Question:
How to say good bye to children before surgery?
I AM DUE FOR SURGERY NEXT WEEK AND I HAVE TO SAY GOOD BYE TO MY 10YEAR OLD DAUGHTER THE NIGHT PRIOR TP SURGERY I WILL BE BRAVE AND NOT DUMP MY EMOTIONS ONTO HER SHE IS AWARE ONLY OF THE BASICS BUT WITH MY HEART CONDITINS THERE IS A GREATER RISK THAN NORMAL HOW HAVE ALL YOU POST P PARENTS COPED WITH THE GOODBYE PREOP.. — [Anonymous] (posted on November 30, 2001)
November 29, 2001
I'm still pre-op, but I've started writing letters. I am going to write
them for certain milestones. My kids are young, 5 yrs and 9 mos. I will
write letters for them to open when they are 10, 13, 16 and 18. The night
before I will tell them I love them when I tuck them in. I will not tell
them that something bad might happen. Childrens fears are so strong. No
one ever wants to think something will happen to them, but like a good
girlscout, always be prepared. Good luck on your surgery! Enjoy your new
birthday!
— Goldilauxx B.
November 30, 2001
My son is also 10, and my surgery was the 3rd day of school, in a new
school, so I enlisted the advise from his current and former teachers.
They suggested keeping things very posative and not dwelling on the fact
that you might not survive----chances are that you will, you will have a
great surgeon, an anesthesiologist, and many others in the OR who don't
want a bad outcome. I told my son that yes some people die, but I put it
into mathematical terms that he could understand----not that 5 people out
of 1000 like me would have a problem and could die, but that 995 people out
of 1000 don't have a problem so he really shouldn't worry. I'm sure that
as long as you are above a 50% chance of survival, this approach will work.
The other thing I did was to write a short, brief and touching letter,
that just incase something did happen, he'd know that it wasn't anyone's
fault, that I loved him, and the reasons I had the surgery were for health
concerns, not vanity. After I came home, the letter got burned, as it
wasn't needed. There were 2 other things we did that really worked. One,
I had my surgeon call the principal of the school and tell her that
everything went fine. She was so tickled that she announced over the loud
speaker to the whole school "that all went fine, and they should say a
prayer of Thanskgiving for Billy & Me", what can I say the
principal is a nun & it is a catholic school. I know the secretary and
principal of my son's former school would have gone down to my son's
classroom, and gave him the message personally too. The other thing was
for me to arrange for my mother-in-law to pick my son up after school that
day, and bring him to the hospital for a visit. My son was soooo glad to
see that I was fine, and talked, and talked, and talked----and all I really
wanted to do was rest---thank God for the morphine button! After having
dinner in the hospital cafeteria, and stopping by for a quick good-by, my
son was able to go home, get his homework done and sleep
well-----definately worth it!
— Sue F.
November 30, 2001
My daughter was 20.5 months old when I had my surgery and I selfishly took
her with me, along with her father and old nanny, on the day of my surgery.
She had fun with the nurses, enjoyed a cup of ice chips, and had one last
nursing session before I got my sedative. She was at that age where bye-bye
is a fun production, so I think she actually enjoyed the whole thing, but
of course, was too young to really understand.<p>I did make sure that
our wills were up-to-date, and I secretly wrote letters for her at 5, 10,
15, and 20. Those letters were VERY hard to write and I shed many tears
while writing them. Obviously, I survived, but I still haven't decided to
throw those letters away. I know that I, like so many people, sometimes
have trouble expressing how much I love someone (though I do it pretty well
with Joanne), and I think about how much letters like these would have
meant to me if they were written by MY mother, and I think I might give
them to her even though I *did* live!<p>Wow, this is not really a
good answer. Anyway, my therapist and others recommended telling her the
truth but not mentioning death at all. With a 10 year old, I think I would
say something about it, but as an earlier poster said, as something like
998 out of 1000 survive. And then have the rest of the family work hard to
keep the routine going while you are in the hospital. Most kids find that
routine very comforting. Good luck with your surgery! P.S. I have photos of
me immediately pre-op on my <a href="http://www.jewelyam.com"
target="_blank">photos page</a>.
— Julia M.
November 30, 2001
You don't say "good-bye"...you put on your happy face and tell
her that Mom is going to have an operation that will make her
happier and healthy and that means the whole family will be happier.
Don't act like you are going to die....even if you don't say the words,
the poor kid will pick-up on your emotions. Giver her big hug and a kiss
to "tide her over" until she can come see you in a few days. One
never knows
...and if this is a big risk for you, write her letter and leave
her a cross or locket or bracelet. Something that she can keep for a
lifetime.
Give these things to a good friend or relative to give to her when they
think
she is ready.
— [Anonymous]
November 30, 2001
My surgery is in 10 days and I've been wondering how to handle the
goodbyes. I have 3 daughters, ages 5, 8 and 10. I don't know yet if I will
have the 8am or 1pm OR slot, so I'll either be waking the kids up to say
goodbye or telling them goodbye before school. I drive them to school
everyday and wait outside my 5 y/o's classroom until the teacher opens the
door. I don't know if I can trust my emotions to do the good byes in front
of the school, so I may have to let my husband or mom drive them there that
day. If I have the 8am slot, I have to be at the hospital at 6 and will
have to wake them at 5 to say goodbye. That might seem cruel to some, but I
can't imagine them waking up to me already having gone. I don't think there
is an easy way to say goodbye to your children before major surgery. I
think this is going to be the hardest part for me. I was just thinking
today that I will have my husband call the school and pass along the
message that the surgery is over and I'm fine, if God willing, thats the
case. My kids go to a small public school with the most caring, loving
teachers. I've been assured by all of them that they will be there for the
girls in any way they can. Support like this makes it all so much easier.
