Question:
Good way to approach MO people re surgery?

Every time I see a MO person I want to run up and tell them there IS a way out! But the few times I've tried, very discreetly (talking quietly and only if they're alone), I don't think I've gotten through and have sometimes created resentment. I'm sure others have had this problem. Does anyone have a method that seems to work?    — Chris T. (posted on June 28, 2003)


June 28, 2003
I don't know if there is a way to do it... I think many MO people who aren't considering WLS are intimidated by those who have had it. I was going to say maybe if it is a family member or a friend it might be easier, but then I remembered all the stories I have read about this type of communication going wrong. It might be one of those things where the person has to ask you first.
   — Tim W.

June 28, 2003
I really don't think that it is appropriate. I was just remembering today the SEVERAL times someone approached me and told me about their new powerful approach to dieting. I specifically remember two different occassions when I was out dancing with my friends, feeling like I was looking good. I was having drinks, gotten attention from a few desirable males, and WHOOSH!!! that was all ripped out from under me by someone (a stranger) approaching me and telling me about their GREAT diet. The first time it was about the Susan Powter diet, and the second time it was about Metabolife. You know that my night was ruined. I went from feeling cute and full of life to becoming fat and ugly, so much that a stranger would take it upon themselves to approach me. lol In fact, the time the Susan Powter zealot approached me, I was fresh from losing 100 lbs. That sure made me feel like, "why did I bother?" You don't know what is going on in someone's life at that moment, so the best thing is to keep it to oneself. However, I will say that it took me awhile to find this website, and it has been tremendously helpful. I would love to see advertisements appearing places, leading 'our people' to this website, and providing some direction. Just my two cents.
   — TameraD

June 28, 2003
Chris, I understand your desire to tell people about the wonders of WLS, but please don't continue to offer unsolicited advice. You have no idea whether these people have insurance or the monetary means to have surgery. And, besides, it's just bringing attention to the fact that they are MO and that is embarrassing. I want to tell a lot of people about the surgery but I would never approach anyone who didn't ask. I have been known to talk about it with friends in the presence of someone who could use it, hoping they would ask for details. I've even talked to friends in line at the grocery when there was a MO person nearby hoping the person would ask for information. But to approach someone and just tell them there's a way to lose the weight - no way. I know your heart was in the right place. It's just important to remember that MO people are easily offended and emabarrased.
   — Patty_Butler

June 28, 2003
in today's newsdriven world, I would be totally shocked if someone was not already aware of WLS - and had heard either good or bad things about it and had already made up their minds about it - with or without further research. I really abhor people who think its a good thing to preach - whether its about a new drug, diet, "cure" or religion. I appreciate your desire to be helpful, but I hope you contain it when around those you don't know well enough to approach.
   — [Deactivated Member]

June 28, 2003
There is <b>no</b> good way to approach MO people regarding this surgery. They need to come to this decision on their own. I had a couple of doctors suggest this to me as well as my wife about a year before I decided to do it - I was resistant to the idea then. I had to decide for myself that it was the right thing for me. Just like my wife had to decide for herself (she's about 2 months out - I am about a year out). Would you have liked it if someone had approached you prior to your surgery? Or even worse, a few months after your surgery if you were still MO at that time? I agree about it. If someone MO who had known you pre-op (but didn't know about you having the surgery) comes up and asks you how you lost all of that weight, then go ahead and tell them if you wish. But to go up to a total MO stranger? I wouldn't...JR
   — John Rushton

June 28, 2003
don't do it... forget about it -- its RUDE! Think what you want, but don't open your mouth and don't act on it.
   — Lisa C.

June 28, 2003
I wait for someone to ask me how I lost my weight, and if it is someone who is MO, then I go into the fact that I had surgery. I also go and tell them that if they would like to hear my thoughts and opinions about wls then I would be more than happy to speak to them about it. If a regular person comments about my weight loss then I just tell them that I have a diet and exercise routine that I follow because I don't necessarily want to hear everyone's opinion whether I did the right or the wrong thing....my opinion is the only one that counts.
   — Kelly P.

