Question:
My mother is totally against the surgery..anyone else dealing w/ this?

My mother and I have always been extremely close. We have gone through a lot together. She is totally against my having WLS. She told me that her maternal instinct is telling her that it isn't right for me and I will regret my choice. I really need her support for this surgery. Even my husband sees the logic in having the procedure but I haven't been able to convince her. Has anyone else dealt with this?    — kle0007 (posted on November 1, 2002)

November 1, 2002
I had the same problem, only it was my sister. Do you have a support group in your area that your mom could attend? She could see all the positive results. Tell her your dr. approves, you got ins. approval, this is something you feel you must do. Good luck!
   — j D.

November 1, 2002
hi, i had the exact same problem. I originally wanted this surgery 3 years ago, and my mom was completely against it. I gave her info, took her to seminars, introduced her to post ops, but nothing worked. I finally gave up because she was so upset by it. This time around, however, I didn't tell her I was doing it, had the surgery, and am now living at home with her, losing weight without her knowledge. I'm sure she'll find out when i lose a real decent amount of weight!!! I didn't tell her because I did not feel the need to worry her for no reason. If she finds out soon, it will be much less stress for her, and she'll see me living nicely and healthy and her fears will be much less. I am sure I made the right decision, and when she finds out, I'll deal with the situation then. Until then, she's perfectly happy and oblivious (the best state that she can be in!!!) Iris 1 month post op
   — Iris B.

November 1, 2002
What are her specific reasons about WHY it is not right for you. If you can define that, then perhaps you can get help for educating her at a local support group. But if it's just maternal instinct, she's got to define her reasoning more.
   — Cathy S.

November 1, 2002
Take a post op to dinner with your mom and family. See the before photos and hear there story. Pick someone who lost at least a 100 pounds. This should convince your mom.
   — bob-haller

November 1, 2002

   — ronascott

November 1, 2002
My mother felt the exact same way before the surgery. she did everything she could to talk me out of it. Finally, I told her that I had made this decision and I would love it if she supported me and when there when I woke up after the surgery. But, I was going to do it with or without her support. When I woke up in the recovery room the first thing I saw was my mother standing next to me holding my hand until I woke up. As soon as I was awake and she knew I was OK she passed out cold right there in the recovery room. Now, five months later, I am at goal. I have gone from a size 24 to an 8. I feel like a kid again. Now that she sees how happy and healthy I am, she thinks that it is the best thing I ever did in my life. Remember, you are her baby no matter how old you are, and she is going to worry about you.
   — Linda A.

November 1, 2002
Well, sweetie...along with all the suggestions you have already received, I would say it's worth it to have her check out this site, speak with your doctor, to see that you have a great support system and are well educated about the surgery. My mom (who died one month after my WLS) was initially against it (remember, most of them are thinking of the WLS horror stories from the "early days") but I kept focusing on how this was absolutely MY LAST RESORT. Eventually, she came around. I am sure your mom will too. Good luck : )
   — rebeccamayhew

November 1, 2002
My mom was totally against it...now that I have lost 65lbs she's very very supportive. She was afraid to lose me. Even after surgery she's call me 3 or 4 times a day to make sure I walked, and this and that...she didn't want me to get blood clots or starve to death! But now that the waters have calmed she's so supportive. I think once she saw that I was really wanting it, that my doctor had a safe program (consisting of the preop testing, the respirtory therapy program, the dietician/nutritionist) she began to get more comfortable. She was still saying how she didn't want me to do it, but she feared losing her baby. It's a hard road. Just take the time to talk and sort things out. She'll support you in the end- that's what moms do!!
   — MF

November 1, 2002
My mom was the same way. We were/are very close and she was horrified at the thought of me having this surgery. I took her with me to a support group meeting and she saw before and after people, tasted protein supplements, heard testimonials and the doctor's staff speak. She read the books I gave her. The week before surgery, even the day before, she was still trying to talk me out of it! Suprisingly, my father was very supportive. Well, five months and 80 lbs later, she is exstatic. She tells everyone how much weight I lost and brags about me everywhere she goes. She tells me that she's so proud of me and how skinny I look! Okay, so I'm not actually skinny yet, but that's how I feel! Your mom loves you and worries for you. You need to make the best decision you can for you and don't worry, your mom will come around eventually. Good luck to you.
   — cjabates

November 1, 2002
I had the same problem. I dragged both of my parents kicking and screaming to a pre-op information session for my surgeon. After hearing what he had to say, my mom made an appointment for herself, too. Guess what? Now her surgery is scheduled for a week before mine. LOL. All it took was talking to a doctor and hearing the real facts.
   — Toni C.

