Question:
How do you make your husband understand?

I have been trying to have WLS since November. I have been repeatedly denied by my insurance company. I even had a senator write a letter on my behalf, to no avail. I recently went to the media about my plight. The local news channel aired my story and I was told that they had a good response. I am not trying other routes to have this surgery. The problem now is my husband. He was supportive initially, but he says he is tired of hearing about this surgery. He thinks that if I put this much effort into dieting and exercise I would not need to have the surgery. Although I have tried different diets, I have difficulty sticking to them long-term. He thinks I am being lazy and has said so to me. I try to tell him that he just doesn't understand how it feels to be overweight your whole life and this is the only answer. He just ignores me and tells me I am taking the easy way out because I'm lazy. I don't know what to do about it anymore. Sorry if I was ranting. I just don't know what to do. I don't want to stop fighting for this surgery, because I feel that it is the only thing that will work for me permanently. Any suggestions you could give would be extremely helpful.    — [Anonymous] (posted on July 25, 2001)

July 25, 2001
You have been fighting the good fight, congratulations. You may have to tell your husband that this is something that he likely will NEVER understand. Sometimes you can shed a bit of light to people by comparing this to other addictions - we have stopped thinking of alcholics as "lazy" people who need to "just stop drinking." (Or at least the informed segment of the population has stopped this line of thinking.) Every one of us here who has had the surgery can guarantee you that this is NOT the easy way out. It has never been easy... it's just easier than trying to do the job without the right set of tools. The surgery is only a tool.. it is not the cure. Your husband needs to understand that even with the surgery you will be working hard at following guidelines and controlling your demons. YOU ARE NOT LAZY. Let me repeat; YOU ARE NOT LAZY! My husband was fully supportive, but he never could, or even does understand the need for surgery. But that is because he is not wired the same way I am. He gets full and stops eating.. "how easy can that be??" a skinny normie would ask. That concept is pretty much alien to me. Even if I was stuffed to misery, I'd still be planning my next meal. Tell your hubby that his support is important to your ability to succeed, even with the surgery. However, you can agree to disagree about whether or not the surgery was/ is the tool you need. This is not a choice of his, it is your choice. Good luck honey!
   — BethVBG

July 25, 2001
THis is what I would say to my husband under similar circumstances: Yes, dear. You are right, I probably am too lazy to follow a diet and exercise program. I have tried and failed so many times and just cannot get it right. sort of like how you have been trying to conquer your obsession with pornography. You know I hate it when you look at it, watch it and want me to watch it with you. It makes me feel bad when you ogle other women and compare me to the impossibly built babes in those videos. I love you and I want to spend the rest of my life with you. I want to be the babe you look at. One way or another, I am going to have this surgery. I would prefer to do it with your help and encouragement, but with or without your assistance, this is going to happen. So if you cannot say something nice to me about it I would prefer that you say nothing at all to me about it. I love you.
   — [Anonymous]

July 25, 2001
Well, first, kiddo, you need to be your own advocate. Never give up. This is a fight for your life. If you suddenly became diabetic and needed medical treatment, your husband's opinion wouldn't have anything to do with it. I had this problem my first time around, and I finally realized that it is MY body and MY life. I told my husband I loved him, but that this was a medical problem and I intended to follow my doctor's advice, regardless of what he thought. I was pleasant but firm, then dropped the subject, and didn't talk to him about it until I had a date. When I told him I had the date, he was surprised, but not reluctant. I told him that I'd really appreciate his support as I was understandably nervous, and he was fine. My sister's husband also was against it and she took my advice and he accepted it fine. It's not something to argue about...It's a medical problem that needs treatment. Best wishes.
   — Yvonne R.

July 25, 2001
Agree to disagree? He cannot change your mind as much as you cannot change his. As long as you follow what you feel is right, there is little you can do.... I think you need him and the doctor alone in a room.... if it didn't come from you, and but from a medical specialist, perhaps he would change his mind. Otherwise, if my husband called ME lazy, well- I'd like to see him take care of himself for a week, with an extra 100lbs. strapped on his back. That requires a lot of effort to get about: drive, shop, clean, cook etc. Lazy indeed! After lugging around that weight, after a hard day's work, I'd like to see him stick to his diet & exercise routine on top of it all! ;)
   — Karen R.