Question:
has anyone ever gotten divorced because husband did not agree with this surgery or
was not very supportive? did anyone's husband treat them different after either better or worse? i don't feel that i have to have permission to do this but i wonder about the changes that my family will have. — [Anonymous] (posted on March 1, 2002)
March 1, 2002
Try taking your hubby to a support group meeting, and get Barb Thompsons
great book about weight loss surgery, with one chapter devoted to this very
subject. Take a post op to dinner, see them eat small amounts of good food?
ALL this will help SO MUCH.
— bob-haller
March 1, 2002
I talk about this a bit in my profile. Dan and I were married 6 years and
we are going through a divorce now, I am 5 months post-op. He was not very
supportive of me. I finally got enough of my self-esteem back to tell him
to decide how he was going to handle things... get rid of his girlfriend,
stop talking about divorce, and stay, or get the hell out. Obviously, he
left. Three months later, he's broken up with the girlfriend he had when he
moved out, and I've got a new lover, my pottery teacher, who I've had my
eye on for a year (we were both married when we met and have behaved
impeccably). Am I happier? MUCH. Did the WLS save our marriage? Nope. Did
it save my sanity and health? YES. <p>Why on earth do you need
permission to save your life? Would you ask permission to catch a life ring
if you were drowning?<p>Good luck on your journey. Feel free to write
me privately if you want.
— Julia M.
March 1, 2002
My husband was so very excited about me having surgery... Now, that I'm
out and down 88 lbs and a LOT more active, he doesn't know how to
"deal" with me.. And we're going to have to start counseling
soon... I admit, it has changed me.. a LOT .. as far as how often I'm up
and out, and he hasn't changed with me, I really didn't expect him to, but
it's causing problems.. </p> But getting permission from him? NO
WAY! this was MY time to do for ME.. I had to educate him, but that was as
far as I went.. he gained the enthusiasm on his own.. He doesn't regret me
having surgery, but I think he resents it.. Good luck on your journey!
— Elizabeth D.
March 1, 2002
My husband was somewhat supportive when I told I wanted it done and then
right before surgery told me he was totally against it. He didn't want me
to do it. But I was doing this for me. I worked too hard researching and
getting everything together to have this surgery to just not do it because
he didn't want me to. Well we had a huge right over the phone while I was
staying at my girlfriends house recovering the first week and when I came
home he was so supportive, caring and loving. He totally took care of
everything for me when he got home from work everyday. I think he was
worried about me dying, or complications and didn't know much about the
whole surgery and details. I tried to show him articles many times before
surgery, but he refused to read them. I think he thought I wouldn't go
through with it. Now he is enjoying looking at me and all of the benefits
of me losing weight. He does make some really inconsiderate comments once
in a while,(about hanging skin, etc. But I have not exercised so I think he
is hoping that will get my butt into gear) but I've let him know how bad it
makes me feel and he has pretty much stopped that. Like all marriages, we
have problems, but not because of me having this surgery. Good luck and do
what is right for YOU!!
— Dawn H.
March 1, 2002
I have two questions for the women who responded to this post. If your
husband made a life altering decision and you felt it was wrong how would
you behave? What if he said to you "I'm going ahead with this anyway
weather you like it or not"??????
This is a very dificult situation for a partnership!!
— Robert L.
March 1, 2002
I am a pre-op and have seperated from my wife with the intention of
divorce. I felt that this surgery was worth more to me than my marriage.
Our marriage was not on the best grounds to begin with, and the more
determined I got, the more she resisted me having surgery. I felt that I
needed to make this decision with my future in mind, where am I going to be
in 5 years with or without this surgery, 10 years, 20 years. In all
probability I would still be having all the same problems that I have now
plus a few bonus problems from extended pain med use, anti-depressant use,
nerve desensitization medication use, and so forth and so on. I would also
imagine that I would be separated 5 years down the road regardless of
whether or not I have WLS.
— Andrew R.
March 1, 2002
I appreciate Robert showing the male point of view here. However I don't
view my surgery as a life "altering" procedure; I view it as a
life SAVING procedure. My husband was extremely supportive. But if he
wasn't I think I would've done it anyway. And if he couldn't live with it,
he'd have to go because I couldn't live without it. If the shoe was on the
other foot, I'd act the same way my husband did.
— Jeannet
March 1, 2002
I am almost 6 monts post-op. My husband was totally against the surgery
and we fought right up to when I drove out of the driveway (with my mother)
to go the the hospital for the surgery. Then, while I was in surgery my
husband and my mother got into it in the waiting room. My mom told him he
was being and a$$ and that he should be ashamed of himself for not
supporting me. Well, things have not gotten any better I'm sorry to say.