June 28, 2003
First of all, you really don't know if there's a "way out" for every M.O. you see. Some cannot have the surgery because of insurance, financial, or health limitations that aren't visible to you, and you could really be causing some serious pain by bringing up the topic of WLS, unsolicited. Second, there's been so much publicity about this surgery, most folks are aware it exists already. Third, if someone had walked up to me, unsolicited, and suggested WLS, they'd have ruined my day (I would *never* feel grateful to anyone that rude or presumptuous) and possibly delayed my interest (if not turned it off entirely). An alternative to all of that is to be open about your success to anyone who asks and is genuinely interested in how you did it; that may open the door to someone who would like to hear more to ask you about it on behalf of themselves or someone else. Just think, though, how you'd feel about cheerleading someone into this surgery if they wound up with complications or worse. In the end, we all have to come to this decision on our own.
   — Suzy C.

June 28, 2003
I've been approached only once by a well-meaning stranger who had WLS. She was at a wedding shop when my mother and I were gown shopping for my wedding in 2000. The saleslady was very attentive and sympathetic about finding a dress in my size, then casually brought up her surgery. My mother began laughing. The saleslady asked 'Is your friend against it?' I replied, 'That's my mother and she had it 1992.' She apologized profusely and I asked her if she had suggested it to other plus size clients and she admitted I was the first! (Said something about me being 'open' to it - probably because I was already aware of it. ^_^) She and mom went into talking about it and mom gently told her not to bring it up first, it embarrasses others because someone notices their weight, even if the person is well-intentioned. If there is something even more dangerous to talk about than politics, religion, and sex, it's weight loss.
   — Jill S.

June 28, 2003
Good friends and family, sure! With EXTREME tact! Strangers or recent acquaintences? NO WAY. Don't set yourself up to be smacked down. I want to do the same thing, but... I know prior to surgery, I would have grabbed at the chance to know about it... and did, in fact! BUT, it was my mother-in-law who told me... not some stranger on the sidewalk. Keep bubbling! :~)
   — Sharon M. B.

June 28, 2003
I say don't do it. If someone approached me even now that I am waiting for surgery, I would be hurt. I know I'm overweight and certainly don't want a stranger telling me that I need weight loss surgery no matter how well intentioned their actions are. However, if someone notices how much weight you have lost and wants to know how you did it, then by all means tell them about the surgery. Keep it in perspective to you not passing it on as if you feel they should do it. <BR><BR> You really don't know what the person's medical history is. Maybe they have been trying to have the surgery and turned down (denied) or maybe there are serious medical issues or financial issues that may prevent them from having the surgery. I think weight loss (whether dieting, surgery, or not doing a thing) is a totally personal issue UNLESS the person choses to ask for advice etc. <BR><BR> I'm sure many of us have been hurt deeply by well meaning family, friends, and strangers.
   — [Deactivated Member]

June 28, 2003
Hi, Chris. I've been tempted to go up to someone, especially when I see a MO person who is obviously in pain, and I just want to tell them about this opportunity. But at this point, as a pre-op, I just can't. I probably won't as a post-op either, but I have brought it up in almost every possible conversation where it can be casually introduced that I'm having surgery in August, and I think that intrigues people. Now granted, I don't go up to a perfect stranger and say "I'm having WLS in August...." They'd think I was some kind of lunatic. But if I'm conversing with someone, I'll kind of bring up something like, "I wonder if this would be good to take to the hospital with me..." or "Darn, this outfit won't fit right now, but maybe it will in a few months..." Then if they ask questions about it further, I'm happy to answer them. If they don't, I let it drop. After surgery, and the pounds start coming off, you can bet I'll tell anybody who asks about this surgery. I am forever grateful to my co-worker Lee who told me how she lost weight, and then answered all my questions about it. I pray that I can be an inspiration for someone else, as she was to me.
   — Moysa B.

June 28, 2003
About a year ago I was on a metro transit bus for handicapped people and the bus driver began to talk about how he had just lost a significant amount of weight. He asked me if I would like to hear how he did it and I told him "NO." He was totally flummoxed. If he had gone to talk about it anyway, I would have filed a formal complaint against him with the transit authority. As it was, I was considering complaining. I found it abusive and degrading. If that were to happen today, having already made my decision for having WLS, I would have filed that formal complaint against him so fast his head would've spinned. Unsolicited weight loss advice is the same to me as if someone would come up to me and advise me to get a face lift or have "that scar" removed. And that is MY 2 cents worth. LOL
   — Judy K.