Good Luck to you.
— Donna L.
November 30, 2001
Please don't say "Goodbye". What would you tell her if you were
having your gall bladder out? I need to have an operation that will fix a
problem in my body. After this surgery, people feel better, live longer
and enjoy life more. Tell her that you'll feel grumpy for a couple of
weeks afterward and you'll be sore, but hopefully you'll be better than
ever in a year. It is extremely rare to die with this surgery, so don't
traumatize your daughter with this remote possibility. Instruct a trusted
adult with the information you'd want her to know if you DON'T make it.
But you will!!!
— Nancy G.
November 30, 2001
As a mom of 4 adopted kids, I've thought about this a lot. My surgery is
Jan 3. I've had the date for over 6 months and I've talked to my kids a
lot about the surgery (in terms they could understand). I have NOT told
them that there is a chance of death. I will not tell them that. I've
just treated it as a very routine thing, talked about it a lot, explained
that mommy won't be able to eat sugar anymore, and showed them lots of
pictures of how people changed. They have loved looking at the
Before/After pictures with me. A very good friend that they have spent
weekends with before will be caring for them while I'm out of town (hubby
will be with me). I'm also planning on leaving a tape recording of me
reading them a story to play when they feel lonely. If worse case occurs,
(and I don't expect it to), hubby will explain to them then. They do NOT
need to worry before hand. It is totally outside of their own control.
— Kathy J.
November 30, 2001
I think that although you have serious pre-morbid conditions, it would be a
mistake to make a bigger production over the risks of surgery than already
exist. You should talk to children about the tasks you will need help with
once your back from the hospital, not the potential of funeral
arrangements.
G-d forbid there is a catastrophe, the children will find little comfort in
any goodbyes. How you live your life with them before and after surgery is
the essence of love and relationships.
I look forward to seeing you on the healthier, happier side.
— michelle R.
November 30, 2001
This was a very difficult thing for me to do as well. I kept putting off
surgery because in the beginning my daughter asked me "What if you
die?" It scared me so much... I kept gaining and gaining and decided
to go ahead. I was still petrified of leaving my daughter without a mother,
but the risks of not having surgery were greater.... I just acted normal
and told her I'd see her in a few days. My mother brought her to visit me
in the hospital, and it was great... I think it made her feel a lot better.
A lot of people may disagree with me, or even think it's morbid, but the
weeks before surgery I went out and got some really nice stationary paper
and wrote letters to all of the people that were important to me... My
hubby, parents, daughter, brother, etc... It was very difficult to actually
do, and they already know how much I love them. If anything were to happen
to me I wanted them to know why I had surgery and how much they were loved.
I can't tell you the peaceful feeling that I had once I finished those
letters. I left them sealed in a manilla envelope and gave them to my
mother for safekeeping. I still have the envelope, still sealed... Thank
goodness we never had to open it, but still, having done that made it sooo
much easier for me before I went in for surgery. I hope this helps,
everyone has there own way of dealing with things. I just wanted to share
my story with you. Take care of yourself.
— [Anonymous]
December 1, 2001
I didn't tell my girls goodbye, they are 11-1/2 and 13 and I just couldn't
bare it, I was real emotional the day before surgery, but was very calm the
day of surgery. I wrote each of them a very long and detailed letter of why
I had the surgery and if they read the letter then something must had gone
wrong. Even thou I have had alot of problems I never let them read them. I
tore them up as soon as I was able to get up and about. But don't worry I
am sure you will be just fine. Good Luck! Love, Laura
— laurac82101
December 1, 2001
You might borrow a camcorder and record your messages on videotape. Its
VERY unlikely it will be needed, but you will feel better for having done
it. I have a friend whos Mon died of cancer when she was 2 years old. She
treasures a diary of sorts her mom kept for her during pregnancy up till
the time of her death. her mom knew she was terminal.
— bob-haller
December 2, 2001
I too wrote my kids each a long letter. I told my husband only to let them
read them if something were to happen to me. I still have them and figure
if I do die suddenly the letters could be easily found and would still tell
them everything I'd want to say before I had to go. Hope this helps...best
of luck!
— [Anonymous]
December 3, 2001
i, too, wanted to leave messages for my children but writing it in a letter
didnt appeal to me. it just seemed too impersonal to me. since i had to be
in florida this weekend where all 3 of them live, i decided that we would
have a 'sitdown'. i told them the reasons i was having the surgery &
why it was so important to me. i also recognized their feelings of
apprehension about me having the surgery & that if something went wrong
there was to be no blame or guilt, that it is my life therefore, my CHOICE.
i also told each of them what it is about them that makes me proud &
most importantly, that they remember how very much i love them. my older
boy is comfortable with my decision as he has battled his weight problem
all his life. my daughter & younger son understand why i am doing it
but r not happy about it because they r afraid of losing their mommy. my
daughter is the most unhappy about it because she herself will be a mommy
in february. my 'tall, skinny all her life' sister is most supportive as is
her husband. so much so that they r traveling 8 hours to be with me &
my honey when i have the surgery. of course, she remembers all the torment
her fat older sister has gone thru from the age of 6 when i could only fit
in size 'chubby'. yes, 48 years ago there was an actual size called chubby.
any way u chose to leave ur children a message, make sure that u stress all
the love u feel for them & that by doing this for urself u r also doing
it for them.
— sheryl titone
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