Question:
Good way to approach MO people re surgery?
Every time I see a MO person I want to run up and tell them there IS a way out! But the few times I've tried, very discreetly (talking quietly and only if they're alone), I don't think I've gotten through and have sometimes created resentment. I'm sure others have had this problem. Does anyone have a method that seems to work? — Chris T. (posted on June 28, 2003)
June 28, 2003
I don't know if there is a way to do it... I think many MO people who
aren't considering WLS are intimidated by those who have had it. I was
going to say maybe if it is a family member or a friend it might be easier,
but then I remembered all the stories I have read about this type of
communication going wrong. It might be one of those things where the
person has to ask you first.
— Tim W.
June 28, 2003
I really don't think that it is appropriate. I was just remembering today
the SEVERAL times someone approached me and told me about their new
powerful approach to dieting. I specifically remember two different
occassions when I was out dancing with my friends, feeling like I was
looking good. I was having drinks, gotten attention from a few desirable
males, and WHOOSH!!! that was all ripped out from under me by someone (a
stranger) approaching me and telling me about their GREAT diet. The first
time it was about the Susan Powter diet, and the second time it was about
Metabolife. You know that my night was ruined. I went from feeling cute
and full of life to becoming fat and ugly, so much that a stranger would
take it upon themselves to approach me. lol In fact, the time the Susan
Powter zealot approached me, I was fresh from losing 100 lbs. That sure
made me feel like, "why did I bother?" You don't know what is
going on in someone's life at that moment, so the best thing is to keep it
to oneself. However, I will say that it took me awhile to find this
website, and it has been tremendously helpful. I would love to see
advertisements appearing places, leading 'our people' to this website, and
providing some direction. Just my two cents.
— TameraD
June 28, 2003
Chris,
I understand your desire to tell people about the wonders of WLS, but
please don't continue to offer unsolicited advice. You have no idea
whether these people have insurance or the monetary means to have surgery.
And, besides, it's just bringing attention to the fact that they are MO and
that is embarrassing. I want to tell a lot of people about the surgery but
I would never approach anyone who didn't ask. I have been known to talk
about it with friends in the presence of someone who could use it, hoping
they would ask for details. I've even talked to friends in line at the
grocery when there was a MO person nearby hoping the person would ask for
information. But to approach someone and just tell them there's a way to
lose the weight - no way.
I know your heart was in the right place. It's just important to remember
that MO people are easily offended and emabarrased.
— Patty_Butler
June 28, 2003
in today's newsdriven world, I would be totally shocked if someone was not
already aware of WLS - and had heard either good or bad things about it and
had already made up their minds about it - with or without further
research. I really abhor people who think its a good thing to preach -
whether its about a new drug, diet, "cure" or religion. I
appreciate your desire to be helpful, but I hope you contain it when around
those you don't know well enough to approach.
— [Deactivated Member]
June 28, 2003
There is <b>no</b> good way to approach MO people regarding
this surgery. They need to come to this decision on their own. I had a
couple of doctors suggest this to me as well as my wife about a year before
I decided to do it - I was resistant to the idea then. I had to decide
for myself that it was the right thing for me. Just like my wife had to
decide for herself (she's about 2 months out - I am about a year out).
Would you have liked it if someone had approached you prior to your
surgery? Or even worse, a few months after your surgery if you were still
MO at that time? I agree about it. If someone MO who had known you
pre-op (but didn't know about you having the surgery) comes up and asks you
how you lost all of that weight, then go ahead and tell them if you wish.
But to go up to a total MO stranger? I wouldn't...JR
— John Rushton
June 28, 2003
don't do it... forget about it -- its RUDE! Think what you want, but don't
open your mouth and don't act on it.
— Lisa C.
June 28, 2003
I wait for someone to ask me how I lost my weight, and if it is someone who
is MO, then I go into the fact that I had surgery. I also go and tell them
that if they would like to hear my thoughts and opinions about wls then I
would be more than happy to speak to them about it. If a regular person
comments about my weight loss then I just tell them that I have a diet and
exercise routine that I follow because I don't necessarily want to hear
everyone's opinion whether I did the right or the wrong thing....my opinion
is the only one that counts.
— Kelly P.
