Question:
My husband will not put me on his ins. He is scared that i will be very sick.
Yet he has watched all the programs on Discovery TLC ect... on this surgery. I can't get insurance because of my weight and my job does not offer. He is my only hope. Any Suggestions. He is supportive i all other aspects. He tells me that if i weigh 500lbs he will love me. But the thing is i won't. I see this surgery as my second chance in life to be fit and healthy. He tried to tell me that if i really wanted to loose weight i could. This is coming from someone who does not have a weight problem. Please give me some insight on how to talk to him about this.thanks — sarah C. (posted on January 8, 2002)
January 8, 2002
Maybe I don't understand your post. Are you saying that you have no health
insurance? And that your husband won't add you to his health
insurance?<p>I really hope that is not what you are saying. It is
unrealistic to think that, MO or not, you won't have health problems sooner
or later. YOU NEED INSURANCE!!!<p>That said, a lot of spouses are
insecure with the changes they imagine will happen with weight loss. Maybe
HE will love YOU at 500 pounds, but will YOU love HIM at 125 pounds? I told
my husband that I wanted to have the surgery so we could grow old together.
Most MO people don't have that chance, they're killed off by diabetes,
hypertension, heart disease, cancer, etc. Tell him you want to be healthy.
If he really is supportive, surely he can understand that!
— ctyst
January 8, 2002
You and your husband have issues that you cannot expect anwswers for from a
bunch of strangers on a message board.You need to get to counseling, or to
at least have your physician talk with him. Is he going to love you just as
you are when you are dead from obesity related problems? Love wants to see
the very, very best for its loved-ones....
— Cathy J.
January 8, 2002
I cannot believe he will not put you on his insurance. I mean, forget the
surgery for a moment. What if something unexpected and terrible happens to
you? What then?
— BlueGray
January 8, 2002
I emailed you earlier about this.....apparently I'm not the only one who
feels that a husband denying his wife health ins. is terrible....just
wanted to add something........you asked for some insight on how to talk to
him about it.......well, first I would suggest you get him to sit down next
to you at the computer and let him read some info about MO and surgery. At
least this way he will be able to make an educated decision. Show him some
statistics . Go to a local support group meeting and have him go with you.
Show him some before and after pictures......if he still denies you health
insurance.......get a lawyer! Best of luck to you! : ) Hope everything
works out for the best.
— Kim B.
January 8, 2002
If it is fear of losing you that is driving his behavior, then
have him come on here with you and research and meet people
or better yet, take him to a support group meeting in your
area if there is one. Information is the only way to help
him through this. If you want- have him e-mail my husband to
get a hubby's point of view from 2 years post op. If he is
simply a controlling husband, you got a whole other set of
problems that probably need a lawyers attention unfortunately.
One question, though, with no insurance, you might want to ask
him how he is going to pay your medical bills from your
comorbidities if you don't lose weight. E-mail me if you want
my hubby's help- I will be praying for you!
— M B.
January 8, 2002
I think your husband has more of a problem than just that. You have NO
insurance? This is NOT right. He doesnt want to pay for it out of his
check. I see that IS the problem.
I think you need a counselor OR an attorney. But Im divorced, and just see
it that way.
— Connie M.
January 8, 2002
I'm sorry , am I missing something? Are you saying your husband (who loves
you) is denying you health insurance? How can he do that?Is it even legal?
I think your husband will love you at 500lbs , in fact he just may love you
to death. He needs help.
— Rose A.
January 8, 2002
First of all, I have to say, I would NEVER EVER want to hurt anyones
feelings. That being said, I definately have to agree that you and your
husband seem to have more problems than just this one. any husband who
would deny their wife health insurance has more than just a problem with
her weight. He has a control issue which is bigger than the both of you.
He holds all the cards right now for your future. I am sure that he likes
that but, it's NOT healthy for you. I don't care if you are skinny or
large, you deserve the same as him and if he loves you like you say, he
wants you to have MORE than him. That's what love is all about. He can
say that he loves you all he wants and that he is afraid, but in the end,
what he is doing, is controlling you like I would venture to guess he has
done for years because mostly likely, your self esteem is not the best.
Please, I beg of you to wake up and smell the roses! YOU ARE A WORTHWHILE
PERSON WHO DESERVES EVERYTHING GOOD IN LIFE! We all are. We deserve to be
the best person we can be and if there is someone in our lives who don't
want that for us, we have to question their motives and their love.
Funny thing is that I am not one to extoll the virtues of this surgery as
anyone that has seen my posts knows, but, I AM one who believes that each
and every one of us is worthwhile and has a purpose on this earth. We each
deserve happiness individually and no one else can tell us what will make
us happy. Each human being knows that for themselves in their hearts.
Please see a counselor either together or alone but you must talk to
someone about your selfworth and selflove. Good luck to you always.
— Barbara H.
January 8, 2002
OMG--you need the insurance regardless of WLS!!!!! It only takes one minor
injury or illness to destroy your credit, savings, and financial future!!!!
Ask your husband if HE can afford to pay for an emergency appendectomy, a
broken leg, or a sleep study ($2000-5000) if you need one. If he says
"yes" then he can pay out-of-pocket for your surgery and all the
after care and for any complications you may have. DEMAND TO BE ADDED TO
HIS POLICY OR WALK OUT THE DOOR TODAY!!!!! It's that important! If he
loves and respects you, he will add you immediately. If nothing else, call
his employer and add yourself!!!!!
