flaunting your weight loss, and ask her
why it offends her. It my just be that she doesn't feel superior anymore.
I know that since my surgery, I try not to talk about it to my skinny
friends unless they ask me something, just because I know I would have the
tendency to go on and on about it, because I'm so happy. I try to save it
for my support groups (I go to 4 a month) and I can gush all I want to. I
also come to this board for support. We understand each other. The people
that somehow feel superior to us when we are fat may feel threatened that
they don't have anyone to feel superior to anymore so they say unkind
things trying to pull themselves back to that place of superiority.
— Happy I.
August 25, 2003
I have always been the "fat" one when it comes to my sister and
me. Now that I've lost more than she weighs (125) the roles are starting
to change. She says things to me like, "Are you still considered
obese?" and I smile and proudly say "Not Morbidly!" There
is no need to keep your happiness to yourself --- if she can't or won't be
happy for you that is her problem. You are doing great!!! Please don't
let her sabatoge your wonderful progress. My guess is that she doesn't
know how to treat you since you're not the "fat sister" anymore.
People have trouble when roles change. If she can't be happy for you, then
you don't need her in your life (as hard as that may be). Good Luck!!!
Kelly
— klinzey
August 25, 2003
When we are fat we fit into our families in a certain way and fill a
certain role. I think that it takes everyone a while to adjust to something
so different. If you are anything like me your demeanor has changed and you
are happier and more outgoing. This can be tough on someone who is used to
you maybe not always sticking up for yourself or accepting second best. I
have had similar issues and people come around. Be ready for a giant
$&*#storm if you get smaller than her though. She will get over it and
in the end you want to maintain the relationship with your sister. You
could gently explain to her that you can handle anything she might be
worried about and that in the future she should talk to you about how she
is feeling. Hurtful things are impossible to take back and you might want
to remind her that from now on this is just the way it is and doesn't she
want to end up with a good relationship too? Good Luck!
— Carol S.
August 25, 2003
Upon reading your profile I see you were 280 at your highest weight and 255
begining weight before surgery. Congratulations!!! You stated you were
having this procedure due to health reasons and that you have been over
weight/obese most your life. Excuse me, if I may be quite blunt! lol Did
you loose this weight for your sister/whomever or for you? I don't
understand how anyone much less a sister (close) not be of great support
for you, but that's life. You have a family and have become healthy for
them, but more so for yourself. Don't let your sister effect you so much as
you should try to gain weight back, just to make her happy. That would be
foolish on your part. You live for yourself not your sister. She sounds
like she has issues that need resolving, with or w/o your loosing weight.
1st... I would try communicating with her sister to sister. I can tell you
this much.....I would make the effort, but depending on her attitude....I
would not let it sabotage my weight loss in the least! Would you rather be
obese/unhealthy to have the closeness with your sister again or do you want
to be healthy for yourself and family, so that you can live longer for
them? The added bonus is that you can also be thin. Having this surgery for
most is "Not" to be thin as it is/should be to be healthy. Nuff
Said! I would just ignore her after you talk to her, if she remains the
same and I bet she does. She sounds like a self centered/immature person
that must be the center of attention, even with her closest of sisters. She
has inner problems, that needs fixing. lol I can understand this situation
bothering you to a point, but I can't see you considering anything short of
staying healthy. Sister or no sister! Remember the sacrifices made by
yourself including the possibility of complications/death to become
healthy! Do your thing and she will either adjust to it or stay in her own
little self centered world all by herself. Good Luck and Best Wishes.
Lap RNY....2/11/03....250/160/140
— Hazel S.
August 25, 2003
As the person in my family who was always the heaviest, I think that those
who have never been obese or even overweight do not understand what a joy
it is to have some real hope of a healthy, beautiful body. And they don't
know how we struggle, even though they think they understand our pain and
feel "bad for us". That is pity- not empathy. So when we simply
have the same exhuberance for life that they have (not flaunt it- just LIVE
for once!) they think that it is a major personality change.
I would talk these feelings out with your sister... I hope the best for
you. Remember that you are not responsible for anyone's feelings but your
own. Take care of yourself and don't let her negative feelings about your
great progress give you permission to sabotage yourself.
— kultgirl
August 25, 2003
I will never to my dying day understand "fat discrimination".
Were we bad people because we were overweight? Were we weak people because
we were overweight? Were we somehow diminished in intelligence because we
were overweight? NO WAY! Somehow being the "heavy one" often
puts one in a situation where others think they have power over you and if
you do something to take away that power, they feel threatened. Somehow
your sister feels threatened deep down by your weight loss. I've noticed
since I've lost so much weight that people treat me so differently and that
really pisses me off. If they didn't want to have anything to do with me
pre-op, who needs them post-op? I and most people who have had this
surgery did this to feel better and have a longer life. We didn't do this
to change anyone around us, but yet interpersonal relationships being what
they are, we have to deal with the "power loss" issues some
people have the "you won't want to be my friend" issues some
people have and just the downright rude, superficial people who suddenly
notice you. Just be the kind, loving sister you always have been, but
don't take any crap either. Let your sister you know what she has been
saying and that you don't appreciate it and ask her point blank what you
are doing to make her think this and then love her and get beyond it and
move on to the wonderful life you've created for yourself by taking such a
bold step! The best days are yet to be and you're to be congratulated for
taking hold of your health and making appropriate changes.
— Cathy S.
