Question:
Please take a moment to answer a question I have...
Hi, My name is Annie, I am 20 months post op as of yesterday. I am doing a speech for one of my classes on Morbid Obesity and the discrimination we receive. <p> I would like to know if some of you can help me with my speech. I know what it was like for me personally, discrimination wise. But I would like to know what it was like or is like for others. <p> I will never use any names in this speech. I want to get across the name calling, the gestures, the embarrassement we have all received as a result of our obesity. This speech is a persuasive speech, and my goal is to have everyone in the class think twice before hurting someone who is MO. <p> If you can, please take a moment to name one instence, or more if you wish of what it has been like for you to be MO. You can post them here, or email me personally at [email protected]. Again, I will not use names at all, just descriptions of what its like, to be MO. <p> Thank you so very much. Much much love to you all. Annie — Annie R. (posted on April 10, 2003)
April 10, 2003
Hi Annie,
All I can say about being as heavy as I am is that everytime I am walking
towards a person and they look at me(making eye contact) I automatically
think that they are looking at me because I caught their eye because I'm so
large. It's not that I beautiful smile or a friendly face..I'm fat and
that's all they see.
Being overweight,fat,heavy etc.. (I hate the word Obese and rarely will
ever say it..just so you know) destroys your self-esteem. You begin to not
only think you're not good enough you actually BELIEVE it as well.
I've had many times when I've walked past people at the grocery store where
they've had their children with them and I've heard as i pass by,
"That lady has a big bottom" or "big tummy"
You try really hard to ignore stuff like that but it's so hard to because
it just eats away at you to the point when you finally start thinking about
taking such drastic steps as this surgery because you see it as your last
hope.
You begin to dream of a day when you can go with your family to a
restaurant and glide right into a booth without any effort. You don't have
"case the joint" to see where you can sit with out too much
difficulty.
I appreciate you asking for comments. It's been cathartic (I'm a rotten
speller!!) and probably has brought into focus even more how much I really
want this surgery. I'm sure you will get plenty of responses.
I had something really awful happen today at work. Keep in mind I'm in
severe PMS mode..no joke!! Anyway, I was already off the clock so I don't
think I could get in trouble for this...hope not!!
Here it goes: I was passing by this girl and her friend and I heard her
say, "God, that girl's fat! She turned back to look at me as I had
turned back with a shocked look on her face like ..Oops, busted!
Don't know what got in to me...can't remember exactly word for word what I
said but basically told her that even though I was fat, I can do something
about it where as Ugliness is forever!
I guess I was just fed up. That's how it is with people who have a problem
like this..they eventually have to get to a point where they are sick and
tired of being sick and tired....because all the excess weight does make
you so tired and sick.
Sorry for rambling... hope I've given you something you can use. Good Luck
and Congratulations on your weight loss!
— kathleen-Joan piper
April 10, 2003
Shortly after my sister was married we all went to a bbq in her in-laws
town. She was meeting some friends of her in-laws for the first time. She
was maybe a size 8, and I was maybe a 22 at the time. A man came up to her
to introduce himself. She introduced me to him. He said to her "you're
so pretty" then he turned to me and said "but what happened to
you?" The only good thing that came out of this was my sister never
ever said a negative thing to me about my or anybody's weight again. She
said she had no idea how painful it was and how hurtful people could be.
— JoSyrNY
April 11, 2003
Well i went to home depot with my two daughters 10 and 11 and these two men
came up to me and had the audasity to ask me how much i weighed then walked
off laughing. I was so shocked and hurt Plus with my daughters there i
really couldnt say what i wanted. I think it hurt them as much as it hurt
me. They couldnt understand how mean people could be. Plus there are the
many times you hear people snicker or stare My daughters are now at the age
where they notice it to. I try to ignore them but it does hurt and hurts my
girls also. People just dont relize the pain they put us in. But the good
news is im losing now and hopefully i wont hear those snicker and mean
remarks anymore.
— qtalleycat68
April 11, 2003
Hi! I think the most painful comments I've recievedcame from my father
who's intentions were to help me lose weight. When I was a teenager, he
used to say things like: "You don't even look good in a dress
anymore, no one will hire you for top positions if you are oerweight, who
wants to have a fat wife?" and many more things like that.
I've since told him how damaging these words were to me, and how they
affected my sexuality and femininity as a young woman, and my perception of
myself as a woman. I think without those words, I would have been less
hard on myself and more successful in situatins. His defense was that he
felt that if his words could motivate me to lose weight, then it was worth
me hating him. I want the world to know that this approach NEVER works,
and it just causes pain and the person usually internalizes these things
said about them for the rest of their life, even if they DO lose the
weight.
Good Luck on your paper and thanks for representing us.
