Question:
Does anyone have advise on assuring my children that I am not going to die ?

I have 2 sons who have know me as obese all of their lives. My first husband died at age 31 suddenly, and now they are afraid I am going to die with this surgery? How can I assure them, if I don't have the surgery I am going to die. They are 13 and 15 years of age, the 13 year old is afraid I won't be funny anymore.He cries and doesn't want me to have the surgery which is in 2 weeks....HELP — MMClosing (posted on September 13, 2002)

Post your answer to this question Post your own question

September 13, 2002
hiya can you get in with a wls/weight issues therapist? if not, take them to a wls support group in your area. they are going to fear losing you and fear the changes - fear of the unknown!! it's normal for them to have these feelings. please consider getting some outside help to help you all through this time! good luck, kate open rny 6-14-01 pre op: 268lbs goal: 135lbs current: 130lbs [email protected]
— jkb

September 13, 2002
It is natural for kids to be afraid of the unknown, especially in their circumstances. I would stress to them that the surgery will reduce your risks of dying from the obesity related diseases. Professional help would be good. Check with your local support group or clergy. As for the fears that you will be different, and "not funny". Assure them that Mom is Mom nomatter your size. We have faced similar issues related to my disability. I think it is great that boys that age are verbalizing their feelings.
— Carol G.

September 13, 2002
I think you should get professional advise (counselor, minister, etc) about this. My personal feeling is that you shouldn't promise them you won't die - because you could die - and then the emotional scars will be even worse because "Mommy promised us she wouldn't die"....see what I mean? Of course, there are ways to handle the truth concerning the risks involved - that's where some professional advice would come in handy.
— Cathy J.

September 13, 2002
Tell them the truth. What I told my son (age 13 at the time) was that there are risks with any surgery, but remaining obese is a much greater risk. Tell them that WITH surgery, you are increasing the likelihood that you will be around for weddings, births, grandchildren, and old age. Tell them that with a little risk now, you are DEcreasing risk, lifelong, and that all statistics indicate that this step will ensure that you are more likely to be with them for a long, long time. I would tell an older kid, with a sense of humor, that the only thing they have to worry about is someday having to find a nursing home that will take a crusty old bat like me! If your 13 year old would like to talk to my 13 year old, please email me and maybe we can get them together on the horn for a chat. My son loves the new me. Make sure your kids have a trusted adult with them during the day of surgery. If they will be going to school, make sure their teachers know and can have the school social worker or nurse process some fears with them. Best wishes!
— Nancy G.

September 14, 2002
These are ALL great answers, Melissa. The only thing that I'd have to include would be to prepare your sons for what you will feel like and how you will seem "weak and sore" after the surgery. Seeing you the first few weeks after your major surgery will be very scary to them, especially since they've had the experience that "death CAN happen to someone they love!" Preparing them for this should help the fears that will crop up when they see you flinch with pain, or feeling tired and vulnerable at times. As long as they know that it is a part of ANY MAJOR surgery, it may help those fears. The idea of hooking your 13 yr. old up with the person's 13 year old that has been through it IS AN EXCELLENT IDEA! Wow, the support groups have helped me tremendously.....the idea that our family members could talk to others that have been there....GREAT! My parents were terrified when they wheeled me in for surgery, and were crying in the elevator. A woman, (a sweet angel), asked if she could help them. When my parents explained, she replied that she'de had surgery the year before. She then offered to have coffee with them in the cafeteria, shared pictures and her experience, and helped them TREMENDOUSLY! I can only say prayers for this unknown woman, thanking her for her kindness in reaching out to help them. Good luck with your surgery....your boys will love the vibrant new you....but remind them that it will take a little bit. OK? **HUGS** Tammy Rominger
— tammy R.

September 14, 2002
Do you know someone in your area who has had WLS? If your children could meet someone who has had the surgery, it might help them understand.......
— barbara A.

September 14, 2002
while my children(who are really young adults) have not expressed fear of my death, my best friend has. while not coming right out and saying she is afraid I'll die she had said she is worried about complications. and she said she is afraid I'll be different. I told her I may look different on the out side but the inside will still be the same old me.
— **willow**

September 14, 2002
My kids are only 8 & 9, but they were also scared, especially my daughter. She didn't want me to do it. I focused on the outcome rather than the surgery. I answered any of their questions very straightforwardly, but always twisted it to end up on the good that would come from it. Probably the best thing I did was set a goal with each of them that was something they'd like me to do with them that I can't do now because of my weight. My son & I will be bike riding next summer and I'll be on horseback with my daughter! That gave them something to look forward to and a reason to help Mom get skinny!
— jen41766

September 14, 2002
I would be very honest about the statistics. About 1 in 300 people DOES die from this surgery, but 299/300 go on to have healthier, happier lives. As far as not being "funny" anymore, assure your children that only your outside is going to change, and it's not going to happen overnight. It will happen over the course of a year or more. Good luck - I'm sure you'll choose the right words.
— Terissa R.

September 15, 2002
Melissa, I have 3 children which are younger than yours, but what I did was introduce them to a co-worker who had the surgery done. Whatever you do, is do not promise them that everything will be alright. Do your best to explain everything to them. Show them this website of success stories, let them talk to your doctor and most importantly understand them. What I am doing is making a video and writing letters to each of my children (just in case.) Tell your kids that being overweight does not make you funnier, you just make funnier noises. Ha Ha. Do your best to assure them without making promises. Good luck. If you have any questions, email me at [email protected]. I am a nurse and if emailing me might help you or them, feel free.
— Stephanie T.

Click Here to Return

Our Mission

Follow us

Links

Select Photos