June 28, 2003
First of all, you really don't know if there's a "way out" for
every M.O. you see. Some cannot have the surgery because of insurance,
financial, or health limitations that aren't visible to you, and you could
really be causing some serious pain by bringing up the topic of WLS,
unsolicited. Second, there's been so much publicity about this surgery,
most folks are aware it exists already. Third, if someone had walked up to
me, unsolicited, and suggested WLS, they'd have ruined my day (I would
*never* feel grateful to anyone that rude or presumptuous) and possibly
delayed my interest (if not turned it off entirely). An alternative to all
of that is to be open about your success to anyone who asks and is
genuinely interested in how you did it; that may open the door to someone
who would like to hear more to ask you about it on behalf of themselves or
someone else. Just think, though, how you'd feel about cheerleading
someone into this surgery if they wound up with complications or worse. In
the end, we all have to come to this decision on our own.
— Suzy C.
June 28, 2003
I've been approached only once by a well-meaning stranger who had WLS. She
was at a wedding shop when my mother and I were gown shopping for my
wedding in 2000. The saleslady was very attentive and sympathetic about
finding a dress in my size, then casually brought up her surgery. My
mother began laughing. The saleslady asked 'Is your friend against it?' I
replied, 'That's my mother and she had it 1992.' She apologized profusely
and I asked her if she had suggested it to other plus size clients and she
admitted I was the first! (Said something about me being 'open' to it -
probably because I was already aware of it. ^_^) She and mom went into
talking about it and mom gently told her not to bring it up first, it
embarrasses others because someone notices their weight, even if the person
is well-intentioned. If there is something even more dangerous to talk
about than politics, religion, and sex, it's weight loss.
— Jill S.
June 28, 2003
Good friends and family, sure! With EXTREME tact! Strangers or recent
acquaintences? NO WAY. Don't set yourself up to be smacked down. I want to
do the same thing, but... I know prior to surgery, I would have grabbed at
the chance to know about it... and did, in fact! BUT, it was my
mother-in-law who told me... not some stranger on the sidewalk. Keep
bubbling! :~)
— Sharon M. B.
June 28, 2003
I say don't do it. If someone approached me even now that I am waiting for
surgery, I would be hurt. I know I'm overweight and certainly don't want a
stranger telling me that I need weight loss surgery no matter how well
intentioned their actions are. However, if someone notices how much weight
you have lost and wants to know how you did it, then by all means tell them
about the surgery. Keep it in perspective to you not passing it on as if
you feel they should do it. <BR><BR>
You really don't know what the person's medical history is. Maybe they
have been trying to have the surgery and turned down (denied) or maybe
there are serious medical issues or financial issues that may prevent them
from having the surgery. I think weight loss (whether dieting, surgery, or
not doing a thing) is a totally personal issue UNLESS the person choses to
ask for advice etc. <BR><BR>
I'm sure many of us have been hurt deeply by well meaning family, friends,
and strangers.
— [Deactivated Member]
June 28, 2003
Hi, Chris. I've been tempted to go up to someone, especially when I see a
MO person who is obviously in pain, and I just want to tell them about this
opportunity. But at this point, as a pre-op, I just can't. I probably
won't as a post-op either, but I have brought it up in almost every
possible conversation where it can be casually introduced that I'm having
surgery in August, and I think that intrigues people. Now granted, I don't
go up to a perfect stranger and say "I'm having WLS in
August...." They'd think I was some kind of lunatic. But if I'm
conversing with someone, I'll kind of bring up something like, "I
wonder if this would be good to take to the hospital with me..." or
"Darn, this outfit won't fit right now, but maybe it will in a few
months..." Then if they ask questions about it further, I'm happy to
answer them. If they don't, I let it drop. After surgery, and the pounds
start coming off, you can bet I'll tell anybody who asks about this
surgery. I am forever grateful to my co-worker Lee who told me how she
lost weight, and then answered all my questions about it. I pray that I
can be an inspiration for someone else, as she was to me.
— Moysa B.
June 28, 2003
About a year ago I was on a metro transit bus for handicapped people and
the bus driver began to talk about how he had just lost a significant
amount of weight. He asked me if I would like to hear how he did it and I
told him "NO." He was totally flummoxed. If he had gone to talk
about it anyway, I would have filed a formal complaint against him with the
transit authority. As it was, I was considering complaining. I found it
abusive and degrading. If that were to happen today, having already made
my decision for having WLS, I would have filed that formal complaint
against him so fast his head would've spinned. Unsolicited weight loss
advice is the same to me as if someone would come up to me and advise me to
get a face lift or have "that scar" removed. And that is MY 2
cents worth. LOL
— Judy K.
