Question:
Help for dealing with people putting me down for being with a M.O fiance
My fiance is in the process of having WLS. The problem is with my co-workers, stangers, and family putting me down for being with a M.O. man. I have learned to ignore stangers for making rude comments, but sometimes it still hurts. My co-workers and family go on & on about how I must have low self esteem, and how much of a slob, pig etc.. by fiance is. I try to stick up for us and tell them how great my fiance and his heart are. How do I deal with all these people who are putting me down? I have been on this awesome site to learn, so please no mean comments. — [Anonymous] (posted on August 21, 2001)
August 21, 2001
Sounds to me like your fiance' is a wonderful man. Consider yourself lucky
for finding him. Do you know how many good men are actually left?? Not
that many. The next time someone says anything just tell them you
understand their jealousy. That should do the trick. Just remember that
not all morbidly obese people are "slobs" &
"pigs"...infact, I've noticed we try to overcompensate for that
very stereotype. Congratulations to your fiance' for taking this huge life
step...sounds to me like he wants a change for a better life-and to avoid
cruel people, such as the ones you have to deal with daily.
Your future husband--perhaps the father of your children doesn't need the
approval of all those people just yours, so ignore them be his
rock...because this is a BIG life change. Besides, when he's slender and
svelt; they'll be drowling at your hottie.
Good Luck and congratulations!
— Kristin R.
August 21, 2001
How about: "I appreciate how much concern you have for my welfare.
However, I'm justed as concerned about your lack of ability to see the
wonderful things in life that dwell beneath the surface. I guess we really
can't help each other very much, can we?" Then walk away.
— BethVBG
August 21, 2001
Isn't it sad that people still judge other based on appearance? They won't
even look beyond the weight to see that a caring feeling person is there.
Next time the comments happen, just say " Wow, I never realized how
shallow you are. People like you are sad and are missing out on a lot of
great people". Then if these people are your friends, get new
friends. How can you consider these people friends, if they talk that way
about the man you love? And as for family, true you can't pick your
family, but you can avoid them. I personally wouldn't put up with it at
all.
— [Anonymous]
August 21, 2001
I think your fiance is a lucky guy. Not only did you see past his disease,
but you are here, educating yourself & even working on the social end.
Wow. Now that I am "in diguise", I hear those comments and love
to whip out my befores. I've been this size for some time, so don't have
that fresh postie look any more. The shock value of some people thinking
they have been discussing some subhuman species with one of "their own
kind", who turns out to be one of "them" is priceless. Do
they really think, in their heart of hearts, that because our disease shows
on the outside that we have contracted it out of stupidity or laziness?
Well, yes. Duh. Answered my own question. Reminds me of when I was growing
up in the 50's. We were not allowed to eat candy because it would
"cause diabetes", which was a shameful thing because it was
induced by Bad Eating. At least diabetics could "hide" their
disease. Ignorant. And PROUD of it. Kinda brings up your lunch, doesn't
it?
— vitalady
August 21, 2001
I think the fact that we even have to applaud someone for not being
superficial and seeing a person for who they are is so tragic and
indicative of this world's skewed view of a person's worth. The next time
someone presumes to tell you what is wrong with you because you have chosen
a man who is obese, point but to them that you know who you are with and
you can make your own choices. I suppose you could also say how sad it
makes you that they are so hung up on what he looks like and not who he is.
The day will come when they will eat their words, so take satisfaction in
knowing that. I am searching for a man who will love me for me,
unfortunately I probably won't find him until after I lose my weight. That
has more to do with me than it does the men I meet, I just don't feel men
are attracted to me and would want me that way. That is a by-product of
living in this world where people continually tell me and other MO folks
how worthless, disgusting and sub-human we are. Congratulations to you for
having the self-confidence to love someone for who he is, not what he looks
like. Your reward will be when he has his surgery and loses his weight, he
will be gorgeous on the outside. You knew that all along, didn't you?
— Diana M.
August 21, 2001
What ever happened to "Beauty is not only skin deep?" who you
love and want to spend your life with is no ones business. At 41, I
remarried a wonderful man....should I have NOT married him because he has a
bald spot...or should he have NOT married me because at the time of my
wedding I weighed 295?? At this point in my life, I am making decisions
that please me!! Good luck with your future!
— chance2lv
August 21, 2001
I'm the MO one in my marriage..my husband is as slender as they come. We
met on line and fell in love before we ever laid eyes on each other. While
our marriage has had difficulties (don't they all?), I can't imagine my
husband's fury if someone were to comment about my weight the way your
acquaintances have your fiance's. I don't want to be valued for anything
other than the fact that God saw fit to create me and to love me. If any
person sees me as less of a human being, then that is their issue and I
REFUSE to make it mine. My husband will tell anyone who stands still long
enough that he is the luckiest man for having met me. Being MO didn't
diminish me at all in his eyes. If you love your fiance the way many of us
MO's are blessed enough to be loved....then the stones others throw will
lose some of their sting.
— Sharon_Cauthen
August 21, 2001
My husband's family are all very, very skinny. I have been the talked
about, laughed about and commented about, especially by his size 2 sister
for ten years now. One day, after beginning my research on WLS, I decided
that would no longer be that person. So one day when they made my comments
in front of me, I pulled out a photocopy of a description of MO, stating
that it was actually a disease and not a "human failing", and not
something that I had much control over at the moment. I also told him how
large my stomach really was. Then I asked them if they would still be
laughing at me if I had cancer or another disease, because that was what
they were doing. I know I didn't change their total outlook on obese
people, but at least they shut up to me. That is important. And all I
want is to be healthy...and if that is what your fiance wants...GO FOR
IT!!! Good luck to him!
— Mustang
December 27, 2002
The main thing that you have to remember is this: There are a lot of snide,
rude people out there who do not care about people's feelings. Whatever
comments they make, has to do with what THEY feel or what THEY think. Since
YOU know that you love your fiance and what kind of life you have together,
whether it's Pre-WLS or Post-WLS, who gives a rats a** about what noises
come out of someone else's mouth?? The fact of the matter is that these
kind of people will spend more time talking about you and your fiance so
they dont have to spend time thinking about what's wrong in their own
lives. Don't let them get to you and when they start rambling on, just say
"Blah.. Blah.. Blah.." or "Sorry.. What was that? Funny,
you're standing right in front of me, but I cant hear what you're
saying" and then just walk away. Just because someone says something
doesn't mean you have to believe it or that it's the truth. Good luck with
that and with his WLS :o)
— Destonia
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