Question:
I'm having relationahip issues and would like input. Kinda long.
— sarah C. (posted on August 31, 2004)
August 31, 2004
Sounds like you both need to be in counseling. He has problems with
alcohol, depression and wanting to control you. You sound like you might
want a different lifestyle, maybe not. In any case, try some counseling to
see what you each want (or don't want) from this relationship.
— koogy
August 31, 2004
I had this same issue back in 1997. I had lost alot of weight my self
esteem shot up and I started to really want to live life. However the
spouse I had been with for 12 years was depressed all the time. Never
wanted to do anything or go any where and followed me around like a lost
puppy. He wasnt abussive. I just wasnt the same person and I also didnt
have them feelings there for him. We did a trial seperation along with
theraphy. It still didnt work out after 6 months of theraphy and a year
seperation I filed for divorce. Those feelings just wasnt there any longer
and they never returned. You could try a seperation with theraphy and if
things get better you could always getback together or if those feeling
dont get better you can go your different directions. Good luck. It's a
wonderful feeling coming out of that shell that you are hidden in for so
long. Jen:)
— imgabbie
August 31, 2004
alot of people get together BECAUSE they have problems. you know "
well we are both broken, so maybe the two of us can fix each other".
or maybe "because you have problems my problems won't seem so
bad". now that you have gotten better you are really starting to see
that the relationship that you were willing to settle for years ago isn't
what your willing to settle for now.
— franbvan
August 31, 2004
I know this sounds horrible, but you have to do what is right for you. You
are only responsible for yourself and your actions. You've done so much to
improve youself and your quality of life, please don't be with him just out
of fear. My guess is that you really want out of this relationship the way
it is now and you should. I am afraid that if you stay you could get
depressed and you don't need that. At least give yourself permission for a
trial separation and see if things do improve and if he really has changed.
I beleive that change is possible, but if you don't love him anymore why
should you subject yourself to an unhappy marriage? You loved youself
enough to have surgery to "reclaim" you life, now love yourself
enough to live your life. Only you know what's right for you. I wish you
happiness, wherever you find it.
— klinzey
August 31, 2004
I'm going through exactly the same thing and I'm leaving. I believe that
you already know that you should leave as well. If he chooses to do
something to himself if you leave, well, that's his problem.
— lizinPA
August 31, 2004
Sarah, I can't tell you what is right for you but I can relate my
experience and wish you the best in making your decision. I was in a ten
year relationship with no children. He was also very possessive. In
September of '02 when my Grandma passed away I went to pay for the flowers
I had ordered for the funeral and my Visa card was denied. He confessed
that he had taken money out of my account. I was so upset that he would do
something so selfish while he knew my Grandma was dying of cancer. I was
too upset to deal with it then. A few weeks later his mother suddenly
passed away. He was an emotional wreck and I was afraid if I left then, he
would attempt suicide. So I stayed. He got even more controlling and
insisted on taking me to work and picking me up even though it was only a
few blocks from home. In January we got into an arguement over something
stupid and he pushed me into a wall and freaked out. I tried to call 911
and he took the phone. The next morning I had a doctor's appointment and
after that I went to the courthouse and filed an emergency protection from
abuse order and never went back. And it was my house, not his. Of course I
had been told if I left he would hunt me down and kill me and whoever I was
with and then himself. I think this is usually just a guilt trip to try to
make you stay, but I was always looking over my shoulder. After we went to
court and they made him move from my house, I noticed he would follow me
and that upset me. But he never tried anything. Within a few months he had
found a new woman and moved on. He called me not too long ago and we had a
nice talk. I asked why he never trusted me and he admitted it was because
of his own insecurities. All of this happened before my surgery. I could
have never done this while I was in that relationship. He was just too
insecure and could have never handles the changes I have gone through the
past few months since surgery. That's why I am glad I am not in a
relationship now because I can be selfish and just do what is best for me
with absolutely no guilt. I think this is the first time in my life I have
ever done that. I have decided that I still love him and probably always
will but I love myself too much to stay in a relationship like that. I
don't want to come home and make someone dinner while they lay on my couch.
I'd rather be outside on my bike or in the gym. I want to go and do things.
If I don't ever meet someone who shares that with me, then I guess I'd
rather be alone. But keep in mind that you are the only one who can make
you happy. You must do what is best for you. Best of luck with your
situation.
— Donna F.
September 1, 2004
I went through the same exact thing and ended up leaving my boyfriend. He
never wanted to be around my family, friends and he also did not want to do
anything. My weight was his security and after I lost the weight he made a
comment that he missed the meek, fat humble girl. I am so much happier now
and have a wonderful new man in my life You have to do what is right for
you.
— Marti M.
September 1, 2004
This obviously isn't the popular opinion, but I believe we make the
marriage committment for life, for better or worse, whether we're feeling
that "in love" feeling or not. Unless there's emotional or
physical abuse (and the possesiveness IS a warning sign...so I'm not saying
you don't need to be careful), my opinion is that some effort should be
made to try and keep that commitment. Maybe with some marriage counseling
to help him get himself under control.
— mom2jtx3
September 1, 2004
Wow, your story sounds just like mine. When I had this surgery my husband
and I had only been married for 7 months, but together for almost two
years. He was cheating on me from the get-go, lying and drinking all went
together. The weightloss only seemed to make him more sick in the head. I
tried everything to help and keep our marriage together. I finally picked
up and left one day after catching him in another cheat/lie and have never
gone back. Oh yes, he tried to get me to come home. His mother died, he got
in trouble with the law, you name it. He would be nice, then he'd be out
right cruel and then apologetic. I got tired of the pattern. I finally got
all the divorce paperwork finished this week and have moved on. I met a
wonderful man and am happier than I even thought I could be. You have to
believe you are gonna be all right. I remember I kept telling myself
through all of this, "You are gonna be allright Molly, you are!"
You will be too, just believe that if you believe nothing else and move on
to a much better chapter of your life. Believe me, even if your husband
does stop drinking, he'll still have so many issues to work out, you NOT
being there will not only help you, but will help him in the long run. Feel
free to e-mail me if you want to talk about it more. I am there for you
sister!!!!
— missmollyk
September 1, 2004
I may get bashed for my reply but here goes. I am only 20, and have been
married for a year. My husband has gotten a new job where he is much more
active and has lost like 25 pounds, and is gaining more muscle every day. I
think he is hot, and unfortunately, others girls do too. Maybe we should
look at your husband's point of view. You are even more beautiful now than
ever, and maybe he thinks there is a chance of you leaving him for someone
better. Is this why he is possessive? Or has it always been this way? I
find myself getting possessive over my husband (I know, it's crazy) just
because he's looking better now. I would die if he wanted to leave me
because he didn't feel love for me anymore. We can't judge books by their
covers, remember? Atleast he is trying by admitting he has a problem, and
wants to get help. I know you want to be happy, and safe, and that is best
for you. Just realize how it would feel if the tables were turned, and you
were in his shoes.
— Babyphantisy
September 1, 2004
I want to add one more thing. Alcoholism is very serious. Please get
yourself into a support group like ALANON, it might open your eyes up to
alot of his behavior (and yours!) You will find that alcohol is probably
playing a much larger role in your troubles than you realize. I realized
this alot more after I left. The meetings are free and in just about any
place you look.
— missmollyk
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