June 28, 2003
I was only overweight for 5 years so I dont' know if my thoughts or views
on this count BUT when I was getting to be HUGE (in my own mind) and
feeling hopelessly frustrated, the last thing I wanted to know was that
other people were ALSO aware of how HUGE I was. I would have wanted to
crawl into a hole. So I don't think that approaching strangers is a good
idea. I knew WLS was out there but I didn't think it was for me. Until I
came to THAT decision, I didn't want to hear how big other people thought I
was. Secondly, even if you clue someone in and give them hope, suppose
they can't do it financially or don't have insurance? Why throw that light
of hope on them and only extinguish it later? Suppose their family medical
is such that they would be a high risk? Suppose their family is set
against it? Or suppose they have some kind of personal or religious belief
that would not permit it? Tread carefully.
— susanje
June 28, 2003
Don't want to sound like I'm flaming you, but most people who talk to
others about life changing behaviors are going to get some kind of
resentment even if it's not openly expressed. People don't like to be told
what to do. I only share with those who ask--no more. It's not my job to
save the world. Sometimes you think you're doing good by saying things to
people, but most times you're building up resentment. MO people for the
most part are kind of sensitive about their appearance and size and are
only going to change when they've decided to see advice. That's the only
time to share.
— Cathy S.
June 28, 2003
You've GOT to be kidding! And how would you have felt before your surgery
if someone walked up to you and said, "hey, I see you're morbidly
obese and I would like to tell you how you can lose your excess weight
which makes you look terribly uncomfortable and probably affects other
parts of your life". Would you have appreciated their input? I don't
know you, but I think not. With all the media coverage, obese people are
certainly aware of the surgery option, whether they would ever consider it
or not, unless they have been living in a void somewhere. There are many
reasons people will not or cannot choose to have the surgery and they most
certainly DO NOT NEED TO BE REMINDED that they should lose some weight. Be
happy with what has worked for you, but leave those of us alone who have to
do it on our own without the benefit of surgery.
— [Deactivated Member]
June 28, 2003
I have a question for you. Before you were prepared to do something about
your weight, how did you feel when people approached you and
"suggested" you do something about your weight??? It's none of
your business unless you are asked for your opinion. Everyone has to do
things in their own time and just because you found an answer for your
weight problem, doesn't mean that it is the best thing for everyone else.
— Ceil G.
June 28, 2003
I dont think ANYONE should go up to someone and 'tell them'. If your in a
situation and someone 'asks' then feel free to 'talk' away. In todays
world, with the 'media attention' Im sure there arnt many who dont know
about WLS. If someone has just come up to me and 'talked' I would have
been upset.. Just as if someone had come up to me and said' I have a diet;
or do you know your fat, etc.. Its a wonderful tool.. but its like
RELIGION... dont bring it up unless somone brings it up first, and wants
your opion. My husband 'talks' about me alot at work... and will call me
up and say 'will you talk to so and so' wife about wls'.. the first thing I
ask is 'does the wife want to talk; or does the husband want me to 'talk''
I will ONLY talk to the wife if she is asking.... Your happy with the
wls.. but pleasse dont go up to strangers.... If you want to help.. over it
to your WLS support group.
— star .
June 28, 2003
I've been tempted too. I'm amazed at how many obese people who have seen me
loose the weight act as if they completely aren't interested. Oh well. I
know if I witnessed the transformation I'd be all over that person (which
also is a turn off for some people..touchy touchy). I've also had maybe 15
requests for my number in the last two years, to "talk about it"
and I've only actually had one call me. I don't get it either Chris, I
would have been elated to see and hear about the surgery first hand from
someone who'd been there. I called everyone who offered their number to me
before surgery. I personally wouldn't have the brass just to approach a
stranger about it...I'm not a social person in general. But, if I talk to
someone long enough it generally comes out. I don't think a day goes by
that I don't whip my pictures out. I had a heavy set lady comment to me
about my looking at all the nutrition labels on my food before I put them
in my cart at the market. We ended up having a half hour discussion about
weight loss/plastic sugery etc. Little segways like that make it easy to
bring up surgery. Generally for me it's when someone comments on the range
of cloths in their closet...and I start with oh I can relate, I have sizes
going up to 28/30 in my closet...after they pick their jaw up off the
ground it becomes the perfect door opener. Maybe feeling people out first
and making little comments like that can open doorways. I think even though
their is a lot of media coverage, a lot of people don't realize that many
insurance companies have coverage for the surgery...I still get surprised
responses when I tell people it didn't cost me thousands of dollars. Best
wishes for your continued wl success! -Kim open RNY 7/17/01 -150ish
— KimBo36
June 29, 2003
Why dont you try getting one of the t-shirts from this site that advertise
wls or your weight loss. You could also have a button made with your pre-op
pic on it. That way people could approach you if they are interested and
you dont have to risk offending anyone. terri top weight:480
preop388/270/200
— cherokey55
June 29, 2003
Dang! We have a lot of harsh responses on here! We shouldn't burn a person
just for asking a question, you all! Chris, I like the suggestion about
getting one of the tee shirts and wearing it when you feel like. If someone
is curious about the surgery and they see you wearing that, they will
surely come up and talk with you. I wouldn't approach a person with a
suggestion, just for the basic fact that it might hurt someone's feelings,
even coming from someone who might be MO themselves. But, I applaud your
caring nature, and your wanting to help others. I think that is refreshing
in a day of age where most people only focus on themselves. Anyways. Keep
on caring about your fellow man, and good luck with your weight loss,
everyone.