November 1, 2002
Just a hunch -- is Mom overweight? Beyond that issue and family dynamics, taking my parents to a support group cemented their impression of surgery (especially since they got to meet an older person who had it, too). I took Mom to the doctor for a pre-surgery checkup where SHE was able to ask questions. I've lost 57# in 4 months - Mom is so happy and says it was the best thing I'v ever done!
   — Marti R.

November 1, 2002
My mom was not a happy camper when I told her I was having this surgery. She just thru up her hands and said "I don't Want to hear about it". She did listen to me explain it, but still thought I didn't need it. I weighed in at a wopping 382lbs. She kept saying "you look great the way you are" and "there are plenty of people in the world that are bigger than you" Only a real mother would say all of that. I thought about her feelings and tried to put myself in her shoes. I would be very fearful if my child told me they were having elective, albeit life saving surgery. She did not view it as life saving until I explained to her about the pain I was in. She never had a weight problem. Never weighed more than 130lbs. So, she could not fully appreciate my situation. She was still very scared went I went in for surgery. Now she is one of my biggest supporters. Telling me how great I look, bragging to friends about my weight loss, etc. Your mother is just being a mother. Once she knows her baby is going to fine, she will be one of your biggest cheerleaders.
   — Sandra C.

November 2, 2002
MY MOTHER IS NO LONGER HERE BUT IF SHE WAS I COULD JUST HEAR HER EAT LESS EXERCISE MORE. I HAD A LOT OF PEOPLE TELL ME NOT TO HAVE IT DONE BUT I HAD MY MIND MADE UP I WAS HAVING IT DONE BECAUSE I HAD TO MANY HEALTH PROMBLEMS THAT I JUST COULDT DEAL WITH. I EVEN HAD A NURSE IN OUR FAMILY TELL ME NOT TO HAVE IT DONE BUT I WOULD NOT LISTEN AND NOW I AM 6 MOS OUT LOST 90 LBS AND I FEEL GREAT AND MY MEDICAL PROMBLEMS ARE JUST ABOUT ALL GONE. SO DONT LET OTHER PEOPLE TALK YOU INTO ANYTHING THINK FOR YOURSELF AND I KNOW A MOTHER IS A VERY CLOSE THING TO YOU AND I KNOW IT MUST BE HARD LISTEN TO HER BECAUSE MY MOTHER WOULD OF BEEN THE SAME WAY TAKE CARE AND GOOD LUCK ROSEMARY
   — ROSEMARY A.

November 2, 2002
Kara I am having my surgery on 11/19/02 and my Mother is against it but tries to act like she is giving me support.She knows I need the support. She doesn't like to talk about it either. She says it is messing with nature and keeps telling me about how I lost 100 pounds on my own in 6 months before and how I could do it again. She is worried I will be sick all the time. Unless someone has been in our shoes they don't really understand the total picture. My Mom and I are best friends and she lives next door to me. I am her life right now and I know she is worried. I the last 5 years she has buried a son and a husband and doesn't want to bury me. But I have to do this for me I already put it off once because of her reaction. It is my turn now. I am sure she will be a basket case but then when she sees how happy I am as I am losing hopefully she will accept it. Wish me luck :)
   — Sheri H.

November 2, 2002
I was very supportive of my daughter's WLS, but you should have seen me beating myself up in the waiting room while she was in surgery. I also watched the nurses in ICU like an eagle. I am lucky I didn't get tossed. My point, Mommas worry.
   — faybay

November 6, 2002
My mom was VERY much against my having the surgery. She even tore into my surgeon when he came out to tell her I was alive and well!! After surgery I told her that if she didn't have anything positive to say, then keep it to herself. I didn't need or want her negativity. After 1 year and with me at my goal weight, she's gotten better. I think it's just them fearing that you'll die. However, now she tells me I'm too THIN and I need to eat more!!
   — Patty H.

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