— [Anonymous]
January 8, 2002
Sarah...I would immediately go to a lawyer and find out your options...I
don't mean for a divorce, but to find out if you have a legal right to be
added to your husband's insurance. This is nuts...for anyone to risk their
financial future without health insurance, when there is an option to have
it...find a lawyer, immediately. I wouldn't discuss it with your husband
again. THis is not a WLS issue...it's a humanitarian issue. Best wishes.
— Yvonne R.
January 8, 2002
I like other posters, think this is out rageous!!! What if you have a heart
attack, diabetes, broken arm, have high blood pressure.... What will he do?
( is he soooo rich$$$$)
Maybe he needs help, well he DOES need help!!! Get a lawyer,
or walk out!!! You could die at the hands of this man w/out
proper treatment. ( not WLS) just anything that might happen to you. I
don't think you should w/hold health insurance if you truley love someone.
— [Anonymous]
January 8, 2002
Ahh, dont panic. He is concerned for your safety, and perhaps concerned you
might find a hew hubby once you loose all that weight and become a
knockout. You need to take him to support group meetings, take a post op to
dinner and here there story one on one, while you watch them eat a normal
healthy meal. By a book, Barbara Thompson here wrote one about her
experience with WLS that includes a whole chapter for the significant
other. Her hubby originally didnt think she needed surgery either. Give it
some time and become a sales person for surgery! This will be the BEST
decision you have EVER made. Read my profile for more nfo, and welcome!
— bob-haller
January 8, 2002
Sounds to me like the only weight you need to loose is HIM!!
What a insensitive, tight-wad of a jerk. He needs some
serious help AND a good swift kick. Some men make me so
angry. I'm divorced and reading/hearing things like this
really gets to me. I hope you find a way to have the operation
and get to looking so fantastic that you leave him, find
someone else and live happily ever after.
— [Anonymous]
January 8, 2002
It sounds almost like he is holding the insurance hostage.... surely there
must be some negotiation with him? Do you have kids? Are they
"allowed" insurance? There are times when my husband can be
downright pig-headed and idiotic (arguing anything from the paint color on
our walls to the contacts I wanted) but I don't go running for a divorce
lawyer for every minor fracas; you simply must become smarter than him.
You must convince him. I have learned the utmost superior negotiation
skills just by being married to my husband. I love him to bits- but that
doesn't mean he gets to control me or every situation, and make all the
decisions. Believe me he tries, sometimes I let him think he is in charge-
but 9 outta 10 times it is entirely my doing. I tend to think most
households run this way. He is withholding insurance from you because he
wants to control the decision, and you. What would happen if you started
witholding his meals from him? What then? Or what if you just stopped
going to work without asking him. What would he do?
— Karen R.
January 8, 2002
Like the others, I can't believe that he is willing to not have any
insurance for you. Maybe some hard numbers will help him see the light. I
had emergency gall bladder surgery about a year and a half ago. The
hospital bill alone was nearly $40,000. Then you have to figure in several
thousand for the surgeon and another couple of thousand for the
anesthesiologist. Does he have that kind of money? Gall bladder problems
are quite common in the obese and you don't necessarily get any warning. I
had no idea that there was anything wrong with mine until I got sick.
Then, like everyone else has said, what about any other illness or injury
you might have. Does he want to pay out of pocket for any of that?
— [Anonymous]
January 8, 2002
He won't put you on his insurance?! How crazy and unsupportive is that?
Not only for the WLS, BUT, what if you had a heart attack, got cancer,
needed a kidney? He needs to think in a broader realm than just the weight
loss surgery. Then, alo, he may need to make a trip to a family doctor
like mine who encouraged me so much to have this surgery, saying that if I
DIDN'T have it, how sick I was going to end up being. I'd have this
surgery again if I had to in order to get healthy. He needs to do some
research on the weight loss surgery. It's a life-saver, not a killer. Are
you sure he's not afraid you'll end of becoming a smaller person and then
leave him? It couldn't be a case of insecurity, could it?
— [Anonymous]
January 8, 2002
Sarah, just one more thing. Please remember and tell your hubby that even
if he puts you on his insurance today, you will NOT be eligible to have
this surgery for at least a year most likely because it's preexisting. He
will have a year to see whether this is something you still want and in
that year, you can possibly go to counseling with him. Just thought I
would add that. Good luck.
— Barbara H.
January 9, 2002
Your profile says you will be on your husbands insurance in Feb 2002. Did
this change? I have to agree with the rest of the posters. You know, it is
your right to be included on your husbands insurance policy. This is
something you must insist on regardless of WLS. I wish you the best.
— crishsapig
January 9, 2002
First of all I cant believe your husband will let you be without insurance.
Just wait until something major happens and he has to pay out of pocket.
Second of all.. you may not have to wait to have surgery like I have seen
suggested to you. Most group plans offered by employers have no waiting
period. I was added to my husbands insurance in May....I had surgery in
November the same year. The only reason it was not done sooner as I
planned a three state away move and wanted that done before hand. You need
to have a serious talk with your husband! It is your right as his wife to
be on his insurance policy that is why they have the spouse section on the
application!
— Pamela W.
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