Question:
Images of a 240 pound spirit still haunt me: Is this normal?
I am 15 mos post op, wear a size 4-5, and on ocassion when I look in the mirror I see a size 26 wearing, 240 pound, person I worked so desperatly hard to get away from staring back at me. I get really depressed and cry. Is this normal? Has anyone experienced the same? — Lady C. (posted on April 22, 2001)
April 21, 2001
Of course I look in the mirror and see a 300 lb person looking back at me
too - only difference is that I'm pre-op and I know that the reflection is
all too real. Talk about depressing!
— [Anonymous]
April 21, 2001
Hi, I am a pre-op myself, so I don't know what you are going through per
say, but I do have an
idea that might help you... Put on your old clothes when you are feeling
this way. (If you have
any). If not, go to a clothing store and put on that size you were. Look
at the difference, how
does it feel to have BAGGY clothes on. You have to give yourself time, and
your brain time to
readjust. Let your brain see what you used to look like in that size, then
take those clothes off,
and see what you look like now... big difference. Congratulations on your
loss, and I hope that
you have continued health. Good luck----Annie
— Annie R.
April 22, 2001
I'm pre-op and have (don't laugh) a hard time seeing myself at 265, my
brain says when I see my face that I'm not this large so I did this to help
and I think it might help you also. Get a paperbag cut holes out for the
eyes, strip naked in front of a full length mirror and put the bag on your
head. This helped me and should help you. You'll see you the way others
see you. Once your "face" is out or the picture so to speak you
see yourself differently. It helped me see the body and not the face. It
felt wierd and some might think I was nuts but it does help. Our minds can
play tricks on us. Good Luck
— Crystal B.
April 22, 2001
This has been a real issue for me. I still see a fat person in the mirror.
I've been bugging my husband to point out someone who has a body that looks
like me since I have no concept of what I look like now (8 months post op
and -105 lbs.). While returning from a trip last week he pointed out a
woman at the airport that he said I looked like. I stood in the middle of
the terminal dumbfounded and crying because she looked "NORMAL"
to me! He thought he'd done something wrong, but he did something very,
very right!!!
— georgiacarol
April 22, 2001
I think for many people this happens to varying degrees. For some of us it
is a more extreme experience. I have lost 82 pounds at this point and even
though I am told every day by friends and co-workers that I look good and
that I have lost a great deal of weight, I don't feel it emotionally. I
have experienced several physical benefits....no BP meds, less Prozac,
alleviation of chronic joint pain, less problems sitting in theatre seats,
etc. But, and this is a big but, I am also experiencing a lot of anxiety.
I've made great progress, but I am still between 290 and 280 pounds....far
beyond a socially acceptable weight. I'm dealing already with being saggy,
baggy and finding that to be very disturbing (even fat, I'm vain). Also,
having never weighed less than 200 pounds, I'm finding myself wondering how
to deal with being thinner than that. I suspect that there is an
underlying fear of "disappearing" if I get too thin.....of being
overlooked.....and as someone who grew up in a family of very forceful
personalities, of being "defenseless." I have gone through seven
years of therapy and now I am struggling with going back into treatment.
This should be a time of growth and I should have a sense of personal
achievement but mostly I feel anxious and like I'm failing at my last
chance for a real life.
On a personal note for you, you have gone through so many changes since
your surgery. I have read your profile notes. Perhaps you just need some
help to regain your perspective on who you are inside your new body. Best
wishes on this long strange trip we are on.
— [Anonymous]
April 22, 2001
I have just passed the 100 pound mark and so know what you are talking
about! I used to see pictures of Anorexic people who thought they were fat
and wonder what was wrong with them...but now I completely understand. I
have lost a whole person worth of fat but see about the same person in the
mirror. My doctor had warned me to expect this and says that it takes a
YEAR, AFTER YOU REACH GOAL, before your self image will reflect your actual
self. A YEAR! So hang in there and if it helps, do like I do and get a
friend to snap a polaroid whenever your aren't sure about an outfit. It is
helping me.
Good luck and congrats!
— Andrea P.
April 22, 2001
This is a very real problem.... I had the RNY in 1992. I weighed 308lbs.
when i had surgery, there were not any support groups available to me (the
closest one was 3hrs. away, I went to find that all they discussed was
about the boob job and other surgeries that were going to be taking place
once they lost the weight....I NEEDED HELP) nor did i feel the support of
my dr. who preformed the surgery. I lost weight, a total of 75 lbs. I still
saw myself as 308lbs. There are lots of reasons why people over eat in the
first place and surgery is just one step of solving the problem. You have
to find balance in dealing with food, exercise, emotional, and behavioral
issues. I have gained all of my weight back and then some.... Do everything
you can to change the image of yourself, because it's a very important part
to success. I look at people who weigh what my lowest weight was, and for
me that was a HUGE improvement and I never saw it.. I wish you the very
best!!!