My husband has suffered from depression since childhood and this has sent
him into a tail spin. I have lost 88 pounds and I feel great except I so
miss my husband. He sleeps in the other room and fixes all his own meals.
I hope he gets over it someday. I think maybe a fat wife was his security
blanket!
— MARSHA D.
March 1, 2002
Robert, I think Andrew may have answered some of your questions. As
another poster said, this is life SAVING surgery. Any marriage where one
spouse would not support the other one having a life saving surgery is a
marriage which is already in trouble. I've heard people say that this
surgery can make a good marrige better and a bad one worse. Lot of truth
to that statement.
— garw
March 1, 2002
My husband was very supportive of me having WLS surgery. He thought the
same as I as a Life-Saving surgery. I doubt I would have made it 10 more
years. I am 3 month post op and have lost 42 pounds. My husband loves
it. I think you just have to explain it to him in a way that he gets it
that it is "LIFE SAVING" and that it will not change your
feelings for him (unless it would-never deliberately lie to him). My
problem was my father because he knew someone who had WLS 25 years ago who
died. I gave him research and explained to him that it is a different
procedure now than it was 25 years ago. My father is now thrilled with how
good I feel and how happy I am.
— Terri H.
March 1, 2002
I was lucky to have a supportive husband, but I think I would have had the
surgery, even if he was opposed to it. I did it for me ... but I knew it
would affect him too. Instead of announcing that I was having weight loss
surgery whether he liked it or not ... I approached it as something I was
seriously considering and what did he think about it. I talked to him
about it privately and I asked his opinion ... not because I needed his
permission, but because I respected his feelings and I do care what he
thinks. His response was that he knew I felt terrible all the time and
that my health was deteriorating fast and he would support anything that
would help me. He was always supportive, but he was also scared ... and I
think this is very normal. He was scared that something would go wrong
during the surgery and I would die. He was also scared that when I lost
weight my feelings for him would change and I might leave him. I did my
best to reassure him that the odds were in my favor that I would do just
fine, but if it was my time to go, the Lord would take me home whether I
was on the operating table or on the couch in our living room. I also
tried extra hard to reassure him that he was my one and only and he was
going to be stuck with me whether I was fat, thin or in between. If you
have been married for a while, you probably know what makes your spouse
feel loved, cherished and secure. Be sure you give them lots of whatever
it is! We were able to work through all of our issues and we are doing
fine. However, we have been married for a long time (27 years) so this may
be a factor in why we were able to get through it -you get to know each
other pretty well in 27 years. So, I guess you can consider this to be the
"old married folks" response.
— Lynn T.
March 1, 2002
You asked:
"if your husband made a life altering decision and you felt it was
wrong how would you behave?".
*******************************************************
I guess I would have to ask myself (the husband) why I felt something was
wrong that could save their spouses life. I believe "life
altering" could equate to "life saving" if you think about
it. Altering weight? That's what is causing the medical problems...of
course altering it to a lesser poundage would only make things better.
I (the patient) would "behave" by trying to educate him/her (the
spouse) in finding out how, if something is not done on a permanent basis
for weight loss on morbid obesity, your going to lose your spouse to death.
Did you realize there is a 200%+ higher risk of something fatal happening
to your spouse if something isn't done? Do you realize that more likely
than not, your spouse has done just about every trick in the book to lose
weight and although many times it's worked - it usually always creeps back
on. A thin, healthy person has a hard time, it seems, understanding there
is more to losing weight and being healthy than just losing weight. The
"yo-yo" syndrome is one of the very worst things a person can do
to their body, believe me, I'm dealing with the reprocussions of it now. I
can tell you if you are the one the question is being asked for and your
wife has come to you and was brave enough to tell you this is what she is
thinking about, maybe join her for a seminar. Read the literature that
shows the success rate being permanent and give your wife back the life she
deserves. I do not believe I'd ever say to my husband, "I'm going
ahead with this anyway whether you like it or not" but I would try to
encourage him to read and get educated to see that it's one of the only
permanent weight loss solutions that would give the patient their health
back. Are there risk? You bet but not as many as come with morbid obesity
and the health risk it carries every single day of our life as we carry
this much excess weight.
I am going to tell you about myself & my husband. I am the patient - I
have been overweight my entire life. When he & I met, I was at approx.