— Michele B.
April 11, 2003
Oh I have so many to share....but for now I'll share just 2. One was when
I went to see Dr. Barry Greene 2.5 years ago for a hernia repair consult.
He wanted me to show him my belly, so I did. With a lot of disgust he
asked me "What do YOU EAT???" I was so hurt...he was supposed to
help me not insult me. I hear now that he is doing WLS and it gives me
mixed emotions, but that's getting off topic. There have been numerous
times where I have gone to clubs with friends and people make out right
nasty remarks like I have no feelings. The worst was when I was out with a
close male friend of mine, who I had the hots for, at a Kinko's. I was
talking to the guy at the front counter and these drunk college guys leaned
in the door to the store and yelled "Go on a diet Fat ass!!!" It
was so humiliating. My friend ran after them in my honor, but it really
truly hurt me and embarassed me.
— Morna B.
April 11, 2003
<font color="007000">I remember one time while shopping in
Sams, on a very busy Saturday, (I was about 20 at the time) and this women,
probably in her 40's (and not super skinny herself) made a comment to me as
she walked by. Something like "Get out of the way COW". (I dont
remember her exact words.
<P> I remember another time, when I was about 22, when a friend of
mine said "You would be so Gorgeous if you lost some weight."
This hurt me so bad! She did not say it to be mean, I believe she thought
she was trying to help.
<BR>This same person is probably my clostest friend and my biggest
support through my WLS journey. (I am almost 27 now) Its amazing how a few
years can make such a difference in a person's life. </font>
— preop_wendyd
April 11, 2003
When you are obese the every day simple gestures are so different. Now that
I am thin strangers smile at me and open doors. I think people tend to
ignore and shun the obese. I never had people be nasty to my face, but now
that I am thin I hear strangers make horrific comments about fat people.
Little do they know a former fatty is standing right next to them and is
just as hurt by those remarks even in a thin body. Watch what you say
outloud. You don't know who you are offending. These remarks are not only
hurtful to an obese person, but hurtful to the son, daughter, or spouse who
hears the comments and hurts for their loved one. I think these people who
are so cruel must be very miserable and insecure with themselves. I guess
they think they are better than a fat person in some way. I was better than
these jerks as a fat person and I am better than them as a thin person. No
matter how much I realize a comment from a jackass shouldn't get to me, the
reality is that it does.
— Michelle H.
April 11, 2003
Thanks for writing this. Hopefully someone in your class will learn from
it. Before I learned that obesity is not our fault, I was my own worst
enemy. Being disgusted when I'd see pictures of myself, telling myself that
I was lazy and had no self-discipline, convincing myself that no one will
hire me because of how I look.
I think a lot of discrimination is done by actions, too. Such as charging
for an extra seat on an airplane, not carrying larger sized clothes in
stores, having narrow seats with arm rests, only having booths in
restaurants, not being told that there is a weight restriction on a
ride/event and finding out after waiting in line for 2 hours that I can't
fit, seating at public places being very tight. I especially hate
turnstiles in libraries - a place my own tax money funds makes it hard for
me to patronize!
Just last fall, I attended an outdoor festival. I heard and saw a girl
about 10-12 years old point at me and tell her parents how fat I was. The
sad thing was that both of her parents were MO and the girl was pudgy
herself. Her parents were definitely talking to her about it, but made no
effort to have her apologize to me for what she did.
— Yolanda J.
April 11, 2003
This is not my story but a friend of mines who is not obese she is just
slightly overweight and at the time this happened she was pregnant. She
was walking through the mall and this teenager made some comment about her
being fat as he walked by her. He walked into a store and she sat down on a
bench right outside the store and waited for him. When he came out and
walked by her she tripped him up and he fell. She said "hurts don't it
beam pole" and walked off. I guess I have either ignored the comments
or I have been just so involved in my own life that I just didn't hear
them. As for people who stare I just always think they are staring because
I think I look good no matter what anyone else thinks.For all I know they
could be looking at me because they think I am beautiful.I try to give
people the benefit of the doubt. I did not get a job once because I wasn't
the manager's ideal woman even though I was at my smallest weight I wasn't
the perfect size 3 model type that he wanted to work with.
— S C.
April 11, 2003
Annie, I think the worst for me was my closest friend (at the time). I
had gone out with a man that we both knew and when I told her that we went
out she looked at me and said, "Why would he go out with you? You are
nothing compared to me. Look at me, I am skinny and your fat. I don't
understand it." I thought to myself that maybe it was the personality
that did it for him. I have never spoke to or seen her since.
— Missy C.
