Question:
What I Want Most Besides Good Health/What I Miss The Most

I want to be healthy. Today, I was thinking that when I have my surgery I am looking forward to an active healthy lifestyle and the aching knees and back pain to go away, etc. But do you know what I miss most? I have not had a close hug in over 15 years. I have noticed too, that when someone touches me on the arm in a gesture-type of way, they pull back. I get a pat on the back for a hug. If it weren't them, I would be me doing the pulling away simply because of my terrible stomach and fat. I want a nice hug. I want to be close to someone from the shoulders all the way down to knees. I want to slow dance and not have to worry about my rolls getting in the way. I have literally suffered for years and years from lack of affection. I get the BEST hugs from my son, but I am a 35 year old woman if you know what I mean. I have not had sex in years. Four to be exact because I am affraid to take my clothes off. Has anyone had that experience pre-op and then had the best experience post-op? Will you please share it with me? Thanks...    — Marcy G. (posted on January 5, 2003)

January 5, 2003
hi there marcy :) i feel for you sweetness. after your surgery, you will start to feel and look so much healthier and better. its a great feeling and as you start feeling better about you, you will feel better about intimacy, you wont feel as self concious about your body so the slow dancing, hugs, etc will be much easier for you. as far as the getting naked thing post op. yikes! hehehe! ;) although i feel and look so much better (with my clothes on lol!) i still feel a little weird naked because even though there is a whole lot less of me now, i have some excess skin i hate seeing. i wish you the best of luck for happiness, intamacy and for a very safe and uneventful surgery! :) enjoy your journey, its a wild one! :)
   — carrie M.

January 5, 2003
These are all wonderful things but please do not hang your future life on getting these things because of WLS. In my opinion it is a recipe for disaster. If they don't come about you may very well end up severely depressed. You have to be doing this for you and a healthy life and if the rest comes along great but if it doesn't you need to be okay with that. I strongly encourage counseling before and after surgery to help you through this wonderful but difficult time. I speak from experience, so do not think I am trying to be mean or anything. I just want you to be succesful and happy and a relationship can not fix your issues that feed your weight.
   — zoedogcbr

January 5, 2003
I understand what you mean about the hugs, after loosing 116 lbs. the hugs I got from my relatives and friends that I hadn't seen in a while, where just true pleasure for me. I could actually feel the hug, if you know what i mean. As far as the naked thing, im not there, and since im single and not dating, i dont have to worry about that. maybe one day....
   — paulsgirl

January 5, 2003
although i've been married now for three years, i must say that i've never liked being naked in front of my husband, i always tell him to look away. i am two months post op and have lost 45 lbs, but i still feel that i'm not as secure as i should be. it's hard, but hold on, i know the day will come for both of us, where being naked will be joy instead of sorrow. i offer you a great big hug, and i don't care if our stomaches bump into each other. peace out.
   — YOLANDA P.

January 5, 2003
I am nearly 5 months post-op and I am regaining health that I never dreamed I could regain. I love the closeness with my husband. I love the fact that my knees and legs don't hurt. I love the fact that I have energy again--although it's not quite where I want it to be yet. I just got a whole bunch of new clothes for Christmas and I actually feel pretty in my new clothes. I walk by a mirror and do a doubletake sometimes, realizing that it's actually me. I'm not anywhere near where I want to be yet, but the changes so far are just phenomenal to me. My husband still reminds me that he adored me before surgery and he adores me now. But the biggest incentive to me to stay on track is the struggle I see my 75 year old mother going through. She was overweight many years and never exercised or took care of herself. When she did diet, I feel she really hurt her body by over-dieting. Now she's got health problems out the wazoo. I want to make sure I diet safely and regain my health, so that I won't be a sick person when I'm older. My one trivial thing I miss is DIET COKE, but I just think about all the good and keep on trucking.
   — Cathy S.

January 5, 2003
Marcy, keep hanging in there -- it will get better. I know what you mean about wanting those hugs from someone other than your son. Before I met my current husband, I had been alone with my son for 5 years, divorced from his father. Many times I felt such an aching to be held, nothing more. I really found comfort in food during those years. Fortunately I found a man who loved me at nearly 300 pounds and is my #1 supporter now that I'm down to 197. He's not the most affectionate man I've known but he has so many other really great qualities. And I do get affection when I really need it. I am surprised that hugs from friends and family mean even more now! I never realized how I held back when hugging a friend hello or goodbye. I was so self-conscious about someone feeling the fatness. Now I cling to them a bit longer each time I see them! I see plenty of good hugs in your future, Marcy. Don't take a single one for granted! And those hugs from your son are important. Soon enough he'll be a strapping boy of 17 (like mine) and won't have quite as much time for hugs...although my son does still hug his mom, I just don't see him often enough! Happy New Year! (((HUGS))) - Anna LAP RNY 7/3/02 -101 lbs.
   — Anna L.

January 6, 2003
Each and every one of you are so sweet and special in this website. I honestly feel that your friendship/comments/encouragement are PRICELESS. Thank you all. Chris... I didn't mean that I want to go out and get laid and THAT IS NOT WHY I AM HAVING WLS!!!! And I think we ALL could use some counseling at one point or another. I am just saying that I miss affection. A NORMAL, not psychotic desire because I am human. Thank you.
   — Marcy G.

January 6, 2003
Marcy- How wonderful of you to be so candid, and to discuss what so many of us are afraid to talk about. I am 47 years old, have been married for 25years, and weigh 320 lbs. I am very, very lonely. My husband and I are both interested in sex, but I miss affection. I miss hugs and kisses and looks of longing and approval. I miss being able to enjoy sexual positions that are fun, not merely barely adequate. I'm very afraid that after my surgery I my husband will still be distant towards me, or that I will stray in order to find that affection that I seek. At least I now have an excuse to not look for it. But I crave affection like you do. I am a nurse who works with elderly people, and I've heard some of them say that they haven't been hugged or experienced affection for a very long time. Its sad, and I feel sad that I am still "young" and wish somebody would touch me with caring and affection. I'm encouraged, Marcy, that you want to connect with other people. You sound like you have a wonderful love to share, and I hope that you will find fulfillment in the near future. Carol Rein
   — Carol R.