August 25, 2003
I'll toss my 2 cents in, hope I don't step on any toes. I'm still waiting
for my wls, but the reverse has happend to me quite a few times. While I am
big..fat...chunky...strong...husky...whatever society labels us, I was
determined that if I was not going to slim and trim I was going to
bull-strong. I have managed to do this, competeing in weight lifting
tournaments, and what does my brother say (many years ago?) Why do you
always have to be stronger than me? I've always been about 8 in. shorter,
and somehow he expected to be the strong silent type. Now here I come
along, and 'show him up' (his words). There's just no way to win a one
sided argument. Keep the love for her in your heart, be kind and
considerate and loving, don't let this attitude hinder your efforts.
Sometimes jelousy creeps in the tiniest crevices. Even my wife has let slip
that she dosen't think she would like me weighing less than she does. It
bothers me a bit, but I just keep on keepin' on...things will work out
eventually. Sometimes a small chat between other family members and the
sibling will bring about a different viewpoint. Keep going!! I'll get off
my soapbox now.
— track
August 25, 2003
Jealousy the green eyed monster. I would just be as sweet and as charming
as ever. It will drive her bonkers. I would talk to one of the sister's she
has been talking too to find out if you have been talking too much
orflaunting your weight loss. Take the high road. Remember to keep your
words soft and tender because tomorrow you may have to eat them.
— snicklefritz
August 26, 2003
Hi,
As a few of the others have mentioned, you may not be doing anything at
all. I find, that most people are very happy for us post ops and make
quite a fuss. Subconsciously, your sister may not be happy sharing the
spotlight with you, and is missing the attention that she may have
previously gotton. If it wasn't your weightloss, it could be major tattoos
or change in harstyle or color----anything that would take a major amount
of focus from her to you!! If you speak with her, she may deny it,
possibly not realizing the real reason for her being upset. I would just
try minimizing speaking about the surgery around her, and as one of the
others has mentioned, ask a few others if you actually have been talking
about the surgery and weight loss too much---I know it's hard not to. I am
accused of that too, and of being on this site, too much. Good luck!!!
— Fixnmyself
August 26, 2003
i wouldn't talk about any weightloss issue with your sister. who wants to
talk to someone who only talks about themself(or seems too)? i know it's
hard. i wouldn't mention anything at all. and if she asks you how much you
have lost ect...answer and change the subject quickly like you don't want
to talk about it. when she asks why you don't want to talk about it , tell
her you are afraid it is hurting your relationship. and you love her very
much and want to be close, but this is something you feel you can't share
with her anymore. i know she loves you too and this will open the door to
start talking to each other. 6days post-op
— franbvan
August 26, 2003
Michelle, your sister needs to grow up and be happy for you...You did
NOTHING wrong but make yourself healthier and she needs to be happy for
you...YOu keep flaunting that new sexy healthy body of yours and dont be
upset about what she says be happy and proud ok...good luck hon
— Deanna Wise
August 26, 2003
I'd start out by finding out what she is saying to your other sisters
first, then when you know, sit down and have a heart to heart with your
sister. Tell her how her words are making you feel and that you have
thoughts of sabotaging your weight loss, and would like her support. If
your sister truly cares about you, she will modify her behavior and be more
supportive. Now, take a good look at your behavior and ask yourself, are
you flaunting? You may not think you are, but you may be. One thing I
learned, is to go ahead and be happy but not to talk too much about it-do
all your gushing and discussing diet issues etc with those of us who have
had the surgery and can "relate". go out with another post-op,
then you can talk for hours and hours about the surgery and neither one of
you will get bored! Thats what I do..
— Cindy R.
August 26, 2003
If it's easier write your sister a letter and ask her why she cannot
support you in this new healthy life. It'd most likely that she was always
the thin one and got the attention and the men etc. and now she sees you as
a threat. You were always the large sister that was, her mind, no
competition to her. Obviously I do not know you sister and I'm just
throwing some ideas out here. The only way this is going to get better is
to get her to open up as to what her problem is. You actually are a weight
loss expert now, but in what it takes for your body. You have committed to
this new healthy life and are doing wonderfully. You should not hide
yourself or your thinner body. Make your sister realize this is her
problem and you are proud of yourself and if she cannot be the same for you
then you would appreciate her keeping her comments to herself. I realize
this will not be easy and it may hurt her but she has obviously hurt you
bad. Maybe your other sister can find out what is really going on or be
the moderator between you two to iron this out.
<p>I truly hope you two can work through this. Making a life
altering decision to get healthy should not have to end a sisterly
love/friendship. Good Luck! Chris
— zoedogcbr
August 27, 2003
I am pre-op right now. But at one time I lost over 70lbs. on a strict
diet. I felt so good, and I was wearing new clothes. I was flaunting my
new found figure. Someone who
I thought was my best friend at the time said to me. "I liked you
better when you were overweight." Yeah, I may have been going a bit
overboard in strutting my stuff. But,
eventually I would settle down into my maintaince program.
But unfortunately, I did let her comment get to me. Because,
after all these years and all the comments people have made about my
weight. I still remember that painful remark.
But I learned alot lessons from that experience. If someone has an issue
with my weigh loss. That is their problem, not mine. If I go a little too
crazy, I'll ask my friends to tell me to "mellow out". But I am
not going to allow anyone to sabotge my self esteem again.
Your sister's issues with your weigh loss are her problems.
Your family and friends know you for the person that your are. Hey, If you
did flaunt a little. So what? What is so
bad about feeling good? You worked so hard to get were are.
Best wishes and keep up the good work.
— Aynikaye
Click Here to Return