April 11, 2003
My dad used to call me "2 trips" in highschool. explaining,
"if I ever need to haul a** it would take me two trips". looking
back now I wasn't even Obese. I wore a size 7. It stung though. My sister
was so thin and tiny. I also remember once when I was jogging at night a
few years ago. A car of guys passed by whistling... (this made me feel
GREAT)... then they passed again slowing down... and one of them said
"OH, I didn't realize you were so fat..." grrrrrr... I hope I am
raising my kids better than this.
Joy
— kjonhjk
April 11, 2003
Anne- you know it is also the silent things that happen to you. Like not
dating in H.S. or not being asked to the prom. Being the guy's best friend,
the one he tells everything to and spends the most time with, but would
never date you. Wondering if you didn't get the promotion, because of your
weight. Getting married, but sabotaging it, because you can't believe this
handsome man could really love you (thankfully I was able to save it before
it was too late). Then there are the things you notice after WLS and losing
the weight. People making more eye contact and saying, "Good
Morning". People (mostly men) stopping by your cubicle for
"chats" and they never said hello to you before. Good luck with
your speech. Maybe you could publish it on your profile when you have it
together. I would love to read it. I'm a corporate trainer and public
speaker, so I can appreciate what you are going to have to do.
— Cheryl S.
April 11, 2003
I was out shopping with my honny last weekend and we were walking past a
group of guys that he knew. One of them said "Man, he traded up to
plus size, he must be desperate!" I heard this and I could not believe
my ears. It hurt so bad. Turned out the guy that said it was someone that
was good friends with both of us in high school and didn't realize it was
me. He thought my honny and I had broken up. No matter what, I will always
remember this comment. And people wonder why I don't like to leave my
house. :( Good luck with your report, and hopefully you can make just one
person realize that their comments hurt.
— Jaimie L.
April 11, 2003
Hi Annie,
I was the first to respond to your post and after coming back to read the
rest of the responses...Oh Annie!!!! I don't think there will be a dry eye
in your class if they get to hear what we've all said.
It's made me cry all over again. Especially the people that were ridiculed
in front of their children. It's a violation..like rape..except their
dignity was raped and their children's innocence was stolen as well. Heart
breaking. How can people be so cruel?
I really hope your class learns something. I hope it's not just a
"wow" presentation of look how great Annie looks now. It would be
so easy for it to turn into that because it's human nature....look at the
obvious rather than think about someone else's feelings.
You got alot of people stirred up!!
— kathleen-Joan piper
April 11, 2003
I'm sorry I just thought of another one, I promise not to add more. It's
really hard because when I really think about it there were way too many to
name. I've been big all my life from toddler to present. I've always had
to deal with both verbal and non-verbal insults. The ones that hurt the
most were the "You'd be so pretty if you just lost some weight"
from family members and the ones that took place in front of others because
it was embarassing and hurt my pride. I agree with the others...it's very
humiliating to know that because of your size you have to pay more,
squeeze, or not participate in many things. My one story I wanted to add
took place on vacation in Panama City, FL. My family and I were walking
back from the beach to our campground when a car drove by with a young kid
leaning out the window...as they drove by he shouted "Shamu!!!"
Ok, that's enough of reliving for one day. I really hope your paper goes
well and that your audience truly does take something home from it.
— Morna B.
April 11, 2003
Hi Annie....it's Ann! I wasn't going to answer this but all the stories
have revved me up! This actually happened after I lost my weight. We had a
dinner party and for some reason we had an old family video on - probably
of one of the kids doing sports - and of course there I was in all my
(huge) glory. A new neighbor was there and she said "Who's that?"
and someone said - just joking around - "Oh that's (my husband's)
first wife." This woman said "GAWD
— [Deactivated Member]
April 11, 2003
sorry, hit the wrong button!
Anyway, this woman said "GAWD WHAT A COW!!! I'll bet he's glad he
dumped her and married you!" The room was totally silent for the
longest time. I didn't know what to say or do. Finally I just looked at her
and said "That is me. Two years ago." Of course she refused to
believe me. She left pretty soon after that. I assume someone told her the
truth about it all. But I was soooo mortified and sad about it all. We can
even be wounded about our fat after we're thin. Good luck and let us
know how it goes.
— [Deactivated Member]
April 11, 2003
Hello Everyone! My name is Annie, and I'm the one who posted this question
on the Q&A Board.
<p>
I wanted to share my heartfelt thanks for all of you who posted your
stories both here on the board and to my personal email.
<p>
To the one poster who said that it may turn into a wow look at her now
piece.. NO. I know that it is human nature. But I wont let it. When I
get up and do my speeches, I get empassioned with my topic. I don't read
from notes. I just get up and talk, rant, rave.. looking at each of them
in the eye. A few times I had tears in my eyes because I felt so deeply
about the topic.
<p>
However this topic beats out all others when it comes to deep feelings.