June 28, 2003
I was only overweight for 5 years so I dont' know if my thoughts or views on this count BUT when I was getting to be HUGE (in my own mind) and feeling hopelessly frustrated, the last thing I wanted to know was that other people were ALSO aware of how HUGE I was. I would have wanted to crawl into a hole. So I don't think that approaching strangers is a good idea. I knew WLS was out there but I didn't think it was for me. Until I came to THAT decision, I didn't want to hear how big other people thought I was. Secondly, even if you clue someone in and give them hope, suppose they can't do it financially or don't have insurance? Why throw that light of hope on them and only extinguish it later? Suppose their family medical is such that they would be a high risk? Suppose their family is set against it? Or suppose they have some kind of personal or religious belief that would not permit it? Tread carefully.
   — susanje

June 28, 2003
Don't want to sound like I'm flaming you, but most people who talk to others about life changing behaviors are going to get some kind of resentment even if it's not openly expressed. People don't like to be told what to do. I only share with those who ask--no more. It's not my job to save the world. Sometimes you think you're doing good by saying things to people, but most times you're building up resentment. MO people for the most part are kind of sensitive about their appearance and size and are only going to change when they've decided to see advice. That's the only time to share.
   — Cathy S.

June 28, 2003
You've GOT to be kidding! And how would you have felt before your surgery if someone walked up to you and said, "hey, I see you're morbidly obese and I would like to tell you how you can lose your excess weight which makes you look terribly uncomfortable and probably affects other parts of your life". Would you have appreciated their input? I don't know you, but I think not. With all the media coverage, obese people are certainly aware of the surgery option, whether they would ever consider it or not, unless they have been living in a void somewhere. There are many reasons people will not or cannot choose to have the surgery and they most certainly DO NOT NEED TO BE REMINDED that they should lose some weight. Be happy with what has worked for you, but leave those of us alone who have to do it on our own without the benefit of surgery.
   — [Deactivated Member]

June 28, 2003
I have a question for you. Before you were prepared to do something about your weight, how did you feel when people approached you and "suggested" you do something about your weight??? It's none of your business unless you are asked for your opinion. Everyone has to do things in their own time and just because you found an answer for your weight problem, doesn't mean that it is the best thing for everyone else.
   — Ceil G.

June 28, 2003
I dont think ANYONE should go up to someone and 'tell them'. If your in a situation and someone 'asks' then feel free to 'talk' away. In todays world, with the 'media attention' Im sure there arnt many who dont know about WLS. If someone has just come up to me and 'talked' I would have been upset.. Just as if someone had come up to me and said' I have a diet; or do you know your fat, etc.. Its a wonderful tool.. but its like RELIGION... dont bring it up unless somone brings it up first, and wants your opion. My husband 'talks' about me alot at work... and will call me up and say 'will you talk to so and so' wife about wls'.. the first thing I ask is 'does the wife want to talk; or does the husband want me to 'talk'' I will ONLY talk to the wife if she is asking.... Your happy with the wls.. but pleasse dont go up to strangers.... If you want to help.. over it to your WLS support group.
   — star .

June 28, 2003
I've been tempted too. I'm amazed at how many obese people who have seen me loose the weight act as if they completely aren't interested. Oh well. I know if I witnessed the transformation I'd be all over that person (which also is a turn off for some people..touchy touchy). I've also had maybe 15 requests for my number in the last two years, to "talk about it" and I've only actually had one call me. I don't get it either Chris, I would have been elated to see and hear about the surgery first hand from someone who'd been there. I called everyone who offered their number to me before surgery. I personally wouldn't have the brass just to approach a stranger about it...I'm not a social person in general. But, if I talk to someone long enough it generally comes out. I don't think a day goes by that I don't whip my pictures out. I had a heavy set lady comment to me about my looking at all the nutrition labels on my food before I put them in my cart at the market. We ended up having a half hour discussion about weight loss/plastic sugery etc. Little segways like that make it easy to bring up surgery. Generally for me it's when someone comments on the range of cloths in their closet...and I start with oh I can relate, I have sizes going up to 28/30 in my closet...after they pick their jaw up off the ground it becomes the perfect door opener. Maybe feeling people out first and making little comments like that can open doorways. I think even though their is a lot of media coverage, a lot of people don't realize that many insurance companies have coverage for the surgery...I still get surprised responses when I tell people it didn't cost me thousands of dollars. Best wishes for your continued wl success! -Kim open RNY 7/17/01 -150ish
   — KimBo36

June 29, 2003
Why dont you try getting one of the t-shirts from this site that advertise wls or your weight loss. You could also have a button made with your pre-op pic on it. That way people could approach you if they are interested and you dont have to risk offending anyone. terri top weight:480 preop388/270/200
   — cherokey55

June 29, 2003
Dang! We have a lot of harsh responses on here! We shouldn't burn a person just for asking a question, you all! Chris, I like the suggestion about getting one of the tee shirts and wearing it when you feel like. If someone is curious about the surgery and they see you wearing that, they will surely come up and talk with you. I wouldn't approach a person with a suggestion, just for the basic fact that it might hurt someone's feelings, even coming from someone who might be MO themselves. But, I applaud your caring nature, and your wanting to help others. I think that is refreshing in a day of age where most people only focus on themselves. Anyways. Keep on caring about your fellow man, and good luck with your weight loss, everyone.
   — Lisa S.

