Question:
Husband is very opposed to surgery...anyone else have this problem?
I just told my husband that my PCP gave me a referral to consult with a bariatric surgeon. He's furious at me right now. He is very opposed to the surgery. I was for awhile too. I've tired of fighting a losing battle with my weight though. He thinks it's just a cosmetic surgery. He doesn't understand what it's like to be in my body. I don't know how to get him to have some compassion and support me. I feel really lost. — A M. (posted on January 31, 2003)
January 31, 2003
My husband was not happy when I fist started talking about having WLS
either. He told me if I died he would kill me (like to see that). Once I
went and met with the surgeon and he agreed that the surgery would be a
good thing for me he started being more supportive about it. Maybe you
should bring him along to your consult with your Dr. that way he can here
about all of the wonderful ways this can change your life. Don't forget
that some people like to have their mates over weight because it makes them
feel safe. That might be part of his problem even though he may never admit
it. Hope this helps and good luck!!!
— Kim R.
January 31, 2003
I too, had the same problem with my husband. When i met him I only weighed
148 lbs and I am 5'7. I went on to gain up to 249lbs (day of surgery). We
have 5 grown children and 3 grandchildren. He thought I had not tried
enough to warrant risking my life. But I had. I went through so many like
so many others have in diets. I would lose then regain more. The yo-yo.
I had this surgery for me with hopes that he would eventually understand
and support me. He kept and sometimes still does tell me I took the easy
way out. Its not easy....But thats ok, this is not about him..Its about
me. Well now almost 6 months out and over 80lbs lost he enjoys and likes
what he sees. He now worries about me eating right, exercising and getting
my protein in. He is not thrilled I did it. But in his way he is
supporting MY decision. So just be patient...They come around.. Good luck
to you and your decision.
— patti R.
January 31, 2003
Adriene, did he meet you and marry you while you were overweight? Some men
actually prefer their women "big" and losing weight is not a good
thing to them. Others feel extremely insecure and think that once you lose
weight you will lose interest in them and find another guy, and truthfully,
that has happened to alot of formerly obese women. Once they lose weight,
and men show interest, they can't help but be intrigued by the interest and
desire to test the waters. As for your husband, I think it is a learning
process for him. Does your surgeon have a support group meeting? If so,
try to get your husband to go to one. He needs to understand that this is
far from cosmetic-that our health is at stake. If he doesn't want a wife
that has a shortened life span due to diabetes, high blood pressure, sleep
apnea and all the fun things that happen when you are morbidly obese, he
will understand that it is essential that you lose weight. Also tell him
that 95% of all people who diet and lose weight end up regaining that
weight and more. Another reason why this surgery works where regular diets
do not. Tell him that you are going to have some life long committments
from this surgery and that this is not the easy way out at all. In the
long run, this is the decision that you have to make for yourself, and
although your husbands support would be wonderful, you may just have to go
it alone. Let's hope not.
— Cindy R.
January 31, 2003
Okay, who are you doing this for? You or him? Hopefully the answer is for
YOU! You don't need his 'approval' to do this. Its your body and your life.
You said it yourself, "He doesn't understandwhy it's like to be in my
body". Tell him what its like on a daily basis living as an obese
person. Its HELL! But, to help make him understand this, have him go to
your Dr. appt., have him research it on this site, have him ask questions,
etc. Its your job to educate him about it. Has he given any other reason
than it being "cosmetic"? (Which by the way, is a load of bull!)
Is he afraid of you losing the wieght and then you leaving him? Find out
what his fear is and be ready to give him an educated answer as to why
those things won't happen. I've found when spouses react this way its out
of the 'fear of the unknown'. I hope he comes around for your sake.
— Kris T.
January 31, 2003
My husband was opposed at first too. But the more involved I got him the
more he came around. I took him to talk with my PCP to understand why I
needed and wanted this surgery. Then he went with me to my surgeon
consult. I still tell him about the information I get from this website
almost everyday. Educated him, include him, hopefully he will come around
too. I wish you the best on your journey.
— Annette H.
January 31, 2003
my husband was initiall reluctant, felt it was too drastic, but willing to
support me so I could feel better. The big change: a guy he knew and hadn't
seen in a long time went from lost a huge> 100#, thru... you guessed it
WLS. I don't even know the guy but he is my friend now! he told my husb.
all about the surgery in a positive way. I think the support groups would
also be a wonderful idea.
— **willow**
January 31, 2003
I only have one question for you. If(god forbid) you found out you had
cancer, would your husband question or disapprove of kemotherapy or some
other type of treatment? CANCER IS A DISEASE!!! OBESITY IS A DISEASE!!!
Maybe you should ask him that question. I sincerely hope that he will come
to his senses and realize that this is a treatment for a disease that will
only get worse if left alone. Don't get me wrong I am not putting your
husband down I am just saying that maybe he doesn't understand it or see it
that way and realize that obesity is so serious. I wish you all the luck
in the world but to tell you the truth if my hubby would have disagreed
with my having the surgery, and I love my husband dearly, I would have
still had it anyway because it was my lifesaver and who better to save my
life than me.
— DRutherford
January 31, 2003
I agree with Cindy. My husband met me as a "big" woman, and well,
he likes me that way. When I first decided I wanted to have wls, he was
completely against it. He told me he would NOT support me in any way, and
that I should NOT expect him to "be there" for me. I think he
thought I would cave in and change my mind, but I didn't. I pretty much
told him that whether he liked it or not, I WAS going to have wls. I think
that he was also scared of the "what if's". "What if
something happens to her?", "what if she leaves me later?",
etc...We've had 7 months since I made my decision, to go through every
single scenario, and he's finally ok with it. Once he realizes that this is
what's best for you, he'll come around.