250 lbs. and he married me closer to 300 pounds. He has never once said
anything about my weight. He has shown me unconditional love more than I
could have ever imagined I was worthy of. I was incredibly, incredibly
scared to go and talk to them about the surgery. I just knew that he'd say
something to me that I didn't want to hear (ie: "just eat
better", "try another diet", "you should walk and
exercise more", or "that's too drastic, let's try..."). I
took him in the bedroom and I looked him straight in the eye and I told him
that I was extremely concerned with the ongoing health problems I was
having and I wanted to do something permanent about my weight. I told him
I had been doing research on a permanent weight loss solution that had an
80 - 90% success rate although there are some risks. I had everything
prepared showing him the risks of the surgery verses the risks of carrying
the extra weight (I am currently at 346). He listened carefully and he
knew that I wouldn't do anything to jeopardize our
relationship/partnership...I only wanted to make it better. He has joined
me to every single major doctors office visit and he has sat in on the
seminar to educate himself. He went to the psychologist with me and also
with the nutritionist...we're doing it as a team and it's only helping our
partnership to get better. I want to live my life with him and grow old
with him and he's supportive of me getting my health back.
I wish you all the best.
— Lisa J.
March 1, 2002
Lynn T writes: I did my best to reassure him that the odds were in my
favor that I would do just fine, but if it was my time to go, the Lord
would take me home whether I was on the operating table or on the couch in
our living room.
Lynn ~ I love that thought !! My surgery is upcoming (on the 9th of April)
and I am going to hang on to those words until after I am through the
surgery. Thank you for posting it!!
— Lisa J.
March 1, 2002
My husband loved me when I was FAT, he also never said anything about my
weight/eating. When I approached him, I had the mag. article of Carnie
Wilson w/ pics. I was not as heavy as her, but i asked him about what he
thought about me having WLS. To my surprise, he said Go for it!
We are actually having fun eating out, i never finish anything, and
sometimes I just eat a few bites from his plate. He even treats me better
than before and always says
how he can tell I'm loosing. ( i am only 9 weeks out) HOWEVER.... My friend
, who is a nurse, has a husband who calls her every hour, to see where
she's at. She loves him and would NEVER do anything to ruin their
marriage. But because of HIS insecurity, he always needs to know where she
is , what time she'll be home etc. She said if he keeps this up, He is
going to chase her away. Just what he
doesn't want. She commemnted to me that there should be a
support group for the spouse whether male/female. i think
this is a great idea for those who have less than supportive
spouses. The bottom line is DO it for you, and not anyone else.
— Cindee A.
March 1, 2002
Ya know, I mentioned the possibility of getting WLS to my mom and she was
very upset with me because she is afraid I would do terribly. I am 373
pounds and if I don't get any weight off by the fall, I am going to
seriously consider this as an option. So, I called my father yesterday and
asked him what he thought. He said he thinks it is a good idea if I cannot
get it off on my own. He is worried sick about my health because I have so
many other problems that were there before I even got heavy. So, I find it
interesting that my father is more supportive than my mom. A man they knew
had surgery and did very well on it and this makes my father feel more
competent. However, a woman my dad knows that used to come to our family
get together's also had surgery. He even mentioned her and how happy she
has been, and how much better off. Thing is, he also knows that she almost
died from the surgery and had to go in twice for a revision. This was years
back when the surgery wasn't so improved upon. This lady that had the
surgery had a family that did not support her. None of her daughers or her
husband went with her to the initial surgery. When she had complications,
she ended up having to go by ambulance because her family refused to take
her. They also did not have anything to do with her after that even though
she almost died. In this case, she divorced her husband...and I can see
why. I would try to expose your husband to people that have had surgery and
had positive experiences. Like someone else here said, take him to the
support group. He is probably terribly afraid and loves you very much. But,
no matter what you do...in this case you need to put you first because if
it is your life you are trying to save...then you must get your surgery. I
am sure there are women that have been like this to their husbands also.
Good luck and blessings for you and your hubby.
— [Anonymous]
March 1, 2002
In a strong, loving marriage major decisions are made together. If your
spouse loves you and wants the best for you, they are certainly going to
have some concerns about you having a major surgery with life changing
results. Most spouses in this situation are not being overbearing or
controlling, but rather understandably concerned. By the time we announce
to them that we are interested in WLS we have probably done a great deal of
research. Now we need to educate our loved ones. If they care about our
health and self esteem, they will more than likely arrive at the same
conclusion we did. Almost everyone important in my life, husband, children,
mom, siblings and close friends reacted similarly... "sounds
interesting, but serious, tell me more". Everyone came to the same
conclusion as I did and I've enjoyed overwhelming support. Instead of being
defensive, we should react with joy that our loved ones care enough to be
concerned.
— Bobbie B.
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