— [Anonymous]
April 22, 2001
Hi, I'm almost 6 months post op and have gone from a size 26 to a size 14
but I, too, see that size 26 woman looking back at me when I look in the
mirror. Actually, maybe I don't see a size 26 woman but a woman who still
has a long way to go even though society now accepts me as relatively
normal. Don't get me wrong, I'm very happy and excited about my progress
but I still see a "fat" person in the mirror. I'm so fortunate
to have a wonderful support group so I never feel alone in this journey.
Photographs surprise me because they show the "real" me so you
might want to put a particularly good photograph of yourself on the mirror
you find yourself in front of most often. When the size 26 woman looks
back at you from the mirror maybe you should allow yourself to miss the
"old" you and grieve a bit for her but look at your new photo and
remind yourself that you are still the same person on the inside. You're
just a smaller version. Good Luck!!
— ronascott
April 22, 2001
Been lots of years now, and been at goal wt since 1995. Wear sizes 3-5 (I'm
5'1"). Now to me, that is just ridiculous. REAL people don't come in
that size, be serious! A real size is 12! I can identify with that.
That's who's looking back at me, probably because I spent most of my life
size 12-16. I catch a view of my headless body and it's tiny. Add MY head
and I get all confused. I recently attended a body builder competition.
Anyone who can wear a 5 there is a BUFFALO. Sigh. I had to attend 2 nights
and by the time I left, I felt immense! They were all 5'9" and a size
2! I'm not sure we ever get it figured out, to be honest. I still get very
confused. I have days that I think I am OK. Other days I think my legs are
too skinny. Other days I feel huge. And you know, the zippers zip the same
on all the days! Isn't that the craziest thing? The lady who said that we
remain clueless for at least a year is probably pretty close. I can now
hold clothes up and get a fair idea of how they'll fit, but it's not a sure
thing. Yet.
— vitalady
April 22, 2001
Surgery sister!! Once again, we are doing things at the same time:)
Girl, have someone take a picture of you dressed up looking
GOOD in your 4-5's (I am jealous- I am an 8-10). Then get
copies made and put them everywhere-especially mirrors!! Keep
looking at yourself until you KNOW it is you! Good Luck
and WRITE TO ME- your partner in crime-MB
— M B.
April 23, 2001
hey Lady! I must say, I can understand the feelings as I still see myself
the same and i am down 115#'s. For me it is still a few weeks before i hit
the 6 month mark.. well a week and a day and I too wonder if I will ever
see myself as others are beginning to see me. I look at the picture that is
on my page and i still see that person as the 328 pound person i was when I
had the surgery. I too wonder if it will change, Sure i might be wearing
18's instead of 30's and I have the energy that was absent before. I do
notice the changes in my ability to do things but i don't see the
difference in ME when i look in the mirror. I know one of my chins is gone
and my collar bones are visible but when i SEE myself in the mirror, it is
still the same. BIG AND FAT.. I can hope that it changes for you as i hope
it will change for me.. (((HUGS)))
— blank first name B.
April 30, 2001
I was so glad to read that I am not the only one who feels like this. I'm
one year postop, went from 274 to 147, a size 24 to size 8 and don't think
my head has caught up with my body yet. I still think like I did when I
was that insecure fat person. I am shocked when I see pictures of myself
these days. I am shocked when I am walking beside my new boyfriend and see
that I am thinner than he is ... even my hips are smaller than his.
Amazing! Because I sure look different from what is in my head!
— Beth B.
May 1, 2001
Honey ... oh, yes! YES! YES! The brain sometimes just doesn't accept what
the eyes see. Just over a year post-op (as of April 17), I'm down 125
pounds, from a (tight) 5X to a just-right XL, and I still see the 343 pound
person I used to be in the mirror. On the flip side, when I was 343
pounds, I used to see a regular sized person, so it always came as a
hideous shock to me when I didn't fit somewhere, which was quite a lot of
places when you got right down to it. I think it's just a by-product of
years and years and years of dysmorphia -- the inability to see our bodies
as they really are. I'm not sure it ever goes away, but I've found
something that helps me. I kept ONE item of fat clothes, and if I'm ever
feeling like I'm still that way, I get it out and put it on. I look like
I've melted inside it. If you've kept something, I'd advise that. But if
you didn't, someone in your life must have "fat pictures" of you.
(I have my driver's license, and if I'm ever stopped by the cops, I'm not
sure they'll believe that I'm me.) Look at those. You're not crazy, my
dear. You're just one of us, and it's a pretty big club, after all. Warm
supportive thoughts,
— Cheryl Denomy
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