— Lisa S.
June 29, 2003
Ah, you can lead a horse to water..... my husband and I have both had WLS
and done well. My sister-in-law (my husband's sister) is super MO, and has
asked questions and is interested in how we are doing, but has made no move
on her own to seek out infomation or even see if her insurance would cover
the surgery. (She lives several hundred miles away.) It really is
inappropriate to bring up the subject with someone - what if that person
has tried to get surgery and run up against a brick wall with their
insurance company? I would feel pretty bad about doing that - talk about
pain! Sadly, there is really no good way to approach someone about this
subject unless they bring it up.
— koogy
June 29, 2003
Chris, this is a hard situation. It's been posted before, and usually the
general consensus is to not approach someone, b/c there really is no good
way to do it. Believe me, I've thought soo many times "if they just
knew about this surgery..." But the truth is, almost everyone these
days does know about WLS. And there are different circumstances for each
person, they may not want it b/c they have no insurance or cannot pay for
it; or they knw about it but don't want to deal with the risks, b/c this is
MAJOR surgery not to be taken lightly as some do; or they may already be in
the process of getting to surgery. I'd love to help fellow MO's with it,
but its not for everyone. And I do know a few super MO's who have seen me
lose weight and think its great, but the risk of death is higher for them
personally and they don't want to eat tiny portions. And I would also hate
to feel guilt of suggesting WLS to someone and then some bad complication
happen to them. That's a very good question, though. Maybe you can get one
of the AMOS t-shrts that say you had surgery, so if an MO sees you, they
would go up to you if they want to. Goodluck to you Chris! :-)
— Lezlie Y.
June 29, 2003
MYOB. Your arrogance is appalling, subject not withstanding.
— miserable U.
June 29, 2003
I must admit I have done this, and after reporting it here and getting
scolded found a better way. I called my local paper and pitched thew story
to the health editor. Got our pictures in the paper and saw our support
group attendance climb. Now people I have never met recognze me on the
street and thank me for that story and show me their before photo. I helped
save their lives. My surgeon has told me this too. You helped so many! Try
the local media, newspaPERS, TV ETC. The URLs for the story aree on my
profile.
— bob-haller
June 30, 2003
Chris, I felt the same way as you, and was so happy after I lost my weight,
that I wanted to "help" all the other morbidly obese people I saw
by telling them my story. I never did and when I posted something similar
here, got similar responses. The responses gave me food for thought and I
decided in the end, though the desire is still there to share, I certainly
did not want to offend or hurt anyone by raising the subject first. I
think the T-shirt idea is great, and would probably illicit some questions.
Your a good soul to want to help others, but the other posters are right,
we don't want to create resentment or hurt feelings.
— Cindy R.
June 30, 2003
Picture this..........13 days after surgery. I've just come from getting
my staples out at my surgeon's office. I've lost 18 pounds in the first 2
weeks. My jeans are already feeling a little baggy. I'm high on life
cause I'm feeling GREAT ABOUT MYSELF for the first time in a long time. I
stop at the grocery store on the way home and a 5'1" 110# well dressed
professional woman who I'd never met before walked up to me and told me I
should check into that "fat surgery that Wilson girl had" cause I
had such a pretty face it was a shame I was so fat. I went from one of the
best moments in time to one of the worst because of a "well
meaning" person who had NO IDEA what was going on in my life. She
didn't know me from Jane S**t. But she thought it would be
"helpful" if she told me about weight loss surgery. Granted, her
wording left a lot to be desired but the result was the same. I felt like
dirt. I know you only want to help folks but please, don't do it. Let
them approach you. Do what Bob suggested and contact news agencies if you
want your story told. Get a t-shirt made with your before picture on the
front and "Ask me how I lost weight" printed on the back. Walk
around the shopping mall with sandwich boards on saying "I had weight
loss surgery and am happy to answer any questions you have about it".
Just please, don't single people out for your "help". It is
embarassing and humiliating. I'll put my soapbox away now. :)
— Pam S.
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