Question:
Has anyone had someone use you to boost their self esteem?

Odd question here. I had my surgery on June 26 2002 I lost 65 lbs. so far. Dropped from a size 24W to a 16 misses. Before the days of my surgery I was 263 lbs. On some weekends my husband and I would go to church with his mother and spend the day with her so she can take time with our daughter. On the days when she knew we would be there she seemed to always dress in the most tinniest dress there was. (she is about 110 lbs. and wears a size 4) Of course I would come in anything that would hide every bit of my fat. She would flaunt around as we would talk to people and do the most ridiculous things in front of me like fitting into tight spaces she knew I couldn't fit into. On days she didn't know we were coming we would pop up on surprise, believe it or not she was dressed like a normal grandmother. Then we would go out to eat and she would talk me into ordering the most fatting high calorie thing on the menu and she would order a salad. This happened so many times I felt she was using me for self esteem boost. I know that my own self esteem wasn't so great then. On the other hand a friend of mine would see how man men she could get the attention from when I was around her. She too would dress up more, wear more makeup, and fix her hair more exotic. She would get the looks and if I could read her mind she would be laughing and telling me,"Don't you wish you looked had my looks." I noticed this action with others as well. Now that I've lost the weight everyone has toned down. Has this happened to others? Am I imagining all this? Or was I noticing more because I was very over weight with low self esteem at one point? Sorry this was so long but I feel a weight lifted off my back. Thank you all.    — Adele S. (posted on October 9, 2002)

October 9, 2002
I had a simular experience. I am still pre-op, but have had my sister-in-law say to me, "When you loose the weight, I will not be able to hang around you because you will be too cute.". I was floored, because for one I do not consider myself cute and secondly I will be the same inside (maybe a little more confident). I just tell myself that I my issues to deal with, she can handle her own. Congratulations on your success so far. :-)
   — sharon E.

October 9, 2002
I don't think that you where imagining this or feeling too perinoid. If you felt like this was happening, then it was! I too have a "mother in-law" who seems to be a little unsympathetic about how I feel. She doesn't try to flaunt her "thinness", but she always seems to point out how skinny someone is, how good someone looks, it always seems to be the topic of discussion at some point in the visit and it's always when there are other family members around, hers of course. She also seems to complain about her weight, "I'm so fat!" She has no idea of what being fat really means or how it feels. She thinks 15pds over ideal body weight is fat! HA! As far as your friend(s), I would question how good of a friend that person really is. A REAL FRIEND would never use you, your feelings or emotions and a pon to make them look or feel better about themselves.I'm sorry these people treat(ed) you that way. Those of us who have inconsiderate people in our lives just need to realize we don't need them and/or should not care or pay any attention to their rude behavior and surround ourselves with poeple who really like and love us and who would never hurt someone for such petty, childish issues. I hope this makes you feel a little better, if nothing else but to let you know you are not the only one being treated like crap! Congrats on your weight lose and I hope you continue to do well! I have not had my surgery yet...Dec. 6th! Can't wait! good luck with EVERYthing! Judith
   — Judith S.

October 9, 2002
Adele, I think that we notice more things when we are fat with low self-esteem. We tend to see everything through the prism of our weight and our unhappiness. And it never ceases to amaze me how insensitive some people can be until I realize that they are seeing life through their own prism. I have had tiny friends lament to me how "fat" they feel because they gained a few pounds, and their tummy was sticking out (yeah, right). I used to be amazed that they could say that to me, a person who was 100 pounds overweight, until I realized that they just see things through their own eyes and having never been fat, cannot put themselves in our shoes. In actuality, people like your mother-in-law and the friend who laud their looks or their thinness over you are the ones with low esteem. What would they be without their thinness or looks? Empty shells...
   — Cindy R.

October 9, 2002
I totally agree with the other posters. I don't have in-laws (yet). But I do have friends who flaunt how cute they are when we go out. I remember one time, in particular, several years ago when I had done Jenny Craig and lost weight down to 196. (I look pretty good at 196.) My girlfriend and I went out dancing and we met these 2 guys. My friend was dying over this one really good looking guy and that guy happened to like me! My friend couldn't believe it and she kept commenting (even the next day) on how good looking he was and implying why would he like me over her size 4 body. I let her get away with the comments a couple of times. Then I finally let her have it and said, "Get over it already. Not every man likes a skinny woman!" That shut her up. But to this day, she is still competitive about looks. But hehehe...I'm slowly catching up to her and let's see how she feels when I'm thin and we go out then. ;o) Anyway, to make a long, dumb story short (too late), people with low self-esteem are like that and it sucks that they use us to make themselves feel better. But we'll have our "revenge" some day when we're at goal and we're happy with ourselves, our bodies and our active lifestyles. :o)
   — Jennifer A.

October 9, 2002
Adele, you are not imagining things. This has happened to anyone who is overweight!! Just remember, two things: "No one can make you feel inferior without YOUR permission" and "It's a very SMALL (and I'm not talking about size!) person who would treat other human beings this way!" Hang in there!
   — asumamma1

October 10, 2002
Yes, other women have done various things to better their perception of themselves. From what you described, I sense that you are experiencing this and abit of your own mental issues...low self esteem, depression, insecurities. It is sad that people have to feel as though they must compare themselves to others. We all have sone it at one time or another. Just keep concentrating on your health, and do not let anyone try to sabotage it.
   — Jenny_B