Man have I got something to say to all of those skinny kids in my class.
I'm the oldest one, (only 28), but have had years of knowledge on this
subject.
<p>
One poster asked when I am done, if I would post it on my profile. Even
though I dont use my notes in my speech, and jsut get up to talk.. I do
have it all written out just in case I get butterflies. I would be most
happy to post that on my profile, as well as the Message Board. I will let
you all know when it is up.. within the next couple of days. Speech is on
Tuesday, wish me luck!! Love you all to pieces, you gorgeous souls!
--Annie
— Annie R.
April 11, 2003
There are a lot of good (and sad stories). I think most of us have had just
about everything imaginable said or done to us. One of two main stories
that stick out in my mind (and still cause me to cringe) I went to Ohio
with my cousin. her uncle had died, and she wasn't very close to that side
of the family, so she asked me to go along. she's petit. 4'9", and 80
lbs sopping wet with chestnut colord hair down to her waist. here I am,
size 22 short hair and glasses. We went to the pool at the hotel we were
staying at, and this 2 yr old came up to me, and pat me on the belly and
asked me if I had a baby in my belly. I thought it was kinda cute. I didn't
realy take anything amiss because at that age, they're very curoius and
haven't learned self control. I told her "No sweetheart, I'm sorry I
don't". Her daddy comes rushing over to her, grabs her hand and starts
to pull her away. He had this horrified look on his face, and says
"Her mother just had a baby, and now when she sees anyone that is fat,
she asks that question.". That hurt. The second thing that sticks out
in my mind, I pulled some muscles in my back while in highschool, and had
to go to the doctor. While he was doing the exam, he said "the reason
you've pulled the muscles in your back, is because you are too fat.You need
to call my office and set up an appointment to go on a diet. If you don't
loose some of that excess weight, you'll keep having this problem.You'd be
such a pretty girl if you lost weight" never mind I had a history of
hypothroidsm even at 16. I looked him straight in the eye, and told him
" I know I'm fat. I look in the mirror every day. I know what I look
like, and don't need you to tell me I need to loose weight. Let me ask you
somehting. How would you feel if I went around telling you that you looked
like the bean pole version of frankenstien?" The doctor was offended,
and told me I need to learn to respect my elders. I told him I would show
him that respect when he started showing it to me. He looked at my mom who
was watching to see how well I'd handel myself ( she did later tell the
doctor off) and tell mom she needed to teach me better manners.At first she
just snickerd. Then she told him off to. We left and never went back. Good
luck, and I do hope this helps. If just one person thinks before they
speak, it's a step in the right direction.
— mellyhudel
April 11, 2003
I had a chance to spend some innocent time with a old high school
girlfriend I weighed over 300 pounds. I asked my also MO wife if this would
be a problem. She said no problem at all why would she want you, her hubby
is a hunk. I love my wife but it still bugs me to this day. I had a good
time with my old friend..... totally innocent BTW.
— Sam J.
April 12, 2003
Well, I am ashamed to say that I have said some awful things in the past.
I have always been overweight but I have not been MO until the last few
years. When I was younger, and thinner and I saw MO people, I would always
look at whoever I was with and say "If I ever look like that, just
shoot me!" or, "I will kill myself before I look like that!"
Well, ya know what? Now I look like that! I am SO ashamed I ever said
those things!
— Tami H.
April 12, 2003
One of many episodes I won't forget. I was walking through a charming
restored area of Portland, Maine by myself, planning to do some shopping
and have a nice dinner. All of a sudden two men walking behind me started
making barking noises. What made it hurt most was back then I still thought
it was my own fault I was obese. I went back to my hotel and cried. Today
I'd probably say something to them. What has hurt most overall is men not
being interested in me romantically. I feel I've missed out on a big part
of life. I'm having my surgery Wednesday and I can't wait! For me, the
prejudice and discrimination have been by far the worst part of obesity,
much more so than even the health aspects.
— sjwilde
April 12, 2003
What Mellonney said is a major point of irritation with me (sorry if I
spelled you're name wrong). 99% of doctors don't treat you with the same
respect as a thin person. Every visit turns into our weight becoming the
focus, its like everything wrong is because you're fat. Without a single
test that's the diagnoses - for menstrual problems, any pain reported,
ANYTHING. And although I didn't go to the doctor often when growing up,
everytime I did I was lectured on my weight. Still, somehow nobody managed
to check my thyroid until I was 27! And YES, I did have hypothyroidism.
— Shelly S.
April 12, 2003
I can't count the number of times people have assumed that I was pregnant
and asked when I was due. A couple of times I just said in a couple of
months to avoid the embarrasment of saying I'm not pregnant.
— Sandy T.
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