— Cat S.
January 31, 2003
Well, my husband was opposed at first too. Thought it was too drastic,
etc. I took him to a meeting of the local bariatric support group. His
tune changed after that!!! He saw all these people who had different
surgeries (RNY, band, BPD) who were healthy and in good spirits. He
realized that it would benefit me. Also, is your husband the jealous type?
He might be worried that you will go to greener pastures after you lose
the weight. I suggest taking him to a support group meeting where he can
ask questions and see people who have had this surgery up close. If he is
unwilling to do any of these things, then you need to ask yourself what is
important to you? Being with someone who cannot support you in a difficult
time or starting a new, healthy life with a future full of possibilities.
Good luck to you. Carol
— daisymae
January 31, 2003
Whoo-boy, can I relate to that one!!! My husband actually *forbid* me to
have surgery, yes, he actually said the word *forbid*. I left it alone for
a few weeks, and then regrouped my army and went back into the trenches
again. I had begun keeping a *diary/journal* of how I was feeling because
of my obesity...what pains I faced every day and my emotional pain of not
being able to control myself...I *accidentally* left it out and he read it
*wink-wink*. It changed his mind right then and there...seeing on paper my
true feelings really hit him hard. And seeing the anguished feelings I had
when he *forbid* my last ditch effort to lose weight and get
healthy...well, he started to research wls with me after that...and he
became a somewhat reluctant supporter. He came to grips with the idea and
told me if it was what he wanted, he would support me. I went ahead with
my surgery...and now, he is my very biggest fan. He tells EVERYONE about
my surgery, and how well I did with it, and how proud of me he is...and how
this was the BEST thing that I have ever done...besides giving birth to our
2 sons...the moral of this story is you are going to have to educate your
significant other. You need to educate this person on YOU as well...how
you are feeling, how your emotions are, what you feel like inside...what
your body feels like...what you are facing as you get older as a morbidly
obese person. And make your significant other a part of this
journey...don't leave them out in the cold. Discuss it...discuss their
fears, their hopes. My husband was afraid of 2 things...that I would get
skinny and leave him, and that I wouldn't like to cook anymore. Well, I
haven't left him, and have no intention of it...and I still LOVE to cook,
and I have absolutely no problem with cooking a great big dinner for my
family...I enjoy seeing how they enjoy it. Good Luck and Have a Sparkling
Day!! ~CAE~
— Mustang
January 31, 2003
Yes I can relate. Hubby was not keen on the idea. I even had him at my
therapist and he voiced his opposition to her. But...He did go into the
consult...met the surgeon, dietian and the counselor (who was a WLS patient
and brought pis). A good friend has since had the surgery and has lost 159
lbs in 6 months time and feels great and look wonderful so this has really
helped. Plus I got him to check out this site several times with me. THis
place is a big help.....I started with the before and after pics then to
the message boards! Now I think he is as ecxited as me. Yeah there is still
a question or two he will ask but we just look it up on here and get
several answers! This site is great!
— Jamie M.
January 31, 2003
I understand the replies of "he met me big, he prefers big
women"... but big ain't always healthy. As for me, I wasn't big when
I met my hubby- I was not petite either- BUT, I was alive &
breathing!!! If you would have asked my hubby before surgery if he prefers
me alive & breathing... no matter what I must do to remain that way- he
would have said yes......
— Karen R.
January 31, 2003
My husband was opposed also at first. He felt we could just diet. We have
tried that for more years then I can remember and always failed. I took him
to several support meetings and to an orientation and now he is supporting
me. I think the biggest problem is that they are scared of losing us and
they listen to too many unimformed people with their own ideas. Go for it.
— Carol H.
January 31, 2003
Maybe your PCP could review your health issues with your husband. I'm sure
s/he (the PCP) didn't make the surgery referral if there were not
significant health concerns. As my PCP pointed out..."this is NOT a
cosmetic surgery". Perhaps your husband doesn't understand that the
desired surgery results are *medical*, and the weight loss is just a happy
side-effect :o) Best of luck to you.
P.S. My husband's reaction to my desire for surgery is a little
strange...he doesn't understand why I want the surgery, but he is
supportive. He is also very overweight and feels that he could lose thru
diet and exercise.
— Mea A.
January 31, 2003
Deep breath...My husband was also...still is a little unhappy with my
choice, actually...He was VERY against this. I started talking about it
two years ago. He pretty much said NO WAY...YOU DON'T NEED IT. I wanted
to believe him. I wanted to think I could just diet, execise and loose
weight. So I tried. Two MORE years of trying. (7 total) Finally, I sat
him down and had a heart to heart. I explained, as calmly as I
could...that my life is hell right now. That I can't do anything
normal...I can't walk the grocery store, play with my kid...And he realized
that I wasn't just trying to be "thin and pretty" but that I was
trying to get my life back. You need to talk to your husband and explain
to him WHY you need this surgery...If he won't listen to it, write him a
letter. My husband explained to me that he's scared I'll die or that I'll
get thin, realize that I can do better then him, and leave him. I had to
explain to him that I didn't marry him because he was the best I could
do...but because I loved him and will continue to love him no matter what I
look like. Include your hubby in your research...bring him to doctor's
appointments...let him see how much you weigh and if he's in
shape...compare his weight to your's. Like I did with my husband...I
said... "You're 6 feet tall and over a 100 lbs lighter then me! Do
you now SEE how much OW I am?" He never knew my true weight. When
compared to him, he could see how this weight was an issue for me. Maybe
that might help. Email me if you want to talk.
— Renee B.
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