June 29, 2003
Ah, you can lead a horse to water..... my husband and I have both had WLS and done well. My sister-in-law (my husband's sister) is super MO, and has asked questions and is interested in how we are doing, but has made no move on her own to seek out infomation or even see if her insurance would cover the surgery. (She lives several hundred miles away.) It really is inappropriate to bring up the subject with someone - what if that person has tried to get surgery and run up against a brick wall with their insurance company? I would feel pretty bad about doing that - talk about pain! Sadly, there is really no good way to approach someone about this subject unless they bring it up.
   — koogy

June 29, 2003
Chris, this is a hard situation. It's been posted before, and usually the general consensus is to not approach someone, b/c there really is no good way to do it. Believe me, I've thought soo many times "if they just knew about this surgery..." But the truth is, almost everyone these days does know about WLS. And there are different circumstances for each person, they may not want it b/c they have no insurance or cannot pay for it; or they knw about it but don't want to deal with the risks, b/c this is MAJOR surgery not to be taken lightly as some do; or they may already be in the process of getting to surgery. I'd love to help fellow MO's with it, but its not for everyone. And I do know a few super MO's who have seen me lose weight and think its great, but the risk of death is higher for them personally and they don't want to eat tiny portions. And I would also hate to feel guilt of suggesting WLS to someone and then some bad complication happen to them. That's a very good question, though. Maybe you can get one of the AMOS t-shrts that say you had surgery, so if an MO sees you, they would go up to you if they want to. Goodluck to you Chris! :-)
   — Lezlie Y.

June 29, 2003
MYOB. Your arrogance is appalling, subject not withstanding.
   — miserable U.

June 29, 2003
I must admit I have done this, and after reporting it here and getting scolded found a better way. I called my local paper and pitched thew story to the health editor. Got our pictures in the paper and saw our support group attendance climb. Now people I have never met recognze me on the street and thank me for that story and show me their before photo. I helped save their lives. My surgeon has told me this too. You helped so many! Try the local media, newspaPERS, TV ETC. The URLs for the story aree on my profile.
   — bob-haller

June 30, 2003
Chris, I felt the same way as you, and was so happy after I lost my weight, that I wanted to "help" all the other morbidly obese people I saw by telling them my story. I never did and when I posted something similar here, got similar responses. The responses gave me food for thought and I decided in the end, though the desire is still there to share, I certainly did not want to offend or hurt anyone by raising the subject first. I think the T-shirt idea is great, and would probably illicit some questions. Your a good soul to want to help others, but the other posters are right, we don't want to create resentment or hurt feelings.
   — Cindy R.

June 30, 2003
Picture this..........13 days after surgery. I've just come from getting my staples out at my surgeon's office. I've lost 18 pounds in the first 2 weeks. My jeans are already feeling a little baggy. I'm high on life cause I'm feeling GREAT ABOUT MYSELF for the first time in a long time. I stop at the grocery store on the way home and a 5'1" 110# well dressed professional woman who I'd never met before walked up to me and told me I should check into that "fat surgery that Wilson girl had" cause I had such a pretty face it was a shame I was so fat. I went from one of the best moments in time to one of the worst because of a "well meaning" person who had NO IDEA what was going on in my life. She didn't know me from Jane S**t. But she thought it would be "helpful" if she told me about weight loss surgery. Granted, her wording left a lot to be desired but the result was the same. I felt like dirt. I know you only want to help folks but please, don't do it. Let them approach you. Do what Bob suggested and contact news agencies if you want your story told. Get a t-shirt made with your before picture on the front and "Ask me how I lost weight" printed on the back. Walk around the shopping mall with sandwich boards on saying "I had weight loss surgery and am happy to answer any questions you have about it". Just please, don't single people out for your "help". It is embarassing and humiliating. I'll put my soapbox away now. :)
   — Pam S.




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